Ds not invited

[Futurefaithin]

AIBU to be upset by this??? I know it's easy to feel your children have been treated unfairly but I think was was really mean?
ds and another little boy are best friends and they play together every single day at school.
DS kept coming home from school saying "best friend is having a party for his birthday and he said he wants me to come"
And I explained to DS that he needs an invitation to be able to go . DS said other children received an invitation but not him. I thought DS was mistaken about it tbf or that best friend was confused about when his party was.
Then it turns out he did have a party this weekend and plenty of other children were invited but not DS.
It's not a one way friendship or where ds thinks they're best friends but they're not- this little boy always seeks out ds and they play nicely together, the teachers at school say they are best friends and always playing together etc.
The only reason I can think, is my DS older sibling is autistic and they have seen him kicking off (often!) on the way to school/ after school at the playground and seen him being out of school often and made their judgements on us as a family from that.
I feel so upset for DS I feel like he's been deemed not good enough to be this boys friend.
I don't really know many of the school mums from ds year because I am autistic myself so small talk isn't my strong point and also am usually v busy on the school run sorting out other DS because he's often refusing to go in, (but I am friendly and not rude etc) so maybe that's ask part of the reason but surely that's not a reason to exclude a 6 year old??

Aw your poor little boy must have been so disappointed not to have got an invite. I do hope that this turns out to be a case of a mix up of invitations, but I would be suspecting the same as you if I were in your shoes.

Kids get confused when choosing who they want at their party. I seen kids disappointed on the day of their birthday because their friend is not there but did not choose the friend in question when invited were going out. We have an autistic family member and all I think is the mother is doing an amazing job and would never cut them out because the child is autistic. You sound like a lovely mum.

My daughter is having a party shortly. She has loads of friends who aren't coming because we can't fit them in. We had to limit numbers so she had to pick a few. She changed her mind about 20 times.

This is normal for little kids. Teach your son that he won't be invited to every party but his friends still care.

At six years old there can be a number of very acceptable reasons why this has happened. This happened to my dd at 12 so I do understand, my advice will be different to you due to age (dds friends turned out to be manipulative frenemies) but in the case of your son this won’t be the case, and please don’t see how for reasons why when it might be a simple oversight.

All you need to do is reassure your child - organise something lovely for next weekend for him that he can focus on and move on.

I think it’s because the mum invited kids of mums she’s friends with, I asked my son about parties as he doesn’t get invited to any and he said “you have to be friends with their mums to get invited”

My child has just started school so this is all new to me, but I have made friends with a group of the mams and I know when it's time for my child's birthday I will be inviting all the kids of the mams I'm friends with (my child plays with these kids).

I know it might not be easy, but it might be worth trying to make an effort with the other mams. It's benefitted myself and my child massively.

Primary parents are weird and do stuff you’ll never understand. Dd was best friends in a group of 4 but the mums were really close and hung out. I have older Dd and friends so had one ever said polite hellos. Dd once asked if i could hang out with them more so she didn’t miss out. It’s so alien to me that your dc’s friends would be dictated so strictly by your own friendships. I would play is down for ds and invite the boy to play in a week or two.

My 8 year old changed his mind about 5 times before his birthday party. My 6 year old is a law unto himself! It’s not a whole class party; you’re overthinking it.

Tbh I send DH in, he's very hands on, tall, easy on the eye and in a caring profession, which because of the entrenched misogyny in our society makes him Superdad apparently (not to himself just in the eyes of others). The mums at nursery fall over themselves to chat to him, so when there's an opportunity for parents to help out I do it sometimes, but he does it more. Invitations to things have definitely increased, I think they're disappointed when I turn up to parties when DH is working though 😁
I find it all a bit ridiculous. I have friends, I'm polite and approachable to parents at the gates but I'm not looking for new besties. I also have to drop and run to get to work and I know some of the mums go off for coffee or baby groups with younger ones together.

Maybe the boy thought he'd invited your DS verbally

I'd feel quite sad if I were in your shoes. I think as a parent, that if I was aware that my one of my children had a close friendship, then I would insist that that child got an invite to their birthday party. Otherwise I'd have to just let my children choose, which I suppose might mean that some friends that I wasn't aware of were missed. It's difficult. I can see why you're upset though ... I would be too.

Do the boys have play dates or only play at school? It’s likely the mum/boy have chosen the kids he spends time with out of school as they will have built a stronger relationship.

So I'm on the other side of this story. Had a party for my son. Invited 10 children that my son chose but after the party a mum (whom I vaguely know. Small talk on pick up and drop off) took off with me for not inviting her son. Her son says my DS is his best friend and talks about him all the time. I told her it was a small party but she took it very personally.

It is not the job of the teacher to sort out your Childs birthday invites
What a total pisstake from you!

It’s down to the mum. As others said she’s invited who she wants. You may be right about your assumptions But it happens all the time. Mums judge one way or another - the kids usually get on.

My ds is 6yo and we do party invites on our parent whatsapp group. We also do whole class invites which is a bit different so it works that no one is left out.

It is odd if they are best friends. It does hurt when your child isn’t invited to a party, especially when they are good friends. I am glad I’m passed this stage as there’s been a few times I felt upset for my children. They got over it quickly though

Exactly! Teachers should never be involved. Our school doesn't allow this, and it's unwritten that small group parties are frowned upon. It's meant to be very inclusive which I do love at this age. We combine class parties which brings down the cost but absolutely everyone is invited.

I would be wary of jumping to conclusion about discrimination against your older son. It might be the case but you don't really have any reason to believe that other than a hunch and it's not going to be a healthy thought process in the long run. Theres not much you can do in this situation so I would redirect your energy into doing something positive for your boys and letting it go.

I think this terrible. I understand why are upset, l would be too! He should of invited his best friend.

The teacher offered as I wasn't allowed the class list and didn't know all the children. Teacher done it for others too.

Do you mean you think they didn't invite younger DS because they were concerned that you would bring older DC to the party?

My DC recently had a party and I deliberately didn't invite a child whose mother always brings the two older siblings along, invited or not. It was an indoor sport type activity and I didn't want bigger children making it less safe. I didn't mind siblings in general coming but I didn't want them to be a lot older than the child whose party it was.

Maybe that's terrible.

Have you taken your older child to a party previously? I had to decline an invite for my youngest this weekend as I would have had to take my older Autistic son.

I think as others have said, at that age group people tend to invite the children of people they know to talk to - It is not a reflection on you, it is more a case of it is easier to organise and I remember when I was new to doing parties, that I would worry whether parents I didn't know would want to drop their children off at my house for a party. It was a bit of a learning curve.

The best thing to do is try and make contact with the mum of his friend and maybe arrange a playdate or a park meet up. It must be hard though if you have difficulties during the school run with your other child, to chat with other parents.

Ah good point, perhaps they were worried you would fetch your older child too and the party would be disrupted.

Hi @Futurefaithin,
I have just posted something similar. I have no answers or anything but just wanted to say I feel your Mama hurt ❤️