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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

parents letting me down re childcare

66 replies

chocolateshoes · 26/01/2008 13:22

My parents have always been v helpful with childcare & DP and I have always made it clear that we appreciate this. DP works partly from home & I am a part-time teacher so between us we have managed to organise it so that they have him 2 times a week max in term time. That is usually 10 til 4 with him sleeping for a couple of hours over lunch. Because our timetables are somewhat erratic we have worked out the dates & times well in advance - for example they have the dates through to the end of the school year now. We have the system that one of us drops him at their house & they bring him back later. I send him with lunch, nappies etc. So far so good.
Until yesterday when they rang to say they were going to visit my sister and would not be able to have him one day (in 3 wks time). I was quite shocked that they could go back on their commitment just like. Bother of us work academic years and so cannot take a day off to look after DS as our holidays are fixed. Basically one of us will have to do a sickie. The fact that we do have long holidays in which my parents are not down for childcare and the fact that I don't work Mon or Fri does not seem to have helped them work out a more convenient date. I know my sister is busy but...

I am now thinking of using a nursery and am going to make some appointments to look around next week.

Am I being unreasonable to think that of you make a commitment you stick to it?

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 26/01/2008 13:25

Before you turn this into a huge problem I would talk to your parents and explain how much you appreciate their help with your child but you are a little confused as to how they have changed a day for them to help. Explain you will have to take a sickie and ask if there is anyway they could change the day to meet your sister. They maybe feel they help you a lot so one day is okay.

I wouldn't go rushing for a nursery unless you were already thinking of using one.

TheBlonde · 26/01/2008 13:26

YABU - they have given you 3 weeks notice

do you pay them for their time?

hercules1 · 26/01/2008 13:28

yabu. THey sound great and I really dont think them not having him for one day after giving you 3 weeks notice is something to be cross at.

Hecate · 26/01/2008 13:29

I think you should perhaps do that - get a nursery.

Your parents help you out and that's lovely of them. But it must be a balance and perhaps they don't want to be tied into something so regular and long term.

They have given you a massive amount of notice, which I think is nice of them.

They are doing you a massive favour by having your child so regularly but they cannot be expected to run their whole lives around your childcare needs and only do other stuff at times when it won't inconvenience you.

There are some great nurseries around, I think your child would be really happy at one.

Lulumama · 26/01/2008 13:29

YABU totally unreasonable

what if htey were ill? or wanted to go on holiday? or got invited somewhere, are they beholden to you for ever more?

you have three weeks notice to find something else or take a day off

your parents are not just there for you, they have to have their own lives and support their other child

for me this is a great reason why family and permanent child care do not mix

life is not black and white

if your DC is under 5 are you not entitled to some unpaid leave?

moljam · 26/01/2008 13:29

i think yabu.

can just see post from your sister saying my parents cant visit as they must provide childcare for nephew.

Lulumama · 26/01/2008 13:31

life is not black and white

sorry, must finish that sentence.. yes , they made a commitment,but you cannot reasonably expect them to never ever do anything else in that time.. life does not work like that

letting you down would be telling you on sunday night they did not want to have your children at all anymore

Original poster

chocolateshoes · 26/01/2008 13:31

No I don't pay them but when they offered to be involved in DS's childcare we discussed altogether what they would be happy to do. I do try to make sure that they don't have to pay for anything when they have DS and have given them toys, books etc for him. The 3 weeks notice is of no help whatsoever because I will have to take a sickie.

I talked to them but they say there is no other time they can see her.

I really didn't want to use a nursery for a whole day tbh.

OP posts:

flack · 26/01/2008 13:32

What NAB wrote.
I can understand being very upset about this, but at end of day they have been unpaid and mostly incredible helpers to you.

hercules1 · 26/01/2008 13:32

I use a nursery and occasionally have to supplement it with my mum. DH is a sahp so doesn't happen often but sometimes he has other commitments. My mum sometimes has had to back out of helping out after agreeing to - could be going on last minute holiday, being invited to a special lunch, funeral etc. I have to accept that and do. We then have to make alternative arrangements.

