DD in new Au Pair Job - Working Hours

[ForeignerMN]

My DD (18) has just started an aupair placement in Barcelona (she is a dual EU citizen). She has been working for almost two weeks now. She has a contract for 30 hours. She looks after a 2 1/2 year old boy. Both parents work full time, one WFH. She has to get the little boy up, ready and to nursery in the morning, then pick him up in the afternoon and entertain / feed / bath and put him to bed. There was little communication when DD arrived as to tasks and working hours when she arrived. The host mother (HM) is now making a schedule for the week after DD asked for one. The schedule is specified to 5 minute intervals. DD is finding that all the tasks are taking longer as 1) she isn't the child's mother 2) the child doesn't want DD to do things for him when his parents are in the house, either during the day with the WFH parent or in the evening when both parents are home but DD has to put the child to bed.

On top, the HM is only planning DD for 20-25 hours a week and creating a "hour bank" for the hours DD hasn't worked to be carried over to the next week. She has been there less than two weeks and apparently has -7 hours. Next week she has been given a schedule where she should look after the child in the morning when she's supposed to be in her third day of language class (20hrs a week in total) as there isn't any nursery. On top, she has been told that meeting friends and going out twice a week is "too much" and this au pair position is a "full time job". DD is already ready to walk. To make things worse, the Host Dad is actually an old work colleague and we thought this would be easier than an unknown family. Would I be unreasonable to phone and talk to them and help my DD clear this up? Is HM being unreasonable? Carrying the hours forward isn't right, right? If it goes on like this, she have to work an extra month by Christmas...

Maybe I should quit my TA job and become an aupair then!

Back in the 1950s my mother had an au pair for a year. We heard from her all the horror stories told her by the other au pairs of the same nationality (Swedish) in our town, and how some of them were expected to look after children all day and then stay in during the evenings so the parents could go out. Rules about boyfriends, rules about this, rules about that, no heating in the bedroom, in one case a curfew after which the lights would be turned off on the floor where she slept!

My mother and Gunhilda became very militant about improving conditions for all the au pair Swedes in town (and incidentally au pairs of all the other nationalities as well), and did pretty well for them, or so we were told. It's really sad to learn that for some au pairs things have got no better in seventy years.

Wtf is she working jours like that form money like that. Het her out of there and placed through an agency. She would learn and earn more working in a bar! Those parents must be having a right laugh and rubbing their hands together with glee when telling their friends about their new au pair

It sounds like they are taking the piss big time. I would try and encourage her to talk to them herself first. She can thank them for the schedule but say what she really wanted was just nursery times and which nights she'd be babysitting not following a rigid timetable. Maybe help her write down what she was expecting/contracted to do and go though each of the issues.
Eg.

1. available to work 5 days a week for nursery drop off and evening routine but if she's not needed for any reason there's no banking hours.
2. language school is non-negotiable so they will need to sort alternate care those days
3. Restrictions on socialising- maybe some sort of agreement like home before midnight if she's working the next day but otherwise she is an adult and can manage her own time.

It will be a tricky conversation but she has limited choices: face up to this now and potentially resolve the situation and all ends well; suffers in silence and have a shit time; walk away.

I don't envy you knowing she's all that way and being taken advantage of like this but she really does need to try and discuss this like a grown-up.

Because of awkwardness with your connection to the family, I would get her to claim homesickness and come home.

Was it Maya Angelou who said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

They may tweak around the edges if you intervene but fundamentally their expectations do not match your DD's and that is not going to change. Neither party will be happy in the end. Better to gracefully withdraw now before there is any drama.

That pay is an absolute piss take too.

We used to pay £110 plus travel card and phone SIM. Obviously all meals and board etc (I know that’s just basic but in case anyone misinterprets that we made them pay for food or something). Also paid for English lessons.

You don’t have to try and maintain a nice relationship - they’re treating your daughter like shit. She’s young and yes, she’s an adult but a long way from home and in a position where she has no power. She needs you to reassure her that it’s okay to get out of this and she can come home and doesn’t have to be treated poorly.

She’s young and yes, she’s an adult but a long way from home and in a position where she has no power. She needs you to reassure her that it’s okay to get out of this and she can come home and doesn’t have to be treated poorly.

I agree. I know that she is legally an adult, but maturing into a fully-fledged grown-up person who can handle their own stressful situations is a process, not an event. She is still very young. I would intervene, with her permission, and talk to the family. If the situation can't be remedied, then I would get her out of there.

Sorry but your ex-colleague has taken your daughter for a mug, you owe him nothing.

Tell her to leave, owing hours to them, it will never end.
A relative employed au pairs, one lovely woman, she made vacuum when we were visiting to meet her.
It was hugely embarrassing all round.
The relative left, and went home, taking only what she could easily carry. I would have done the same.

Sorry the au pair left, not the relative who was oblivious to their own poor/bad behaviour

They want a nanny on au pair pay. I'd tell my daughter to come home now. I've had au pairs when my kids were little.

We got our last au pair from a similar situation, she lasted a month with her first family but stayed a year with us. She then came back again and did another year after university.

Her duties were...

Get the kids dressed for school/nursery and drop them off (I was on hand for any issues).

Load the dishwasher and wipe the counters and tidy the play room.

Collect the kids from school, give them a snack and entertain them for an hour (basically sit in playroom with kids with TV on - usually watching Air Crash investigation because she wanted to work as cabin crew 😂).

Wash and iron nursery/school uniform.

Outside of this she had a part time job in a coffee shop, volunteered at a local charity and had a pretty full social life.

We adored her, I think she liked us too. She made our life easier, in return she earned £140 a week, learned English and got something to add to her CV.

I think that's how it's supposed to work. Her parents were happy she was with us and we were happy to host her. I was basically a substitute mum for the time she was with us.

This is a suggested schedule for an au
pair in Spain based on a minimum of 70 Euros. This already looks like exploitation to me. It sounds like the host family are doing this but taking it to the extreme!www.aupairworld.com/en/wiki/schedule

I agree with the consensus. Unless they can see the error of their ways, this should spell the end of any friendship with the ex colleague. Your dd is more important than any relationship with him and his wife.

OP, in your shoes, I would advise your daughter to speak to the family (husband and wife together, not separately).

She should explain that perhaps there has been a ‘miscommunication’ as expectations in the UK are very different. She was not expecting to be on flexitime or be limited as to what she can do in her off hours. Is this something the family would consider changing to (whatever your daughter wants)? If not, she does understand and will work for one/two more weeks to give them time to start to find a replacement.

Would the family’s English be up to that or is your daughter’s Spanish to that? Hopefully, as a former colleague, his English is good enough but if not perhaps your daughter can practice what she wants to say elsewhere first.

Also, while I think your daughter should say there has been a ‘miscommunication’, I think the word ‘exploitation’ is more accurate. But let the family save face and get her out of there asap.

@shiningstar2 agree entirely with that!

I think you have to prioritise your daughter over your ex colleague. I've been an exploited au pair and it was awful. The fundamental issue is your family have control over your board, lodging AND job. You're not in a position to negotiate much. My employers promised me regular time off, extra money if I had to work extra hours, all sorts. I got none of it and couldn't walk out because I had to spend a certain amount of time in their country for my degree course. Your daughter should find another job.