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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband stalking me online

74 replies

Cottonwoool · 07/10/2022 10:58

Online groups are really important to me and I’m a member of two online groups. One is for social anxiety and the other a marriage group to discuss anything marriage related for women married to Muslim men (my husband is British born).
I have never used these groups to bad mouth my husband as I never needed to or had any reason to get advice regarding my marriage. I was happy with no ‘red flags’ seen in my husband so far.

My husband has no access to my social media and does not ask for my passwords.
One day I randomly told my husband these two groups I’m on. It was weeks later I noticed he had added himself to these groups for absolutely no reason. He doesn’t have a Muslim husband or social anxiety. When I asked him why he was on them he said it was to protect me online and to check no one was harrassing me or giving me bad advice and that he wasn’t removing himself from the groups.
I managed to get him removed from the Muslim husband group as it’s only for women but can’t remove him from the social anxiety group.

I’d posted on both groups for months before noticing he was also on there but thankfully hadn’t said anything bad about him or the marriage (now they’ve introduced an a anonymous feature so can still interact in peace using that).
I since tested him by mentioning groups I’m on to see if he would join and he always joined once he knew a group I was on (always without telling me).

I know it seems a really small thing but I felt really spied on and stalked when I discovered he had joined these groups. Let’s be honest he didn’t do it entirely to protect me hence the secrecy. I don’t think he was worried I was cheating but not sure what his reasoning was.

We’re newly married but have known each other a long time as friends and I’ve never seen any evidence of controlling behaviour.

I’ve discussed this with some members of the community and everyone seems to think my husband is just a loving, protective husband which might explain why my husband feels it’s okay if that’s the community attitude of some but I feel it’s quite controlling and stalkerish.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HangOnToYourself · 07/10/2022 11:01

It sounds controlling to me rather than protective

Newusernameaug · 07/10/2022 11:01

Yup controlling a huge red flag

NiqueNique · 07/10/2022 11:02

It’s not a small thing at all. It’s a horrible invasion of your space.

Anniefrenchfry · 07/10/2022 11:03

Oh that’s creepy controlling behaviour. Can’t believe anyone would tell you otherwise

Splutteramo · 07/10/2022 11:03

That’s not loving ‘ protective’ behaviour, that’s him trying to control or watch how you interact with others. At the very least it’s invading your privacy.

Whatbis he supposed to be ‘protecting’ you from exactly?

if you want to stay on the anxiety one, I would come off it, tell him you have as it’s not actually helping you, then rejoin under an alias. Or find a new one.

Are you SURE he’s doesn’t have your passwords or pins for other things? I would change them all now without letting him know.

there’s no way I would do to DW what he’s doing to you.

Selinaserena · 07/10/2022 11:04

This is controlling behaviour.

Splutteramo · 07/10/2022 11:05

Who is advising you that this not odd and invasive? They’re doing you no favours.
speak to him, tell him you do t want him on the grps and see what happens.

GoodShipLollipopBop · 07/10/2022 11:06

That's creepy. I wouldn't make an issue of it directly to your husband as I'd be worried that IG would anger him and make him even more suspicious of your social media interactions. But I would see about contacting the moderators and flagging the fact your husband is in there (you could just say there are men in there) and raise it as a privacy / security risk for you and the other women in the group.

You never know, your husband could be monitoring these groups for his friends as well. And they may be doing the same.

Original poster
Cottonwoool · 07/10/2022 11:07

Splutteramo · 07/10/2022 11:05

Who is advising you that this not odd and invasive? They’re doing you no favours.
speak to him, tell him you do t want him on the grps and see what happens.

I told him he refused to come off them.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/10/2022 11:09

He sounds quite controlling
Find yourself another anxiety group and don’t tell him about it - think about whether you want to stay married

Original poster
Cottonwoool · 07/10/2022 11:11

GoodShipLollipopBop · 07/10/2022 11:06

That's creepy. I wouldn't make an issue of it directly to your husband as I'd be worried that IG would anger him and make him even more suspicious of your social media interactions. But I would see about contacting the moderators and flagging the fact your husband is in there (you could just say there are men in there) and raise it as a privacy / security risk for you and the other women in the group.

You never know, your husband could be monitoring these groups for his friends as well. And they may be doing the same.

Yes I already got him removed from the wives group for this reason.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 07/10/2022 11:12

When I asked him why he was on them he said it was to protect me online and to check no one was harrassing me or giving me bad advice
Even if this was true (it isn't) - what a patronising arse.

I’ve discussed this with some members of the community and everyone seems to think my husband is just a loving, protective husband
What a whole n=bunch of patronising arses!

I am so sorry your privacy is being invaded, you are being talked down to & treated like a child, it sounds suffocating OP. If you are otherwise happy in your marriage all I can suggest is you find some other groups & STAY QUIET about them. Your husband has no right whatsoever to - as you rightly say - control & stalk you like this.

How angry have you been with him about it - or have you not been able to tell him how angry & invaded you feel?

Splutteramo · 07/10/2022 11:13

‘I told him he refused to come off them.’

that would be a deal breaker for me. You don’t have kids? Perhaps it’s time to re-think this relationship now before you get stuck for the sake of the kids.
tell him it’s not up for debate. He IS invading your privacy. You are NOT happy with this and you DO NOT need protection like you’re some 1950s Disney princess.

if he’s still a no, I would honest to go leave him. Are there other signs of his coming trolling behaviour? Can you go where you like and when you like without any fuss or comment? Are there friends you have that he doesn’t like and makes it tricky to see it makes a fuss?
has he tried to influence what you do for work, or does he ‘plan’ the future for the both of you without you having much input? Does he make big financial decisions without consulting you?

