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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to MIL coming over?

100 replies

banana1754 · 08/10/2022 17:20

Received a call from MIL last night at around 8:30pm saying she was on her way to visit. I was instantly pissed off because she had just dropped this on me and I just wanted a relaxing evening.

She arrived a short while after the phone call and woke up my 10 week old baby who had already had her bath and was asleep for the night (she sleeps through until 5am). The baby spent the whole entire time that MIL was here screaming as her sleep had been interrupted and MIL was trying to interact with her when all she wanted to do was sleep. MIL got upset and started saying "does she not remember me?", "I've never seen her like this before". I tried to explain to her that the baby was in bed before she got here and is crying because she's tired. I had to take the baby in the end as she was just inconsolable.

After she finally went home, we were left with a very unsettled, over tired baby who took hours to settle again. MIL sent a text about how "disappointed" she was with the visit and it's just pissed me off even more. Who the hell thinks it's acceptable to come to someone's house at close to 9pm to visit a newborn baby?!

Would IBU to say she cannot come here after a certain time?

OP posts:

BeardieWeirdie · 10/10/2022 09:48

How you didn’t immediately say “what the fuck are you doing? The baby is asleep!” when granny reached her hands into the cot is beyond me. Stand up for my our baby, even if your stupid husband won’t. This whole “be kind” bollocks has a lot to answer for.

BeardieWeirdie · 10/10/2022 09:49

*my our = your

Istolethecookies · 10/10/2022 09:55

Even if I didn’t have a baby, I’d be annoyed if MIL turned up at that time! Who does that… I’m in bed at 9pm. I’d tell her now that it’s really not acceptable to just turn up at that time. She needs to let you know in advance if she plans on coming over and arrange for a time when you know baby isn’t likely to be sleeping.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 10/10/2022 10:12

I wouldnt be letting anyone visit at that time anyway regardless of having a 10wk old.

At 8.30pm i can be found in pjs watching tv not entertaining visitors

InsertPunHere · 10/10/2022 10:17

Your DH is an idiot. No, his mother's desire to wake the baby doesn't trump the baby's need for sleep.

Wexone · 10/10/2022 10:30

Who calls to peoples houses at 8:30pm unless its a dinner, party or pre arranged date ?? Regardless of baby or not. If this was me would be having a few stern words with my husband and start put some boundaries on place with mother in law. I wouldnt have been able to hold my tongue if she had off done that with me

EL8888 · 10/10/2022 10:37

banana1754 · 10/10/2022 09:44

Thank you!

Show quote history

Well, exactly. It is relevant to what happened

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 10/10/2022 10:42

Glitterspy · 10/10/2022 09:22

Stealth boasting about a 10 week old sleeping through 🙄

You know she was unreasonable to pick your baby out of bed. The fact your baby sleeps through (for now) is totally irrelevant to the story.

Stealth boasting? Such a weird thing to take from this thread. Even if it was a boast, who wouldn't want to boast about that?! My DD2 is 3 months and has slept through since more or less birth and I'll tell the world!

I have a similar sounding MIL but thankfully she doesn't live anywhere near as if she did, I can imagine her trying to do this exact same bring.

It's always awkward because you don't want to look like your causing an issue especially when it's your in laws. However! It's your baby so don't feel like you have to anything to please anyone else. Put your foot down asap so she gets the point pronto and hopefully stops arriving at bizarre times.

LittleOwl153 · 10/10/2022 10:53

"Yes I too was disappointed that you woke baby after she had been put down for the night. Baby goes down at 8pm so of you want to see her you need to visit before then in future. It is really not fair on her to wake her - she had a really bad night as a result."

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/10/2022 10:56

I literally can't imagine going into someones house and waking up their sleeping baby, getting them out their cot and then try to play with them! No one, in the history of people, has ever been pleased when someone wakes them up out of a short but deep sleep, just because the other person wants to. It's insane she did this, insane your husband thinks it's ok, and insane that she complained it didn't go well.

I'd get one of your mates to come round an hour after your husband is asleep and wake him up for a cup of tea and a chat and then act all offended and say 'but you hardly get to see each other!' when he doesnt like it

StClare101 · 10/10/2022 10:58

“Disappointing for you, upsetting for us. No more late visits as poor little DD is still very unsettled the next day and I know you want what’s best for her”.

