AMA. Apparently I'm "scary" and impossible to deal with.

[dingcatt]

I've been unwell and very stressed. Some very big things have happened in my life. I'm from an awful background. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not as on the ball as the next person in line. Trying to do anything while having a huge panic attack is pretty hard.

Myself and my partner live in a shit hole property that costs loads and is run by an absentee landlord who has just informed us that the rent is going to be put up. We have nightmare neighbors who bully everyone but have zeroed in on me because they've twigged that I'm not well. I don't tell people that but it's obvious now.

I deal with all their bullshit. I pay the rent. And the bills. And the food costs, and everything else. This is why the rent increase probably annoys me more than it does DP. There is better property to rent for less money a few meters away.

If I act like I'm crazy it's because I often feel like I must be.

Yesterday I said that this situation is getting silly now. DP's response was to make a list of jobs for me to do. These jobs are "in case" we move. I asked what he would do and he said I was "so nasty". I was just asking. Then he threw a huge strop because I wouldn't go to the pub with him (and pay, of course).

I'm arranging therapy but it's not starting today, more's the pity. Right now he's clumping around huffing and making snide remarks about how horrible I am. He keeps insisting that people are afraid of me.

I've told him that I'm going one way or another and he can please himself.

Aibu is known for being a harsh place so you tell me - am I nasty and crazy?

@Rubiesue Sorry to hear you experienced that. My mother insists that I'm a very scary person! As a previous poster said though, that's never been borne out in terms of what my life is like. When you're young and you love and trust your family you're so vulnerable. You never think someone's going to use that against you. The thing is, I'm sure she does think I'm scary, because she fears the truth and I've sometimes told her what that is.

It's terrible though, to basically try to convince someone they're bad in some way. It's not even saying you've done something wrong or said something wrong, but that there's something wrong with you.

I have sometimes wondered if I'm a psychopath or something like that, but apparently if you ask the question then you're not.

My mother actually admitted she'd tried to make me lose my mind. She said once you sow that seed you don't need to do anything else, the person will do it to themselves. This kind of feels like that, like if I'm not careful I'll destroy myself.

I think you need to read between the lines.

He feels the prospect of moving is scary, he doesnt want to take practical or emotional responsibility for it. You are "crazy" because you believe that you are competent to do things that he is not capable of, and if he is not capable of them then they must be impossible.

In response you are questioning your judgement, because you are supposed to be the scared one, with anxiety and panic attacks, yet here you are contemplating things that your partner is declaring impossible.

How did you come to rent the shithole flat? Was it an emergency move, is that why he might be feeling particularly scared?

Sorry, so do I understand this correctly? You're the breadwinner, you pay all the bills, sort all the house stuff, buy all the food, arrange all the things, try to make life better, all while battling with illness.

He contributes virtually nothing, criticises you, responds to your valid concerns by giving you a list of jobs to do, expects you to accompany him to the pub on demand and pay for his drinks.

And you're coming on here to ask what precisely?

Because, really, what possible motivation could this man have for making you believe that you're so worthless that you couldn't survive without him? I mean, what could he possibly be losing if you went away and took your earning power, regular income, (I'm going to guess cleaning products) and life planning skills with you...?

Hm. It's a head scratcher.

@Hibernationsetting I'm glad it's not just me who was confused, I thought this too! Was waiting for the AMA bit to appear...

He's a cocklodger.

Leave him,leave the dodgy slumlord,leave the neighbours.

Find yourself a place to live in just your name away in another part of the area or another area if that's what you want.Life is to short to be this unhappy.

I didn't know what AMA meant! Wonder if the poster meant to type AIBU.

This kind of feels like that, like if I'm not careful I'll destroy myself

Does everyone make you feel like this, or just the no contact family members, and this guy? I mean, when you go to the shop or into town, or meet a friend, do you come away thinking you might destroy yourself, or do you feel a bit better, and then feel shit when you're back in his company again?

Make sure he never has to deal with you. ie Run. xx

Please say no children involved in this situation?

Get your own place. In a nicer area , smaller maybe but cheaper as you won't be supporting this that. Amazing how less " crazy " you will become.

