To find it ridiculous how only now is my opinion received without being accused of jealousy

[HelloBambinos]

After seeing a thread regarding the ideal gender of your DC and people's perception it got me thinking.

Why am I suddenly allowed an opinion just because I've now had a daughter...My opinion has never changed and I feel strongly about it so why is it seen differently now despite my previous protests.

I have two wonderful sons (aged 7&4) and of course people just loved saying the whole "Oh I'm (as in them) lucky because I have both genders" even through pregnancy and when my youngest son was first born I got "Oh how disappointing" and "I feel sorry for you but it's not your fault you had a second son, some are just more lucky than others" Seriously!? This caused a lot of upset and felt like people were trying to force gender disappointment on me. These comments were made by many different people so not just a one off, it was constant and became exhausting. I've always been very much of the mindset that I adored my boys, loved having two sons and felt incredibly lucky. We were ecstatic, my husband always wanted a brother and it was amazing but people never believed I could possibly be happy about it...they just gave that pitying look like I was just trying to put on a brave face and even said as much "Well you HAVE to say that" like I was inferior and just making the best of it. It frustrated the hell out of me and still does. I accepted their subjective perception of luck but somehow I wasn't allowed to be happy or consider myself lucky!? It's not about caring what they think, it was more exhausting and something I definitely could have done without especially as I was suffering with HG throughout the entire pregnancy. I could never even have an opinion that I felt lucky and was happy with my boys without being shut down and met with "Oh you're just saying that because you're jealous" and "You just don't understand because you aren't as lucky to have both genders" It was just crazy talk.

However, all of a sudden, now I had my daughter 7 months ago I suddenly am allowed to have that opinion without having nasty digs being made at me and being called jealous. Now it's suddenly obvious that each child and situation is different and feeling 'lucky' is subjective. Now my boys being close in age is understood as my version of 'lucky' and that's okay...now...Why is it only now i'm believed when I've stated I feel very lucky that I have my wonderful boys close in age all along!? Of course I love my daughter beyond belief as well but it's the whole response to myself feeling lucky about my boys that has suddenly changed... ridiculous.

Has anyone else experienced this? I just find it very odd how people react now when I say that as opposed to how they did prior to my daughter's birth.

It's breathtaking isn't it?

God forbid her daughter should fart or tell shite jokes, or that her boys should be emotional.

I have a sil we are NC with. She had 3 girls and kept going because she wanted a boy. She got one and they are all in their 40s now.
He is such a spoilt, horrible person the very definition of a golden child and I feel sorry for her girls who have always been sidelined because of him.
I have a dd and 2 ds. I did get comments when I had my third "ooh didn't think you'd bother now you've got both" no we wanted another. I didn't bother explaining I just ignored the comments.

I have 2 boys - but they are in their thirties now. I do remember a few comments about it being a shame the second wasn't a girl although not as many as the OP seems to have had. They tended to be from neighbours, colleagues - people I didn't know very well.

There were one or two older family members too, one of whom was put out I didn't have a girl first because didn't everyone in our family? He must have forgotten that he was older than his sister. 🙄

I guess I was hoping times had changed.

This is exactly why the whole situation upsets me..I've seen it time and time again where people keep going until they finally get DS or DD and then treat the others differently and they are so desperate for it because of how gender roles are perceived when in fact they could be completely the opposite..poor kids

I’ve got two boys and I’ve also never had a single negative comment - what odd people you know that would make such a comment to you!
Before I had my children I didn’t mind what I had, but did have a hope that I would have two of the same as everyone I knew growing up who had a sibling of the same sex got on with them pretty well, while brothers and sisters always used to fight like cat and dog. Again, only my experience (I’m an only child), and I figured I would do my best with whatever I was lucky enough to have.

I think people always have something to say about how many children you have, which sexes and in which order and how big the age gaps are.

Unless you have one boy followed by one girl with an age gap of 2-3 years.

Frequently the comments are rude or unwelcome. When people tell me about the number and sex of kids they have I say Oh how lovely 😊

Oh I'm (as in them) lucky because I have both genders

Said nobody ever. 'Oh you have both genders'

I will eat my proverbial hat if anybody ever uttered them words.

Just to point out I'm using the term genders to highlight it's the gender stereotypes the people who spoke to me were 'bragging?' about and saying how because they have the girly girl and rough and tumble boy they are lucky to experience both genders I know the difference between sex and gender but I don't feel they are saying it to brag about the ratio of penis and vaginas in their household, also GD that I help ladies with is because of gender stereotypes they feel they are missing out on. Both my boys followed the typical gender norms but I felt lucky for that..but wouldn't have cared either way because I know sex doesn't mean a certain gender stereotype but for some reason these people making comments clearly do think that way..hence them saying "I'm lucky because I have both genders"

Yes @Snog that would have definitely been the preferred response from people and one I always say when being informed of which sex their baby is.

