AMA. Apparently I'm "scary" and impossible to deal with.

[dingcatt]

I've been unwell and very stressed. Some very big things have happened in my life. I'm from an awful background. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not as on the ball as the next person in line. Trying to do anything while having a huge panic attack is pretty hard.

Myself and my partner live in a shit hole property that costs loads and is run by an absentee landlord who has just informed us that the rent is going to be put up. We have nightmare neighbors who bully everyone but have zeroed in on me because they've twigged that I'm not well. I don't tell people that but it's obvious now.

I deal with all their bullshit. I pay the rent. And the bills. And the food costs, and everything else. This is why the rent increase probably annoys me more than it does DP. There is better property to rent for less money a few meters away.

If I act like I'm crazy it's because I often feel like I must be.

Yesterday I said that this situation is getting silly now. DP's response was to make a list of jobs for me to do. These jobs are "in case" we move. I asked what he would do and he said I was "so nasty". I was just asking. Then he threw a huge strop because I wouldn't go to the pub with him (and pay, of course).

I'm arranging therapy but it's not starting today, more's the pity. Right now he's clumping around huffing and making snide remarks about how horrible I am. He keeps insisting that people are afraid of me.

I've told him that I'm going one way or another and he can please himself.

Aibu is known for being a harsh place so you tell me - am I nasty and crazy?

I wish I knew what to say for the light to come on for you. You're not at all crazy, but you will gradually doubt yourself more and more. The fact you are questioning is good though.

Moving is a good first step. Agree absolutely don't have him on the tenancy. How do you think you will manage that? He might not like it. It's really important though.

If somebody has never been called crazy before, and then someone makes that accusation, it seems very obvious that the accuser is wrong. But if someone has been brought up on being called crazy, then the accuser seems to make complete sense and fit in with the views of 'many others'.

Notice how nothing in this scenario has any bearing on whether the accused is actually crazy or not. It really doesn't matter. People thought Einstein was crazy. Michelangelo. Every genius you can think of. Most discoverers of most things. Someone (or some people) thinking you're crazy is just that: the thoughts of some people.

As a quick yes or no question, you, sitting alone, having a think about yourself and the way you operate within the world at large: Do you think you're crazy? If you do, go to the doctor. If you don't, discard people who tell you that you are. By saying it, they are marking themselves as 'not your people' and 'not healthy for you to be around'.

In short, it's them, not you. You know you're not crazy.

@OriginalUsername2 Hi, sorry if that's an offensive word, it's just what I've always been called.

I get very panicky and stress currently affects me more than it should. I don't like that but until I get my life more in order I can only do so much to stop it. All I do when that happens is try and carry on with what I have to do and explain to someone if I need to that it's a panic attack.

The things I say range from trying to discuss finances and life plans to how I've assembled furniture. I'm trying to arrange a better rate for some savings right now. He just walks up to me when I'm on the phone and starts going "this is stupid, you don't know what you're doing". I assembled some furniture and he just kept repeating "you're wrong" (I wasn't). It sounds small but over time and from a certain background you can wonder if your mind is with you or not.

Also like a pp, I opened this thread since I too had been called “scary” by my toxic mother.

Great for keeping me down and twisting the truth (she is horrifically scary!). This alone is toxic language.

Unless you know you really are scary - eg emotionally or physically violent. But if that was you, you really wouldn’t be asking for others to judge the situation. You’d know you’d overstepped the mark.

Or if you didn’t know you’d overstepped the mark, because you were say a psychopath, then you really wouldn’t care whether you were perceived as scary, and therefore again unlikely to post this thread!

I think you sound great and wish I knew you. I like a person who can sense bullshit and tell it straight. Which you have done here.

Regarding "scary" etc - I used to get this from a long-term boyfriend who was only in it for the sex and used the term to reel a confused me back in whenever there was nobody else on the table/bed. It's short-hand for "no-one but me would ever put up with you". Thank goodness you have got more sense than that foolish person I was, and recognise it.

@Montague22 Thank you, I think it will be a really good thing to do. He won't care about the tenancy. I think he'll probably stay here to be honest.

Try and get the other house - in your name only.

Move without the cocklodger. I bet you'll find life is suddenly so much lighter and your mood improves.

It sounds small

No it doesn't. It's like having your self esteem filed away, layer by miniscule layer. Bloody horrible. You'll be a lot less panicky and prone to bouts of stress if you get rid of him. Partly because he won't be around anymore, but also because it'll make you realise that you're in charge of what stressors you want around you, and you can remove what you don't like in your life.

Couldn't have worded it better myself!

This with massive bells on.

Oh and op, my mother also called me crazy. God, run now. Or soon. I wish I Hadn’t put up with her crap for so long. But it was pre-internet, and I didn’t discuss the toxicity with others, and I didn’t even know it was possible to remove myself from my (dominant, toxic) mother.