Read and re read ^^^ (and maybe a 3rd time!)

Then think about the fact that you by the sounds of it have a knack for telling people things about themselves they really don't want to hear. If you also don't sugar coat it, then they have two choices: deal with it which means being honest and non manipulative, or declare you 'crazy.'

Sadly most will go for the later.

(PS I'm from a shit background and lots of people don't like the idea that messed up as I and it might be, doesn't make me incapable or inferior to them. It's a thing.)

He sounds entitled, incapable, with superiority complex, cock-lodger to me, but if this pillock has loads of redeeming qualities you're just not mentioning, then move to the new place without him and suggest he tries re-dating you and you both getting to know each other again from scratch, but absolutely no chance of him living with you until he's able to pay his own way fairly and has proved himself an asset worth having in your life. (Can pretty much tell you how that will go.)

@Firstruleofsoupover Bless you, careful what you wish for though, I'm a right bore bag! I suppose that's part of the issue here. If I try and have a simple conversation about savings or finances he flies off the handle and talks about going out on the town or why I'm mean. He makes out like I go on and on and on when I don't think I do. Tonight is obviously Saturday night and I'm getting the silent treatment because he wants to go out and I don't.

I'm not stopping him going. There's money for him to use. I don't keep tabs on it. But I'm here with my plants and the (little bit of) sunshine and my work and I don't want bars or pubs. I really can't be arsed. We went out 3 nights this week, until very late. To me, that's more than enough. He doesn't agree.

No matter how nicely I try to say "well, go out then" I just get told that I'm nasty.

I'm sorry you went through that with your boyfriend. Some people are like that and it sucks. Believe me, I've made my share of mistakes with crap people - and apparently continue to do so.

I don't know if this will be any help to you (or if you need help) but my first therapist started to get through to me about my family by saying "what happened today?" It was through that I started to see that I'd done as well as I could, and someone else had done something wrong. It's all very well for a person to barge in and announce that life isn't good enough but if they don't and haven't done better to fix that then you're not the one in the wrong.

Just because someone says to you ‘you’re nasty’ doesn’t mean they believe it.

For years my STBXH objected to my tone of voice, saying he couldn’t help but see red. It took my therapist to point out that by objecting to the tone of voice I used, he was deflecting from what I actually said. What I actually said was perfectly reasonable - you left the door unlocked overnight, you forgot to tell me something etc etc. but by accusing me of using a disrespectful tone to him, he deflected the conversation to me trying to explain that I was using a perfectly normal tone of voice.

Your DP is doing the same to you. Everytime you say something that he doesn’t agree with or doesn’t want to admit to : your nasty. It’s a head fuck every time.

AMA is Ask Me Anything and usually means a no-holds barred type of post where posters can ask anything really without fear of offending the poster. Obviously that would be wholly inappropriate here, having read the full post!!

There has been some really fascinating AMA posts in the past which is why I clicked onto this one.

I think maybe she meant AIBU too.

So, you're the breadwinner, you carry all the mental load, all the practical, everyday tasks load, and you pay for all the entertainment (nights out, etc.)

What exactly does your partner do?! If I were in his shoes, I'd be so grateful for your amazing support as I start a business venture, I'd be taking on most of the mental and practical load - including researching better, cheaper accommodation.

He sounds like child, tbh, expecting you to organize and facilitate his life while he plays. I'd move if I were you and he can decide whether to step up and be an adult partner or get left behind.

@Cailleachian I think he is very scared of change but honestly this hasn't happened overnight. This is where the frustration comes from because it's not the first conversation and to me he says one thing and does another.

The flat is a shit hole because the land lord doesn't do anything (never has) with it and it's an old property. DP says himself it was awful when he moved in. He says himself that aspects of the property are not safe. We're not allowed to do things. A while ago there was a huge issue (not decorative) and the plumber had to cancel on me because the LL wouldn't approve the work. I'm not Mrs. Bucket or anything but it is silly now. He lived here before and I moved in after. The plan was always to move. However now the price keeps going up and the property keeps degrading.

It's in my nature to jump before I'm pushed. It's in his to bunker down. There's homes a street away much nicer and cheaper than this. I want to go. He'd just keep paying more and more to stay here. So we're stuck.

