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AIBU?

To think I am owed a massive apology by DH

94 replies

Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:16

So backstory is, both DH and I work. Kids are teens. I do all the washing and cooking and usually we have a cleaner but she left a few months ago and am struggling to replace her.

I know there is lots of inequality here in terms of home labour but I’ve mostly made my peace with it ( I work less but earn more) Kids are big into sports so DH does lots of sport runs.

Anyways house is really an absolute mess and I was going to spend today cleaning. Already had a run in with DD 14 who wouldn’t help.

DH comes in with younger DD from a match. I am mopping the hall so tell them to leave muddy boots outside and take sacks of footballs etc through the lane. Then DH goes out to watch a local match and an hour later comes home and I’m still cleaning, I’m pretty cranky now as I’m 4 hours in and no one is helping.

He then says he’s going to golf at which point I say ‘are you serious’

He then gets quite ridiculously angry saying I’m being weird about cleaning, speaking down to him in his own house and being a ‘b’ - he is childish enough to think by saying b he’s not saying bitch.

I did dinner tonight , didn’t leave anything for him and then took the dog for a walk and we are not speaking. No apology so he clearly thinks he’s not wrong. I’m willing to hold out as long as it takes for an apology but AIBU to expect a serious one.

Admittedly I was narky when he came in the 2nd time but it did not warrant that reaction. And the house was genuinely a pig sty - no mrs hinch here

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Am I being unreasonable?

608 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
20%
You are NOT being unreasonable
80%
mathanxiety · 09/10/2022 03:31

I'm guessing the teens were glued to phones or iPad or games.

Compose a lost of expectations.
Teens can do their own laundry from start to finish.
They can fill a dishwasher and empty it.
They can tidy and clean their own rooms and if they have a bathroom, they can clean that too.
Theh can keep track of their own sports kit.
They can add fridge and pantry items to a running list either manually or via an online list.
They can plan, cook, serve, and clean up after one meal each per week.
They can tidy up the sitting room and run the hoover around.

Change the wifi password daily. Make a rule that nobody gets wifi until they've done what is expected.

Keep on blanking your horrible husband. He's taking you for granted. There is no excuse whatsoever for name calling. Stick to your guns.

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PizzaPizza56 · 09/10/2022 04:05

Clean up as you go along. Don't leave it all for one day!

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Paq · 09/10/2022 04:15

YANBU. He's been an arse and he knows it.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2022 04:20

So your kids are growing up seeing that 'Dad' gets to do what he likes while 'Mum' is chained to the kitchen sink? Guess what their expectations of future relationships will be like...

Time to put a full stop to this now.

You take on more sports runs. He takes on more housework. And the kids are teens; fully capable of doing chores and contributing.

All this 'going on strike' and 'not talking' and 'holding out' for a 'massive apology' are just game playing and pointless. Have a family meeting. If he wants to act like a sulky twat in front of his kids, then let him.

And hire a cleaner! Are you not paying enough?

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Goosygandy · 09/10/2022 04:20

Ignore people who say you should have picked a better time, trained him better, laid out expectations etc. He's a grown adult, you can see what needs doing, so he can too. He just doesn't want to because he's a lazy arse with a side helping of entitlement.

The question is, are you willing to put up with this level of disrespect because it eats away at any feelings of love and affection?

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MarianneVos · 09/10/2022 04:27

Kinderbuenos · 08/10/2022 22:36

@MarianneVos How do you think I was unreasonable - am genuinely interested.

I do have more free time and that’s why I do all the laundry and the cooking and any cleaning that’s required (less when we have a cleaner)

Not cooking dinner and not speaking is quite childish. Also as others have said, not agreeing a time to sort the house together beforehand etc.

You still won't say how much less you work.

Also your house must be absolutely huge for a very basic clean to take over four hours!

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2022 04:30

Already had a run in with DD 14 who wouldn’t help.

I meant to ask, what were the consequences of this? Wifi off? No screens?

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Iwonder08 · 09/10/2022 04:36

What is the need for the passive aggressive behaviour? Have you told him and the kuds there is a 5 hour cleaning exercise you planned for the entire Saturday and you need everyone to participate? If you did, they agreed and then just ignored you then you are definitely owed an apology. If not then you are lacking basic communication and expecting everyone to praise you and give up the weekend on a whim and tolerate your nasty comments is really not a right approach.

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frazzledasarock · 09/10/2022 05:07

If everyone pitched in igg the wouldn’t have taken as long as it did take.

I would call a family meeting and split chores and designate on day to cleanin the house. But providing daily chores are kept up with the one day a week chores shouldn’t take that long.

bins should be emptied when needed, how can they be left to overflow till one person snaps? It must smell disgusting. Dishwasher should be loaded and run daily, nobody should be walking mud in the house you take muddy boots off at the door and clean your own boots. Everyone does their own laundry (you and your husband do yours together, if he actually would do it). Cooking should be shared.

i wouldn’t expect to have to tell any lucid sane person to clean up after themselves or to help ensure house is clean and hygienic and cooking is shared and laundry is done on a regular basis.

I wouldn’t cook, clean of shop for anyone who swore at me and refused to clean up their own shit. I’d divorce them. He can starve to death wallowing in his own filth if he’s too stupid to realise the need or cook and clean.

