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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have already apologised enough for this?

131 replies

HereForAdvice95 · 10/10/2022 16:27

My son is 6 and has autism. We have just moved into our house around a year ago and only know the neighbours to say hi and bye when we see them and that’s about it.

DS travels to school on a bus that collects and drops him off and they park right outside next doors house. Usually there is only one school bag so I use one hand for that and my other hand to hold his because he has a tendency to bolt and run off.

Last week he came home with quite a few bits because he had some extra school activities (swimming etc) and I couldn’t grab his hand quick enough when he got off the bus so he ran off - when he has done this before he just goes straight inside the house but when I turned around he had actually ran into next doors house (we have those doors where unless you lock the handle from the inside you can just walk straight in from the outside).

I went and got him straight out and apologised over and over to the neighbours - I also made him apologise - and because he has never done something like that before I sat him down afterwards and explained why he couldn’t do that - firstly for his own safety because some strangers are not very nice in the world and secondly because the people in the house might not be very happy about it and feel very upset and angry about it. He has no awareness of what is right and wrong at the moment or awareness of any dangers or anything like that because of the severity of autism.

The neighbours were clearly not very happy about it at the time which I completely understand - they know he has autism as they sometimes stop and chat to my parents outside when they pop over - however still now nearly a week later they just ignore us when we see them and very cold and stand-offish.

AIBU to think that okay even though it wasn’t ideal, they should be a bit more understanding towards DS’s additional needs and get over it considering the amount of times we have both apologised for this isolated incident?!

OP posts:
Deguster · 10/10/2022 19:50

If a child runs off a lot, it could be dangerous for one and I think most parents would try to stop it happening

Yes of course they would. But equally there are countless things I’ve tried to stop my autistic son from doing that he still does. The idea that autistic children just haven’t been “stopped” from a particular behaviour is daft. If decent parenting fixed autism there would be way fewer autistic kids around.

It wasn’t clear from your post that you were talking about a (possibly) NT child.

WhackingPhoenix · 10/10/2022 19:51

I’d rather my neighbour’s 6 year old ran into my safe house instead of down the street and god knows where! I wouldn’t have been the slightest bit annoyed at him or you, and probably would have invited you to stay for a cup of tea!

And they absolutely do need to lock their door. It was a six year old this time, but it could be a burglar next time.

HailAdrian · 10/10/2022 19:53

magicstar1 · 10/10/2022 17:12

You've apologised enough. My friend's 12 year old son who is autistic, ran into someone's house, up the stairs, and got into one of the beds. She was very embarassed but they were lovely and said not to worry. That's all your neighbours should do too.

Oh my gosh this sounds like something my 9yo would do 😬

SmilesOnStage · 10/10/2022 19:58

Deguster · 10/10/2022 19:50

If a child runs off a lot, it could be dangerous for one and I think most parents would try to stop it happening

Yes of course they would. But equally there are countless things I’ve tried to stop my autistic son from doing that he still does. The idea that autistic children just haven’t been “stopped” from a particular behaviour is daft. If decent parenting fixed autism there would be way fewer autistic kids around.

It wasn’t clear from your post that you were talking about a (possibly) NT child.

Well it was clear, because the poster had not said her child was ND.

It doesn’t make someone an arsehole to not want random people coming into their house. I would of course be sympathetic but there are times you must have control of your child. I have to make sure I can control my autistic nephew by dangerous roads, so I can do the same if he kept repeatedly running into a neighbours house. I wouldn’t expect anyone to just accept it.

SmilesOnStage · 10/10/2022 20:03

And it isn’t about fixing his autism, it’s about making sure that the behaviour he displays due to his autism doesn’t make him unsafe. As his aunt, when he’s in my care, that's my job. I do expect a level of acceptance/understanding from others but it is my job when I have him, to lesson the impact of his behaviours on others at times, like making sure he didn’t repeatedly run into someone’s house.

Vivi0 · 10/10/2022 20:06

How many more people are going to victim blame the neighbours?

🤣😭

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/10/2022 20:12

Who the hell gets a fright over a six year old? Don't bother with them, they sound batshit.

MarshaMelrose · 10/10/2022 20:20

Your child didn't understand that he'd done something. You apologised. He apologised. There's nothing more you can do.

A child ran into their house and they didn't like it. Just because the mother and child apologised, it doesn't mean that they have to forgive and move on. It's up to them.

You have behaved reasonably and politely. However it is unreasonable to expect people to feel either how you would feel or how you think they should feel.

clpsmum · 10/10/2022 20:27

@SmilesOnStage it's not a problem at all. As I said I have lovely neighbours that find my sons visits amusing and keep things they know he likes in for him

clpsmum · 10/10/2022 20:29

@SmilesOnStage as I've said the issue with neighbours doesn't need addressing. Yea my son does have autism and I am fully aware of the danger.

clpsmum · 10/10/2022 20:30

SmilesOnStage · 10/10/2022 20:03

And it isn’t about fixing his autism, it’s about making sure that the behaviour he displays due to his autism doesn’t make him unsafe. As his aunt, when he’s in my care, that's my job. I do expect a level of acceptance/understanding from others but it is my job when I have him, to lesson the impact of his behaviours on others at times, like making sure he didn’t repeatedly run into someone’s house.

