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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it ridiculous how only now is my opinion received without being accused of jealousy

54 replies

HelloBambinos · 08/10/2022 09:23

After seeing a thread regarding the ideal gender of your DC and people's perception it got me thinking.

Why am I suddenly allowed an opinion just because I've now had a daughter...My opinion has never changed and I feel strongly about it so why is it seen differently now despite my previous protests.

I have two wonderful sons (aged 7&4) and of course people just loved saying the whole "Oh I'm (as in them) lucky because I have both genders" even through pregnancy and when my youngest son was first born I got "Oh how disappointing" and "I feel sorry for you but it's not your fault you had a second son, some are just more lucky than others" Seriously!? This caused a lot of upset and felt like people were trying to force gender disappointment on me. These comments were made by many different people so not just a one off, it was constant and became exhausting. I've always been very much of the mindset that I adored my boys, loved having two sons and felt incredibly lucky. We were ecstatic, my husband always wanted a brother and it was amazing but people never believed I could possibly be happy about it...they just gave that pitying look like I was just trying to put on a brave face and even said as much "Well you HAVE to say that" like I was inferior and just making the best of it. It frustrated the hell out of me and still does. I accepted their subjective perception of luck but somehow I wasn't allowed to be happy or consider myself lucky!? It's not about caring what they think, it was more exhausting and something I definitely could have done without especially as I was suffering with HG throughout the entire pregnancy. I could never even have an opinion that I felt lucky and was happy with my boys without being shut down and met with "Oh you're just saying that because you're jealous" and "You just don't understand because you aren't as lucky to have both genders" It was just crazy talk.

However, all of a sudden, now I had my daughter 7 months ago I suddenly am allowed to have that opinion without having nasty digs being made at me and being called jealous. Now it's suddenly obvious that each child and situation is different and feeling 'lucky' is subjective. Now my boys being close in age is understood as my version of 'lucky' and that's okay...now...Why is it only now i'm believed when I've stated I feel very lucky that I have my wonderful boys close in age all along!? Of course I love my daughter beyond belief as well but it's the whole response to myself feeling lucky about my boys that has suddenly changed... ridiculous.

Has anyone else experienced this? I just find it very odd how people react now when I say that as opposed to how they did prior to my daughter's birth.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 08/10/2022 09:26

I have 2 DSs close in age and then a DD and I never experienced what you did at all.

tenbob · 08/10/2022 09:29

I have 2 DS and have never had a single negative comment about it

Maybe you need new friends?

Original poster
HelloBambinos · 08/10/2022 09:30

SoupDragon · 08/10/2022 09:26

I have 2 DSs close in age and then a DD and I never experienced what you did at all.

I'm glad you didn't. Nobody should. Im glad not all people are of that mindset as it really wasn't fun. Perhaps people are just strange where I live 🤣

OP posts:
MrsGhastlyCrumb · 08/10/2022 09:31

Never had anything like said to me by anyone- I have 2 daughters. Mainly got batshittery along the lines of 'girls are like this and boys are like that', none of which ever applied to mine...

GNR2022 · 08/10/2022 09:32

Who on earth are these people saying things like that to you???

Original poster
HelloBambinos · 08/10/2022 09:33

tenbob · 08/10/2022 09:29

I have 2 DS and have never had a single negative comment about it

Maybe you need new friends?

And family...and coworkers...I sorted the last part out. In my profession I do experience this and support women through this sort of thing and GD in general quite a lot.

OP posts:
HighlandPony · 08/10/2022 09:39

Because as a woman we’re supposed to be all “girls are wonderful an lovely and nice etc etc etc and aren’t boys a handful” because that’s how most women see the world but actually there’s plenty women out there who don’t mind the handful, who like the mess and the shite jokes and fart noises and general chaos but can’t stand the overly emotional huff that comes with girls. Have zero interest in celeb culture or fashion or YouTube sodding makeup tutorials.

I’d have had ten boys if I could. Really hoping my lass will be a mini me and like the boys.

catandcoffee · 08/10/2022 09:44

2 Boys here close in age....never ever had this either.

woff45 · 08/10/2022 09:49

Another boy mum with no idea what you're talking about. I only hear about this kind of stuff on MN, never experienced it in real life.

Original poster
HelloBambinos · 08/10/2022 09:52

HighlandPony · 08/10/2022 09:39

Because as a woman we’re supposed to be all “girls are wonderful an lovely and nice etc etc etc and aren’t boys a handful” because that’s how most women see the world but actually there’s plenty women out there who don’t mind the handful, who like the mess and the shite jokes and fart noises and general chaos but can’t stand the overly emotional huff that comes with girls. Have zero interest in celeb culture or fashion or YouTube sodding makeup tutorials.

I’d have had ten boys if I could. Really hoping my lass will be a mini me and like the boys.