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Bpdqueen · 09/10/2022 05:24

I think yabu he works full time and takes the kids to all their activities and all he wants is one afternoon a week to do something he enjoys and for this you stop speaking to him and didn't make him dinner

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frazzledasarock · 09/10/2022 05:35

Bpdqueen · 09/10/2022 05:24

I think yabu he works full time and takes the kids to all their activities and all he wants is one afternoon a week to do something he enjoys and for this you stop speaking to him and didn't make him dinner

Yes she should honour the man who swears at her, does no housework whatsoever including feeding and cleaning up for himself and write doormat on her forehead in indelible ink and lie down for him to wipe his feet on.

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MargotChateau · 09/10/2022 05:58

Hahahahaha, your kids wouldn’t do it? There was no way that my mother would have let me get away with not doing chores, no way at all. And dh is a lazy piece of work. Who let’s their wife do all the cleaning and then call her a bitch when she is shitty because her other help won’t pitch in.

Get a chart and get him to do half along with your kids. They can do all the cleaning for a couple of months and see what you were up against.

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MargotChateau · 09/10/2022 05:59

*half not help

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rwalker · 09/10/2022 06:19

You all need to get organised but tbh realistically you said you work less hours and he does the sport stuff for kids
you could get a lot done in that time them look at dividing up what’s left
brung a martyr for 4 hours and expecting everyone to join in because you are one one isn’t going to end well
kids do there own room clean a room each a day no clutter or shit everywhere there’ll be no need for 4 hour cleans

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StoppinBy · 09/10/2022 06:26

I do think the amount of hours you each work is relevant here and although it might not be accurate, my impression is that you are avoiding the question?

As for the name calling, he is waaaaaaaayyy out of line, serves him right he didn't get any dinner.

I think you need to come together and have a rational chat about the state of things and who does what but he certainly should apologise for the name calling.

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Ivyonafence · 09/10/2022 06:32

I don't think 'sports runs' are equivalent to cleaning and cooking for a whole household.

What does a sport run involve? Driving 15 minutes and then sitting on his phone for an hour? Sign me up.

Meanwhile there's you with the mop.

You say you've accepted that he is selfish. He also does no housework, calls you a bitch and earns less money than you.... I hope he's dynamite in bed.

In the short term get a cleaner. In the longer term think about your Marr

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Kinderbuenos · 09/10/2022 06:33

i work one day less a week.
I did say I was cleaning and he said he would help and the golf wasn’t an arranged thing, he was just going to the range. He plays golf or goes to the range 3-4 times a week when the daylight allows

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girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 06:34

You shouldn't have to do all the cleaning and housework - that's unfair - but you also can't dictate how he spends his day if you're unwilling to actually ask him to help.

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caroleanboneparte · 09/10/2022 06:34

I'm not saying it's right or I agree with him but my dp doesn't think the bathroom needs cleaned weekly, sheets washed fortnightly, bins need emptied until overflowing, spills needs wiped, that dust even exists or that the floor ever needs mopped.

He actually thinks this is hunkery dory.

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Qwerkie · 09/10/2022 06:35

Your house sounds pretty grim, and you giving your husband the silent treatment could be considered to be abusive. Acting like a martyr doing your 4 hour clean then kicking off when nobody reads your mind and joins in is pretty shitty behaviour too.

have a proper talk with your DH like grown ups where you air this all out and come up with a way forward to manage the housework. If you keep letting it build up of course it will become a mammoth task.

Download the Sweepy app and have the whole family use it - you can allocate tasks for everyone and it gives you a reminder to do the tasks each day. If you keep on top of it then it won’t be a problem anymore. Have consequences if your kids don’t pitch in, if you don’t teach then who will?

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YRGAM · 09/10/2022 06:47

I think you have to improve your communication and be more assertive - don't just clean around him and get annoyed when he doesn't help, ask him for help directly. If you had asked for and got half an hour of help, this blow up wouldn't have happened.

And maybe we have different standards but I would imagine with one day less working per week you would have time to clean on that day and not have to do anything other than tidying up throughout the week

In general it sounds like you're being too passive and not laying out exactly how you want your household to work

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AgentJohnson · 09/10/2022 06:48

It’s time to have a sit down and have a conversation with the lot of them. You’ve acted like the housework fairy and everyone has got used to it. Get everyone involved with a new rota and you need to stop being the housework martyr.

There has to be consequences for non compliance, this behaviour didn’t happen overnight but you need to accept your contribution to the inequity.

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Kissingfrogs25 · 09/10/2022 07:02

You are being treated abysmally by your dh, and your. Teens are following his example.
I would find a hotel that is doc friendly snd pack up and leave without a word. There is no way I would stand for this

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Kinderbuenos · 09/10/2022 07:02

Thank you for the replies, communication is an issue for sure.

I am not sure that me giving the silent treatment to someone who called me a bitch and hasn’t apologised can be seen as abusive.

As for me interrupting the teens schedule, they were both on phones, with one of them still in pjs at 3 when I asked.

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PanPacificBallroomChampion · 09/10/2022 08:10

we are not speaking. No apology so he clearly thinks he’s not wrong. I’m willing to hold out as long as it takes for an apology

Talk to your husband FGS, I will never understand the silent treatment or sulking. Neither resolve anything.

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