Poor you having had a toxic family — you may think this is all you deserve, or maybe it “feels right”.

It’s not. Life is short. There are much nicer men out there, when the time is right. (I’m with one now!) But for now, Get out. You are not responsible for him. He won’t change. Look after yourself.

Oh believe me, I understand you! I’ve been there.

You’re body is in a constant state of anxiety for a reason. Because you’re not in a healthy situation 💐

Start journaling to get your thoughts straight (online journal with password!) I found it very helpful to jot out a timeline of my life and start from there. Start observing the behaviour of people around you and you’ll see patterns.

You’re surrounded by abusers.

I would also begin reading around domestic abuse. Just little and often as you can manage. It might help reframe your thoughts. Women's Aid are great, have a look at their Survivor's Handbook.

You sound smart and resourceful but have unfortunately been around a variety of toxic people. family, shitty neighbors, cocklodging bf

Wash your hands of the lot of them.
Look for place you really like and can afford.

Imagine the peace you'll have without the neighbours, the bf, and everyone else's crap 2 pence worth.

Get away from this lazy good for nothing. You can do it because you're already dealing with all life admin.
My DH can be a bit of a dick about stuff. He had s bit of a go last week about something i'd got wrong last year and because I wasn't well I shouted at him "when you've got time you must tell me what it's like to be perfect and never make a fucking mistake". He looked at me like I was mad and blustered a bit about not meaning anything by it. But I explained very slowly he may not have meant anything but I felt he was calling me stupid and keeping count of mistakes. Fuck that for a game. He did apologise so we'll see.

@Watchkeys I don't think I'm crazy, no. I think I'm unhappy and dealing with too much for me personally to cope with. I'm sure I'm no ray of sunshine right now but it's normal to find stress stressful. My DP keeps telling me I need to be on medication and to stop being ashamed of it. I wouldn't be. I just don't see it that way. I think it's my situation that's the problem.

OP he’s not a DP, he’s a mill stone. Get rid

@dingcatt no you are not crazy or nasty or mad

you are a person dealing with a heap of shit.
give yourself a break don’t listen to the gaslighting DP

This is great. Have faith in your own mind, then. You're not crazy, and you think your situation is what's causing you the problems. You are an adult, and therefore responsible for making sure that you live your life in situations that are healthy for you. Are you going to change your situation, in light of all that?

Anxiety and over reactions come from trying to silence what we really feel. People who listen to, respond to, and respect how they feel don't get anxious. They do what they need to do, when they need to do it, so nothing builds up and gets explosive. Why do you silence your feelings? I guess your family didn't respect them when you were growing up, so you learned that they're not worth respecting. Does that sound about right?

Your feelings aren't pesky annoyances to be pushed aside: they are signposts. Follow them. Listen to them. Be sympathetic to them. Try to understand them. Spend time focussing on them. This is your life. Everything is about you. Everything in it should feel right to you, and if it doesn't, it's up to you to oust it. Life design! Do it well and you'll be happy. Neglect it and you'll be anxious and depressed, and sometimes probably a bit scary, even to yourself.

Onwards! You are in control.

You sound to me like a resourceful and motivated person but are being crushed and squeezed by the burden that's been heaped upon you by life and circumstances. Panic attacks come upon you when that inner burden reaches a point that you are breaking apart inside.

You can get help for them and while you await professional therapy and a better life set up, there are self help techniques you can learn for managing the stress and the inner panic. There's a famous book called Self Help for Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes which has never gone out of print and which by the miracle of the internet you can even read online and Paul McKenna is also good on simple techniques that are easy to learn and practise.

I very rarely say "LTB", - but LTB.

If there's cheaper nicer places to rent then start viewing them and make plans to move. You need to get away from the toxic neighbours and bullies. Don't wait for him to discuss it, just do it. You'll feel so much better for being proactive. I've been in the same situation with neighbours and it's awful. If he wants to come with you and you want him to fine but think you need to sort yourself out and leave him behind. He's not doing you any favours. I bet your mood and stress will improve massively without him

Oh OP, its time to leave. No more asking. Since you can afford to leave by yourself just do it. And don't take him with you.

My health is bad. I realised this year that most of my bad health is caused by DH. His actions and words make me anxious, causing depression, which all adds to stress. I have an autoimmune condition thats made worse by stress. If I remove the cause of it all, I wonder how ill would I actually be?? I think if you remove your cause you might be a lot better too.

Absolutely.

Your MH will be much improved when you move elsewhere, alone OP

Your P sounds like a millstone around your neck, dragging you down all the time. He sounds incredibly thick and negative. He is a parasite, living off your money and feeding off any any positive energy you have, telling you you are nasty, wrong and crazy when you won't dance to his tune. Op, he will bleed you dry of everything until you are a husk, that's what parasites do. You need to get away from this horrible ungrateful, bullying male and move into a new home on your own, it's your only chance at a decent life.