To wonder what age toddlers stop hitting biting etc?

[Downonthefarrrm]

Just that really …

I’ve hardly had to go looking for judgement, now. Read the first page.

I meant when you are out and about

I don’t want to sound overly argumentative here @Snoredoeurve but do you really think those comments aren’t reflective of when we’re out and about?

DS did it a few times at nursery around 18 months/two usually over not wanting to share toys, hitting target than biting, also did headbutt me once during a tantrum. His speech was early and so was his understanding so I think that helped.
My friend's DS has speech delay and would still hit up to about 4, usually out of frustration/not being able to communicate effectively.
Got an accident report from nursery this week that said DS had been hit by another child, he's in pre school class. I don't think it's hugely uncommon. How often is it happening? Are there particular situations or triggers beforehand?

DD is quite verbal at 2 (almost 3) so perfectly able to express herself yet is hitting at home a lot. Never at nursery and no biting. It’s bloody awful tbh.

Dh has started praising her in the morning before she’s even sat up in bed for not hitting anyone. He’ll go in and say “good morning, you have been such a good girl and not done any hitting this morning so I’ll go get you x toy because you are so good”. Sounds insane given she is literally lying down and hasn’t had an opportunity yet but it seems to set her up with the idea that she doesn’t hit.

Not really sure what you want from this thread.
Ive tried to help, imagining people are thinking or meaning horrible things about you wont help you at all.
All the best

Hold on in there. My experience (one biter, turned out yes, to be autistic, and one hitter who just lashes out when frustrated and appears to be NT) is that IF you are actively parenting the child then nobody judges much at all. In fact, I had the most lovely lady come up to me when DS1 had launched a full blown attack on me and I had eventually got him into a supermarket trolley as we needed food, and say ‘don’t worry, love, we were all thinking ‘I remember that!’ You did very well.’

But, DS1 is about to turn 10 and it’s been at least five years now since he last full-on attacked. Your DC will get there because you do care and are vigilant.

DS is a 'biter' and has hit me as well. He is 3.5 now and doesn't really do it anymore.

Being stern or doling out punishment didn't do a whole lot, just made him more frustrated. I did some reading around emotional regulation and looked at some Instagram accounts, also had some excellent chats with nursery. I realised his behaviour was his response to stress or tiredness etc and he just can't regulate his feelings, which casues him to lash out. I decided to go with the 'it is ok to be sad / angry etc but it is not ok to hit / bite'. Repeat repeat repeat. I also say 'you have hurt mummy, so I'm going to need a bit of space from you now'. Remove myself from the situation. It has been really hard to be honest I never I would be the parent with the 'biting kid' but here we are. People have made some judgy comments as well which obvs makes you feel worse. Solidarity OP.

Interested at the responses. My first perfect cherub would never have done anything as vulgar as hitting or biting. Unfortunately her younger brother did not get that memo. He's 18m and has been biting and hitting for a good few months. He headbutts too. He'll bite my shoulder if has a cuddle. Or my leg if he's leaning on it. Or his sister if they are playing rough together. It doesn't seem to be a negative thing for him, like he's not lashing out and biting, more of just an automatic reflex of when something is near his mouth he bites. Thankfully doesn't apply to my boobs when feeding 😅

Hitting and head butting as well, it's almost like it's an expression of love? Or an expression of something anyway! He'll headbutt my chest when he's sitting having a story happily. Strange child. I'm hopeful he'll grow out of all of it as his ability to communicate grows.

My middle one was a terrible biter. Looked angelic and would smile sweetly and sink his teeth in. Sometimes he bit in anger but not always so was really hard to predict. He’s 16 now and pretty normal so it’s hard to remember back but I think he’d mostly stopped biting strangers by about age 3 and restricted it to brothers after that.

My first born never bit. My second born well she's a total rascal! It was probably quite bad at 18 months the biting but had got better by just past age 2. W almost 3 and still hits though and nips but it's always her sister that's gets it. She lashes out for anything. Is a wee Angel at nursery though 🤷🏻‍♀️

DS went through it at around two and a half. Usually when he felt cornered by other children - not that they were doing anything wrong, just that they were physically there and he wanted to move because he was pushing a train or whatever. These seemed to be pretty isolated incidents at nursery. At home his cousin knew how to wind him up, and he also lashed out at me and DP.

