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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend forgetting birthday..

51 replies

Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 21:57

would you be upset?

I forgot a friends birthday a couple of years ago - at some point during the panic - can’t really remember what stage as it’s all mashed together.

i think it was her 41st - might have been her 40th but I don’t think so.

we’d been friends for about four years.

anyway apparently tshe had a meltdown about it. I was texting her anyway on the day and realised I’d forgotten it so had a present delivered.

im just wondering if other people would have a melt down about it.

the context for why I ask is I ended the friendship a few months ago and I bumped into her last week and she went a bit batshit at me. There’s a whole other story about why the friendship ended - and I’m by no means blameless.

but I’m just thinking in retrospect re whether the birthday meltdown was a bit of a hint of things to come.

we had done presents and lunch etc for birthdays before.

my own personal view if a friend forgot would be that I wouldn’t be fussed.

just interested to see what other people think really.

soni guess the AIBU is is it unreasonable to get upset if a friend forgets your birthday when you’re in your 40s?

OP posts:
Shiningstarr · 07/10/2022 21:58

If it was a good friend, yes I would be really annoyed and I'd feel let down.

She can't have been that good a friend if you forgot her birthday.

DelurkingAJ · 07/10/2022 22:00

I honestly have no idea when my friends’ birthdays are if I met them as adults and no, I don’t expect any acknowledgement from them. And I love them all dearly and they seem very fond of me!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 07/10/2022 22:02

You're not really very good friends are you, if you forgot her birthday, and you can't even remember how old she is? Confused

Dacadactyl · 07/10/2022 22:02

It would depend. For instance, if she had a baby and toddler, I wouldn't mind cos I know what that's like. I'm not going to be her priority and I wouldn't expect to be.

I am shit at remembering birthdays at the best of times and my birthday isn't a big deal to me either.

Original poster
Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 22:03

@Shiningstarr the only peoples who’s birthdays is remember without it being written down are my nieces and nephew, sister etc and my friends from high school.

with new adult friends I’d have to specifically diarise it etc. which I hadn’t done in this case for whatever reason. And cause it was Covid we obvs hadn’t talked about having lunch or meeting up etc.

OP posts:
Sage396 · 07/10/2022 22:05

I forgot about a good friend's birthday during the pandemic. There was whole stretches of lockdown where I had no idea what month it was nevermind date. Friends have forgotten mine before - I just shrug it off.

Itsnotallblackandwhite · 07/10/2022 22:05

She's BU OP. You obviously didn't forget completely as you sent a gift to her and if it was during lockdown it would have been difficult to meet up for lunch? She sounds very high maintenance. (Her name doesn't begin with S does it?)

Original poster
Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 22:05

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps Well I think for me her specific age and a birthday in your 40s is just not a big deal in an adult friendship.

thats why I’m interested to know other peoples views

it wouldn’t occur to me to be upset if smoke one forgot mine

OP posts:
oopsfellover · 07/10/2022 22:06

I like birthdays, but wouldn't have a meltdown if one of my friends forgot - it happens, that's life.

bluepolo123 · 07/10/2022 22:09

I was upset when my friend forgot my birthday (her being the only friend that I would ordinarily exchange gifts with) but I certainly didn’t have a meltdown about it! In fact I didn’t say anything for a little while and then told her, explaining that I had felt a bit upset at the time but it was water under the bridge now. She evidently felt a bit mortified, & then we moved on- no drama.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 07/10/2022 22:09

It doesn't really matter whether you, I, or the woman next door would be upset. Your friend was.

Wombat27A · 07/10/2022 22:11

I'm apt to forget birthdays, even close relatives. It's a quirk of how my brain works & it's not connected to how much I care about the person.

I can't whinge if people forget mine as a result. What goes around, comes around.

Original poster
Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 22:12

Apparently she had a big crying outburst

i mean it was COVID so Everton was om edge

but as said she did go barshit at me when I bumped into her and told me that our friendship ending was the worst thing that had ever happened to her and I realized we had very different ideas about the friendship.

and in retrospect her birthday reaction kinda stood out at me

to be clear it’s not that I don’t do anything for friends birthdays as a steadfast rule - I’ve got another friend I put a lot of thought into sending presents to who’ve I’ve been friend with for about the same time. For which she’s very grateful. But I also know she wouldn’t go batshit if i forgot.

im not really sure why I’ve been thinking about it today. But I have been…

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/10/2022 22:13

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 07/10/2022 22:02

You're not really very good friends are you, if you forgot her birthday, and you can't even remember how old she is? Confused

I'm not bang on sure of a couple of my dearest friends that I am only close to for 20 years.

I am unsure of their exact ages.

We wouldn't dream of being upset...I just don't get that dynamic at all.

Never had it in my life nor heard of it as and adult 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 22:14

@DanielRicciardosSmile well but someone’s else’s reaction to something we do (or don’t do）is not the determinant of whether what we did was good/bad/neutral

OP posts:
Original poster
Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 22:15

I forgot my own age the other day for context 🤷‍♀️

was out by a year. Disappointed to do the maths later I. The day.

OP posts:
Jessibeth · 07/10/2022 22:16

Friends remembering my birthday matters a lot to me. I’m good at stuff like that, and rightly or wrongly, I hope that other people remember mine too. I get really wounded if people don’t remember it..it’s just the way I am. It’s a day when you hope people will make you feel special and show you that they care.

Original poster
Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 22:19

@Jessibeth interesting - so you think it demonstrates that people care?

see for me there is very little correlation between caring about someone and remembering their birthday

OP posts:
Original poster
Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 22:20

And to be clear it works the other way - I’m not that fussed if they don’t remember

OP posts:
Itsnotallblackandwhite · 07/10/2022 22:22

I honestly don't think I'd mind if people forgot my birthday (probably because I'm bad at remembering other people's birthdays and only know a few family & friends birthdays off by heart). In fact I have a very close friend who nearly always forgets my birthday and it's fine. Maybe being older is a factor, I want to forget how old I am myself! 😁

Jessibeth · 07/10/2022 22:27

@Hindsightin I think it’s partly genetic and/or learned behaviour! My mum is exactly the same! She’ll know whose birthday is coming up each month and she genuinely looks forward to going out and choosing a card and if it’s someone she buys for, she’ll be thinking for a while about what to get them. I’m the same. It irritates me about myself as I know that I put far too much thought into other people…

Itsbeenabadday · 07/10/2022 22:28

I think it's nice when friends and family remember my birthday but it doesn't bother me when people don't tbh I certainly wouldn't judge a friend harshly for forgetting it. It must mean different things for different people. Sounds like your friends' tantrums arena bit on the childish side to me. If that kind of behaviour isn't for you then good you've ended the friendship. Some people love drama...I'm not one of those people. A good mantra I live by in life is...'I only respond to love and respect '.

FiveMins · 07/10/2022 22:31

It was my birthday yesterday, lots of people remembered but my oldest friend forgot. I totally didn't care. Superficial bollocks.

StClare101 · 07/10/2022 22:39

Birthdays aren’t a big thing for me. Yes I’m sure I forget plenty and mine gets forgotten too. I show I care in other ways.

VioletInsolence · 07/10/2022 22:44

It doesn’t demonstrate how much someone cares - it demonstrates how organised someone is and how much importance they place on birthdays. I try hard to remember birthdays but I struggle so I don’t care if someone forgets mine - in fact I probably wouldn’t notice. I don’t place any importance on dates.

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