AIBU - Mum visiting SIL instead of me/new baby

[BoogalooBoo]

I’ll try to keep it short but I’ll give a bit of background.

I am pregnant with 1st baby – due on NYE. I have 2 older brothers who are married and have kids (ages 6 and downward). So this will be baby no. 5 in the family. One brother and family live in same hometown as my parents and see them all the time/have had free childcare for the last 6 years. Our parents separated decades ago, so they’re very much free agents and don’t do anything together so my dad doesn't really feature here. Other brother has lived with his family in Dubai for about 3 years. I moved to Ireland 5 years ago to work as a single 30-something, got married 2 years ago and now here we are expecting baby.

I am close to my mum and we have talked since I got pregnant about her staying with us for Christmas/NYE for when baby arrives, and so I’d just assumed this was happening.

SIL in Dubai has a tendency to moan about people not visiting (her own family have never been to Dubai or met their children) and I get that she can feel a bit lonely and cut off. But now it transpires that she’s been putting pressure on my mum to go over for Christmas. The way my mum is talking it sounds like she’s considering it and she’ll come to Ireland to visit me in January/February ‘after things have calmed down’.

Now, I don’t really give a hoot about who is where for Christmas day or NYE, but I’m having a baby this year (and may never again because I am high-risk). So what if something happens/complications/emergencies during my late pregnancy/labour and mum is over sunning herself on a beach in Dubai all because of pressure from my SIL?!

AIBU to feel jilted? I only found out a few days ago but it’s been starting to build up from mild disappointment/acceptance to feeling quite upset today.

Why are you singling out your SIL in all this? Why not your brother who your mum is visiting?

But now it transpires that she’s been putting pressure on my mum to go over for Christmas.

Aye, or maybe her and your brother just invited her without the gun to her head?

I wasn’t trying to address that, @Ponoka7 - the quote I was replying to was talking about @BoogalooBoo‘s dad, not the son, SIL and their kids.

Why don't you wait until your mum says where she plans to spend Xmas and NY before you get all stresssd?
Or just ask her.

Why is it you are focusing on the SIL not your brother/sister?

I don’t think the timing is that unusual. They have been in Dubai, 3 years. The last 2 christmases have been a pain for travel.

Its also Christmas. It’s not like the brother randomly invited his mum on Ops due date, for not particular reason.

What a horribly manipulative speech that is!

I think you're being a little silly- but that's fair enough. Presumably your husband will be off for the first couple of weeks after the baby is born.....your mum will be a bit of a third wheel- that's the time you get as a new family with little interference. Having you mum out when the baby is born and he's back at work will be much more useful. Plus you could very week go several weeks over, and your husband is (I assume) your main support. Having her for Christmas mbext year, when you're not hugely pregnant and have your child to enjoy it with, makes more sense in the long run.

I think YABU. I wouldn’t stay with new grandchildren in the first couple of weeks, when the immediate family unit needs to bond.
I’d have my holiday and come back hopefully fresh and ready to help when I’d probably be more useful.

I think all that seems sensible. You will have a young baby and you won't need the pressure of Christmas guests on top. Christmas is also a great time to go to Dubai so it all seems a perfect solution.

You didn't have firm plans in place. You had just talked about it generally.

Yanbu.
You will be getting to know a new person, learning latching/new positions to sit/lie in that are comfortable to feed in and will need to rely on people you can trust to come into your home to do the housework and ensure you are getting a sufficient enough nutrients to support you and your growing baby.
Traditionally women would all support each other within the family and ensure mum could spend at least a fortnight in bed and 40 days being cared for.

Your mum is opting to be catered for instead of supporting her child in this very sacred time. She would have likely have had support from her aunt's, mum, grandparents and sisters and isn't passing this on.

Very Cruel.

I really wouldn't be getting worked up about this, this is the 1st xmas in two years when people can travel, Your mother has said she will come in Jan. Your husband will be entitled to take paternity leave when your baby is born in Ireland, this timed with xmas holidays means depending on his job could finish the day before xmas eve and not back to work till the 16th Jan, he is around for support for three whole weeks. You are due new years eve however you could go over. Your mother coming end of jan is far better plus
she gets to spend xmas with her son and his family who she more than likely hasnt seen for more than two years

If you/baby are high risk then there’s a fair chance you may end up being in hospital before/after baby’s birth and your mum will be left visiting during visiting hours. She may well be better off going to your brothers and then being able to be about for you later.

