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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that men SHOULD be encouraged to be on MumsNet

79 replies

BrokenLawnmower · 09/10/2022 04:23

Obligatory: "man here" for anyone who would like to stop reading now 😆

I've been a member of MN (and other parenting forums where the members are, for whatever reason, mostly female) for about 15 years and I like to think that my exposure and involvement in these communities has given me valuable insight into women's issues.

If only in small ways, I truly believe it has made me a different (better?) man. I've had so many of my assumptions challenged and over time I have grown to accept that I am, without a doubt, part of the patriarchy that women are forced to cope with every day.

By and large, I also really like the people here.

Do the women of MN think that the men in their lives would also benefit from this experience?

YABU = They shouldn't be on MN
YANBU = They should be on MN

OP posts:
StupidSmallFruit · 09/10/2022 04:37

The vast majority of men don’t come on here with an open mind, willing to change.

They come on here to tell us how we’re all wrong.

Original poster
BrokenLawnmower · 09/10/2022 04:39

I think that the ones that are willing to post without thinking certainly do that.

I'd like to think there are more men lurking and learning than being dickhead trolls though.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 09/10/2022 04:42

Women's thoughts and experiences aren't learning opportunities for men.

Original poster
BrokenLawnmower · 09/10/2022 04:51

MolliciousIntent · 09/10/2022 04:42

Women's thoughts and experiences aren't learning opportunities for men.

I can't disagree with that.

Where can these learning opportunities be for men who have never been exposed to them? Family, school and the media? Popular culture?

Mumsnet has been very useful for me. It may not be true for others and I'm sure not here in a voyeuristic capacity.

OP posts:
idontthinksodou · 09/10/2022 04:56

I disagree, if a man is willing to listen to our thoughts and experiences and use them to learn from then surely that's a good thing and it's exactly what a lot of us women are doing!!

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 09/10/2022 05:16

MolliciousIntent · 09/10/2022 04:42

Women's thoughts and experiences aren't learning opportunities for men.

That's my first instinct.

If men want to lurk to get a different perspective, good for them but it's not lurking if they feel the need to post to let us know that's what they're doing. And I can't imagine why MN would spend their energy encouraging it.

ReeseWitherfork · 09/10/2022 05:32

You word this really interestingly. I’m not against men being here. DH has learnt a lot secondhand via FWR. He essentially went on the journey with me.

Over the years he has had a few “assumptions” that have needed challenging - last year he boldly claimed he didn’t think women lost their jobs via pregnancy discrimination anymore because the law protected them, so I explained it to him. I suppose if there is no woman in your life to do that then it’s good you are here.

spicysoup · 09/10/2022 05:45

I kinda agree with you. I've learnt so much being here. As as result ive shared both the interesting and amusing things with my DH. He has since gotten to know MN so he now researches here when we've got a problem with our kids. It's opened his mind to a different kind of parenting and its an insight to him what it is like for some women. It can only be a good thing.

ThatsRoughBuddy · 09/10/2022 05:52

Men have the rest of the bloody internet, let’s keep this tiny corner as man free as possible.

Yucca78 · 09/10/2022 05:53

MolliciousIntent · 09/10/2022 04:42

Women's thoughts and experiences aren't learning opportunities for men.

This is why as a younger women I would never have called myself a feminist.

How do we learn if not from each other?

Clymene · 09/10/2022 05:58

I don't care if you're here as long as you STFU

BiasedBinding · 09/10/2022 06:15

I don’t really care whether men think they learn anything or not by coming on here, what would make a difference would be men listening to and giving credit and respect to the women they know and encounter in RL. Those women have probably been saying all the stuff you read on here but men often don’t think it’s worth listening to

lannistunut · 09/10/2022 06:26

BiasedBinding · 09/10/2022 06:15

I don’t really care whether men think they learn anything or not by coming on here, what would make a difference would be men listening to and giving credit and respect to the women they know and encounter in RL. Those women have probably been saying all the stuff you read on here but men often don’t think it’s worth listening to

I agree with this.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 06:38

I don't mind whether men want to use the forum or not. I do mind when men post and declare they're men as though that makes their opinions more valid.

