Friend forgetting birthday..

[Hindsightin]

would you be upset?

I forgot a friends birthday a couple of years ago - at some point during the panic - can’t really remember what stage as it’s all mashed together.

i think it was her 41st - might have been her 40th but I don’t think so.

we’d been friends for about four years.

anyway apparently tshe had a meltdown about it. I was texting her anyway on the day and realised I’d forgotten it so had a present delivered.

im just wondering if other people would have a melt down about it.

the context for why I ask is I ended the friendship a few months ago and I bumped into her last week and she went a bit batshit at me. There’s a whole other story about why the friendship ended - and I’m by no means blameless.

but I’m just thinking in retrospect re whether the birthday meltdown was a bit of a hint of things to come.

we had done presents and lunch etc for birthdays before.

my own personal view if a friend forgot would be that I wouldn’t be fussed.

just interested to see what other people think really.

soni guess the AIBU is is it unreasonable to get upset if a friend forgets your birthday when you’re in your 40s?

I don't know when my friend's birthday are and struggle to remember family birthdays. Doesn't mean I don't care or love people. Just that I don't retain dates in my head.

That's ridiculous. I would not care if friends forgot my bday and I have no clue if my closest friends even know how old I am. I can honestly say I have no clue when my closest friend's bday is (maybe in September, but not positive) or exactly how old she is (I know about how old, but dont remember exact age) HELL, sometimes I dont even remember how old I AM lol. Pretty ridiculous to use this as a gauge of how good of friends people are.

But your question wasn't whether what you did (forgetting her birthday) was good/bad/neutral. It was whether it was unreasonable of your friend to be upset.

Being upset or otherwise is a personal reaction. She's being neither reasonable nor unreasonable. What upsets me may not upset you and vice versa. Doesn't mean either of us is more or less reasonable than the other.

Is she being a little dramatic? Quite possibly. But unreasonable? Not if its importent to her, no.

*important. No idea where that spelling came from and why my phone decided it was correct. 😒

I’m 50 and I am not bothered if people forget my birthdays, or don’t know how old I am. If I want a fuss made about my birthday then I will arrange drinks or a lunch out with friends. But to be honest, It’s not a big deal for me.

I think it’s difficult to buy gifts for friends at this age - if there’s something I really want I buy it for myself! Plus I don’t like the waste of unnecessary gifts. I have too much stuff in my house anyway.

I do try and remember friends birthdays, but I am a bit rubbish at it.

I think the fact you had been texting her on the day looks v bad, and that would've annoyed me too. If I wasn't in contact with someone at all on the day it wouldn't be as bad imo.

i doubt I even knew what the date was that day let alone remember the date of her birthday!

i agree with whoever said upthread that’s it more a demonstration of administrative skills than how much you care about someone.

but in her case anyway I think it was a sign of future batshittery to come.

i don’t have the energy for that thread I don’t think 🤦‍♀️

Wouldn't bother me. Some people set great store by birthdays. Others don't. I'm in the half way camp. It really is no reflection on how strong the friendship is.

My friends threw a surpirse party for my 40th. 40 is a big deal.

She cared and that's all that mattered.

I'd be a little sad but as I'm not really someone who celebrates my birthday i would get over it pretty quickly. Most of my friends that I met as an adult happily agree to not worry about birthdays.

Only on MN do people get upset if their birthdays aren’t remembered. I have 4-5 really close friends and 8-9 good friends I have got the faintest idea when any of their birthdays are and none know mine. No one cares. I only know and celebrate three birthdays (both my parents are dead and I’m an only child), my DH and my two grown up DCs.
Frankly until I joined MN it never once crossed my mind that adults would get upset if their birthday was remembered and celebrated by their friends. But then until I joined MN a lot of stuff that seems to cause many people lots on stress and anxiety never crossed my mind’

Well it bothered her so that all that matters. You obviously meant alot to her given she said when you saw her. Some people like those intense friendships. Maybe you're a person who doesn't. Nothing would make me run in the opposite direction faster than an intense friendship. I don't care or expect my birthday to be remembered and neither do I remember others.

This. I have only the vaguest idea when my closest friends’ birthdays are.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. The only people I expect to remember my birthday are my parents, siblings and husband.

I only know the birthdates of the 2 school friends I still keep up with. Adult /new friends I would only know it was their birthday if they invited me to a celebration or if Facebook told me. And similarly I wouldn't expect them to remember or acknowledge my birthday.

I've been known to forget how old I am too. My DH and I frequently both forget it's our wedding anniversary until someone else reminds us. I do have ADHD though. I'm actually happy if other people forget things occasionally as it puts less pressure on me!

It’s not really an ‘administration skill’ to put close friends birthdays on your calendar is it now? I’ve memorised six of them over the years too.

Personally, I’m not overly fussed but I appreciate that it’s nice to recognise one day a year and to be fair, I’d have been shocked if one of my close friends forgot my 40th.

I always remember people's birthdays and send them a message at least. I don't have my birthday on Facebook, so 90% of people forget mine. It does make me a bit upset but I don't let them know that.

My closest friend of almost 30 years forgot my birthday this year. I didn’t kick off, but it made me realise how one sided the friendship has been for a very long time. She also shared some personal details to another friend, so I've taken myself away from the friendship. I don't need people like that in my life. I'm hard enough on myself without anyone else kicking me while I'm down.

I'd have been upset if a friend forgot my birthday, but going 'batshit' is a bit extreme

I have no idea when my own birthday is most of the time!! I definitely don't have a clue when my friends birthdays are.

There was a year where a couple of my friends had forgotten my birthday. The first friend sent me a long message the next day saying how sorry she was and that she really hoped I had a good birthday. The second friend just sent a generic happy birthday for a few days ago message. For quite a few reasons I’m no longer friends with the second friend. I’m not self centred enough to think people should remember my birthday, but it says a lot about people how they respond to realising they forgot

I'm with you OP - whilst I do try and remember birthdays, and would only feel a slight tinge of hurt if a friend didn't bother to text but I knew it wasn't because they forgot e.g. met them for a coffee a few days later and they asked how my birthday was, that would be odd from a close friend and I would re-think how close we actually are. Otherwise I would just assume that they had forgot and it would barely register. I've got friends where we don't do birthdays (only vaguely know when they are) so obviously no text from them wouldn't register at all.

Maybe your friend making such a massive fuss over something you consider to be so small shows that fundamentally you're not suited? I doubt this is the only thing where your outlook is so different. I've got a friend (used to be close now edging towards acquaintance) who makes a massive fuss over her birthday and it went into overdrive with a significant one - to the extent where the [considerable] effort that people made was deemed not good enough and she ended up having a party several months after the event just to get the cake she wanted. I just couldn't relate to this at all. We were close a few years ago but this and a several other things have shown that we are quite different people and a mildly incompatible way.

It's nice when people remember but I wouldn't be that fussed if a friend forgot.
I forgot a really good friends birthday a couple of years ago and she's still salty with me! I guess it's more important to her than it is to me. Lesson learned!

i only remember my ‘old’ friends bdays unless someone has a party!!
i wouldn’t be annoyed if a new (I count 4 years as new) forgot esp in covid times & they then bought a present.

My supposed good friend forgot my birthday, she was texting me all about her drama all day even though I had a birthday thing up she'd of seen.

She eventually texted "oh is it your birthday?" And that was it. After me baking her a cake and arranging drinks round mine for her birthday.
I distanced myself after that. Some people are just users.

I don't remember my friends' birthdays, I have a rough idea. Sometimes we buy one another presents, sometimes we don't, but we're all grown ups, so it really isn't an issue!