Boyfriend's best friend

[Museumland]

My bf has a long established friendship with a friend who is much older , single and gay. They talk every day and have a roughly a weekend away per month either together or with another friend or so, so far these were pre arranged before we started going out. To be honest at least on my bf's part I don't think there's more to it, but his friend wants them to plan longer holidays next year. I have to say I feel confused by this. I haven't met his friend ( he lives in Munich). I have great close female friends so I do understand the need for close established friendships. But I feel I am competing for my bf with his friend. So far I have just said how nice his best friend sounds etc as I don't want to appear resentful and needy but I can't help feeling excluded and compartmentalised AIBU and any thoughts how to deal with this. I would say my bf is lovely, kind and I am quite head over heels.

I think it requires some fact findings. You need to invite the friend over to UK or suggest all of you meet somewhere. If he declines then you've got your answer.
If he accepts then you need to watch how they interact. On the whole this intensity is not that strange in itself however quite obviously romantic experiences such as gondola ride or orient express would make me think at least one of them has an agenda.

My 48 year old, gay, single cousin lives in Munich and is forever having friends to stay and travelling...

He's always been like this - hugely social, very friendly and generous, and LOVES to travel. He invites me over every time we speak.

If his name begins with a D, then 🤯🤯🤯. But also, he's just a genuinely nice guy.

It seems like he is spending more time with the friend than with you.

Does he talk to you every day and take you on a weekend away every month?

This is weird.

Friendships matter and you should always respect them - as you would want your partner to respect yours. I don't think your BF having holidays with his friend should be disturbing or mean you're not a priority.

I lived with my male friend - let's call him Joe - when he met the girlfriend who became his wife. I was his best 'man' at their wedding, We stayed friends throughout their marriage (40 years all told) including as couples when I was married. Sadly she died this year so I'm making sure I look out for him - meeting up for weekends etc. I loved his wife. If she had been uncomfortable with our friendship where would he be now when he needs my support?

Your boyfriend is gay.

If his friend wasn't gay the situation wouldn't be Happening !

It sounds like the friendship is very dominating of your boyfriend's time and attention. Is it usually him calling your bf/ other way round/ a mix?

How many more prearranged trips are left from before you met?

I might be inclined to ignore those as they run their course as he can't easily cancel flights etc but then ask what he's thinking regarding the longer holidays. I wouldn't be delighted at the idea of a partner spending all of his annual leave to holiday with the same friend he goes away with constantly rather than thinking about going somewhere with me. Not to say they can't have their trips at all but if you're in a relationship you don't want these to be at the expense of going away as a couple.

It's also pretty intense devoting one long weekend a month to one friend overseas. Maybe say you'd like to meet the friend, could you join next time, especially if someone else is going too?

I mean, encourage his friendships of course, but also make it clear that you would like him to do things with you too and bring you into his close relationships.

HA!

You must not know many people then. Talk about a post straight out of a big book of stereotypes. Straight men, what are they like, no social lives apart from grunting into their pints once a week!

This sounds like a great friendship to me. OP in your position I'd want to meet your bf's friend - not out of any suspicion or sense of competition but because I'd enjoy meeting anyone who means so much to him.

I looked forward to meeting all of DP's friends when we got together and now they're mostly my friends too.

I wish I could say the vile homophobia throughout this thread is a surprise on MN.

They clearly have a close friendship, but is it impacting your relationship in any way? If not then I wouldn't worry too much. It's important to maintain friendships when you're in a relationship. Clearly this might change as the relationship progresses (children, etc) but it doesn't sound like you're there yet.

I don't think it's an issue unless it's an issue for you, if that makes sense.

Such weird homophobia and stereotyping of straight men is this thread. Saying that I think it sounds a lot for a friendship. As people have said above, you need to meet him. Come at it from a friendly angle. You want to meet his friend he spends so much time with, can you join on a trip or the friend come to you guys for a change?

Straight men do not have this level of closeness with anyone they're not in a relationship with

I know loads of men like this!

I guess the men you know don’t act this way out of fear they’ll be labelled gay. And as this thread has shown they’re probably right.