Boyfriend out all night

[spacexdragon]

Dropped him off about 6pm, said i'd come get him since taxis are expensive and he's out like 30min away.
We had a baby 9 weeks ago, and this is the first he's been out. He's now apparently staying with his friend, i can't help but feel a bit bitter and upset that i'm just being left to it at home with the baby? when do i get to go out all night?
for context, i moved down to be with him cause his job, i don't have any family or friends here so he's the only person i have at the moment.

Sign up to some baby classes, use the peanut app and make some mums friends.

Your bf is being a dick BTW and your not being unreasonable with a 9 week old baby!

just over a year

That was a quick move and a quick baby. I hope it works out, but you may not know each other terribly well given that time frame.

we knew each other before then. we've been "together" for over a year.

So in the space of a year, you’ve met, moved in together and had a baby. That’s fast. And you sound very young. I get that you feel lonely or left out but seriously…it’s one night. If he were doing this every weekend I’d say it was a problem but an occasional night out? Normal.

But this is MN so of course we’ve already got people telling you to end the relationship and move 5 hours away so that your daughter won’t see her father very often all because of a night out.

Ah right, apologies then. I too got together with someone I'd known as a friend for years pre that, so get that. But if you've only been 'together' a bit with a new baby, maybe he just doesn't realise what it involves..I'd be cross too, you need to have a conversation about the support you need from him with a 9 week old, he may not realise that you have very little alone time and would like to go out too, best of luck. Try meet up for friends aube if the baby classes aren't working? You could do walks with the baby in a sling. Or coffees with joint hobbies. Just a thought.

Big hugs OP, life is HARD with a newborn for even the strongest and longlasting relationships. It can amplify the smallest arguments and make them feel like the end of the world.
If DP is generally good to both you and LO, it's ok to let him have his night with his friends (and let him give into his likely hungover state tomorrow). Try and arrange a night out with friends from back home if you can, so you're able to have some time for yourself to look forward to. Or see if there are any local mums in a similar position on peanut/ Facebook. 💐

You do sound quite young, not a criticism I had my DD at 25. If that's the case, you probably both still crave going out.

So, for the staying out all night, I get it. I would speak to him calmly about how you feel, maybe he just doesnt quite understand he has to consider how his behaviour impacts you as a family now. Hopefully that resonates with him...

However, the calling you lazy because you wanted help in the night - I've got no time for that. You both made the baby, you're both parents, he should step up when you're tired. I have so many friends whose partners decamped to a spare room when their children were babies. I'd have cheerfully smothered my DH if he had left me to it at night like that.

It does sound tough not to have a support network though. Keep trying the baby groups it may take a while to make connections. I really hope you meet someone you click with soon

Where abouts are you OP, I'll take you out for a few jars, he can sort himself out!

In all seriousness though, this phase puts a strain on even the strongest of relationships. Have a good chat with him when he's sobre and sensible again, lay it all out, be honest even if it hurts. If he's otherwise been good up until this argument he might be struggling too and just not know what to do with it. He's behaving like a dillweed but lots of men do at this point, it's a weird phase where baby needs mum much more than dad and dad's can end up spiraling into this sort of weird behaviour. It's common, sadly.

You need to try and come together here. You and him VS the problem, not you VS him.

This is going to sound quite random as Ia not religious at all, and nor is my sister, but she is still very involved in her church community and has made loads of friends of different ages, might that be a possibility? I find it odd, but she is single and has a peripatetic lifestyle as a musician, and it works for her. Basically you need to build a community if you are living there, and she would say they are welcoming, and not all old!

@spacexdragon sirry to hear, those mum groups can be brutal! Do you have any hobbies? Walking, running, book club, fitness classes etc you could start to join?

I could be wrong here but you sound fairly young - I don't really see how you can "know someone before" when they live 5 hours away. Fact is all this has moved really fast with a bloke you barely know. Whilst @WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps reply was brutal it was actually broadly true. You either tell Him his behaviour isn't acceptable or just live with it. Either way this doesn't sound like a relationship that will stay the course sorry OP

i am fairly young. "fact is"we both met in the forces while training - lots of moving around and meeting lots of people. he's absolutely not "a bloke i barely know". ask the questions before jumping to conclusions.

I couldn't help but feel annoyed if I was in the same situation. However if this is his first night put since the baby has been born , I think I wouldn't probably make much of a big deal about it.

