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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand this (new) rule that you can't be friends with people half your age?

64 replies

VatofTea · 10/10/2022 10:03

I'm 43 and have recently been exposed to a new friendship circle of people who are predominantly 20-30, some are older. Given that I'm single and my kids are teenagers, I'm interested in getting out socializing, just having fun. I'm interested in making friends with people who are carefree and available to socialize, so that means not stuck in the early childminding rut or really expensive mortgage/high outgoings phase of life.

I ve noticed several threads where people are suspicious of friendships with large age gaps....I don't get it. I've also noticed IRL one young woman was very cold to me, that's fine, I don't need to be friends with people that are disinterested, but I found her coldness rude and unnecessary. This person is now trying to connect on LinkedIn, eh No, you don't get to be rude IRL and then try to make a connection for your benefit. I'm friends with people who are 10 and 20 years older than me, I don't consider it odd or rude or suspicious if people of all age ranges want to socialize.

Most people just want a gang to go out and watch some live music with.....what's wrong with that?

My school friends are either broke (mortgages), childrearing small kids, or going through break ups, or have moved away....very few want to go out socialising.....there are also lots of strange jealousies and arguments as well thrown into the mix.

AIBU to think it is a little paranoid to be automatically suspicious of friendship age gaps?

OP posts:
entropynow · 10/10/2022 10:10

MN has a bunch of stupid rules that basically boil down to "I don't do this and you're weird/wrong if you do". Take no notice.

InsertPunHere · 10/10/2022 10:12

There is no rule. I have friends in their early twenties and friends in their late 80s. You can be friends with anyone you get on with.

pointythings · 10/10/2022 10:12

I have friends ranging from age 76 to age 20 - I'm 54. Rules don't matter, friendship does.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/10/2022 10:14

some people are funny
i was early 20s and at work there was a girl of perhaps 26 who was very derogatory about my young age!

CarmenBizet · 10/10/2022 10:14

Disingenuous. If you read that thread further OP mentions that they've never had an issue with other friends of their partner before and gives good reason for being concerned about this one.

JingsMahBucket · 10/10/2022 10:16

@CarmenBizet it's not just that particular thread. This issue comes up all the time on MN. People on here are weird about having friends outside of their immediate circle they grew up with or something. Very insular.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/10/2022 10:17

although i do have to think twice when someone in their 50s is friends with someone in their 70s
it must be my pecularity

TidyDancer · 10/10/2022 10:19

Yeah it's silly isn't it? Past a certain point age doesn't count for as much as it did once. I have two particularly close friends at work and one is double the others age. I am somewhere roughly in the middle. I never see them as older or younger. They're just my friends.

PanicAtTheBigTesco · 10/10/2022 10:19

Yeah I don't get it, I'm 26 and became good friends with two people I go to the gym with, one is 41 and the other 57! We have a great time when we go out together

Original poster
VatofTea · 10/10/2022 10:20

This is not a thread about a thread.

I just don't want to pursue new friendship circles, if this is deemed wrong and I wasn't aware of it......I'm enjoying the new friendship circle.

But it has been said to me in real life "why are you going for lunch with the young ones?".....lol, because they are nice and I have to go to lunch with someone.

People can be derogatory about age differences, I find the people my age/slightly older in work are generally quite back stabby and disingenuous. I'ld rather talk about holidays and dresses and nights out.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/10/2022 10:20

Ignore silly social rules.

I have a wide range of friends all different ages even as a teenager I enjoyed older people's company.

My new mum friend is 12 years younger and my friendly neighbour who I spend time with is in her 60's.

I've known her since I was a child, she text's me with news, pops in when passing.

Do what you enjoy doing.

Ignore the fun sponges.

goldfinchonthelawn · 10/10/2022 10:22

I have noticed that there is a reluctance in the generation of 20-somethings to mix with or even acknowledge people older than 30s. Very odd. In my 30s one of my best friends was in her 60s. In my 40s another close friend was in her 70s. I learned so much from these older, wiser women and loved their company.

Keep going. You;ll find like-minded people over time. Energy is so attractive in a friend and you sound like you have it!

