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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to MIL coming over?

100 replies

banana1754 · 08/10/2022 17:20

Received a call from MIL last night at around 8:30pm saying she was on her way to visit. I was instantly pissed off because she had just dropped this on me and I just wanted a relaxing evening.

She arrived a short while after the phone call and woke up my 10 week old baby who had already had her bath and was asleep for the night (she sleeps through until 5am). The baby spent the whole entire time that MIL was here screaming as her sleep had been interrupted and MIL was trying to interact with her when all she wanted to do was sleep. MIL got upset and started saying "does she not remember me?", "I've never seen her like this before". I tried to explain to her that the baby was in bed before she got here and is crying because she's tired. I had to take the baby in the end as she was just inconsolable.

After she finally went home, we were left with a very unsettled, over tired baby who took hours to settle again. MIL sent a text about how "disappointed" she was with the visit and it's just pissed me off even more. Who the hell thinks it's acceptable to come to someone's house at close to 9pm to visit a newborn baby?!

Would IBU to say she cannot come here after a certain time?

OP posts:
GG1986 · 08/10/2022 17:48

I wouldn't let my mil or my own mother rock up at my house that late, your husband needs to tell her it's not a good time and if he is too much a pussy to tell her no, then you need to!

FlowerFleurFire · 08/10/2022 17:49

banana1754 · 08/10/2022 17:32

I didn't get the baby out of bed, she did. I took DH to one side to tell him to have a word with her but he seems to be of the opinion that she should be able to see the baby when she wants as she doesn't get to see her often due to living around an hour away.

Goodness, your husband is an idiot, his only excuse is, that he’s a new Dad. Everyone knows not to wake a sleeping baby.
MIL, also an idiot.

I may be a little grumpy, I admit, but I’m right

Workinghardeveryday · 08/10/2022 17:49

Mil: I am going to pop round in a bit as in the area

You: oh would love too, but just got baby down and will wake of visitors come, like last time. Are you free xyz to meet? Would love to see you then.

End of.

Be firm or this will be your life going forward…

Wishihadanalgorithm · 08/10/2022 17:50

Clear and firm boundaries from now on. If your DH lacks the courage to tell his mum no then you must. I would be telling him he needs to choose his new family’s well-being over what his mum wants.

I had a similar sort of thing and it ended up with ILs not seeing DD for a couple of months. It hurt them more than us and since they have learned they can’t call the shots things have been much better and I say we have a good relationship now.

nokidshere · 08/10/2022 17:52

Received a call from MIL last night at around 8:30pm saying she was on her way to visit. I was instantly pissed off because she had just dropped this on me and I just wanted a relaxing evening.

Why did you not say no?

2bazookas · 08/10/2022 17:52

Reply to MIL
"She was upset because she was woken up from deep sleep to see you. It would be more fun for her and you if you come during the day at a time when she's awake and perky. Phone me next time and I'll tell you the best time to come."

Afterfire · 08/10/2022 17:55

Workinghardeveryday · 08/10/2022 17:49

Mil: I am going to pop round in a bit as in the area

You: oh would love too, but just got baby down and will wake of visitors come, like last time. Are you free xyz to meet? Would love to see you then.

End of.

Be firm or this will be your life going forward…

Yep this.

Trying to be kind maybe she’s the type of mum who didn’t have any set bedtime / routines with her own children so maybe she didn’t realise it’s an issue but you / your dh have to be really firm otherwise she’ll keep doing it.

WingingItEveryDay7 · 08/10/2022 18:00

You and your DH need to nip this in the bud now! My MIL was exactly like this, entitled! She'd drop by at 9pm on her way home from somewhere and wondered why we didn't make her feel welcome 🤦‍♀️ She did the same with B&SIL before us.... She still hasn't figured out that if she wants to see her GC then she needs to contact us to find a suitable time for it...... But she doesn't drop by anymore!!

Whattheactualfcku · 08/10/2022 18:03

banana1754 · 08/10/2022 17:20

Received a call from MIL last night at around 8:30pm saying she was on her way to visit. I was instantly pissed off because she had just dropped this on me and I just wanted a relaxing evening.

She arrived a short while after the phone call and woke up my 10 week old baby who had already had her bath and was asleep for the night (she sleeps through until 5am). The baby spent the whole entire time that MIL was here screaming as her sleep had been interrupted and MIL was trying to interact with her when all she wanted to do was sleep. MIL got upset and started saying "does she not remember me?", "I've never seen her like this before". I tried to explain to her that the baby was in bed before she got here and is crying because she's tired. I had to take the baby in the end as she was just inconsolable.

After she finally went home, we were left with a very unsettled, over tired baby who took hours to settle again. MIL sent a text about how "disappointed" she was with the visit and it's just pissed me off even more. Who the hell thinks it's acceptable to come to someone's house at close to 9pm to visit a newborn baby?!

Would IBU to say she cannot come here after a certain time?

Why didn’t you say no? You have every right to say baby is asleep.
Also I’m very jealous your 10 week old sleeps better than my 4 year old!

