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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend's best friend

64 replies

Museumland · 08/10/2022 20:01

My bf has a long established friendship with a friend who is much older , single and gay. They talk every day and have a roughly a weekend away per month either together or with another friend or so, so far these were pre arranged before we started going out. To be honest at least on my bf's part I don't think there's more to it, but his friend wants them to plan longer holidays next year. I have to say I feel confused by this. I haven't met his friend ( he lives in Munich). I have great close female friends so I do understand the need for close established friendships. But I feel I am competing for my bf with his friend. So far I have just said how nice his best friend sounds etc as I don't want to appear resentful and needy but I can't help feeling excluded and compartmentalised AIBU and any thoughts how to deal with this. I would say my bf is lovely, kind and I am quite head over heels.

OP posts:
Oliverfunyuns · 08/10/2022 22:32

A long weekend every month seems like a lot of time to spend with a friend. I wouldn't be comfortable with it, tbh, regardless of whether the friend is gay.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:37

Wait so gay people can’t be friends with straight men.

Of course they can but speaking every day and spending a long weekend every month together seems like more than a typical friendship. Gay or straight. How often do you and your friend's meet up when you live in different countries? How often do you speak on the phone?

Plenty of people in long distance relationships don't have that much contact.

Anniefrenchfry · 08/10/2022 22:40

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 22:37

Wait so gay people can’t be friends with straight men.

Of course they can but speaking every day and spending a long weekend every month together seems like more than a typical friendship. Gay or straight. How often do you and your friend's meet up when you live in different countries? How often do you speak on the phone?

Plenty of people in long distance relationships don't have that much contact.

this is so sad for you so utterly sad., I do this with my best friend, we are bith straight and married, we don’t fancy each other, how sad your view of friendship is so limited you think one needs to want to fuck the other,to have this level of contact

Snugglemonkey · 08/10/2022 22:42

Oliverfunyuns · 08/10/2022 22:32

A long weekend every month seems like a lot of time to spend with a friend. I wouldn't be comfortable with it, tbh, regardless of whether the friend is gay.

What would be the source of the discomfort? I used to spend every other weekend with my best friend. It suited us for about 5 years.

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2022 22:43

OP do you have kids?

Annie, i suppose people on here are looking at it from their POV i.e. of having a family. I dont know how anyone with a family who has enough time to go off once a month on friemdship.meet ups with the same person.

Muminabun · 08/10/2022 22:50

Er no. Your instinct is spot on op. Are you a cover for your boyfriend being gay.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2022 23:31

Straight men do not have this level of closeness with anyone they're not in a relationship with

They may have mates they meet up with for a pint every week

But they don't have friends they go on extended holidays with/meet up every month and stay with them for a weekend on a monthly basis

I know no one like this - if there is anyone like this it's really rare 🤷‍♀️ and I'd definitely be wondering if they were in a relationship together before thinking 'how lovely you have such a close relationship with a friend'

FrazzledFirefly · 08/10/2022 23:44

Anniefrenchfry · 08/10/2022 22:21

Are you shitting us, what’s wrong with you that you can’t think straight men can’t be friends with gay men?

such a horrifying answer.

Show quote history

I'm not saying at all that straight men and gay men can't be friends. It's the intensity of it that has made me think it's a long distance relationship. Speaking daily, frequent weekends away.

FrazzledFirefly · 08/10/2022 23:44

purplerain13 · 08/10/2022 22:26

It's not a straight/gay friendship question. It's the fact that this "friendship" seems very intense. I don't speak to my best friend daily & we live in the same city & sometimes don't manage to see each other for a month!
If the gay friend were female, it would look bad. It's the same thing.

My thoughts exactly

FrazzledFirefly · 08/10/2022 23:56

Anniefrenchfry · 08/10/2022 22:21

Are you shitting us, what’s wrong with you that you can’t think straight men can’t be friends with gay men?

such a horrifying answer.

Show quote history

Actually @Anniefrenchfry I've read your response to me again and I find you extremely horrifying! Such a kneejerk and massively assuming reaction you have had to my original balanced response to the OP.

For what it's worth I'm a straight woman with a lesbian best friend.

Stopthebusplease · 09/10/2022 00:01

Could you perhaps suggest that you go with your BF to their next meet up? Tell him that as he obviously thinks a lot of this man, that you would like to meet, and get to know him too. His reaction may well tell you a lot, and if he thinks it's a strange request, just say that you would like to get to know all of his friends if the relationship is going anywhere, and obviously you wouldn't want to be involved every time they get together, but would just like to meet him.