Lulumama · 26/01/2008 13:32

i am confused

I have friends who teach and if they have no childcare or have sick children, that is what they tell the school and take a day off

and what about parental leave?

ZippiBabes · 26/01/2008 13:32

unreasonable yep

they are being terribly generous and have their own lives

even a childminder is allowed to give notice of days they want to take off

and 3 weeks is ample time

posieflump · 26/01/2008 13:33

parental leave is unpaid lulumama so people take sickies instead as that is paid

hercules1 · 26/01/2008 13:34

I'm a teacher too so understand the unflexibility of it.

moljam · 26/01/2008 13:34

what if like lulu said they were ill?or your ds was ill?what would happen then?

alfiesbabe · 26/01/2008 13:34

Think Lulu's post sums it up. Parents have their own lives. It sounds like yours have gone way beyond what you have any right to expect, and you've turned this into an expectation that they will be around permananently to suit you and dp. You work P/T, you have a DP who works from home sometimes and parents who seem to have revolved a good chunk of their week looking after your child while you go out and earn! Wake up and join the real world!

Original poster

chocolateshoes · 26/01/2008 13:35

Thanks for your replies! Clearly IABVU!

OP posts:

Lulumama · 26/01/2008 13:35

ah, i see
so the OP does not want to take a day off sick as no pay. i can understand that, but , i stand by everything else

parents providing unpaid childcare is a recipe for disaster IMO

and agree with poster who said that she can imagine the sister posting on here to say ' my parents favour one grandchild/ never come to see us as always looking after other grandchild'

alicet · 26/01/2008 13:35

Actually I don't think you are unreasonable for being annoyed and feeling let down. Presumably these arrangements have been discussed with your parents and they HAVE agreed to provide this childcare.

However I agree with the points other posters are making that they do help out a lot and may want some time for themselves and a bit of spontaneity at times. And 3 weeks isn't unreasonable notice (although I need at least 6 weeks to take holiday)

I don't think you need to rush to nurseries yet but I do think you need a frank discussion with your parents telling them how much you rely on them but that you would understand if they wanted to review this arrangement so they are not so tied down.

hercules1 · 26/01/2008 13:35

Do a sickie and have a nice day off!

grumpyfrumpy · 26/01/2008 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellie · 26/01/2008 13:37

wow - you have been incredibly lucky that you have had unpaid childcare for any length of time.
They are entitled to have a life too and they have given you notice. What would you do if you did put your ds in a nursery and then he was ill? You would need to provide alternative cover then?

rookiemater · 26/01/2008 13:37

YABU. My mum is marvellous and looks after DS one day a fortnight.

Like you I give her the days well in advance. However I would never, never presume to be annoyed if she rang up and said she couldn't do a date even if we agreed it in advance. She has had her child and my DS is not her responsibility.

Twice a week is a lot for your GPS. It is fantastic that they want to be involved and that so far they have managed to schedule their lives around their GCs. If you don't want your child to go to a nursery then investigate if you can get a CM who wants extra hours, or if there is a local agency that does emergency childcare. Emergency childcare is expensive, but it solves the situation. Plus and I'm being mean here pointing this out, you haven't paid for a lot of your childcare so its not that often.

Original poster

chocolateshoes · 26/01/2008 13:38

I'd take unpaid but as far as school is concerned a sickie would be the same as my lessons would need to be covered. Schools are v unflexible.

I do appreciate their help & I hope they know that. I also know they have their own lives.

OP posts:

smartiejake · 26/01/2008 13:39

There is obviously no one else who could help you out in this situation?

My mum used to help out alot with the dds when they were little but they enjoy caravanning and preferred to go on hol in term time when it was less busy which left me without childcare for odd weeks in the year.(Like you I am a part time teacher and so can't take time off in term time)

I found a local friendly childminder who was able to take them on a temporary basis when I needed her and this worked really well. She only charged me for the hours I needed and there was no retainer.

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