Text and say ‘in future it would be best not to arrive when baby is asleep!’

Rowen32 · 08/10/2022 18:03

Why on earth did you let her into the bedroom? Absolutely no way in hell, I'd be blocking the door 😆😆

Skodacool · 08/10/2022 18:09

banana1754 · 08/10/2022 17:32

I didn't get the baby out of bed, she did. I took DH to one side to tell him to have a word with her but he seems to be of the opinion that she should be able to see the baby when she wants as she doesn't get to see her often due to living around an hour away.

It’s bad enough that she’s marched in and woken your 10 week old baby. It will get worse as baby gets older and might be more difficult to settle. You really need to make DH put a stop to this.

Ilady · 08/10/2022 18:19

Your mil is a selfish woman. One of my friends had a similar problem when her kids were younger. Her husbands side of the family would call around to visit. They always seemed to call in the evening not taking into consideration it was near a child's bed time or coming close to it. My friend had a routine that the younger kids went to bed around X time and her older child say an hour later. So then kids would end up staying late and getting very cross. They fall asleep on the couch and in both cases be tired the next day.

My friend had enough of this so one night she went down to her bedroom, got into her PJ's and dressing gown went back up to the sitting room and told them to go home as she was going to bed.
The same people were parents to kids but had no routine what so ever. My friend said that a good routine made things better for everyone and it gave her a chance to relax in the evening.

You need to tell your husband that his mother can call over during the day but not in the evenings. If he won't tell her this the next night she arrives over leave your husband with his mother and a screening baby because suddenly you have to call over to a friend's house to pick up something.

WindyKnickers · 08/10/2022 18:20

What? She marched in and took a newborn baby out of its cot and then complained that the visit wasn't much fun?

pepsirolla · 08/10/2022 18:21

Point out to your DH how he would feel if suddenly woken from a deep sleep for no other reason than someone else's demands. He needs to protect his baby and not allow this to happen again. You both need to politely but firmly advocate for your child.

Sh05 · 08/10/2022 18:24

Have you replied to her message?
If not then make it clear what the best time is for her to visit next time. And remind her to drop you a message the day before just in case you're not going to be in.
Gosh it's so frustrating when visiting family think it's open house when there's a newborn involved!

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 08/10/2022 18:26

banana1754 · 08/10/2022 17:32

I didn't get the baby out of bed, she did. I took DH to one side to tell him to have a word with her but he seems to be of the opinion that she should be able to see the baby when she wants as she doesn't get to see her often due to living around an hour away.

Ask him why MIL wants are more important than DD’s needs.

MeridianB · 08/10/2022 18:30

You have a DH problem as well as a MIL problem.

She invited herself round at 9pm, picked your sleeping baby out of her bed and then sent a message saying it was a disappointing visit because the baby cried? And your DH thinks this is all fine as she lives an hour away. 🤬

Op, please tell them both this is not on. Set and enforce firm boundaries with them both. Your DH needs to learn that it’s more important to keep you and his tiny baby happy than his pushy mother!

TellTheWolves · 08/10/2022 18:32

You didn’t tell her no. You didn’t stop her waking the baby. You didn’t ask her to leave

🤷🏾‍♀️

Dguu6u · 08/10/2022 18:38

If she phones again that late, just say no, then unplug the doorbell and don't answer the door in case she shows up anyway. No way she should have been there that late and you should have stopped her from picking up your daughter, poor kid.

AdviceOnLife · 08/10/2022 18:43

My Mil used to do this. Always 8.00 she would want to visit baby bang on thier bedtime.
Baby would be kept up way past their bedtime and I would be left to deal with him. He would alway be unsettled through the night as he had cried so much before he went to sleep. DH kept saying its fine he is only a baby he doesn't need a strict bedtime.
Funny enough, the time I expressed enough milk and left DH to deal with baby after his mother's visit and throughout the night, suddenly his routine was fundamental and he immediately text them the next day and created time with them with no prompt for me.
It might be wroth a try for leaving him to deal with the aftermath of a visit and see if he then has a different opinion?

diddl · 08/10/2022 18:44

I'm guessing that it wasn't left to your husband to settle the baby.

Your baby isn't a toy for MIL to play with as & when she pleases!

Your husband is ridiculous.

1FootInTheRave · 08/10/2022 18:48

The calling around wouldn't bother me. The disturbing of the baby would. Very unfair of her.

UWhatNow · 08/10/2022 18:50

diddl · 08/10/2022 18:44

I'm guessing that it wasn't left to your husband to settle the baby.

Your baby isn't a toy for MIL to play with as & when she pleases!

Your husband is ridiculous.

Exactly - I would’ve given the baby to him to settle and then see if he welcomes his mother with open arms next time. Let HIM bear the consequences.

Furnitureflipper · 08/10/2022 18:54

Tell her you're tired and go to bed early.

Brigante9 · 08/10/2022 18:56

So your Dh didn’t care that the baby cried and had his sleep ruined? He’d rather have you AND the baby upset than upset his mother?! That’s really poor of him. 😢