Beamur · 07/10/2022 11:14

Creepy and controlling.
Short term, find new groups and do not tell him.
Longer term - if this kind of behaviour continues or escalates you will need to seriously consider your life with him.
Don't get pregnant and keep some money separate.
The advice you've been given may be a community 'norm' but that doesn't actually make it ok.

Toomanysleepycats · 07/10/2022 11:14

I would post on that group what you have written here. Post in an innocent way and say it’s giving you anxiety. Perhaps if he sees what all the answers say (I am of course confident it will be the same as here), he will realise he is in the wrong and leave.

Or find another social anxiety group. What he is doing is wrong.

Stationsofthecross · 07/10/2022 11:16

Yikes. He wounds very controlling. Bet he might come out of it, then create a fake profile just to see what you write without you knowing.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/10/2022 11:16

Yes it's not nice and protective, it is controlling

"When I asked him why he was on them he said it was to protect me online and to check no one was harrassing me or giving me bad advice and that he wasn’t removing himself from the groups."

There are a few things that I don't like about this personally

  • the secrecy, he doesn't tell you up front
  • the implication that you are unable to protect yourself from or deal with being harassed online yourself. It's not like walking alone at night where being bigger and stronger can help. Its online. Why is he any better at dealing with online harassment than you? He is saying you're naive and treating you like a child
  • he doesn't seem to trust you
  • he isnt listening to you, you've asked him to give you some privacy and explained how you're feeling and it's just a flat 'no, I'm not going to take anything you say into account, I'm going to continue doing something that I don't need to do even though it is making you unhappy'
Nagado · 07/10/2022 11:20

We’re newly married but have known each other a long time as friends and I’ve never seen any evidence of controlling behaviour I would suspect he has different expectations of his friends than his wife, so I don’t think you can rely on this as a barometer.

The bit about wanting to make sure that nobody was giving you bad advice jumped out at me. Does he mean bad advice? Or does he mean advice that he would disagree with.

I’ve discussed this with some members of the community and everyone seems to think my husband is just a loving, protective husband which might explain why my husband feels it’s okay if that’s the community attitude of some but I feel it’s quite controlling and stalkerish He feels it’s ok because ‘the community’ are justifying his behaviour and saying what he wants to hear. The vast majority of the community on here will tell you that it is controlling behaviour. However, I’ll bet my next lot of wages that he won’t see that and recognise that he is being controlling because that’s what the MN community think. In any event, it doesn’t matter what the community thinks. It matters what you think.

FeelingGuilty151 · 07/10/2022 11:21

I reckon he was trying to see if you had any bad things to say/negative views about Islam or the culture he belongs to. I’ve had lots of racist/islamphobic exes so I’d use it to weed them out

ganvough · 07/10/2022 11:21

Definitely controlling. And I imagine this is the start where it will slowly get worse. People do change after marriage when they think they 'have' you.

You need to stand your ground, tell his it is controlling behaviour that you have no privacy online and do not need him to look out for you like you're a child. Are you scared of him? Is there any reason you couldn't get angry with him and make it clear you won't accept him? I would have lost my shit with any man who did that.

He's boundary testing. When he realises you're too meek to challenge him or get mad, he'll start controlling in other ways.

Anger is your friend. It lets people know you do not accept behaviour that makes you uncomfortable and it isn't open to debate. He gets off the sites immediately and never does anything like that ever again.

Splutteramo · 07/10/2022 11:21

Right now the only person you potential need protecting from is your new husband. Tell him that and see if he gets the irony.

Noteverybodylives · 07/10/2022 11:23

It sounds extreme but this would be something I consider ending my relationship over.

He’s not being nice and protective, he’s being creepy and controlling!

I would join other sites like this one and not tell him about them.

I would be careful though that’s he’s not tracking your phone, car or searching your internet history.

I feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg of this behaviour.

Splutteramo · 07/10/2022 11:23

‘FeelingGuilty151 · Today 11:21
I reckon he was trying to see if you had any bad things to say/negative views about Islam or the culture he belongs to. I’ve had lots of racist/islamphobic exes so I’d use it to weed them out’

  1. who says the OP isn’t herself Muslim?
  2. she’s entitled to her views regardless of her background
  3. Spying is spying
ganvough · 07/10/2022 11:26

FeelingGuilty151 · 07/10/2022 11:21

I reckon he was trying to see if you had any bad things to say/negative views about Islam or the culture he belongs to. I’ve had lots of racist/islamphobic exes so I’d use it to weed them out

What?? You burden an innocent person with your trust issues/bad choices in partner by invading their privacy? And justifying it?

It's like men who've been cheated on justifying why they control and monitor everything their partner does.

Find better vetting processes like and coping mechanisms than tracking people's movements and activity. No decent, well adjusted person would tolerate it and you'll end up with people who have form for either doing it themselves or have a lot of other issues.

PragmaticWench · 07/10/2022 11:27

He's showing you that he believes himself to be in a parental role over you. That your thoughts, independence and individual identity should be managed and supervised by him.