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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am owed a massive apology by DH

94 replies

Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:16

So backstory is, both DH and I work. Kids are teens. I do all the washing and cooking and usually we have a cleaner but she left a few months ago and am struggling to replace her.

I know there is lots of inequality here in terms of home labour but I’ve mostly made my peace with it ( I work less but earn more) Kids are big into sports so DH does lots of sport runs.

Anyways house is really an absolute mess and I was going to spend today cleaning. Already had a run in with DD 14 who wouldn’t help.

DH comes in with younger DD from a match. I am mopping the hall so tell them to leave muddy boots outside and take sacks of footballs etc through the lane. Then DH goes out to watch a local match and an hour later comes home and I’m still cleaning, I’m pretty cranky now as I’m 4 hours in and no one is helping.

He then says he’s going to golf at which point I say ‘are you serious’

He then gets quite ridiculously angry saying I’m being weird about cleaning, speaking down to him in his own house and being a ‘b’ - he is childish enough to think by saying b he’s not saying bitch.

I did dinner tonight , didn’t leave anything for him and then took the dog for a walk and we are not speaking. No apology so he clearly thinks he’s not wrong. I’m willing to hold out as long as it takes for an apology but AIBU to expect a serious one.

Admittedly I was narky when he came in the 2nd time but it did not warrant that reaction. And the house was genuinely a pig sty - no mrs hinch here

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 08/10/2022 22:21

You need to get a cleaner sorted ASAP. I would get one to come in and do the whole house in one go. If the children have pocket money I would halve that immediately and put the rest towards the cleaner's pay. Tell them every action has a consequence.

Your husband sounds really selfish. What is he like the rest of the time?

Original poster
Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:23

He’s normally good but doesn’t like to have a lot asked of him - so yes selfish. I can live with this and have done for many years.

However, I can’t live with that reaction

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2022 22:24

Your children are taking their lead from their dad. If he won’t pitch in neither will they. Not sure getting another cleaner helps the crap dynamic that’s in place where you do too much and they’re lazy and treat you badly.

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2022 22:25

The children need to muck in. Its unacceptable for them not to. If you tell them to do it and they dont, put consequemces in.

I would also have a word with husband about doing his fair share (which will be less than you because he works more hours) calmly and say that you dknt appreciate how he traipses dirt around and ypu sjould be able tp challenge him on it without him creating a fuss.

londonmummy1966 · 08/10/2022 22:27

If they won't help then you need to stop looking after them all the time. I suggest laundry strike. Save yours until you have a load and only do yours. Once they all run out of clean clothes they might appreciate what you do a bit better

MarianneVos · 08/10/2022 22:28

How much less do you work? If your children are teens is doing much more of the housework actually unfair (if I had a child free day off a week I could easily cover it)?

The amount you each earn is irrelevant, it's about equal free time.

That said he was unreasonable to speak to you like that, you are unreasonable in how you've reacted.

Wayk · 08/10/2022 22:33

It is crap having to do it all. Men need to do their share of housework.

Original poster
Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:33

Good advice on laundry strike.

I did push and the kids did sort through and put away the laundry and do the dishwasher so some progress was made.
DH did nothing and then turned it on me - I can only think it was his guilt

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 08/10/2022 22:36

Why on earth do you think your kids should help when your husband won’t? You’re setting a terrible example for them. Your husband sounds like an utter dickhead

Original poster
Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:36

@MarianneVos How do you think I was unreasonable - am genuinely interested.

I do have more free time and that’s why I do all the laundry and the cooking and any cleaning that’s required (less when we have a cleaner)

OP posts:
Original poster
Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:38

@Regularsizedrudy Yes he really was today but seems to think I was unseasonable and he’s due an apology.

Clearly I should be a delight all the time, even when pissed off and having to clean with zero help

OP posts:
Discovereads · 08/10/2022 22:41

You haven’t had a cleaner for a few months, he should have been picking up his fair share from day one. I’m sorry but I would not have had your patience in this and done all extra work for months without having it out with him. And you need to. Having DDs help you just reinforces the cleaning is womens work BS.