I think what clicked and sorted it was when he realised he had alternative options, and a growing awareness that it really wasn't a good thing to do. So we did lots of ridiculous role play about how to ask people to move or how you could change what you were doing. At 3 and a half he still does a furious "no thank you NO THANK YOU" when someone tries to tickle him or anything else he doesn't like. Can't say he's got the polite tone down, but at least the words are right!

Heaping on praise whenever he was kind or stayed calm, calm response when it did happen and reiterating that it hurt and we didn't hit or bite each other. Probably about 6 months in total of watching him like a hawk around other children and making sure I could intervene when necessary?

There's definitely a couple of children at his nursery that are still going through the stage and they're all at least 3.

They stop when the parents discipline them.

2 and a bit for us. It was really, really terrible for kids and adults but he's long past it and you wouldn't believe he ever did it. Or the scratching, or the deadeyed look when he wanted to claw your eyes out. It really affected our relationship with him and it was hard not to believe he wasn't a psycho in the making.

He's ridiculously tolerant of babies and younger kids now - maybe because he remembers at some level being such a git!

To reassure you - he's now 9 and an angel.

Oh and we ended up changing nurseries to something really small. I think it was too stressful for him and a home environment suited him much more.

What's it like you there on your high horse? Ridiculous comment

Oh piss off.

My four year old DD still bites and scratches, I've kind of given up.

There is a lot of truth in this. And I think even if your DC is badly behaved much of the silent ‘judgement’ you seem so paranoid about will be far more if you look like you’re doing nothing about it or if, as a grown adult, you don’t seem to be very effective in managing a toddler.

If your child is NT there is a lot you can do to preempt and head bad behaviour off at the pass but many parents are oblivious until after something has happened. If they’ve bitten or hurt another child then it’s too late then - saying sorry after the fact won’t take away the hurt. No wonder other parents get pissed off. Not saying that’s necessarily you op, but just offering a view.

Why am I surprised you offered that view.

@savethatkitty the fact your post isn’t in the first person suggests none of your children was a biter. Is that right?

We've changed nurseries too, our new one has fewer children in his room and loads of outdoor time and space to help him burn off energy and impulses and to dissipate the noise.

And I'm not replying to "just discipline them" because, no shit Sherlock, we've all tried that!

Well, I wasn’t going to bother responding but my reply might make others feel better.

Until the age of about 16/17 months, DS was incredibly gentle and loving. If I said no to him he’d cry. My friends children would laugh. My child listened to me, wasn’t I a great parent? Right?

All changed at around 16 months. The first time I noticed it was when a friend visited with her little girl. DS snatched toys off her whenever she picked something up, tried to push her off his rocking horse. I was mortified and I actually cried after that visit. It felt like something I had done, or caused in some way. I also noticed she was far more verbal than DS, identifying animals in books, which DS couldn’t do. That was my fault as well, I thought, and went on a spending spree in Waterstones buying educational books and endlessly pointing at the bee in That’s Not My Bee saying ‘bzzz, bzzzz.’ Silence

Then nursery told me he’d bitten another child. Straightaway I said I am so sorry. Is the child all right? Please apologise to the parents. Nursery reassured me it was normal but it didn’t feel normal when none of the other kids I knew were doing it.

i felt I had to be seen ‘doing something’ so would intervene, grabbing toys off DS to return to another child, loudly and probably annoyingly saying ‘share!’ It didn’t work but it did get me tantrums for my pains.

Then we moved nursery (moved house) and I sat in the new room for his settling in days and I saw things from his POV. I realised that in this environment if you don’t grab, you don’t get. I realised that if I intervened it prompted a hit but if I just let them sort it themselves it was fine. Another child might have their toy taken off them but in seconds DS would put it down and then they could have it back, if they wanted it (they’d mostly moved on.)

And DS speech came on and more importantly his understanding did. Now I can say ‘it’s okay DS, she’s just looking’ or ‘it is still your toy but can he see?’

And I was getting glowing reports from nursery, he mostly seemed to have stopped mashing other kids and all was well. But yesterday I had to stop him hitting a few times. All is explained today with a high temp and being sick.

So how the hell do you discipline a 16 month old? You can’t. You can move them away and you can physically prevent them hitting but sometimes it happens.

No they don't. Some might, but not all.