Husband stalking me online

[Cottonwoool]

Online groups are really important to me and I’m a member of two online groups. One is for social anxiety and the other a marriage group to discuss anything marriage related for women married to Muslim men (my husband is British born).
I have never used these groups to bad mouth my husband as I never needed to or had any reason to get advice regarding my marriage. I was happy with no ‘red flags’ seen in my husband so far.

My husband has no access to my social media and does not ask for my passwords.
One day I randomly told my husband these two groups I’m on. It was weeks later I noticed he had added himself to these groups for absolutely no reason. He doesn’t have a Muslim husband or social anxiety. When I asked him why he was on them he said it was to protect me online and to check no one was harrassing me or giving me bad advice and that he wasn’t removing himself from the groups.
I managed to get him removed from the Muslim husband group as it’s only for women but can’t remove him from the social anxiety group.

I’d posted on both groups for months before noticing he was also on there but thankfully hadn’t said anything bad about him or the marriage (now they’ve introduced an a anonymous feature so can still interact in peace using that).
I since tested him by mentioning groups I’m on to see if he would join and he always joined once he knew a group I was on (always without telling me).

I know it seems a really small thing but I felt really spied on and stalked when I discovered he had joined these groups. Let’s be honest he didn’t do it entirely to protect me hence the secrecy. I don’t think he was worried I was cheating but not sure what his reasoning was.

We’re newly married but have known each other a long time as friends and I’ve never seen any evidence of controlling behaviour.

I’ve discussed this with some members of the community and everyone seems to think my husband is just a loving, protective husband which might explain why my husband feels it’s okay if that’s the community attitude of some but I feel it’s quite controlling and stalkerish.

AIBU?

He could very easily make a fake woman's account and join them groups again.

Of course it's controlling and a sign of things to come.

"he said it was to protect me...."

He'll use that same line to justify:
Dictating who you can socialise with;
Dictating where you can go on your own;
Dictating what you can wear;
Dictating where you can work.

It's got little to do with him being Muslim and everything to do with being a controller.

Good luck, I suspect you are going to need it.

Honestly? If you have no children together I'd dump and run. I couldn't live with that. It's not love, it's control and it's only going to get worse.

It's very controlling but if you post on these groups you can do so anonymously

Don’t tell him you’re on Mumsnet lol

Actually in Islam, a husband can expect his wife to dress acceptably in relation to Islamic rules and vice versa. Obviously he cannot force her or be cruel to her but there are social norms that must be followed. Same with going somewhere alone, a man is a guardian of his wife, he’s her protector
that’s Islam

But he is also stealing other woman's privacy. How are they free to ask questions or examine their feelings in a safe space with that nosey fucker setting them up?

Huge Red Flags - although I appreciate it maybe acceptable in his culture.

Massive, massive red flag and this has nothing to do with him "loving" you or wanting to protect you. This is 100% about controlling you and it's going to get far, far worse.

You should be running for your life, and whatever you do, don't get pregnant.

Very controlling. I would be very concerned about having children with this man. They are a trap.

This. It’s a huge invasion of privacy and reeks of entitlement.
Did he tell you he joined the groups OP or did he use his own name?
You could try joining a woman’s health group and if he then joins you know you have a big problem.
His behaviour does sound controlling.

I’m Muslim, to start off with I would never discuss any groups I am on with my husband, as it has nothing to do with him what I do, this is definitely creepy, as for the “community members” saying he’s doing if out of love is even worse. Just out of curiosity what origin are his parents? As certain men from certain parts of the country are very possessive and want to know all the in’s and out’s of what the wife is up to.

Report him to the Muslim woman’s group moderator, it’s a massive invasion of a woman’s privacy. If he turned up in the woman’s section of the mosque, he’d be very firmly told to fuck off. Men have no room in a woman’s only single sex space. it’s their safe space & his presence is a massive intrusion of people’s privacy and dignity.

Also mention that he could be putting other women in danger if he knows their husbands and shares screen shots with them.

He’s curious and nosy, like secretly reading someone else’s diary. Very invasive.

, a man is a guardian of his wife...

Bloody hell, have you justed wafted in from the Middle Ages??!!!

OP, like virtually everyone who has responded, I feel that your husband is engaging in coercive behavior and is trying to control you. I am deeply concerned that this will not end well for you.

I'm worried that he may have installed keystroke tracking software on your devices so that he can monitor everything you do online. Which would also mean that he has your passwords for all your accounts and online groups.

Social anxiety and having a very controlling husband...

... Couldn't be connected could they?

Don’t tell him about Mumsnet. What he’s doing is not a kind or loving act. He does not have your best interests at heart.

I wouldn't like it.

I'd hate it even more if I asked him to leave the groups and he refused.

I'd also be worried even if he did leave that he'd rejoin as someone else. He may have a fake profile so he can rejoin the wives group.

For me, I'd feel the trust was gone and there's now a power play.

I'm not sure what to suggest though as he's made it clear he has no intention of listening to you.

It's got nothing to do with British culture in 1950s. Islamic norms aren't based on British standards, any person would know this. Gender relations and moral laws are completely different in Islam than the general British population.

This.

I would be reconsidering the marriage.

@Cottonwoool he is being controlling, not protective. Please log out of all your social media, emails, bank etc and change your passwords. Don’t include your favourite things in the passwords. Make new accounts for both of those groups. For me, this would be grounds for divorce because he wants to monitor your life. Instead of living as equals and partners, he wants to be a strict parent.

If you are a revert, then I assume your family won’t hold the stigma of divorce over you (unlike women who were born into a religion and feel trapped in an abusive marriage).

Islam is, sadly, stuck in the dark ages to the huge detriment of women. Take a look at divorce laws and tell me how they ensure the protection of women and children? Islam is incredibly regressive towards women, and I say that as a Muslim woman. Men can find justification for any type of heinous behaviour as long as they can find a sheikh to interpret the issue accordingly. I’d much rather have the protection of British law than Islamic law.

This. Will he be demanding to read your diary or listen in to your phone calls next?
I would be concerned this will escalate, and it would be very easy for him to 'cyberstalk' you.
You're an adult, he has no right to do this, however he tries to justify it. I'd never be able to trust a man with zero regard for my autonomy or feelings - and i pity the other women in your groups he's scrutinising without their knowledge too. Horribly invasive.