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To think I am owed a massive apology by DH

94 replies

Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:16

So backstory is, both DH and I work. Kids are teens. I do all the washing and cooking and usually we have a cleaner but she left a few months ago and am struggling to replace her.

I know there is lots of inequality here in terms of home labour but I’ve mostly made my peace with it ( I work less but earn more) Kids are big into sports so DH does lots of sport runs.

Anyways house is really an absolute mess and I was going to spend today cleaning. Already had a run in with DD 14 who wouldn’t help.

DH comes in with younger DD from a match. I am mopping the hall so tell them to leave muddy boots outside and take sacks of footballs etc through the lane. Then DH goes out to watch a local match and an hour later comes home and I’m still cleaning, I’m pretty cranky now as I’m 4 hours in and no one is helping.

He then says he’s going to golf at which point I say ‘are you serious’

He then gets quite ridiculously angry saying I’m being weird about cleaning, speaking down to him in his own house and being a ‘b’ - he is childish enough to think by saying b he’s not saying bitch.

I did dinner tonight , didn’t leave anything for him and then took the dog for a walk and we are not speaking. No apology so he clearly thinks he’s not wrong. I’m willing to hold out as long as it takes for an apology but AIBU to expect a serious one.

Admittedly I was narky when he came in the 2nd time but it did not warrant that reaction. And the house was genuinely a pig sty - no mrs hinch here

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

608 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
shedwithivy · 09/10/2022 08:29

Some really good advice on this thread. You are owed an apology for how he spoke to you, but I would try to speak to him rather than sulking.

I also see myself in your freaking out with everything and turbo cleaning... although if I'm honest, my family are more likely to read the signs and sheepishly help out.

Agree about the communication going forward. assigning chores to the teens is a life lesson, they aren't necessarily going to be able to afford a cleaner when they leave home and shouldn't expect others to do everything for them.

Also looking at leisure time, if the golf course is dhs thing fair enough, but do you get equal leisure time after work and hoysework? Does he need to drop an evening or get x/y/z done before he goes?

And keep looking for a cleaner if you can afford it as it seems to improve your own quality of life and well-being.

sandytooth · 09/10/2022 08:33

Thing is you decided it was cleaning day but did everyone else agree?

Next time draw up a list of what needs doing and give people 3 days to do it in?

Calligraph · 09/10/2022 12:50

Hi OP,
DH & I both work full time so share the cleaning at the weekend.
However, if I worked one day less than him, it would be expected that I do the cleaning seeing as he’d be at work and it would give us both less work to do at the weekend.
As you work a day less than DH, why are you not getting the cleaning done this day so you have family time at the weekend?

Kite22 · 09/10/2022 16:53

Right, so you have a whole day to do the housework, having chosen to work a whole day a week, every week, less than him ?

So he has a point. Most people who pay a cleaner pay for perhaps 2 hours, maybe 3, so I'd have thought 8 hours ought to be plenty to do the cleaning and other stuff around the house.

Why do you choose to do all the cooking, when there are 2 adults and 2 teens in the house ? Even if each of the family did one main meal each a week, it would make a dent in it.

I don't think anyone is condoning the way he spoke to you, but then - I wouldn't condone the childish way you are behaving either. Nor the way you suddenly decided one day was going to be a 'blitz the house' day without planning it with the other 3 people who live there, and somehow expect them to know what is going on.

I suspect some of the votes might be agreeing that he should apologise for the language, whereas only some might be saying YANBU about the whole situation. Two different questions.

Softplayhooray · 09/10/2022 17:21

It's a ridiculous situation when you're cleaning all day and your DH and kids are doing loads of sports and living it up. That's literally the only sentence that needs to be said.

You don't need a cleaner necessarily, because if you all help out, it's a lot easier. Also you need to just say you're going out to a sport at the weekends too.

JuneOsborne · 09/10/2022 17:29

Oh, these kind of to-do's are the worst. You're both angry.

You're angry because you're having to do shitty jobs because of the cleaner situation and he doesn't see that and think, I won't go to the range, I'll get stuck in.

He's pissed off because he never normally had to do anything, and you're being shitty when you're not normally shitty about this stuff, so he doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

There are two problems.
The first, he's not doing enough grunt work and you normally suck that up.

The other, the way he spoke to you.

How do you live forward from that? With a conversation. He absolutely does owe you an apology. But, you need to resolve the underlying issue as well.

Riverlee · 16/02/2023 07:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MichelleScarn · 16/02/2023 07:25

@Riverlee wrong thread? But possibly!

SquashedSquashess · 16/02/2023 07:51


Riverlee · 16/02/2023 08:54

MichelleScarn · 16/02/2023 07:25

@Riverlee wrong thread? But possibly!

Yes, I’ve reported myself!

Mumsanetta · 16/02/2023 09:06

Resurrection of a zombie thread. @Kinderbuenos you may as well give us an update now this is back on actives!

ConcordeOoter · 03/03/2023 00:07

Since you usually pay a cleaner, get another cleaner sorted ASAP.

In the meantime, divvying up the labour is great but you may have trouble dictating the schedule is now so all pitch in. Especially if they have other plans already.

JudgeRudy · 03/03/2023 00:40

This sounds like a communication problem coupled with you having different ideas about housework.
You thought the house was a pigsty so thought you'd get stuck in and you could all get it done on Saturday. He had no idea that was your plan. He took son football (as usual) then got on with his plan which was to play golf.
You've assumed he intended to just leave everything up to you. Maybe he thought we can do it Sunday. He didn't feel it was as urgent as you did. You've unilaterally decided he should have been helping out on Saturday because that's when you wanted it doing.

Noones wrong or you both are. You've expected him to read your mind (and agree) when he didnt you sniped at him. He can see you're annoyed but chose to go out anyway then he's called you a B.

Going forward you need a family plan regards tackling housework. A joint agreement, not a delegation of duties by you.

katepilar · 15/04/2023 09:20

I didnt get what you wanted an apology for? Or why did you ask him "Are you serious"? Assuming there was some conversation previously about cleaning and sharing the load? By what you'ver written you are tired and pissed of by doing so much cleaning and your DH going out and not doing anything and taking it on him in a passive aggressive way. I think more of a discussion is needed.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 15/04/2023 09:24

This thread is 18 months old
fuck sake why do people pointlessly resurrect these threads

Rapunzel22 · 15/04/2023 10:09

I think it is a ploy...

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/04/2023 10:11

I mean it is shit but you're letting your kids get off lightly.
Ignoring your husband is that not called stonewalling and is classed as emotional abuse?! That's what I see on Mumsnet anyway.

Just stop doing stuff for them all. Let it get messy and messier and messier and they will hate it!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/04/2023 10:12


MostlyHappyMummy · 15/04/2023 10:18

Maybe getting your husband to wash his own clothes and a cooking rota would be a good point to start making things fairer?

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