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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents letting me down re childcare

66 replies

chocolateshoes · 26/01/2008 13:22

My parents have always been v helpful with childcare & DP and I have always made it clear that we appreciate this. DP works partly from home & I am a part-time teacher so between us we have managed to organise it so that they have him 2 times a week max in term time. That is usually 10 til 4 with him sleeping for a couple of hours over lunch. Because our timetables are somewhat erratic we have worked out the dates & times well in advance - for example they have the dates through to the end of the school year now. We have the system that one of us drops him at their house & they bring him back later. I send him with lunch, nappies etc. So far so good.
Until yesterday when they rang to say they were going to visit my sister and would not be able to have him one day (in 3 wks time). I was quite shocked that they could go back on their commitment just like. Bother of us work academic years and so cannot take a day off to look after DS as our holidays are fixed. Basically one of us will have to do a sickie. The fact that we do have long holidays in which my parents are not down for childcare and the fact that I don't work Mon or Fri does not seem to have helped them work out a more convenient date. I know my sister is busy but...

I am now thinking of using a nursery and am going to make some appointments to look around next week.

Am I being unreasonable to think that of you make a commitment you stick to it?

OP posts:
Ineedacleaner · 26/01/2008 13:39

Sorry agree with the others YABU, totally.
I can see why you are upset but like someone else has said this is why family and long term child care don't mix.

Look at it from the other side if this had been your sister posting...AIBU because my praents never visit me because my free days do not coincide with with my sisters days off??

You have said yourself your sister is a busy person and it may well be the only time she is free or that her free days in general are the days you work on. Your parents do a huge amount for you in commiting to look after your ds if it was a childminder you were paying they may need days off when you are working too.

In truth it may be a good idea to have a back up plan for days your parents are unable through sickness appointments whatever.

I don't think you can reasonably expect them to run their lives around your childcare.

Original poster
chocolateshoes · 26/01/2008 13:40

Lulumama - The OP will take unpaid leave rather than sickie. That isn't really the issue.

OP posts:
saadia · 26/01/2008 13:42

I can see both sides and in a way you are right that the way it has been agreed it is a pretty formal arrangement, so they are letting you down and if a CM or nursery did the same it would be seen as very unprofessional.

But as they are such a big help to you I think that you have to accept that they are entitled to alter the arrangement slightly if they ever need to.

Lulumama · 26/01/2008 13:46

i realise that chocolateshoes

i have posted about the situation as i perceive it...not sure why you are querying what i said!

Original poster
chocolateshoes · 26/01/2008 13:48

Sorry - am prob being a bit over sensitive - have had the week from hell this week, abd then my parents news just finished me off!

Thanks everyone - it looks as if I've over-reacted. That's the beauty of Mnet - brings you back down to earth

OP posts:
worzella · 26/01/2008 13:52

I have lots of sympathy - if your parents said that they would look after DC then since they know you are a teacher and can't take a day off, then they are causing a problem regardless of how long in advance they tell you. I appreciate that it's very tying from their point of view but that's the deal they agreed to.

Do you have anybody you can beg a favour off?

So no I don't think YABU!

Lulumama · 26/01/2008 13:52

as hercules said, take the day off, have a lovely time with your DC, and use this as an opportunity to remember how great your parents are for doing this !! now have a cup of tea

worzella · 26/01/2008 13:54

it's not that easy to pull a sickie in a school as your colleagues have to cover your lessons...

FrannyandZooey · 26/01/2008 13:54

sorry, I agree with other posters

it is hard to realise you have over-reacted and say so - I admire you for doing it

rookiemater · 26/01/2008 13:55

Worzella, does that mean that its ok to pull a sickie if you work somewhere else ?

bozza · 26/01/2008 14:00

I sympathise with you because having childcare while you work or issues with it is stressful and therefore it is easy to blow something like this out of proportion. That is despite me being somebody who has no choice but to pay lots of money to put my child in nursery for full days.

Sounds like you are getting it back in proportion now. But I would say that you need to come up with an alternative back up plan for when your parents are not available. I have a CM for my DS who is at school, but she goes on holiday for 4 weeks a year and, as she has no young children, sometimes these weeks are during termtime so I need to find back up. As does the teacher mother of another of the mindees. We normally manage this by arranging play dates etc with other friends.

Do you have other family members (ILs?) who could help, or have you cultivated any mother friends with young children who you could swap favours with? Or maybe come up with a ad-hoc arrangement with a local childminder?

worzella · 26/01/2008 14:01

No not at all! but I can see why it sounded like that! I just meant that if you say have your own work load and you have a day off, it's potentially just you that's being affected... whereas in a school you affect other people more.... I don't personally think it's right to pull a sickie at all!

bozza · 26/01/2008 14:01

Agree re franny's point also.