Your first mistake was having a baby with someone you’ve only been with for 1 year. Your second mistake was moving away from your family and friends. It doesn’t sound like he takes on childcare or household tasks without being nagged. Without the support (loneliness) I don’t think this relationship will last long and if it does then resentment will rise.

If you were in the forces I imagine you're fairly tough but I think you need to have a serious discussion on what you expect of him and vice versa.
On the surface I'd have no problem with a night out staying at his mates. The bit where he refused you help and called you lazy is awful. It's tough for everyone with a newborn but must be extra difficult when your friends and family are so far away and the only one you have to rely on is being a dick.
Mum groups can be very cliquey but try others. There's usually a lot of different ones. Church groups can be (mum's and tots, messy play and normal services) a great cheap source of support. I'm not religious at all but have been surprised at how many friends attend, the added bonus being a place in the local church school.

i commented earlier as people keep thinking i've only known him a year, we met before then. i also commented earlier about me being quite particular about the house. but if i ask him to do something he will, i don't have to nag him at all. i ask him respectfully as i would expect to be asked if it was the other way around.

I’m gonna say it’s normal for dad to want some time to be him without being dad and going out is absolutely normal although I wouldn’t be as happy if it was all night- but it sounds like this isn’t an every week occurrence.

HOWEVER you also need to be given your own time where you don’t need to be mum either and can be yourself. Whether that’s going to the gym, getting your nails done, having your hair done, going for a walk somewhere alone, or going to sit in Costa with a coffee and a book! Whatever you fancy!

I actually think a very key part of being a parent is being able to also still have a little time to yourself as well.

Really normal for there to be tensions once a baby comes along, especially once the first few weeks of joy are replaced with exhaustion - you're working out your new roles as a family rather than a couple. It's like a bomb going off in a relationship. Sometimes the fact you've not been together for donkeys years previously can be an advantage - there's not years and years 'just the two of you' to untangle. Communication is the key. When you're both not knackered/ hungover just try to have a rational chat about how you'd like it to be/ what your issues are - listen to each other, be honest and respectful and I'm sure you'll find a way through. Try not to be a martyr or do everything yourself.. there in lies resentment! If you're both committed to each other and to raising your child together then you'll be ok. Good luck OP.

I think I'd be a bit annoyed too. If he had said in advance Im going to stay at a mates or I might stay at a mates it would have been fine. I think you need to have a chat with him about your expectations.
I think it must be really hard for you being basically alone. You're doing the right thing going to baby and toddler groups. Try a few more, where there might be mum's with younger babies. Locally I had a baby massage for babies up to 6 months and the library had a bounce a rhyme session which was for all ages but definitely seemed to have more smaller babies. I'm really rubbish at starting conversations with people but would love it if people approached and talked to me. Also don't worry about being younger, I've got friends much older and younger than me, you have children in common. I hope you find some fellow mum friends too.

Suspect he's staying at mates for a break and lie in. That's not fair. You're both in it together

At 9 weeks, you're having a tough time with a newborn. You need to lay down some rules and set expectations

You need support snd need to work as a team. It's fine for him to have a night out but he needs to get back early enough and sober enough to help in the morning

Well in all honesty I would prefer not having to load the baby in the car and drive to pick him up in the middle of the night. He's also told you so you know you can go to sleep.

I feel like things like this feel worse then they are in the early days of having a baby when it's not as easy for a mother, especially if she's breastfeeding, to leave the baby.

I don't think the fact that you don't have any friends in the area is a good enough reason to feel pissed off. You should both be encouraging eachother to have a balanced, happy life.

Truth!!! The sooner women realise this the better.

I hardly knew my husband at all before having kids. It wasnt ideal, but over 16 years in we are still going strong. And we were both very young having a baby. I actually think if you are unselfish it can be better to have them young and build a life together.

Not having been together long before kids is not always a recipe for disaster, although I'm not saying it's definitely advisable. I just don't want the OP panicking.

Knowing someone and being with someone are completely different things. People have known my ex for years and think he’s a great guy (and so did I) but behind closed doors as a couple, he was completely different.

You were only together a few months before you became pregnant, you moved to be convenient for him, you have left all you know and need at one of the hardest and most vulnerable times in your life.

Is he showing you and your DC are a priority? Does he show he is a good attentive father (and a big part of that is how he treats you)? I think you will either stay with him and put up with this continuing behaviour or it will end and you’ll have to make the choice to stay in an area you don’t know or move back to your family.