Husband stalking me online

[Cottonwoool]

Online groups are really important to me and I’m a member of two online groups. One is for social anxiety and the other a marriage group to discuss anything marriage related for women married to Muslim men (my husband is British born).
I have never used these groups to bad mouth my husband as I never needed to or had any reason to get advice regarding my marriage. I was happy with no ‘red flags’ seen in my husband so far.

My husband has no access to my social media and does not ask for my passwords.
One day I randomly told my husband these two groups I’m on. It was weeks later I noticed he had added himself to these groups for absolutely no reason. He doesn’t have a Muslim husband or social anxiety. When I asked him why he was on them he said it was to protect me online and to check no one was harrassing me or giving me bad advice and that he wasn’t removing himself from the groups.
I managed to get him removed from the Muslim husband group as it’s only for women but can’t remove him from the social anxiety group.

I’d posted on both groups for months before noticing he was also on there but thankfully hadn’t said anything bad about him or the marriage (now they’ve introduced an a anonymous feature so can still interact in peace using that).
I since tested him by mentioning groups I’m on to see if he would join and he always joined once he knew a group I was on (always without telling me).

I know it seems a really small thing but I felt really spied on and stalked when I discovered he had joined these groups. Let’s be honest he didn’t do it entirely to protect me hence the secrecy. I don’t think he was worried I was cheating but not sure what his reasoning was.

We’re newly married but have known each other a long time as friends and I’ve never seen any evidence of controlling behaviour.

I’ve discussed this with some members of the community and everyone seems to think my husband is just a loving, protective husband which might explain why my husband feels it’s okay if that’s the community attitude of some but I feel it’s quite controlling and stalkerish.

AIBU?

She’s clearly not a Muslim if she’s joining groups with a title like that and no she’s not entitled to racist/islamophobic views IF she’s married to a Muslim man and IF the group’s sentiment is of that kind.
well I’d like to know if it was my partner!

If it’s a normal supportive group fine he’s in the wrong

if it’s not, if it’s the type of women who post “beware of Muslim men they’ll just abuse you” then no wonder he joined

I think he was definitely concerned I’d come across islamophobic/racist people on these groups who talked badly about the culture.
I am also Muslim though.

Yup I met enough of them in my time married to a Muslim man. Some reason islamophobia exists.
However personally I still don’t feel it justifies joining secretly and also doesn’t justify joining the socially anxiety group.

Are you a revert sis? Just the way you phrased it implied you were perhaps a bit unsure

Does this mean he can follow her to work because there are racists there? Check all her emails and correspondence in case someone messaged her racist materials? Check on her social media in case she has racist people in her groups and friends? Never let her go out in case she befriends a racist?

I am Muslim. My husband is very religious and would only marry a Muslim woman.

I am. Long before meeting my husband. 😊

It doesn’t matter what his reasons for joining it is controlling behaviour aggravated by his refusal to leave. This won’t stop at on line groups, in time it will be every single thing you do, say and where you are even looking.

I feel you are at risk in this marriage. Potentially very serious risk once you are pregnant and have children. Do you feel safe op?

That makes a lot of sense. How does he treat you normally? Does he look through your messages with your friends?

If it’s a normal supportive group fine he’s in the wrong

if it’s not, if it’s the type of women who post “beware of Muslim men they’ll just abuse you” then no wonder he joined

OP is a grown adult.

She doesn’t need her DH checking what sites are suitable for her.

You’ll be saying she needs parental controls put on next.

Your DH monitoring what you post online, especially on private forums, is controlling and creepy AF, not 'loving'. Slightly different scenario but I'm very active on Twitter - mainly because of/related to my work but occasionally more personal stuff. DH is not on Twitter but I know he had two friends/family members who were keeping an eye on my account to check I wasn't saying anything derogatory about him (we don't have the easiest relationship). He lost his shit earlier this year about something I posted that had been forwarded to him and which he completely misinterpreted (obviously Twitter is a public forum so nothing is actually private, and my account is openly me, I'm not hiding anything, so just weird and unnecessary). Since I found out his 'sources' as he called them, I've blocked them both because it made me really uneasy that somewhere where I speak as myself, mostly about topics that don't interest him in the slightest, was being actively monitored. There's no reason for it unless they are trying to catch you out somehow.