Laiste · 10/10/2022 11:03

LittleOwl153 · 10/10/2022 10:53

This is perfect.

You're a parent now OP - one of the great lessons of new parenthood is that it means facing having tricky conversations with people for the good of your kids. Good luck x

Oh and - all 4 of mine slept through by 6 weeks old.
Just to piss even more posters off 😂
<twirls>

Picklewicklepickle · 10/10/2022 11:09

You’re all nuts unreasonable, your DH and MIL for thinking this is OK and you for not saying no, why one earth did you let her wake up your baby?!

Laiste · 10/10/2022 11:09

Just a thought - is she jealous that your baby sleeps through so well?

Could it be a bit of bloody mindedness, coming round and waking the baby up?

My XMIL was unable to conceal her resentment at my DCs being fab sleepers right from when they were tiny. God knows why! She'd make digs about ''Laiste and her army regimes'' because i had good bedtime routines which worked for us and which i stuck to. (i had 3 under 5 at one point. I needed good routines!)

Guess what? I didn't give a shit what she thought.

HoppingPavlova · 10/10/2022 11:10

I just don’t understand how this went down? MIL arrives and you didn’t notice her going over to baby and waking/picking them up? Or, did she wait until you were elsewhere such as the loo or making a cuppa so you couldn’t say anything to stop her.

JFDIYOLO · 25/11/2022 17:11

It amazes me how women who have been DILs, have had children, etc, do batshit crazy things like this.

Time to message her and say this is when you're free, open to visitors, as it's important the baby's routine isn't disrupted. And to message before setting out.

waterrat · 25/11/2022 21:22

when I had a baby a friend said to me - you are the grown up now, you have to set the rules for your parents - it is a big change! I had similar - my dad trying to turn up late in the evening - I had to realise that it was up to me to say no.

Honeyandlemonnn · 25/11/2022 21:24

Threads like this make me glad my MIL has never been to my house

Bertiesmum3 · 26/09/2023 14:45

My MiL used to phone me up or knock at my door 7.00-7.30 some mornings, whey’s answered the phone she’d be like oh good you’re home, I’m like where the F do you think I’d be with a baby at this time of day, I’d never answer the door to her, I’d hide under the window!!

ACynicalDad · 26/09/2023 14:53

Nothingbuttheglory · 08/10/2022 17:41

Your 10 week old sleeps through????
<,misses point>

ours did by about 6 weeks, I think a fair few are early sleepers but it's brutal to tell people so we generally shut up. There area few dads I enjoy telling though...

GKD · 26/09/2023 15:00

My first woke every 2 hrs til 16m, always slept poorly. In fact I swear I heard DH having a convo with 4YO DC in the early hours….

I’m 37 weeks pregnant with 2nd & last.

To all those with sleeping babies, I’m sincerely over the moon for you but can you please manifest the same for me!!!

caveat - my DC didn’t cry much at all I’ll take sleepless nights over screaming if I can only have one.

GKD · 26/09/2023 15:07

Oh re OP - my stock phrase was ‘I’m really sorry that won’t work for us/baby’.

Nip it in the bud.

My DM hated not being able to drop in but 1. I didn’t want that, at least a text first, 2. We were out a lot and moaned that she felt she had to make an appointment (no, just ask and I’ll make sure we are in/suggest a day).

Someone put it well earlier - I always try to centre DC as in ‘DC had a bad night and was really upset because they were woken up’ as I think it lands a bit better for diplomacy sake than centring the adults.

DH & I would have gone NUTS at baby being woken. Esp as we had a non-sleeper. You only had to wait about 20/30min 😒

LifeExperience · 26/09/2023 16:21

YANBU

fearfuloffluff · 26/09/2023 16:24

Rude of mil, weak of dh, baby shouldn't be sleeping in their own room yet, annoying but it sounds like every single night I had with a baby that age so limited sympathy tbh!

almay · 26/09/2023 16:49

This happened almost a year ago so I’m sure she’s sorted it by now

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