CeeJay81 · 10/10/2022 10:28

I meet up with a friend regularly who is 20 years older than me. She has a god child who's the same age as my ds, but that child and family moved abroad back to their home country years ago. Yet we have stayed friends and enjoy meeting up every fortnight. Her and her husband are coming on holiday with us too. Be friends with who you want to be friends with, if you get on well and enjoy the meet ups then it shouldn't matter.

PugInTheHouse · 10/10/2022 10:29

Its ridiculous TBH, MN is full of narrow minded people with very small social circles.

I have friends 15 years older than me (DH is older so they are wives of his best friends) who I holiday with. Then also those 15-20 years younger through my exercise classes and sports clubs. Not only that, some of them are male and its purely plantonic 😱

Surely once you're adults it's all irrelevant.

SlashBeef · 10/10/2022 10:30

Yanbu.
I'm 31 and my closest friend is a 53 yo male. Didn't realise it would have people clutching their pearls until I read that other thread earlier!

Libre2 · 10/10/2022 10:34

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/10/2022 10:17

although i do have to think twice when someone in their 50s is friends with someone in their 70s
it must be my pecularity

What? Why? I don’t get this at all. DH and I are 48. We have two sets of friends who are both in their 70s and who we see a lot of. One set in particular are very close and almost act as local grandparents to our DC. We are also close with their daughter, who is our age, but that is separate to our relationship with them.

PugInTheHouse · 10/10/2022 10:35

I can't actually recall anything in RL ever being said about age gap friendships though, sometimes we may joke amongst ourselves, one of my male friends likes to remind me I was born the same year as his mum, and my older friends take the piss about me being younger, all in a nice way though.

The sports club me and my DCs belong to involves people from about 14/15 upwards so the kids are playing in adult teams etc. My DS1 is 16 and goes to the pub with some of his team mates before they go to watch their local football team, they range from 24-40, they invite them to parties at their houses, we are friends with them also but we arent always with him when hes out with them. They have loads in common with DS (he is a very grown up 16 and has similar interests to them) and they never really see a particular age gap when socialising.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/10/2022 10:35

I’ve never seen that kind of comment on here. Relationships with an age gap yes, friendships no.

EmmaH2022 · 10/10/2022 10:37

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/10/2022 10:17

although i do have to think twice when someone in their 50s is friends with someone in their 70s
it must be my pecularity

Why is that odd?

my mum is 83 and has dinner with 50 something friends.

PugInTheHouse · 10/10/2022 10:37

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/10/2022 10:17

although i do have to think twice when someone in their 50s is friends with someone in their 70s
it must be my pecularity

I don't get this, why would it be an issue. Most people I know in their 70s still seem quite young (I'm 43). When my nan was 70 she appeared to he elderly due to how she dressed and behaved but now that's generally not the case. My dad is almost 70 and his friends older and we all go to pubs or gigs together, we have a right laugh, they probably have more stamina than me (although I put that down to FT work, dogs, kids and them being retired)

Rosehugger · 10/10/2022 10:44

There's not a rule. But it's not paranoid to be suspicious of a husband who keeps talking about his lovely new colleague who is half his age, or even the same age or older.

PAFMO · 10/10/2022 10:47

You're being disingenuous.
I am 56 and have friends in their 20s and 30s.
What I'm not is a married man sexting his 25 year old female colleague which is what the threads you mention tend to be about.

Gotskeaswr · 10/10/2022 10:47

It’s bizarre! My youngest friend is 30 years younger than me, we’re in a hobby together and I love her to bits! My eldest is in his 70s, we used to work together and he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met…

maddy68 · 10/10/2022 10:47

What rule? I'm in my 50s My friendship group consists of 20-82 year olds

OneDayAtATimePlease · 10/10/2022 10:47

My husband is mid 40s, his best friend is in his 80s. Their friendship pre-dates our relationship and I think they're good for one another.

Age really is just a number when it comes to friendships once you become an adult, if you find someone that belongs in your tribe then welcome them and be grateful for the time you have with them because you never now what's around the corner.