Ahh yes I agree and am on the same page as you. Always been a tomboy and as you said would have had 10 boys if I could. That's not to say DD isn't loved just the same it was just the constant digs I found frustrating... thankfully it's not as common as i thought as GD for some is a real issue and something I provide support for, these comments would definitely make it a whole lot worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloBambinos · 08/10/2022 09:56

woff45 · 08/10/2022 09:49

Another boy mum with no idea what you're talking about. I only hear about this kind of stuff on MN, never experienced it in real life.

Same here in respect to only believing this was an online sort of thing that's said...until I was pregnant with my youngest son then wow! I honestly thought I was in some alternative universe and for it to continue even throughout studying for the qualification to do the job I am now doing and during the job itself at times I was just dumbfounded by the ridiculousness of it all. I would hate and do hate to hear of others experiencing anything like it.

OP posts:
ParentallyUnprepared · 08/10/2022 10:04

I've got two boys. No negative comments. Not even one "are you going to try again for a girl?"

I love having two boys. I'm everyone's favourite.

CrystalCoco · 08/10/2022 10:07

Some people will just always chat sh*t.

Who cares what their opinion is, you do you and feel whatever way you want, it's not up to them to decide how you're feeling.

You can't stop rubbish coming out of people's mouths, but you can decide how you let it affect you - or not.

AngelinaFibres · 08/10/2022 10:10

HelloBambinos · 08/10/2022 09:30

I'm glad you didn't. Nobody should. Im glad not all people are of that mindset as it really wasn't fun. Perhaps people are just strange where I live 🤣

Show quote history

I live in a farming community. Farms still pass on to the son, the daughter marries out. Times are changing but the birth of a son is a definite plus. I had a son and then another son. No negative comments here

autumnboys · 08/10/2022 10:14

We have three boys and I had the odd pitying comment when they were little to which I always said earnestly ‘it’s much simpler administratively speaking’ which people didn’t understand, so they would change the topic. Sorry you’ve had so many rude comments though, people can be very strange.

Sahara123 · 08/10/2022 10:14

I have 3 girls . No one ever commented. I’m vaguely curious to know what having a son would be like but not enough to go for another baby!

DowntonCrabby · 08/10/2022 10:16

You either need better friends or to stop chatting to dicks on the school run.

ImAvingOops · 08/10/2022 10:18

I had it. I had 3 boys and then a daughter. So many people assumed we were trying for a girl, or questioned why we would want a 4th child until discovering we were expecting a girl and then suddenly decided we were entirely reasonable after all!
It was mad because I genuinely expected to have a 4th son and would never try to get pregnant in order to have the opposite sex to what I already had. I just wanted the baby that I was having, whatever it happened to be. But no one believe me.
I used to get quite upset for my sons because people would say these things in front of them, as if they weren't enough. My children (all of them) were an utter joy to me.

Idyllicidealist · 08/10/2022 10:22

I had one of each so obviously according to everyone was lucky.
However I am confident enough not to have cared what others said, it really doesn't affect me.
They're both my dc who just happen to be different sexes.

pattihews · 08/10/2022 10:23

You don't have both genders. You have children of both sexes. Sex, sex, sex, sex — not gender.

eldora · 08/10/2022 10:24
Confused

I think you’ve extrapolated one or two comments into ‘people’ making constant comments.

Largely no one gives a shit about how or what kind of babies other people pop out.

MouseTheDog · 08/10/2022 10:25

HighlandPony · 08/10/2022 09:39

Because as a woman we’re supposed to be all “girls are wonderful an lovely and nice etc etc etc and aren’t boys a handful” because that’s how most women see the world but actually there’s plenty women out there who don’t mind the handful, who like the mess and the shite jokes and fart noises and general chaos but can’t stand the overly emotional huff that comes with girls. Have zero interest in celeb culture or fashion or YouTube sodding makeup tutorials.

I’d have had ten boys if I could. Really hoping my lass will be a mini me and like the boys.

Did you mean to sound so misogynistic? I find this attitude really shocking.

35965a · 08/10/2022 10:27

eldora · 08/10/2022 10:24

Confused

I think you’ve extrapolated one or two comments into ‘people’ making constant comments.

Largely no one gives a shit about how or what kind of babies other people pop out.

True ^
Nobody actually cares.

DysmalRadius · 08/10/2022 10:30

HighlandPony · 08/10/2022 09:39

Because as a woman we’re supposed to be all “girls are wonderful an lovely and nice etc etc etc and aren’t boys a handful” because that’s how most women see the world but actually there’s plenty women out there who don’t mind the handful, who like the mess and the shite jokes and fart noises and general chaos but can’t stand the overly emotional huff that comes with girls. Have zero interest in celeb culture or fashion or YouTube sodding makeup tutorials.

I’d have had ten boys if I could. Really hoping my lass will be a mini me and like the boys.

I think you are part of the problem...

CheezePleeze · 08/10/2022 10:31

HelloBambinos · 08/10/2022 09:33

And family...and coworkers...I sorted the last part out. In my profession I do experience this and support women through this sort of thing and GD in general quite a lot.

Show quote history

In which profession is it ok to have no idea that sex and gender are completely different things? Confused