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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend's best friend

64 replies

Museumland · 08/10/2022 20:01

My bf has a long established friendship with a friend who is much older , single and gay. They talk every day and have a roughly a weekend away per month either together or with another friend or so, so far these were pre arranged before we started going out. To be honest at least on my bf's part I don't think there's more to it, but his friend wants them to plan longer holidays next year. I have to say I feel confused by this. I haven't met his friend ( he lives in Munich). I have great close female friends so I do understand the need for close established friendships. But I feel I am competing for my bf with his friend. So far I have just said how nice his best friend sounds etc as I don't want to appear resentful and needy but I can't help feeling excluded and compartmentalised AIBU and any thoughts how to deal with this. I would say my bf is lovely, kind and I am quite head over heels.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 08/10/2022 20:05

but his friend wants them to plan longer holidays next year. I have to say I feel confused by this.

Why are you confused by this? The are old friends who live in different countries and therefore usually meet up in a 3rd country.
Do you think he shouldn’t be able to plan any meet ups with his friend now that he has a girlfriend?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/10/2022 20:06

Do you think you'd feel this way if his friend wasn't gay?

BigFatLiar · 08/10/2022 20:07

You think his gay friend is going to make a play for him?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2022 20:08

Do you think your boyfriend is bisexual?

Keyansier · 08/10/2022 20:12

What is with all the gay threads tonight all of a sudden?

donquixotedelamancha · 08/10/2022 20:22

Talk to him about how you feel and that you need to see yourself as a priority. You need to discuss it from the PoV that YABVU and just need reassurance.

Do not actually try to isolate him from his friend just because he's gay. Even if you succeed your BF will grow to resent you.

If you can't do this, LTB- you aren't compatible.

Museumland · 08/10/2022 20:28

I think that going away from Thursday to Sunday every month is quite a lot, I should add that on other weekends he may have to travel with work. I am not suggesting he shouldn't plan weekends away at all..

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/10/2022 21:06

If you're bothered because he's going away a lot then that's one thing. If you're bothered that he's going away with a gay man then that's a different thing.

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2022 21:19

No way would i be happy with this.

donquixotedelamancha · 08/10/2022 21:20

I think that going away from Thursday to Sunday every month is quite a lot

That would be a reasonable discussion to have if you were moving in together, having kids or just hardly saw one another.

It sounds a lot more like this is a relatively new relationship and you don't like him having a close gay friend.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 21:58

Your bf and his friend who live in different countries speak to each other every day and meet up for long weekends every month??

Clearly I need to change sex and get myself a gay mate, because my friends who don't live in the same immediate area generally meet up once a quarter of 6 months. And if it's different countries, it's usually years!

That is very close. Are you sure he's not bi?

You sure you're not a beard?

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 21:58

*once a quarter or 6 months.

Swedenotturnip · 08/10/2022 22:06

Have you ever heard his friend? Or seen him?

Museumland · 08/10/2022 22:11

I have certainly heard the friend as he's always calling ! I haven't met him though.

OP posts:
Swedenotturnip · 08/10/2022 22:12

How long have you two been together?

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2022 22:13

I think its totally weird OP. I have very close friends all over the country and (as a PP already said) we dont meet up more then once a year.

RondaYolanda · 08/10/2022 22:16

Does the older gay man typically pay for things on the holiday? It could be a sugar daddy situation.

FrazzledFirefly · 08/10/2022 22:16

This has made me think of Brokeback Mountain... Sorry OP but I'd have to think that he's bisexual. What you're describing is a long distance relationship

LetMeSpeak · 08/10/2022 22:18

Wait so gay people can’t be friends with straight men. I don’t get what the problem is. Maybe the friend does find your bf attractive who cares? Unless you think your bf isn’t actually straight I don’t get the problem.

Anniefrenchfry · 08/10/2022 22:19

Are you jealous, Controlling or thinking he’s gay? Just say your issue, as his friend lives in mainland Europe him seeing him once a month or speaking to him daily is fine, so either you’re jealous, a controlling person who doesn’t want him to spend time like this with friends, or you think he’s Gay? Which is it~?

Anniefrenchfry · 08/10/2022 22:21

FrazzledFirefly · 08/10/2022 22:16

This has made me think of Brokeback Mountain... Sorry OP but I'd have to think that he's bisexual. What you're describing is a long distance relationship

Are you shitting us, what’s wrong with you that you can’t think straight men can’t be friends with gay men?

such a horrifying answer.

LetMeSpeak · 08/10/2022 22:25

Some of these comments are just homophobic. I have friends who are lesbian and reading this thread is rather upsetting

purplerain13 · 08/10/2022 22:26

It's not a straight/gay friendship question. It's the fact that this "friendship" seems very intense. I don't speak to my best friend daily & we live in the same city & sometimes don't manage to see each other for a month!
If the gay friend were female, it would look bad. It's the same thing.

Aconitum · 08/10/2022 22:27

I don't think OP is jealous. I think that she thinks that gay friend is jealous of her and BF's relationship which is why he is pushing for more meet ups and longer holidays. It was all OK before apparently so why does he feel the need to up the ante now BF is in a relationship.
Up to you OP but if you think you're going to be the Diana to their Gladys and Fred then you probably need to step away now.

DuckDuckNo · 08/10/2022 22:31

LetMeSpeak · 08/10/2022 22:25

Some of these comments are just homophobic. I have friends who are lesbian and reading this thread is rather upsetting

You have lesbian friends so you're personally upset that the OP finds her boyfriend's friendship a bit intense? 🤔