To say no to MIL coming over?

[banana1754]

Received a call from MIL last night at around 8:30pm saying she was on her way to visit. I was instantly pissed off because she had just dropped this on me and I just wanted a relaxing evening.

She arrived a short while after the phone call and woke up my 10 week old baby who had already had her bath and was asleep for the night (she sleeps through until 5am). The baby spent the whole entire time that MIL was here screaming as her sleep had been interrupted and MIL was trying to interact with her when all she wanted to do was sleep. MIL got upset and started saying "does she not remember me?", "I've never seen her like this before". I tried to explain to her that the baby was in bed before she got here and is crying because she's tired. I had to take the baby in the end as she was just inconsolable.

After she finally went home, we were left with a very unsettled, over tired baby who took hours to settle again. MIL sent a text about how "disappointed" she was with the visit and it's just pissed me off even more. Who the hell thinks it's acceptable to come to someone's house at close to 9pm to visit a newborn baby?!

Would IBU to say she cannot come here after a certain time?

Your husband is a dick and so is your MIL. The baby isn’t a toy for her to play with. I feel for you but also you need to stand up for yourself and your child.

Oh, MIL, what a kind thought. I know DH has felt a bit sidelined since baby was born. It will be lovely for the two of you to have an evening to catch up now baby’s down for the night.

Then retreat to bed yourself with a bottle of wine and leave them to it.

you have to protect your child! Why on earth did you not stop her from waking your baby?

Definitely. No visits after 5 pm. Why on earth did you get baby up?

Sorry you had a difficult night with your baby. Let DH deal with his mum.

Your h is the problem here. I hope that he settled the poor baby and has dealt with her if she's feeling crabby today. I suspect he says shit like she can get the baby out of bed because he doesn't know what it's like dealing with a frumpy baby.

Spineless dh, I would have left him to deal with screaming baby

Wow. First, murder your dh. When he comes home tonight, hand him baby and tell him you’re going to bed and since he supported waking the baby last night he can look after baby and clean up dinner.
nobody would ever wake my baby!! If anyone comes around and baby is asleep o say she’s asleep. End of story. If she wakes she wakes. Mine definitely absolutely don’t sleep all night so if Dh did this I would wake him up every time I got up at night until he promised that he didn’t wake babies.

Jesus Christ I can’t read any further than this.

Have you ‘fessed up to the murder of your MIL yet OP? If anyone had deliberately woken up my sleeping baby they would not have left my house alive.

And as for her message just reply yes baby should have been asleep, I agree we won’t wake baby up again. If you want to see baby you’ll have to visit before 6pm only.

please make sure your dh does a lot of baby settling this week. He should be anyway, he’s the baby’s father.

Ok - my advice (take or not, it's entirely up to you) would be to set an alarm at a time when your DH is deep asleep, and then wake your DH up. Tell him he needs to do something energetic (not sex!) at that time and stay awake throughout. Be in his face while he's doing it.

Basically, I'm saying do what his mother did with your child to him. See if he thinks it's acceptable. See if he 'gets' how your baby is not a performing doll and needs their sleep. He'd probably only need it happening once but sometimes, just sometimes, it needs spelling out to some blokes by actions rather than just words.

I would also reply to MiL saying "Yes, baby was already asleep when you phoned, and I don't have any issue with you seeing the baby but there is a well-known phrase that you never wake a sleeping baby - well that's why. Perhaps if you want to visit, between the hours of X and Y are when baby is awake and will be a lot more responsive to you. Give me a call before you swing by to make sure that we're in at those times as we sometimes take a walk to A or B or C to get some fresh air. All the best, banana1754."

:Reply ‘It’s because you came at a time that wasn’t suitable. Next time, let me know when you’re thinking of visiting and we can arrange a time when I know that you won’t be disrupting her evening routine.’
9pm to drop in on a new born! Some people need it spelling out.