That’s not the right interpretation of my post.

I echo everyone else, this is controlling behaviour and extremely worrying.

Please use effective contraception. Do not make it harder to leave by getting pregnant with this man. I'd also be wary of the people in your community who are telling you his behaviour is okay. Do you have any other support?

I’ve discussed this with some members of the community and everyone seems to think my husband is just a loving, protective husband

Were the people you discussed this with Muslim women who are from more traditional backgrounds where they are used to being controlled by their father, then a husband?

Regardless of what anyone else thinks and whether they'd be happy for their spouse to do it, the bottom line is that YOU are unhappy with it, and that he knows that but refuses to stop.

I'd personally be tempted to post really outrageous stuff about him on the group that he's still in, and fucking tag him in it if possible. Like "My husband has been farting continuously for 8 hours and the smell is really lingering on my clothes. It's making me even more anxious than normal. Can anyone recommend a way of plugging his noxious arse?" But then I'm a petty, confrontational fucker 😆

Controlling and very creepy. As a side note, I really hope you have registered your marriage under British law. If not, you have zero rights financially.

You should expect the same standards of behavior regardless of religion. Sadly, the Muslim “community” is complicit in a lot of heinous behaviour and enables men. I speak from bitter experience. Praying 5 times a day and fasting is not the marker of a good Muslim. Be wary and protect yourself. If needed, speak to the Muslim Women’s Helpline.

And if he 'removes' himself, what's to stop him re-registering under a false name?

Same end result, him monitoring you. But you won't be aware of it.

Even if you do/say/write about anything he'll know.

I think it's a huge invasion of privacy. I think it's controlling and also isolating. You have to censor yourself and you can't get the support or social interaction you need because of his involvement.

OP I'd be very careful of what devices you're using.

If he's gone this far, he may very well be using software to track what you're doing online. Change your passwords to everything and perhaps use a friends phone/computer or go to the library/work to do it.

Life is too short for shite like this. If it were not this it would be something else he would try and control you with. I could not live like that. I have been there married to a muslim who apparently 'wore the trousers in this house'. Not any more he doesn't

He’s a controlling cunt.

I think you are right to feel unsettled of this OP, it's very disturbing. There may not have been any red flags before but there certainly are now.

This is no a loving or protective act, and he is an awful person for invading your privacy and your safe spaces, on top of that to have done it covertly and to refuse to stop, as well as to say it is for your benefit. Absolutely disgusting and his feelings override yours as it will always be now it has been outed and you have been forced to accept it.

I would change usernames, find new forums, delete my internet history and use a VPN or incognito modes to use the internet going forward. This kind of thing is exactly why domestic abuse websites have quick options to close the page without evidence of having been there.

So two things, one yes could absolutely be controlling behaviour, I think especially since he refused to remove himself from the groups when you asked him to. That in itself isn't really on.

Secondly if I'm playing devil's advocate with myself could he feel insecure that you're talking a lot to others and maybe he feels like it's a way for him to understand you and how you're feeling? Are you generally open with him regarding issues in your marriage or with your anxiety and does he respond well and supportively when you do talk to him?

I think you have caught him out and he's maybe got defensive so I'd have another conversation with him and just talk about privacy and agree boundaries and ask him what his real motivations are. Maybe he was worried about bad advice but equally you're a grown woman so you'd be able to weigh up any advice you get yourself so you don't need him to police that for you. I'd have a good think about whether there has been any red flag behaviour before that you've put down to being protective or supportive in the past. If there genuinely isn't then I'd have another chat with him and see if you need to be more open, if there is then you need to consider what you need from your relationship and if he's the person to provide that.

Sounds controlling and like he's spying. He's just there to check you don't say something out of line that he won't be happy with. Mixture of being nosey and controlling. What if one day you post something personal? I don't know why you'd expose yourself to him like that....he's probably paranoid. I wouldn't like that it's an invasion or privacy.