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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AMA. Apparently I'm "scary" and impossible to deal with.

75 replies

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 13:43

I've been unwell and very stressed. Some very big things have happened in my life. I'm from an awful background. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not as on the ball as the next person in line. Trying to do anything while having a huge panic attack is pretty hard.

Myself and my partner live in a shit hole property that costs loads and is run by an absentee landlord who has just informed us that the rent is going to be put up. We have nightmare neighbors who bully everyone but have zeroed in on me because they've twigged that I'm not well. I don't tell people that but it's obvious now.

I deal with all their bullshit. I pay the rent. And the bills. And the food costs, and everything else. This is why the rent increase probably annoys me more than it does DP. There is better property to rent for less money a few meters away.

If I act like I'm crazy it's because I often feel like I must be.

Yesterday I said that this situation is getting silly now. DP's response was to make a list of jobs for me to do. These jobs are "in case" we move. I asked what he would do and he said I was "so nasty". I was just asking. Then he threw a huge strop because I wouldn't go to the pub with him (and pay, of course).

I'm arranging therapy but it's not starting today, more's the pity. Right now he's clumping around huffing and making snide remarks about how horrible I am. He keeps insisting that people are afraid of me.

I've told him that I'm going one way or another and he can please himself.

Aibu is known for being a harsh place so you tell me - am I nasty and crazy?

OP posts:

KTheGrey · 08/10/2022 13:45

No more than anybody would be with Mr Huffy. He doesn't sound like a delight himself.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 08/10/2022 13:49

I clicked on this because it sounds like what my ex used to say to me. Having read the OP, my suspicions are confirmed.

Ignore everything he says and make your plans - hopefully you'll get free of him and find you're a much happier person when you're not tied to an arsehole.

Original poster

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 13:56

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Hopefully you're right. It's awful to feel like you're some sort of monster when you're just being as normal as you can be.

OP posts:

Abitofalark · 08/10/2022 14:02

You have a lot on your plate and are doing more than your share by the sound of it. Not a monster at all. But you need support from somewhere and not to blame yourself.

Why are you paying the bills and the rent and not your partner? Maybe you need to think about that and about how you might change your situation / get him to step up and pull his weight or uncouple yourself from him.

SoyMarina · 08/10/2022 14:04

Ask him why he is living with you if he feels that way about you.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/10/2022 14:05

No but he sounds like an absolute dick. I think a lot of problems would get better if you left him. Does he actually improve your life in any way? It sounds like he is a financial and emotional drain on you

Montague22 · 08/10/2022 14:05

If he's stomping around leave.
Go for a walk or drive. Get a drive through coffee and sit and drink it.
You need to find moments of calm headspace.

How intertwined are your finances?

Original poster

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 14:12

@Abitofalark I've discussed things with him calmly so many times and he says all the right things but never follows through. On that basis I've just realised there's no point talking to him and that apparently makes me really horrible.

He's on a low wage in a business venture. I don't say "you must earn more" or anything, just that we need to arrange our lives according to what's coming in. Then he tells me that he'll work more hours and I'm unkind.

OP posts:

Original poster

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 14:13

@SoyMarina I think I should.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 14:17

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 13:56

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Hopefully you're right. It's awful to feel like you're some sort of monster when you're just being as normal as you can be.

Be around people you don't have to 'try' to be normal with. His abusive behaviour is his fault, and would drive anybody bananas. The only thing you're doing that doesn't make sense is staying with him.

Do you feel crazy or get called crazy around/with/by anybody else? If not, it's clear where the toxin is.

I remember the moment I realised what was going on: 'There's nothing wrong with me except my partner.' Might be the applicable for you too?

Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 14:17

*Might be applicable

Original poster

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 14:22

@Montague22 He would be sunk financially without me, let alone practically. He would not see it that way though. We're not married and don't have a joint account or anything like that.

I don't mind being the earner and I'm not controlling about it. Even he agrees with that. Still at the same time he seems to want to live in this fantasy land where he's one move away from earning loads and he won't deal with the day to day practical stuff of what's actually going on.

OP posts:

phishy · 08/10/2022 14:25

Why are you with this gaslighting twat?

You seem to have a sensible head on your shoulders, so why can’t you see him for what he is? A cocklodger.

Original poster

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 14:26

@Watchkeys I think it might, I'll have a think about that.