@Elleherd That is pretty much my plan. Sorry about your background, it makes things so much harder. The thing is, my DP is from a shite background too and there's a part of me that doesn't want to leave him to suffer the effects of that, but I'm struggling myself now.

You're not stuck because you can just leave and start again, alone! You're in a much better position financially (than him) to make it happen, so do it.

I bet your mental health struggles will improve massively once you haven't got cocklodger extraordinaire in your ear telling you how "nasty" you are whilst giving you lists of chores that he can't be bothered to get off his arse and do himself.

"You're nasty/moody/unhinged" is a common refrain from people who want to shut down what you're saying because it doesn't suit their own selfish agenda.

@dingcatt

Please - just move. You are worth so much more than this.

You obviously care deeply for him - so offer him the chance of coming with you. If he decides to stay where he is, that tells you everything you need to know.

@Emotionalsupportviper I do care a lot about him, although I am very frustrated. I just think that this situation is now nonsensical. It's like me saying to you, do you want this battered in tin of diet coke for £5 or a nice one from the shop over there for £2? And then you say the £2 one. And then we talk about it for years and years while still buying the battered in £5 one.

It's not the situation, it's the decision making over such a long time frame.

Great name by the way.

His flat is not a 'do er upper' and neither is he.

If I change your statement to: there's a part of me that doesn't want to leave him to suffer the effects of that on his own, does it help you rethink at all? Because he's going to either suffer the effects on his own or with whatever woman he replaces you with, because he wants it all.

For what ever reasons he's using you badly and neither wishes to acknowledge nor change it and you can't rescue him from that, because he has no interest in creating a better life, just being handed one centered around his needs and wants only and that includes you not being more competant than him, and you are.

Trust me, I've clawed my way up and out through layers of both nice enough and nasty people like that, learning that most of them were either staying were they were or headed downwards. Life gets better when you don't feel obliged to try to carry them with you against their wishes.

Just move ahead with a new flat, OP, he clearly finds change difficult so you’ll have to instigate it.

And he needs a kick in the pants re. taking on the mental load, he’s not a child anymore and you’re not his Mum.

Does he have any good points? You need to get away from him by the sound of it

@dingcatt you said “My mother actually admitted she'd tried to make me lose my mind. She said once you sow that seed you don't need to do anything else, the person will do it to themselves.” My heart really goes out to you.

later you said, “I don’t think I’m a psychopath”. No, you really are not. You sound incredibly caring. You’ve been manipulated and mistreated by those you love, starting with your bloody mother, and continued by your (hopefully soon ex) P.

Get out, start afresh. Just you. You sound so lovely, kind, able, competent.

You’ve had such a lot of emotional shit hurled at you. No wonder you’re confused. I mean, we all think that if enough people say something, it must be true, especially if said by people close to us who are supposed to love/care about us - right? No!!

I open mardy threads now and again where the belligerent poster is defending their position. You are doing anything but. Throughout you’ve been trying to understand your P, assess what you’ve done. you’ve not actually done anything wrong! I’m sure you are only human and therefore can be annoying at times (we all are!!!) but on the big things, you’re supporting him, working hard, trying to do things kindly and well. You go out, and you choose to stay in sometimes — that’s your right!

let him find someone else to go on all night drinking sessions, five times a week, let him live hand to mouth. Or maybe he’ll step up once he realises he has to. How vile of him to suggest you need medication!!

You build your own life. How old are you OP, if I can ask? I was 32 when I left my loser boyfriend. It was scary. One of the best things I ever did! Make a plan. Leave.

Oh and ps, he won’t change while you keep the status quo. I know you care about him and worry about him. I was the same.

My ex actually apologised to me later. Acknowledged he’d treated me badly. Said he went to a lot of therapy. Said he worked on becoming a nicer person.

He’s now also married to someone with whom he appears to have a great relationship. (He found her online, after filing in a questionnaire — whereas we met at uni. And, personality wise, she is very different from me, very quiet!, so perhaps he and I were never actually compatible!) But bottom line, I did us both a favour… I shudder to think of being my age and still being with him, constant anxiety etc.