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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have already apologised enough for this?

131 replies

HereForAdvice95 · 10/10/2022 16:27

My son is 6 and has autism. We have just moved into our house around a year ago and only know the neighbours to say hi and bye when we see them and that’s about it.

DS travels to school on a bus that collects and drops him off and they park right outside next doors house. Usually there is only one school bag so I use one hand for that and my other hand to hold his because he has a tendency to bolt and run off.

Last week he came home with quite a few bits because he had some extra school activities (swimming etc) and I couldn’t grab his hand quick enough when he got off the bus so he ran off - when he has done this before he just goes straight inside the house but when I turned around he had actually ran into next doors house (we have those doors where unless you lock the handle from the inside you can just walk straight in from the outside).

I went and got him straight out and apologised over and over to the neighbours - I also made him apologise - and because he has never done something like that before I sat him down afterwards and explained why he couldn’t do that - firstly for his own safety because some strangers are not very nice in the world and secondly because the people in the house might not be very happy about it and feel very upset and angry about it. He has no awareness of what is right and wrong at the moment or awareness of any dangers or anything like that because of the severity of autism.

The neighbours were clearly not very happy about it at the time which I completely understand - they know he has autism as they sometimes stop and chat to my parents outside when they pop over - however still now nearly a week later they just ignore us when we see them and very cold and stand-offish.

AIBU to think that okay even though it wasn’t ideal, they should be a bit more understanding towards DS’s additional needs and get over it considering the amount of times we have both apologised for this isolated incident?!

OP posts:
ghostsandpumpkinsalready · 10/10/2022 17:57

At 6 my autistic son once ran into Nextdoors and stole their entire cookie jar 🤣
They used to give him a biscuit whenever we passed their house but on this occasion they weren't there so he ran in and stole all the biscuits before running back out.
12 years later they still laugh and still give him a biscuit 🥰

RachelSq · 10/10/2022 17:57

Their fault, they should have locked their door. Could get much worse than a 6 year old trying the handle….

You’ve apologised and that’s all anyone reasonable would expect.

mycatisannoying · 10/10/2022 17:59

Uptight arseholes Flowers

NightsByTheLake · 10/10/2022 18:04

mycatisannoying · 10/10/2022 17:59

Uptight arseholes Flowers

They might be. Or they may have some things going on themselves that made them find it more difficult. An autistic woman I know would find this really hard as would a relative of mine with OCD.

But it was an accident, OP has apologised so there’s nothing else to be done.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 10/10/2022 18:06

It’s their problem.
He’s 6 years old ffs, a small child —- I assume he wasn’t wielding a machete ???? How on earth could a small lad ( that you know by sight) running into your house
be a problem?
They really need to get over themselves.

Deguster · 10/10/2022 18:11

FFS, he’s 6. Autistic or not - still v little.

If he’d bobbed into ours, my autistic DS would have chewed his ear off about UK bus models since the 1940’s. I cannot imagine being this much of an arsehole.

Although ime if you told them he was autistic, there are some people who hear “he’s an undisciplined brat who I can’t be arsed to parent” and act accordingly. They are twats.

Deguster · 10/10/2022 18:13

At 6 my autistic son once ran into Nextdoors and stole their entire cookie jar

My 5 yo dragged a random pensioner by the hand onto a bus yesterday. He gets really anxious about people missing them. Luckily no harm was done and we all laughed - although for one horrible moment I though DS would topple him over.

Curta · 10/10/2022 18:17

No, they don't need to more understanding of anyone's condition. Whatever the reason, your son's behaviour affected them negatively, in a way they wouldn't expect and shouldn't have to deal with.

You've apologised, but it doesn't change what happened or help them be able to trust it won't happen again; even here you're saying he just doesn't understand, so I'd be wary of you both too.

They don't need to be friendly towards you and probably don't want to encourage your son to overstep boundaries.

They don't need to 'get over' anything, and you don't really need to repeat your apology. They don't want a relationship with you.

NoSquirrels · 10/10/2022 18:18

only know the neighbours to say hi and bye when we see them and that’s about it.

they know he has autism as they sometimes stop and chat to my parents outside when they pop over - however still now nearly a week later they just ignore us when we see them and very cold and stand-offish.

But it’s not like you were having much interaction in the first place, so I’m surprised you’ve noticed them being ‘cold and stand-offish’ - if you didn’t have friendly chats before nothing’s changed, has it? Are you sure you’re not imagining it because you’re still feeling awkward about it?

They haven’t asked for any further apologies- so you don’t need to apologise any more. Just live and let live - be friendly to them and I’m sure they’ll be friendly back soon enough. If they’ve been happy to chat to your parents they’re obviously not awful.

