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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Mum visiting SIL instead of me/new baby

58 replies

BoogalooBoo · 06/10/2022 15:18

I’ll try to keep it short but I’ll give a bit of background.

I am pregnant with 1st baby – due on NYE. I have 2 older brothers who are married and have kids (ages 6 and downward). So this will be baby no. 5 in the family. One brother and family live in same hometown as my parents and see them all the time/have had free childcare for the last 6 years. Our parents separated decades ago, so they’re very much free agents and don’t do anything together so my dad doesn't really feature here. Other brother has lived with his family in Dubai for about 3 years. I moved to Ireland 5 years ago to work as a single 30-something, got married 2 years ago and now here we are expecting baby.

I am close to my mum and we have talked since I got pregnant about her staying with us for Christmas/NYE for when baby arrives, and so I’d just assumed this was happening.

SIL in Dubai has a tendency to moan about people not visiting (her own family have never been to Dubai or met their children) and I get that she can feel a bit lonely and cut off. But now it transpires that she’s been putting pressure on my mum to go over for Christmas. The way my mum is talking it sounds like she’s considering it and she’ll come to Ireland to visit me in January/February ‘after things have calmed down’.

Now, I don’t really give a hoot about who is where for Christmas day or NYE, but I’m having a baby this year (and may never again because I am high-risk). So what if something happens/complications/emergencies during my late pregnancy/labour and mum is over sunning herself on a beach in Dubai all because of pressure from my SIL?!

AIBU to feel jilted? I only found out a few days ago but it’s been starting to build up from mild disappointment/acceptance to feeling quite upset today.

OP posts:

Hearthnhome · 06/10/2022 15:22

Honestly, I think staying in Dubai with kids that are aware it’s Christmas and staying with you when you have chance to fund you feet a bit, is the better.

Your title is odd. Your mum is visiting her Son, sil and grandkids. Your title implies she is just if visiting her your Sil over you.

oneuptwodown · 06/10/2022 15:24

No point in getting het up about this. Your mum has a point, it really will be better for you to have her over in January, once things have calmed down. You have your husband for support, you don't need your mum too. And, frankly, wouldn't you rather spend the holiday in Dubai, warm and without a newborn disrupting your sleep, than in Ireland?

You're not being jilted. Your mum has children and children in law and grandchildren, and she can't be everything to everyone - and what about what she wants anyway? It's your first baby, her 5th grandchild - this is a storm in a tea cup. She doesn't need to be there the second the baby is born.

ViscountessBridgerton · 06/10/2022 15:25

YABU.

parietal · 06/10/2022 15:27

You and baby will be in much better shape for visitors a week (or 3) after your due date than on the day itself

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2022 15:28

Interesting timing from your DB and SIL. Don’t blame her more than him, it’s his and your mum. If your mum changes her plans that’s on her not anyone else and I completely get why you feel hurt. You were banking on her support and feel ditched. Fair enough. Has DB got form for trying to manipulate your mum?

MumChats · 06/10/2022 15:35

I get it. I'd be really upset too especially as it sounds like your plans came first. From a practical point of view it migjt actually suit you to have her come later - at first your dh will have paternity leave and be able to help but when he goes back to work would be the perfect time for your dm to visit.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 06/10/2022 15:36

Honestly it's your mums choice.

She may even be trying to give you and your husband some space to settle into your new family.

It doesn't sound like it was a solid plan so she hasn't 'jilted' you. And your sil is not responsible for your mums choices. Presumably she may also want to visit your brother.

Babdoc · 06/10/2022 15:37

OP, instead of talking to people on MN, you need to talk to your mum.
Put your case as to why you want her with you for the birth and early neonatal period. By her logic, she could just as easily go to Dubai in Jan or Feb, once you are settled in a routine.
I found it invaluable to have my MIL with me for the first week for each of my babies. She had 5 kids herself and eight other grandchildren, so was a mine of info and support to a new mum. And as DH injured his arm and couldn’t drive, she was essential for getting to the shops!
Your mum may not realise how desperately you want her help, and thinks it will just be a nice social visit to see the new baby. Talk to her!

Isaidnoalready · 06/10/2022 15:38

Are you at risk during this pregnancy? Or the baby? More than average I mean

Tomorrowisalatterday · 06/10/2022 15:39

Do you really want your mum there while you're in labour?

I think that's a time for you and your DH really, especially if she would have to stay with you

theonlygirl · 06/10/2022 15:41

I know I was extremely grateful for my staying when I had my first. Your mum can visit Dubai any time, and your brothers kids will still know its Xmas next year, but you'll only be a first time mum once and might be grateful of the help. Explain to your mum how you feel in terms of needing her.

lickenchugget · 06/10/2022 15:45

Yabu.

So what if something happens/complications/emergencies during my late pregnancy/labour and mum is over sunning herself on a beach in Dubai all because of pressure from my SIL?!

What were you expecting from your mum if this happens? I think you see yourself as above your SIL, but really you and your DB are equal to your mum.