There are also lots of very vulnerable women on here and id hate to think that abusive men could use the forum to learn what they can get away with and how to go about it.

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 06:44

I don’t see a problem with it, as long as you don’t pretend to be female, and a man’s perspective would be welcome IMO.

daisychain01 · 09/10/2022 06:48

Men have a vested interest in the status quo.

They have almost zero motivation to know about the other side of life from women, because judging by the men who women describe on here, they get to have:

nice job they escape to, opting out of family life and drudgery of housework
pull on their Lycra and head off to the cycling club whenever they like for hours on end
women doing their life admin for them
women willing to live in a man's house with no legal protection from being ejected if he decides he wants a newer model....

etc etc need I go on.

anyone not in the above category is already enlightened, with a balanced and respectful feminist perspective, pull their weight, support their partner's career as being equally important (not just a "little job to bring in some pin money) and don't need to be educated in their ways of behaving.

daisychain01 · 09/10/2022 06:50

Yes, the "man here" to me smacks of "I'm strolling over here to help you understand things better"

no, it's fine thanks, we don't need help.

PriOn1 · 09/10/2022 06:57

It’s one thing if a load of men come here and read, it’s another if they all come and join in. The latter would obviously change this from being a place where (mostly) women talk (and men can potentially learn) to something completely different. It would then no longer be of any use to any men, and women would have lost a valuable and unusual place, where their voices dominate.

PoTayToes80 · 09/10/2022 06:58

I’ve always read the “man here” as more of a sheepish disclaimer.

After all, surely it’s worse if they post and let others assume they’re women?

tackling · 09/10/2022 07:00

Personally, I like that it's a female-dominated forum, which is rare online.

The vibe here is different from other places and often straightforwardly feminist in the best of ways.

Ridelikethewindypops · 09/10/2022 07:01

As others have said, I think it depends on the attitude and intention. But tbh, any man who joins mn with an open mind, hoping to be educated and gain wisdom, is probably already listening to the women around him in real life and doesn't need mn.
Unfortunately those men are the exception in my experience.
I like mn as it is a space for women to talk freely about issues that only affect women. As soon as a man's voice joins the conversation it's not just about women anymore.

Ridelikethewindypops · 09/10/2022 07:04

PoTayToes80 · 09/10/2022 06:58

I’ve always read the “man here” as more of a sheepish disclaimer.

After all, surely it’s worse if they post and let others assume they’re women?

When they do the " man here" thing though, the post ( whatever the topic) almost always becomes about men on mn. Putting the man at the centre. So yes, I'd prefer if they said nothing at all tbh.

OneOfThoseOldFashionedWomen · 09/10/2022 07:12

Yucca78 · 09/10/2022 05:53

This is why as a younger women I would never have called myself a feminist.

How do we learn if not from each other?

Show quote history

Once a man feels the need to announce 'man here' I know all I need to know. It is like a cockerel 'look at me and my maleness'

It is an anonymous forum, respond to threads as you see fit, no need to announce.

Donotgogentle · 09/10/2022 07:12

There are so few female friendly spaces on the internet that I would prefer men weren’t on MN.

And I get really irritated when men come here to mansplain with their male perspective. Because we don’t hear enough male perspective all the bloody time.

That said I know my DS is a lurker and I think he’s learned a lot. But as pp said, STFU.

Miffee · 09/10/2022 07:13

No OP I dont, at least not for the reasons you are auggesting. This place isn't representative of women's views I general, ita just as much an echo chamber of specific values and beliefs as any other Internet community.

Coming here and believing it has given you an insight into women's beliefs if really daft and potentially dangerous depending on how seriously you take it.

If you want to know how women think and feel in a way that can make a difference to your real life I suggest you talk and listen to the women in your real life.