For reference I was due mid July, baby was born Mid May… 🤷🏻‍♀️ Babies are unpredictable, she may be able to visit you before and then go on to your brother for christmas

Personally, I didn't want anyone with us when DC were born. It's a special time for you as a couple, meeting your little one, grappling with nappies, feeding and forming a bond. Why do you want your Mum there? She can visit afterwards when you're a bit more with it.

Thanks for the replies. General theme seems to be 'calm down, she'll be better placed to help a few weeks after baby arrives'. This sounds like the most sensible approach, I think rationally I know this but emotions don't always follow suit!
In terms of all the men being ignored - my dad is mid-70s and frail/unable to travel anyway (mum is early-60s). DB 1 in Dubai is quite apathetic and definitely not manipulative - I don't think SIL is either tbh, she's just disappointed with her own family and I think transferring it onto my mum. DB 2 keeps an eye on dad and will have him over for Christmas.
My DH will have leave and yes, all 3 of us sitting around twiddling our thumbs until potentially mid-January could get quite boring.
In terms of me being high-risk - I have epilepsy and at risk of seizures/cutting off oxygen to the baby, so we're both at risk. But equally everything could go smoothly. I guess I just thought mum would be nearby (even in England it's an hour's flight away) in case anything were to happen, and not in the middle east at the behest of her DIL. We'll definitely talk about it and just see what happens I guess!

You trust your mother? You love her? You have a good positive loving relationship with her?

if yes, why presume the negative and feel jilted

Your mother either really would love to visit your SIL and go on holiday, in which case - wish her well. Why make her feel shit?
or she knows a reason why sil so desperate ie lonely?

So she’s married to someone frail and can’t travel.

does it occur to you that this might be a really exciting opportunity for her?

Oh and Dubai DB has visited us in England with his family over the last 3 years for Christmas and this summer (yes, keeping within covid guidelines).

Tigerbus · Today 16:32
Yanbu.
You will be getting to know a new person, learning latching/new positions to sit/lie in that are comfortable to feed in and will need to rely on people you can trust to come into your home to do the housework and ensure you are getting a sufficient enough nutrients to support you and your growing baby.
Traditionally women would all support each other within the family and ensure mum could spend at least a fortnight in bed and 40 days being cared for.

Your mum is opting to be catered for instead of supporting her child in this very sacred time. She would have likely have had support from her aunt's, mum, grandparents and sisters and isn't passing this on.

Very Cruel“

don’t be daft. That’s what dad is for.

My DH will have leave and yes, all 3 of us sitting around twiddling our thumbs until potentially mid-January could get quite boring.

really? I’m a single parent with two so just three of us - and it’s wonderful, no “twiddling our thumbs”. Why would that be?

The more you say

the more it seems totally reasonable in fact a positive e that your mum may have this exciting Christmas break on the cards.

@Doingprettywellthanks my parents have been separated for about 30 years and have absolutely nothing to do with each other. And 3 of us would be me, DH and my mum witting around waiting for me to go into labour - like an earlier poster pointed out.

Blimey 🙄

So lovely! Let her go and tell her to have a wonderful time and send lots of pics!

Can your mum pop over in early December before she goes to Dubai? Then she can go off for Xmas in the sun and come back to you mid January. I think late pg is a special time and I’d have been sorry not to have my mum around at that time for my first. Agree that it’s pretty special to bring your first baby home with your dp too, your mum may well feel like she’s in the way if she’s staying at your home at that time, and she will be more help later on.

I’ve just been ditched by my parents as they’ve accepted a Christmas dinner invitation to my acopic brother and SIL’s despite having previously accepted an invitation to my house on Christmas Day, so you have my sympathy.

But none of you have visited him? I can kinda see why he and SIL might feel like it's their turn to have someone visit them if they have done all the travel with young children up to now.