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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds not invited

56 replies

Futurefaithin · 09/10/2022 07:48

AIBU to be upset by this??? I know it's easy to feel your children have been treated unfairly but I think was was really mean?
ds and another little boy are best friends and they play together every single day at school.
DS kept coming home from school saying "best friend is having a party for his birthday and he said he wants me to come"
And I explained to DS that he needs an invitation to be able to go . DS said other children received an invitation but not him. I thought DS was mistaken about it tbf or that best friend was confused about when his party was.
Then it turns out he did have a party this weekend and plenty of other children were invited but not DS.
It's not a one way friendship or where ds thinks they're best friends but they're not- this little boy always seeks out ds and they play nicely together, the teachers at school say they are best friends and always playing together etc.
The only reason I can think, is my DS older sibling is autistic and they have seen him kicking off (often!) on the way to school/ after school at the playground and seen him being out of school often and made their judgements on us as a family from that.
I feel so upset for DS I feel like he's been deemed not good enough to be this boys friend.
I don't really know many of the school mums from ds year because I am autistic myself so small talk isn't my strong point and also am usually v busy on the school run sorting out other DS because he's often refusing to go in, (but I am friendly and not rude etc) so maybe that's ask part of the reason but surely that's not a reason to exclude a 6 year old??

OP posts:
londonrach · 09/10/2022 07:52

You might be reading too much into this. Was the whole class invited or just some of the children.

BattenburgDonkey · 09/10/2022 07:54

It could be something more innocent like his invite being lost rather than him not being invited.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 09/10/2022 07:55

I think that's a big leap. There's loads of other reasons. Your son is Jamie C. And Jamie D. Got invited. Your invite got lost. The party was smaller than you think. Also have you checked his bag and pockets for an invite? He got have left it in school?

Original poster
Futurefaithin · 09/10/2022 07:55

londonrach · 09/10/2022 07:52

You might be reading too much into this. Was the whole class invited or just some of the children.

No it wasn't a whole class party,I did think that but it seems strange to not invite a child's best friend but invite other children from the class?

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/10/2022 07:56

Is it possibly your DC lost his invite? I know quite often they don't actually make it home. Was the whole class invited? If it was just a small group it is possible that your DC is friendly with this boy and they do play together but the other boy has other closer friendships. Totally understandable that you would be disappointed for your DC though.

Paperdolly · 09/10/2022 07:56

Lost invite?

PaperPalace · 09/10/2022 07:56

You're not unreasonable to be feeling hurt OP, I would too.

At 6 years old it's often the parent who decides the invites, so it may be that it was based more around the children of parents who know each other. As they get older, this won't happen and the child will invite their own friends.

MintJulia · 09/10/2022 07:56

There are other possibilities. Do you know the mum? One mum at our primary only invited the dcs of the mums who were her friends or she had done NCT with.

DailyEnergyCrisis · 09/10/2022 07:57

This won’t be personal I’m sure. It might be a case of the mum having lots of mum friends at the school and inviting those kids. Sometimes happens when they’re younger. Soon the kids will be picking the invite list themselves and I’m sure your son will be included in lots of parties.

threegoodthings · 09/10/2022 07:59

As it wasn't a whole class party, and they're only 6, I would imagine the children of the mums the boy's mum is most friendly with were the ones invited. It's probably nothing personal and if they were older and had more agency he most likely would have had an invite.

londonrach · 09/10/2022 08:00

As it's not a whole class invite I wonder if it's one of a few reasons, lost invite, mum doesn't know they friends or invites to children they know already. Try not to over think this and just keep being friendly x

Sandysandwich · 09/10/2022 08:04

If they are quite young, the other boys parent may just have invited the kids that she knew from nursery or a childrens group.
My children have been invited to several parties with children they don't really know or play with just because I am friends with the mothers.
It happened in nursery, reception and year 1, until children can confidently tell their parents who their friends are. If the parent is shy or awkward maybe they only feel confident inviting other children whose parents they have met and know well.

I wouldn't jump to them being judgemental yet, there is lots of reasons that are nothing to do with your children.

Woodsparrow · 09/10/2022 08:04

My child went to a party recently and I noticed the birthday child's best friend wasn't there, I asked the mum because I knew a sickness bug had been going around and assumed it was that but she said no, birthday child knew they could choose 9 and just didn't choose their best friend. No shade or anything just the way the dice rolls sometimes with kids

Justcallmebebes · 09/10/2022 08:06

If you don't know the mum, maybe she doesn't realise how friendly the boys are in school. Do they ever play together outside of school or go to any clubs together?

Original poster
Futurefaithin · 09/10/2022 08:07

I don't think ds would have lost an invite he doesn't lose anything ever.
the mum does know they are friends they go into school together every day and play after school at the playground most days.
There is definitely a high chance I'm over thinking the issue though because DS older sibling was never invited to a single birthday party and the parents in his class treat us like we have the plague.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 08:08

Is mom friendly with the parents of the other children who attended?

sandytooth · 09/10/2022 08:10

Invite the kid round to yours? See what happens?

TeenDivided · 09/10/2022 08:12

I expect the other Mum is right now composing a post about the rude parent of her son's best friend who didn't bother to RSVP...

PaperPalace · 09/10/2022 08:12

Do they ever have play dates at each other's houses?

Dishwashersaurous · 09/10/2022 08:12

The vagaries of infant friendships are a mystery and parties another one on top of that.

Why children are invited or not doesn't always have a lot of sense.

Don't worry about it.

rageapplied · 09/10/2022 08:13

It wasn't an all class party so as tough as it is you're going to have to let it go. You can't do anything about it.

I'm sorry.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/10/2022 08:13

How often do they have playdates or socialise outside school?

It may well be that the children invited are the ones where they socialise outside school

threegoodthings · 09/10/2022 08:14

I think it might be useful for you to get to know some of the other parents, although I appreciate that's not easy if you're dealing with your older DS. Are you on a class WhatsApp group or anything? I know this would take a lot of courage but you could reach out to people en masse, be straight that you'd like to get to know some others, and suggest a coffee meet up or something? It's probably your idea of hell I know but I in my experience party invites / playdates at this age are largely driven by who the parents are friendly with.

MeAndAutumnGoHandInHand · 09/10/2022 08:18

Woodsparrow · 09/10/2022 08:04

My child went to a party recently and I noticed the birthday child's best friend wasn't there, I asked the mum because I knew a sickness bug had been going around and assumed it was that but she said no, birthday child knew they could choose 9 and just didn't choose their best friend. No shade or anything just the way the dice rolls sometimes with kids

This happened with my DD.

She could choose who to invite, I went down the list of class names so she could give me a yes or no. She plays with 'X' a lot and mentions him regularly at home but when I got to his name it was a no 🤷🏼‍♀️ fair enough. Then the morning of her party she was saying how she 'hoped X will be there, I'm excited to play with him!'

Obviously he wasn't because he was never invited in the first place, but I guess it just depended on her mood on the day we wrote invitations.

londonrach · 09/10/2022 08:22

My DD is 6 too. She been invited to some parties and not to others ..it not personal it's numbers and I had a similar problem with DD party as she vvv friendly and wanted to invite everyone....in the end I gave the right number of invitations to the teacher who talked to dd and the teacher filled the invites in. DD left out a child she done ballet with since aged 2...her reasons I don't play with her in school and I wanted to invite another child I do. Luckily mum understood but due to numbers venue allowed the invites we had were that. Honestly don't think too much about it x

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