Mojoj · 10/10/2022 18:21

Don't give it another thought. You said sorry, they're being dicks. Not your problem.

Gottagetthruthissss · 10/10/2022 18:23

Could it be that they were in a compromising position?

Ponoka7 · 10/10/2022 18:25

Curta · 10/10/2022 18:17

No, they don't need to more understanding of anyone's condition. Whatever the reason, your son's behaviour affected them negatively, in a way they wouldn't expect and shouldn't have to deal with.

You've apologised, but it doesn't change what happened or help them be able to trust it won't happen again; even here you're saying he just doesn't understand, so I'd be wary of you both too.

They don't need to be friendly towards you and probably don't want to encourage your son to overstep boundaries.

They don't need to 'get over' anything, and you don't really need to repeat your apology. They don't want a relationship with you.

If you leave your door unlocked, there's a possibility that someone might come in uninvited. Thankfully it was a small child and not an adult wishing them harm. They don't have to be more understanding, but should be.

OP don't ' kill them with kindness ' it's always stupid advice. Going forward just respect their boundaries and don't try to be friendly.

User38899953 · 10/10/2022 18:26

How many more people are going to victim blame the neighbours?

Victims? Of what ? There was no crime, no harm done,

Snowpatrolsnowpatrol · 10/10/2022 18:26

They are being strange. I would probably find it funny if a child mistook my house for theirs.

How did you go into their house? Did you run in after your child or did you knock first? Perhaps if you did the former that is what they are annoyed about?

Curta · 10/10/2022 18:27

How is it that 'additional NEEDS' or 'special educational NEEDS' translates to allowances and excuses being made for poor behaviour towards others?

The child's needs, which were not met, were for close supervision (if not physical contact with a parent when walking), repeated reminders about expectations, and practice of routines.

CustardySergeant · 10/10/2022 18:30

Maybe your DS and/or you got dirty marks on their carpets from your shoes and they're miffed about that. On the other hand, maybe they're not bothered and just aren't interested in being particularly chatty.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 10/10/2022 18:31

They need to get over it.

I wasn't best pleased when the neighbours' dog came into our house when we were leaving and had the door briefly open but they didn't really apologise at all.

I do lock my doors at all times though - because it's not difficult to do and avoids the risk of sneak in burglaries

mycatisannoying · 10/10/2022 18:31

LuckyLil · 10/10/2022 17:53

How many more people are going to victim blame the neighbours?

It's perfectly reasonable not to lock yourself in when you are at home without expecting someone from outside to come bursting into your home without warning.

Not everyone lives in a paranoid world where we should all bolt ourselves in and its our fault if the neighbours kid comes barging in. It doesn't make you a 'twat' for not locking yourself indoors when it isn't necessary for goodness sake.

They probably should have got over that incident but may well feel it an intrusion of their home they weren't comfortable with and might be wondering if they are now going to have to lock themselves in to stop it happening again.

Since when did it become weird or twattish not to be so terrified ot the outside world that you are expected to automatically lock yourselves indoors? Maybe they enjoy feeling relaxed enough in their community that they didn't have to lock themselves in and might not want to have to start doing it.

Victim blame Grin Aye, the poor snowflakes right enough.

Motherofalittledragon · 10/10/2022 18:33

You said sorry, your ds said sorry, they need to get over it, my ds has asd and also bolts, I hope he doesn't run in to any of the Mumsnetters on here with the lack of understanding and attitude with those who are neurodiverse.

GordonsAlive85 · 10/10/2022 18:37

My DS is also autistic and the same age. He has done this a few times with next door but my neighbours are lovely, luckily, and very understanding

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 18:38

I would find that funny and I'd seek to reassure and make the parent feel ok about it.

They sound like weird pole up their arse dickheads.

ButyouwereuptoyouroldtricksinChaptersFourFiveandSix · 10/10/2022 18:39

I voted YABU because I don’t think it’s fair to dictate how they should feel about it and how quickly they should get over it. I don’t think you or your son did anything awful but maybe they’re shaken up, maybe something was damaged, maybe they are just upset that their boundaries have been violated. They’re entitled to their feelings

greenhousegal · 10/10/2022 18:40

What a non event. Seems to me there is more to it than your child barging through their UNLOCKED front door!

I would love if every kid in the neighbourhood barged into my house, I have none of my own and would be delighted.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 18:40

They probably should have got over that incident but may well feel it an intrusion of their home they weren't comfortable with and might be wondering if they are now going to have to lock themselves in to stop it happening again.

If you get that freaked out by a little boy running mistakenly into your house, and quickly extracted by a harassed apologetic parent .....you probably need to seek psychotherapy for your issues.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 18:42

The only thing that would bother me would be people seeing what a mess my house is 🤣

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