My MIL was like this with our first baby... she would phone at random times of the day when she knew he was off on paternity leave. She would say "I'm in town today can I call round?" DH couldn't say no so she would expect all the stops to be pulled out even would think nothing of staying for lunch. She would be annoyed if another one of my friends or family would be there and eventually we decided to put in place a day and time for her to call and see us. The say she would call then was Friday at 5pm so the routine is dinner at 530, playtime and then bed around 7. She would often get teary around leaving time and tbh if we didn't have that routine in place she would sit to all hours. She used to sit to whenever she felt like so when our second came along in 2020 we just had to place a boundary and say "please wind things up by 7 as it takes longer to get 2 kids to bed". She wasn't happy about it but it makes family life easier as I would have been upstairs putting out 2nd to bed at 830 and she would be in the doorway chatting away while I was feeding him off to sleep. Then she would beep the horn upon leaving lol which really annoyed me. Anyway its better overall as we only see her when it suits us and dh works Mon to Fri 9-5 so he would be stressed and tired and needs wind down time at weekends. Unfortunately for her though my eldest calls her "Nanny Fridays" which she probably isn't pleased about either. We wouldn't mind a more casual visit day and time but it would have no definite end point and a meal and bedtime give us some structure. She also used to visit at random times when my first was a newborn and make quite allt of noise when the baby was sleeping in the bassinet. When my second was born he spent so much more of his naps in his cot upstairs so i lso learned the hard way. I feel for you I really do. But do as everyone says and place the boundaries now as you'll need your evenings and routine for your own mental health and for the emotional development of your baby. Hugs to you.

I think you (or DH) need to be way more assertive.

Baby or no baby, impromptu home visits after 8:30pm are anti-social IMO. With a baby, they are unacceptable and I would have no qualms in saying 'Ah sorry MIL we've just got baby down for the night and we're both shattered. Can we rearrange for another time?' At the very minimum I would be clear it's a short visit only and baby is not being woken up.

If she does that again go out and leave your husband with a crying baby to sort out.

You really need to learn how to say no and cope with her being upset. I can't imagine calling around at that time to a family with a newborn unless they had asked me to, even then I wouldn't expect to see the baby.

Had she been drinking?

Stealth boasting about a 10 week old sleeping through 🙄

You know she was unreasonable to pick your baby out of bed. The fact your baby sleeps through (for now) is totally irrelevant to the story.

Argue with your husband over this, and upset his mother. Speaking from experience of having a mother in law who wouldn’t listen and partner who would go along with what his mum wanted to keep the peace. I had to make it more uncomfortable for him to say no to me, than to say no to her to get him to back me up because what MIL wanted wasn’t best for my child.

Your hubby is barely mentioned in your post except a 'we' - you have a husband problem not a mother'n'law problem he should have told her no.
I don't get though how she woke up the baby.

Oh, get a grip. I wasn't boasting. I was saying it to highlight the fact that once the baby is put to bed, she doesn't wake up for the night, hence why it was so infuriating that MIL woke her up. If she was a baby that frequently woke up through the night, I probably wouldn't mind as much that she was woken up and she probably wouldn't have been as unsettled.

Your life would probably be a lot easier if you didn't find things to be offended about.

She woke the baby by lifting her out of her crib I think.
Why the babies parents would allow this is beyond me.

@Glitterspy You'll hate me. My DS slept through since a newborn and I'll shout it from the roof tops!

Just because you've had a bad sleeper don't take it out on OP.

The fact her child sleeps through is relevant because she got picked up out of bed and disturbed a routine..

This is a DH problem. He should have sat with her in the lounge and made a cup of tea and just said baby was asleep and to call by at * time with * notice in future. Not much either of you can do if she’s already set off on her journey and just turns up. But it’s absolutely bonkers that your DH insisted his DM takes priority over his own family.

There is just nothing to say to this is there. Half the time people make their own trouble.

Thank you!