Both my boys followed the typical gender norms but I felt lucky for that..but wouldn't have cared either way because I know sex doesn't mean a certain gender stereotype

Do you realise how unhinged this sounds, OP? In the same breath you’re saying you feel lucky your sons followed typical gender norms and also that you don’t care about it. Your posts makes no sense.

the people who spoke to me were 'bragging?' about and saying how because they have the girly girl and rough and tumble boy they are lucky to experience both genders

The people you know are loons. I don’t know anyone who talks like this.

Glad to know it's not just me who's totally baffled.

i find it very unlikely you received these comments at the volume you say you did!

I know the word gender isn't new but it's only really become an overused word in the last few years so I find it odd that so many people have been commenting to you about the 'gender' of your children.
I thought it's over use was very very recent, I've never known people to mix up sex and gender as much as you claim to have experienced.

I also had a lot of these comments about going for a girl with my second and then people who said things like that they were hoping I got a girl for the third. Now we have three boys I get asked if we'll try again for a girl. I was definitely disappointed to have a second boy at first as I'd internalised that view that one of each was best but realised I didn't know why I thought that other than people repeatedly saying it to me. Yet another symptom of internalised misogyny...

Your friends sound really odd op.

Yeah, my mother despised me for being a girl as well.

It was pretty shit, really. And at the same time, fortunate, in that it was long enough ago that she couldn't put me on puberty blockers and tell everybody I was really a boy.

Well I have a DD and 4 Ds's and my DD certainly doesn't bring "emotional huff". All my DS's are very different too. I can't stand girl bashing.

I find it ridiculous that you think anyone should care about your opinion on the 'ideal' sex of a child in the first place, regardless of how many kids you have and the sex they are.

I had 2 sons first (then a DD) and I definitely got those comments and I know many who did too from being on certain forums. People really should keep any comments about sex of babies to themselves, either way, whether mum is happy or wanting two of same gender or whether she’s upset about it. Comments don’t help at all

When I had my 2nd DD my MIL said I should swap with my brother who had 2 boys. Then when I was pg with no 3 so many people said I bet you hope it's a boy. Er no, happy to have another baby. I did have a boy then fell pg with no 4 which sadly wasn't to be only to be told by the same people to be grateful for the 3 I have.

Yes! This happened to my DH & I. We have 3DS and 1DD. After DS2, lots of "oh never mind" comments....so of course when I got pregnant with DS3, the inevitable "trying for a girl then?" Was really fed up with it and DH and I agreed we would find out what sex baby was so we could do a sort of preemptive strike. Used to tell people who commented that actually we had been trying for a puppy but obviously got it wrong which pretty much shut down the conversation!
I always assumed if we were going to try for number 3, it would be another boy & wasn't at all surprised when he was. DC4 was a 'surprise' bonus & I was genuinely shocked we had a girl. It didn't stop the comments though as we would then get "Oh you got your girl in the end then! Suppose you will stop now??" Honestly if it wasn't totally batshit crazy to have another just to spite people, (& we had unlimited funds/time/energy 😂) I would have gone again!!

Unhinged? 🤣 Okay...if you say so...I am glad my boys follow the 'boy' gender norms as I always followed that myself aka I was a tomboy and hated anything girly so it just meant I don't go crazy talking about the stereotyped 'boy' topics as we have a lot of similar Interests, that's not to say I wouldn't make just as much effort and probably come to like other things but of course it's easier to enjoy things you know you have an interest in. Sex doesn't matter because being a girl or a boy doesn't put you in a box to say you can't do certain things because that's 'girly' or 'boyish' and I'm an example of that. It was the people commenting who were closed minded to somehow think that because I'm a woman I must desire the gender norms of a girl when that's not true at all..I like the fact my son's follow 'boy' gender norms irrespective of their sex. So yes. Sex doesn't matter to me but I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy the fact that they like all the things I did when I was young which are (rightly or wrongly) generally associated with boy norms.

Ha yes I've used the 'puppy' line a few times and also would happily have had a 3rd boy and used to answer back with that when people made the comment "Oh bet you're hoping for a girl" just to see the look of confusion on their face as though they couldn't comprehend how I could possibly not want a girl after two boys 🤦‍♀️. Our DD was actually a surprise baby but of course people liked to assume we were desperately trying for a girl...how does one exactly try for a girl? Even though it's not nice to put up with these ridiculous comments I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. I didn't even realise it was a thing until I was pregnant with my youngest son...could just imagine if DD ended up being twin boys ...heaven forbid 🤣🤦‍♀️

It's funny how people's perception suddenly changes from "I bet you're hoping for a certain sex to just being grateful regardless once you happen to have both sexes) Sorry to hear about your loss ❤️

Same here. My brother was treated very differently by my father, the last part of what you said about puberty blockers etc is a real concern this day and age...I'd like to think a parent wouldn't go that far but realistically these sorts of things do happen.

I have one of each and never in a million years would I ever dream of telling someone with all girls or all boys I am luckier than them! I have two wonderful children and for that i know I am lucky, their sex is neither here nor there. Would these toxic people bang on to childless people about how sorry they feel for them and how lucky they are to have children? Some people are just horrible.