I feel crazy around my family. I'm now NC but they insist I'm crazy and always have, so sometimes when the numbers mount up you can wonder.

OP posts:

Isseywith3witchycats · 08/10/2022 14:30

if this was me i would enquire about getting the other house in your name only as your not married then give him the option to move in with you or not that way you would have the power being the tenant and have more money for yourself if the rent is cheaper and less stressed living in a better house

phishy · 08/10/2022 14:36

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 14:26

@Watchkeys I think it might, I'll have a think about that.

I feel crazy around my family. I'm now NC but they insist I'm crazy and always have, so sometimes when the numbers mount up you can wonder.

Women who speak up have been called crazy for millennia. It’s gas lighting.

Unfortunately your family life has made you vulnerable to another gaslighter (your partner).

He is one more person I’d be going NC with.

OriginalUsername2 · 08/10/2022 14:36

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 14:26

@Watchkeys I think it might, I'll have a think about that.

I feel crazy around my family. I'm now NC but they insist I'm crazy and always have, so sometimes when the numbers mount up you can wonder.

Maybe you’re the one who’s reasonable and you’re surrounded by toxic people who don’t like you pointing anything out?

What specifically do they say makes you “crazy”? (Bit outdated in 2022!)

Original poster

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 14:38

@Isseywith3witchycats That's my plan. I thought that was fair because it gives him a choice. I also think he doesn't realise that we're paying more for a heck of a lot less for seemingly no reason. Actually seeing the difference might make that apparent.

Just the way you said all that makes so much sense and when I try to make sense to him I hear back that I'm awful and trying to leave him. I can't see the logic in paying this extra money. It's already very overpriced based on what else is available.

OP posts:

Rubiesue · 08/10/2022 14:39

Op leave. You have done nothing wrong, in fact you’ve tried to do so much right. Do not have kids with this guy. I know it can be scary leaving (I’ve done it) but it’s so much better. Good luck! I’m glad people are voting in your favour.

pinkyredrose · 08/10/2022 14:40

dingcatt · 08/10/2022 14:22

@Montague22 He would be sunk financially without me, let alone practically. He would not see it that way though. We're not married and don't have a joint account or anything like that.

So fucking what, let him go on benefits. I'd dump the bloke and the house, they both sound like millstone's round your neck.

BMW6 · 08/10/2022 14:42

It's not you, it's him. You are being used and he's always going to be one deal away from the big time.

Get away as quickly as you can.

PrincessScarlett · 08/10/2022 14:44

Sounds like he's being financially abusive as well if he's expecting you to pay for him. I think you will find your mental health improves without him in your life chipping away at you.

Abitofalark · 08/10/2022 14:45

If he is low earning, that's fair enough - my sister worked and supported her husband while he was working and studying for qualifications - but in that case he should be supporting you in practical and emotional ways and have something about him that looks to paying more in the future.

He doesn't seem to be offering much at all at a time when you need support in your life. With posting on here you have made a first step which should help to lift you in how you see and feel about yourself and give you a different perspective, which is great but you also could do with continuous support in person from someone in your life, whether a family or a good friend to boost your morale so you don't get down on yourself.

Is there anything in your neighbourhood like a women's group or a voluntary organisation that provides befriending to women under stress or with specific neurological or mental or emotional health worries? Usually your local council will have a volunteer hub or information about local groups and services.

Hibernationsetting · 08/10/2022 14:47

Do you mean for this to be an “ask me anything”? It might be worth asking MN to edit the title?

Rubiesue · 08/10/2022 14:47

OriginalUsername2 · 08/10/2022 14:36

Maybe you’re the one who’s reasonable and you’re surrounded by toxic people who don’t like you pointing anything out?

What specifically do they say makes you “crazy”? (Bit outdated in 2022!)

Show quote history

Yep op, often we move towards the people we feel most comfortable with. Unfortunately, if we’ve had an abusive childhood/toxic family, we move towards those people. This is what I reckon you’ve done! Look at the overwhelming support for you on here, off a cross section of society that don’t know you and who you haven’t sought out in person… funnily enough, my long term first boyfriend was an absolute narcissist, as was his mum. Guess what, a mental health nurse observing my mum told me she probably has narcissistic personality disorder. So you see, I had all these horribly toxic people around me. Kept thinking it was me, not them.

it’s them.

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