Babies don’t tend to arrive on due dates anyway.

NarNooNarNoo · 06/10/2022 15:46

Totally get why you’re feeling upset about this. As others have said will your DH have some leave when the baby is born?

I was the other way round, really wanted some time to settle into having a baby then my mum helped out a few weeks later when my DH went back to work. But it’s your baby so tell your mum how you feel.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 06/10/2022 15:48

I also don't really understand why your dad doesn't feature because he isn't with your mum any more. In general, your post is very female focused - your mum, your SIL, not so much your dad, your DH, your DB

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/10/2022 15:49

My lovely DIL had her first baby earlier this year, and her mum was with her and my ds whilst she was in labour, and a lot after the birth - and it was an absolute godsend both for her and for my ds. We live a long way from them, so couldn’t be there to offer practical support during the labour and when they went home with their newborn baby, so we were so grateful they had that support.

My parents didn’t even come and see us when our babies were born, let alone offer any help. Dh’s parents were there more, when I had ds1, but couldn’t be there when we had ds2 and ds3, because we had moved further away - but my MIL in particular was very good at offering emotional support - and all the help they gave us was very welcome.

I think @BoogalooBoo’s situation is complicated by it being over Christmas, but in my opinion, being there for your daughter, when she’s having her first birthday - especially if you’ve already said that’s what you’ll do - trumps Christmas in the sun. If I were @BoogalooBoo‘s mum, I would stay with her whilst she has the baby, and settles into being a new mum, and then go out to see her son and his family in Dubai, and do a ‘second Christmas’ celebration with them.

Clearly @BoogalooBoo feels she needs and wants her mum’s help and support before, during and after labour - which isn’t to say everyone will feel the same way - I’d have hated to have my mum there while I was in labour because I know she wouldn’t have given me the support I needed (my MIL on the other hand, would have been great - and was great when she visited while I was in labour), but she does want her mum there, and I think her mum should honour her commitment to be there.

forrestgreen · 06/10/2022 15:51

Mum we've been talking for weeks/months about you being here for Xmas/new year. Are you blowing me off for Dubai?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/10/2022 15:53

Tomorrowisalatterday · 06/10/2022 15:48

Because she feels her mum (who has actually given birth herself) will be of more practical help during and after labour than her dad, @Tomorrowisalatterday. And maybe she doesn’t want her dad to watch her give birth. I loved my dad, but there is no way I’d have wanted him seeing a baby emerging from my fanjo!

Ponoka7 · 06/10/2022 15:55

She'll be more use three weeks in. Your baby will be more awake and you'll be starting to feel more tired. It can be a shock to new parents when their sleepy newborn is suddenly wanting to be interacted with, carried round etc. Both you and your Mum will get more out of her visit. You never know what's going to happen health-wise and your Mum might want to take the opportunity to go to Dubai while she can. She might be a Mum but she gets to sun herself when she decides to.

Ponoka7 · 06/10/2022 15:57

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius it doesn't explain why the OP is making out that it's the SIL that her Mum is going to visit and not her Son and grandchildren.

WaltzingWaters · 06/10/2022 15:58

You might prefer it to just be your DH around to begin with anyway. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone else staying with us then. A quick pop in visit sure, but not guests staying, even if that was DM.
she’ll come when your DH is back at work and you’re able to get out and about a little more.

Topee · 06/10/2022 15:59

I think Yabu for not wanting your Mum to go away in case you go into labour. There’s a fair chance she could go and still be back before you give birth.

If she’s not then you and your husband will cope just fine and your Mum can spend some time with you afterwards when you’ll appreciate her help most.

SuperCamp · 06/10/2022 16:00

Tell her.

”Oh, Mum, are you saying you are thinking of going to Dubai for Christmas? I can understand you would love to see Niece Nephew etc, and you must do what works best for you, but I do feel a bit heartbroken that you wouldn’t be there for the birth of my baby. I’ve been looking forward to it as our special NY… but baby grandchild and I will always love you so if you do go to Dubai you have to come straight back to us!”

Is your DH thoroughly chuffed at having your Mum present for Christmas, NY and birth?

TheCraicDealer · 06/10/2022 16:01

If you’re due NYE, unless they’re planning an induction because of your complications, it could be mid-Janauary before your baby rocks up anyway.

I get why you feel “dumped” I really do. But you may well find that her waiting til mid-January, to be there for you when you get out of hospital and/or your DH goes back to work after paternity leave could be much more practical than her being in Ireland with you both twiddling your thumbs waiting for you to go into labour. The best thing you can do right now is have an honest discussion with your mum and explain how you feel.

CreateOne · 06/10/2022 16:01

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2022 15:28

This. I'm sure there's a back story and I doubt YABU.

Catupatree123 · 06/10/2022 16:02

Babys don't always arrive on time, what if you are 10 days plus over, is your mum going to stay for weeks? I can understand why you are put out if you had plans though but practically having the support post birth may well be more helpful for you.

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