How would you make sure he didn't do it?

Vivi0 · 10/10/2022 20:31

Some people thrive from being “wronged”.

Don’t apologise and don’t react to them ignoring you - don’t give them the attention. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even speak to them again.

Just happily continue to live your life. If your neighbours wish to sulk and be aggrieved about a little 6 year old child running into their house, then that’s their choice, as sad and as miserable as that is. Just happily live your life OP.

Autumnleavesandhotchocolate · 10/10/2022 20:33

Don't give them another thought. I'm sure they were shocked, I would have been! You apologised, your son apologised. There's nothing else to be done.

Untitledsquatboulder · 10/10/2022 20:37

Some people get worked up about the strangest things. Ignore their sulks.

Arenanewbie · 10/10/2022 20:39

And why on earth did you apologize “over and over”? Just once was absolutely fine. He didn’t destroyed anything, didn’t hurt anyone. He accidentally run into their door and then you came and collected him. The end.
They should keep their door closed, it’s always safer that way, even unrelated to your son’s issues.
I would keep relationship with them distant and tell your mum to stop chatting to them. They are clearly not friendly towards you so the less they will know about you the better.

EbbyEbs · 10/10/2022 20:49

Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to run into a neighbours house where the local Cujo lives next time.

I wouldn’t find it funny at all - just leave them do it, they don’t want to be friendly and that is their right.

As an aside - I’ll be locking my door from now on. I’m also autistic and the thought of this happening has made me feel very anxious.

Notanotherwindow · 10/10/2022 20:50

I'd laugh it off. He's just a little boy, children do random things sometimes.

SarahAndQuack · 10/10/2022 20:53

They're weird.

I live next door to my daughter's school; I cannot count how many small children have darted in through an open or unlocked door. None of them, to my knowledge, autistic (though I only know about one autistic child as she's in my daughter's class).

SmilesOnStage · 10/10/2022 20:54

clpsmum · 10/10/2022 20:30

How would you make sure he didn't do it?

Show quote history

My nephews is 9 and tries to run off regularly so I use reins/wrist links as my sister has instructed me to. She sometimes uses a pushchair to keep him safe.

In OPs case, it’s a one off but in our case it would be a regular occurrence without using them. My sister would never say it’s not her responsibility.

SmilesOnStage · 10/10/2022 21:03

clpsmum · 10/10/2022 20:27

@SmilesOnStage it's not a problem at all. As I said I have lovely neighbours that find my sons visits amusing and keep things they know he likes in for him

If your neighbours are happy, that’s fine. I wouldn’t be happy with my nephew trying to get in the shower with a neighbour.

It also doesn’t make anyone that isn’t ok with a child entering their house, an arsehole, just because yours are ok that this happens repeatedly.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 10/10/2022 21:15

@HereForAdvice95
"however still now nearly a week later they just ignore us when we see them and very cold and stand-offish."

You said that in the year you've been neighbours you haven't moved beyond the Hi and Bye when you see eachother ..... so saying they have ignored you this week isn't exactly much less. Doesn't sound like you were much beyond stand-offish anyway.

I wouldn't have an issue with what your son did but it's up to them who they choose to engage with.

UWhatNow · 10/10/2022 21:30

So these anonymous people have been called: weird, silly, ridiculous, ‘old buggers’, dicks etc. I’d love to hear their side of things.

Just because your child did something minor in your world doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong either. They probably don’t know anything about you and your child and don’t know what to make of it. They might not be being ‘frosty’ they might just be anxious or a bit wary.

Ironic how the people on this thread are calling them dicks for some perceived lack of tolerance or empathy have none for an older couple who might have their own issues going on.

HailAdrian · 10/10/2022 21:44

*My nephews is 9 and tries to run off regularly so I use reins/wrist links as my sister has instructed me to. She sometimes uses a pushchair to keep him safe.

In OPs case, it’s a one off but in our case it would be a regular occurrence without using them. My sister would never say it’s not her responsibility.*

Ha what about when he snaps the reins and sets himself free of the buggy. Ime 9yo autistic children are stronger than they look.

SmilesOnStage · 10/10/2022 22:10

HailAdrian · 10/10/2022 21:44

*My nephews is 9 and tries to run off regularly so I use reins/wrist links as my sister has instructed me to. She sometimes uses a pushchair to keep him safe.

In OPs case, it’s a one off but in our case it would be a regular occurrence without using them. My sister would never say it’s not her responsibility.*

Ha what about when he snaps the reins and sets himself free of the buggy. Ime 9yo autistic children are stronger than they look.

Not sure why it’s funny with your silly ‘ha’.

My sister makes her own wrist straps for him that are very strong and he can’t undo the buggy but my BIL has added an extra safety lock in case. Better than just saying, not my fault, oops he’s in the shower with the naked neighbour again.

juliadorking · 10/10/2022 22:18

I'm quite an arsey person but this wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

You apologised. That's all you needed to do.

It was their fault for not having their door locked!

Carry on being friendly with them and if they want to be petty and hold a grudge that's up to them.

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