RondaYolanda · 09/10/2022 00:05

Talking everyday and going away together every month? This relationship is clearly not normal! And it’s not as if they’ve been mates since primary school. It seems your bf is in a long distance relationship with this much older man.

FlissyPaps · 09/10/2022 00:14

Do you have weekends away with him OP?

Do you feel like he is prioritising his friend over you?

Original poster
Museumland · 09/10/2022 07:02

Just to add a few follow up points.... It's the intensity of the relationship that is my concern. I really wanted to know people's views on this and it's the friend's escalation to seeking 2 week holidays plus weekends knowing that my bf is in a relationship and some of the things he wants to them (like go on a gondala in Venice, take the Orient Express) to do suggest to me that the friend sees my bf as a surrogate bf for him. If anything I feel that the friend is putting my bf in a difficult position, we have limited amounts of holiday that we can take and money to be spent.

OP posts:
cooolio · 09/10/2022 10:54

You're worried he wants to take him up the grand canal?

RondaYolanda · 10/10/2022 05:14

It sounds like the friend is asking too much of your bf.

Rosehugger · 10/10/2022 05:19

I agree, it's way too much time spent with the friend, and doing activities that romantic couples do. I'd ask BF how much time he really has for you or how much time he is likely to be spending with you going forward, as you don't feel a priority in his life right now.

Simonjt · 10/10/2022 05:23

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2022 23:31

Straight men do not have this level of closeness with anyone they're not in a relationship with

They may have mates they meet up with for a pint every week

But they don't have friends they go on extended holidays with/meet up every month and stay with them for a weekend on a monthly basis

I know no one like this - if there is anyone like this it's really rare 🤷‍♀️ and I'd definitely be wondering if they were in a relationship together before thinking 'how lovely you have such a close relationship with a friend'

Shit, my friends must be imaginery in that case.

girlmom21 · 10/10/2022 05:45

I think he's very lucky to have such a good friend and if you're jealous of their friendship that's your issue.

They were this close before you met. Don't ask him to choose because you won't like his choice.

Krakinou · 10/10/2022 05:57

If you’d replaced the gay bf for a straight woman in this post, every single reply would be telling you that you’re being taken for a ride. It definitely sounds like he’s in a long distance relationship with this man. Leave him. Find someone who’s only focused on you.

mellongoose · 10/10/2022 05:58

The friend sounds a bit too intense, OP.

Not sure what you can do about it other than have a calm, sensible and grown up conversation with your bf.

girlmom21 · 10/10/2022 06:05

Krakinou · 10/10/2022 05:57

If you’d replaced the gay bf for a straight woman in this post, every single reply would be telling you that you’re being taken for a ride. It definitely sounds like he’s in a long distance relationship with this man. Leave him. Find someone who’s only focused on you.

And if you replaced him with a straight man it'd be fine.

It's not our fault that so many posters can't have friends without wanting to shag them.

LozzaChops101 · 10/10/2022 06:08

Being a big old lesbian myself I’d like to think I’m not having a homophobic knee-jerk of a reaction here - but I would definitely wonder what’s going on here if I were you OP. It sounds like teenage girl levels of friendship intensity. If I were you I’d ask your bf to invite friend over and gauge things from there, as I think a PP has already suggested.

If it is just friendship then that’s very sweet but I can see how that puts pressure on your relationship etc.

Do you know how they met, if the friend is a lot older?

HRD2be · 10/10/2022 06:19

My best friend - a lesbian, I'm straight- lives in the UK but the opposite end to me. If I had the funds and time I would love to see her every month- I love spending time with her. We've managed to not sleep together for 27 years of friendship Grin my DH's best mate lives six doors away; I raise your once a month to at least 3 impromptu visits a week...!

I think YABU and have an underlying fear that there's something else going on

Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 06:45

How long have you been together?

You knew about this when getting into a relationship.
You need to put up with it or move on.

Me and my best friend used to be even closer than this until her boyfriend started saying I fancied her (I’m 100% straight) and guilt tripped her into not spending time with me without him there.
Eventually she stopped seeing me completely as it was creating arguments as he was saying she must fancy me too.

Do not be that controlling partner.

If the friend fancied your bf he’d have made his move years ago.

If you can’t control your jealousy then you’ve got no choice but to end the relationship.

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