BattenburgDonkey · 08/10/2022 22:44

YANBU, not an acceptable way to talk to you at all. But I also don’t blame your teens for refusing to help when their dad doesn’t, you don’t want them growing up to do what you do - allowing their partner to expect this inequality from them. Your DH needs to do his fair share and help teach his kids to respect you.

Original poster
Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:47

Yes @BattenburgDonkey, the eldest is totally doing monkey see monkey do. The youngest is more helpful to be fair.

He will literally not have a sock washed or a meal cooked, there is no way I will be a slave to that.

OP posts:
AdobeWanKenobi · 08/10/2022 22:48

As teens mine were allocated their own room plus kitchen and their own room plus bedroom. If they were not done the Wi-Fi password would change and there would be no cash forthcoming.
DH and I would do living/dining/our room.

DH needs to understand that everyone needs to pull their weight. Maybe stop pulling for a few days yourself and let them witness the fall out.

ManyMaybes · 08/10/2022 22:52

Have you discussed the need to do more cleaning with your husband/children? Does he agree that the place is a mess or does he think you are over reacting to the state of the house.

It’s possible you’re expecting a cleaner house than other people would and they therefore don’t want to do it.

For example, when I was a teenager my step mother invented the new chore of waxing the wardrobes and other wooden furniture in bedrooms. Of course I and my siblings objected and this caused unnecessary strife in the household. Is it possible this is happening in yours?

Goldbar · 08/10/2022 22:57

You're taking the right approach. Stop cooking and doing laundry for anyone who doesn't muck in and do their share. Who made you their skivvy?

Talipesmum · 08/10/2022 23:01

Regularsizedrudy · 08/10/2022 22:36

Why on earth do you think your kids should help when your husband won’t? You’re setting a terrible example for them. Your husband sounds like an utter dickhead

She’s not setting a terrible example to them. He is. All on him.

Merryoldgoat · 08/10/2022 23:01

YABU because you seem to be avoiding actually resolving the issue.

You seem way too happy to put up with the selfishnesses until you reach an unspecified breaking point.

After years of it you’re unlikely to sort it easily but you do need to.

He sounds horrible frankly - people who are nice only if they get their own way aren’t nice people.

Original poster
Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 23:02

No @ManyMaybes , that’s not the case. Think dirty floors, dust everywhere, juice etc stains in the kitchen, bathrooms
etc not cleaned for over a week, bins overflowing, bedclothes not changed for 2 weeks. washing piled high etc. I truly don’t have high standards but don’t like when it gets really filthy

OP posts:
StClare101 · 08/10/2022 23:05

It’s not just your DH it’s your kids too. My seven and eight year olds do the dishwasher every morning along with putting their own laundry away without even seeing it as a chore! You have teenagers who should be cleaning up their own spills, putting the bibs out, putting a wash on each and hanging it out at least once a week…. Your entire family sound like moaners and ultimately your DH is a dick.

Iateallthechocolate · 08/10/2022 23:05

There is no reason for you to do anyone's laundry but your own. Show the teens how to work the machine, after that they do their own or suffer the consequences of having dirty clothes and bedding. Same with DH.

That frees up a lot of time for you, and you suffer no consequences if they fail to do it.

Original poster
Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 23:06

@Merryoldgoat He isn’t always this way but is when it comes to house work. I’ve obviously indulged this so need to take responsibility for that. However he should at the very least not be a prick when he’s doing nothing

OP posts:
Goldbar · 08/10/2022 23:18

Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 23:06

@Merryoldgoat He isn’t always this way but is when it comes to house work. I’ve obviously indulged this so need to take responsibility for that. However he should at the very least not be a prick when he’s doing nothing

It's not your responsibility to train an adult. Either they behave decently and do their share or they don't. If he doesn't pull his weight, that's on him not you. He knows what he's doing.

Tsort · 08/10/2022 23:20

Why are you tolerating all this? You keep saying you’re alright with his usual behaviour, but why?

And what do you think you’re modelling for your daughters? That the women in the household need to cater to the penis haver? You want this to be their normal?