Boyfriend out all night

[spacexdragon]

Dropped him off about 6pm, said i'd come get him since taxis are expensive and he's out like 30min away.
We had a baby 9 weeks ago, and this is the first he's been out. He's now apparently staying with his friend, i can't help but feel a bit bitter and upset that i'm just being left to it at home with the baby? when do i get to go out all night?
for context, i moved down to be with him cause his job, i don't have any family or friends here so he's the only person i have at the moment.

When do you get a night out? When you tell him you're having one. Then it's his turn to hold the baby... but sadly we have to accept it's never as easy for us mums to just pop out and then stay out all night!

This is totally normal. The mum of the baby always ends up 'holding the baby.' Did you not know this before you decided to have a baby? People love to cry 'equal opportunities' and claim men are much more hands-on these days, but the fact is that it's incredibly common for women to be left with the children while the daddy fucks off out with his mates regularly.

Better get used to it.

Arrange a night out? do you have work colleagues?

This is only normal if your bloke is a knob.

If it's a monthly occurrence then it's not OK but if it's now and again then fair enough. I wouldn't be happy with him out all night tho.

That’s rubbish. If it’s his first night out you probably haven’t set expectations around this. Lots of people say, ‘well I’ll do the same next week’ and are happy with it. Others agree that while the baby is small these all nighters aren’t ok.
There’s not much you can do about this one but when he’s home and sobered up, you need a chat about making sure you both get a social life and the support at home that you need.

i'm on maternity leave at the moment, moved away from home (about 5hrs), have no family or friends here at all.

Do you trust him? Why is he suddenly staying at his mates now? Seems a bit odd to me.

Well a LOT of womens blokes on here are 'knobs' them, because this type of thread pops up on here daily. Like it or not the mother of the baby IS the one left 'holding the baby,' while daddy fucks off and does his own thing. Very common, whether you choose to believe it or not.

Just not really a nice thing to say to a mum with a tiny baby with no friends or family around seeking some advice really is it.

Might be common, but it's not right and the OP deserves better.

I also refuse to believe that selfish men don't raise red flags well before the women get pregnant though. Only OP knows whether he is generally selfish or if this is just a one off.

Aside from this night out is he usually a hands-on parent and does his share around the house?

As long as he’s doing the above then I would guess the difficulties for you are coming from feeling a bit lonely/isolated at the moment. Are there groups you can join to help you make friends in the local area?

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps absolute Shite!!

OP go out whenever you want to go out, no need to be a martyr about it.

for reference I have an 11month old, I go out every 3ish months, and usually stroll in around 3/4am. There’s no long lies, it’s up and into mum mode but it feels great at the time!

Not absolute shite.

HTH.

But it is true.

HTH.

What sort of night out would you like OP? Would you invite family or friends over to yours or make the 5hr journey to visit them?

It sounds like you are a bit stuck and disconnected from your social group now, at a time when you need support. Is your DP helpful and supportive (when he's not being a bit of a nob)?

@PatientlyWaiting21
"OP go out whenever you want to go out, no need to be a martyr about it. "

Would love to, i'm on my own here - my circle consists of me, baby and partner.
Been to mum and baby groups but the kids are a bit older so i don't really know what to do with myself, the mums are already an established group. I tried to chat to them but they didn't really make much conversation and they were a little older than me so it felt a bit forced. i am trying to meet people to go out with.

If he has a nine week old baby with you he definitely shouldn’t be staying out how old is he? If this continues move back to where your family and friends are that way you can have a life.. And some support ..and if he doesn’t like it he can move up there with you And if he doesn’t want to then there’s your answer -he’s not for you

Instead of mum and baby groups could you find a group for a hobby that you’re interested in and join that while your partner is with the baby?

But it's the truth. Majority of men do not want children. If left to men the human race would die out!

i've only been here for 6 weeks, in that time i've just been trying to get used to a new place. mum and baby were recommended to me by the health visitor - not had much opportunity to scope out other stuff as yet.

INFO:
a couple people have asked if he's hands on etc. he usually is. he'll make us lunch, dinner if i don't feel up to it and helps around the house if i ask (i'm a bit particular about how i like the house so i tend to do the cleaning myself and get him to do certain things like hoover).
however 2 nights ago we had a massive argument because i asked him to change her nappy. i was falling asleep and knackered when she started to fuss, so i asked if he would change her then pass her to me to feed while i came to and he refused (he only changed 1 nappy that day) saying i was being lazy and it descended in to a huge argument. this was totally out of the blue and not at all how he had been previously. i felt really shitty after that. since then he's only really interested in cuddles or trying to settle her if she cries, not sure what the problem is.

That's horrible op I'd be raging and a bit gutted if my dh did that. I'm pregnant at the minute and can't imagine being left overnight at no notice like that. Can you just text him and say you'd prefer he came home? I can't see any reason why he can't go out for a night out and then come back to his own house afterwards seems a bit immature to think he can just go stay out all night with mates when you've just had a baby. When he's back and sober you need to sit him down and explain the effect this had on you and agree boundaries going forward that you're both happy with. You've sacrificed a lot coming this far and are probably still recovering from birth and all that goes with it never mind adjusting to live with a newborn so you're perfectly within your rights to hold him to account. I know a lot of other posters are saying that's just how it is and to expect that but I think you set your stall out now and don't take that nonsense from him otherwise he'll think it's fine to do it again. Yes women are normally the ones left holding the baby, but not this woman and not this baby. He needs to grow up and recognise his responsibilities and that's on him to do, not on you.

Have your own night "off"

i'm on maternity leave at the moment, moved away from home (about 5hrs), have no family or friends here at all.

Instead of your own night out I'd book yourself into a nice spa hotel, order room service, full nights sleep, long lie and nice cooked breakfast.
I'd have preferred that to a night out followed by a hangover when I had a 9 week old anyway.

Christ did you sleep through the 20th century?

How long have you been together?