Lulumama · 26/01/2008 14:01

the OP is taking unpaid leave not a sickie

worzella · 26/01/2008 14:04

Sorry - missed that bit.

spicemonster · 26/01/2008 14:05

I agree with bozza. My mum looks after my DS one day a week but has always made it very clear that there may be times she won't be able to care for him and she will try and give me notice.

I've got an arrangement with the nursery he goes to on the other days I work that if I give them a week or so's notice, they will (if they have space on that day) take him and charge me an extra day. So far that's working well and there is the odd week when she's unable to take him for various reasons.

I don't know how old your children are or whether this would be possible but I do think it makes sense to have a back up plan.

And good on you for being so honest and admitting you were BU - it's a rare thing around here

Original poster
chocolateshoes · 26/01/2008 14:06

Thanks Lulumama - but it still means my colleagues will have to cover me! School is highly unlikely to use the money to pay for supply.

Unfortunately my ILs live a long way away. And really I don't know anyone else who can help. I looked into childminers a few months ago in case my parents didn't want to do the hours our timetables required but there isn't anyone round here (we live v rurally!). As DS is not in nursery already I didn't want to start him in for a full day. Would prefer to increase it gradually.

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 26/01/2008 14:11

I'd love to have parents who could see my children never mind baby sit them for me.

alfiesbabe · 26/01/2008 14:12

I know what you mean chocolate shoes - I'm pretty sure my school has given people unpaid leave and then just used other teacher's non-contact time to cover, rather than paying supply. It puts you in a really difficult position, because if you're not being paid, the very least you can expect is to not feel guilty!!
I also agree that it's rare on MN for people to admit when maybe they need to re-think - but you have, and i think you're right - sounds like the time has come to find a nursery and sort out proper childcare arrangements. And I expect with your parents being so helpful, they'll still continue to do you the odd favour, but as an occasional thing, not as your regular childcare. The other thing of course, is that nursery will provide a wonderful experience for your child. It's not simply about having to pay for your child to go somewhere while you work - my kids adored their time at nursery and it did loads in terms of building their confidence.

worzella · 26/01/2008 14:14

My DC went to nusery for full days when I went back to work - I know each child is different but mine loved it! - it may be a better option....? Although the cost is pretty horrific!

coolkat · 26/01/2008 14:24

Chocolate shoes, firstly I can see while you feel annoyed but secondly you are so so lucky having family to look after DS whilst you work.

If I was you I would perhaps look into putting DS into nursery for one day a week in the view that if ever they have commitments again you could ask nursery to do an extra day / swap days that way you are not paying a huge bill all year round. As you are term time only I think you will find that a nursery will want paying for 52 weeks IYSWIM. The only reason I know this is because my DD went to nursery and I work term time and yes it is expensive but worth it. It would also ease the pressure off of them.

perpetualworrier · 26/01/2008 15:11

My sister is a teacher and her in-laws mind her children 2 days per week, but it is on the strict understanding that if they want some time away they will take it. Now their own children are grown up, why should they be tied to have their own holidays in school hols etc?

3 weeks is plenty to either find a friend who can help you out, or make arrangements with a local nursery. Try your local Sure Start if you have one. Ours is excellent, will take children for one off sessions and is very reasonable.

Please don't take the sickie, working mums have a bad enough reputation for being unreliable and there are obviously times when we do need to take time off at short notice, but this is not one imo.

mumeeee · 26/01/2008 17:54

YABU. They have given you 3 weeks notice and it's only for one day.

cory · 26/01/2008 18:56

Pace some previous posters, I don't see how it could be considered unprofessional if a childminder took a holiday or a nursery had a day's closure (e.g. for training). IME this is exactly what childminders and nurseries do. After all, I get holidays, why shouldn't the cm? I might find 3 weeks rather short notice, but my cm has done it under special circumstances and I wasn't greatly upset.

Also, the childminder has been sick at times or had family emergences of her own.

IME you do have to have back-up arrangements even with formally-agreed paid childcare. Which is why I have always been happy to do favours to the mums of other kids- I like there to be a small pool of people who owe me one.

I am a university teacher and the only person qualified to teach my subject, so cover is not an option.

wheresthehamster · 26/01/2008 19:05

Why can't your DP shift his home-working around that week and maybe your parents could look after DS on the day he normally works at home?

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