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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU child's father in prison

76 replies

thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 11:33

Didn't really know where else to ask any of this.

My child's father has been sent to prison. It's come totally out of the blue, he didn't tell anyone and we were only told once he was already there, he was an incredibly involved and active parent and we've lost that support as well as his maintenance payments. The financial side is a blow, but mostly my child is devastated and can't understand why she can't see her dad anymore. He won't let the children see or speak to him, I'm not sure why.
I've called everyone I can think of and there seems to be no support for this, her school are giving her some space to talk but we are down £400 a month, I now have none of the additional childcare he provided (for lack of a better word) and I'm suddenly a lone parent after happilyco-parenting for over half a decade.

I also have to reconcile the version of him I thought I knew with the crimes he pled guilty to. I'm in shock as well.

Half of us are sure he didn't do it but can't work out why he pled guilty, the other half are in acceptance that he must have done these things (I'm the latter, I work in the legal sector and can't wrap my head around any other reason than he pled guilty because he's guilty and the evidence was overwhelming).

I don't know who to be angry at or where to go, I feel ashamed and embarrassed and honestly co-parenting in the way we did was a huge part of my identity. I was proud of it. My daughter loves her dad, he's not missed a weekend in 5 years, it's all gone without warning and I feel we've got nowhere to turn. Lots of people seem to expect us to feel a sense of "good riddance" and move on but we can't. He was a fantastic dad and a brilliant Co-parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 11:34

Essentially asking, is there any support available? Where do we go from here? How do we begin to make sense of what's happened?

OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 06/10/2022 11:37

Where ate you op? Long shot but we work with Nepacs who support prisoner’s families in the north east and are absolutely fab.
you could always drop them a call and see if they can refer you to something covering your area?

Original poster
thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 11:40

@Mangogogogo we are down South, I will call them on my break and see what they suggest, thank you

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 06/10/2022 11:46

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. It is not uncommon for prisoners to not want their DC to see them in prison.

Unfortunately the only charity I know that works with families is Families Outside but they only cover Scotland. There will be support there somewhere for your DD.

GetOffTheRoof · 06/10/2022 11:52

If it's sexual offences, has he been identified as a risk to children? Any sex offender orders etc? If so, that will be a problem for him trying to stay in contact with his daughter.

Do you know which prison he's in? You can contact here www.gov.uk/find-prisoner if you don't know, then you / your daughter (if it's allowed) can write to him.

www.prisonersfamilies.org/useful-links - great resource for England prisons.

His jail might also have the Storybook Dad's programme where he can record bedtime stories for her: www.storybookdads.org.uk/ - he'll to apply to do this, and if he's a risk to children then it may not be permitted.

Cakecakecheese · 06/10/2022 11:53

When was the last time he saw your child? Was he out on bail and pretended everything was fine? I know he probably struggled with accepting he was going to prison but he could have made this a lot easier for your child by giving you a heads up and could have told her he was going away and said goodbye. The suddenness of it all doesn't help matters at all.

Do you speak to his family? Would they help out at all? Maybe Citizens Advice can put you in the right direction of any support you can get.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/10/2022 11:55

Storybook Dads are an excellent charity to get in touch with. They work with parents in prison to record and video themselves reading bedtime stories to send to their children - helping them to maintain relationships and recognising that children shouldn’t lose a relationship with one of their parents when they’re in prison and that children experience loss, stigma and often shame of having a parent in prison. www.storybookdads.org.uk

Obviously doesn’t help with the financial of childcare aspect, but in terms of helping to support your DC definitely worth seeing if they operate in his prison.

Catupatree123 · 06/10/2022 12:03

You mention he won't see the children, are there others aside from your daughter? Can you reach out for support from the other parent/s

Booklover3 · 06/10/2022 12:26

Sounds incredibly hard OP. I’m very sorry for you but unfortunately nothing to add

HangOnToYourself · 06/10/2022 12:28

How old is your child and how long is his sentence? I've actually been through this when DD was a baby, thankfully she was too young to understand and he was out by the time she was 4 (obviously we are no longer together). If you want any advice regarding visiting him etc or just a shouldr to cry on from someone who understands please feel.free to DM me.
In terms.of support there wasnt much really when I went through it, just make sure all your UC claims are updated to reflect the situation

LMCOA · 06/10/2022 12:30

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Musti · 06/10/2022 12:34

No experience but I think it depends on your child’s age and what he did and how long he will be in prison for.

Rogue1001MNer · 06/10/2022 12:35

Google

Children heard and seen

Original poster
thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 12:36

To answer the questions in one:

The crimes aren't against children, he has another child, I'm in contact with most of his family and other child's mum so the kids can still see each other, also in contact with his partner. We all co-parented together so that's been easy to facilitate in a way.

Without being overly identifying the children are late KS1 and early secondary school age, his sentence is several years but he may do half of that as most do.

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 06/10/2022 12:38

Also PACT - prison advice and care trust

I'm sorry you're going through this

SpinningFloppa · 06/10/2022 12:44

Not me but happened to someone I know, he’s still there now has been for about 3 years, the children don’t visit him as she hasn’t told them he is in prison and I don’t think he wants them to know either so she says he is working away, he calls to speak to them not sure how they’ve not guessed yet being so many years he has been gone now. I don’t believe there is any financial support for this no.

ihatewinter2 · 06/10/2022 12:47

OP I used to be a prison officer many years ago. Try speaking to PACT as another PP has said, or try POPs (partners of prisoners - I know you're not his partner but they should still help).

It's quite common for someone to not want any visits when they are first sentenced, especially from their children however most will come round to this.

Lots of prisons do 'family days' where it would be full of games / food / lots of children / someone taking photos and you really wouldn't know you were in a prison. Hopefully he will accept a visit from his partner and then be able to see the visits hall and assess if he would want his children there.

Send him some stamps ASAP so that he is able to write, he most probably won't have any phone credit for 7-10 days after his initial £1/£2 that they give you.

He will also need some money sending in if he didn't take any so that he is able to purchase phone credit before he gets a job in the prison as this can sometimes take a while.

Depending how long he got he will only serve half and if it's under 4 years he should be eligible for tag for the last few month of his release.

He will also be able to apply for Cat D for the last two years of his half of the sentence, where he would be able to get a job on the outside and have 'home leave' where he could visit home as long as his behaviour inside is good.

I'm so sorry. It used to break my heart when I would see children saying goodbye to their daddy after a visit. But they still hugged them with so much love. It will hurt but it won't hurt forever. It seems like the end of the world but I promise it won't be.

Always here for a PM if you need any specific advice that I might be able to help with - what you can send in ect. Xx

GetOffTheRoof · 06/10/2022 15:24

Times have moved on a bit since @ihatewinter2 keft the Prisons. Please don't send in stamps until you know if he's allowed them. It currently varies from prison to prison). They may suggest you send him money and he can buy his own stamps.

There's also now the "Email a Prisoner" scheme where you can send them an email which is printed off and handed to them. It costs 40p per email to send in - www.gov.uk/staying-in-touch-with-someone-in-prison/email-and-social-media. Depending on which establishment he's in, he may be able to reply that way as well.

It's all part of preventing drug-laced paper from coming into prisons.

He'll definitely be able to send and receive letters, but obviously emails are easier in a lot of ways for you.

There also now video visits which were set up during lockdowns. It's known as "Purple Visits" and means you an make a video call with him - possibly something he'd be happier to do to speak to his daughter once he's got his bearings?

cantcope88 · 06/10/2022 15:31

I'm sorry your going through this, all of the above charities are amazing to get information from. You will not receive any financial support from anywhere as he is not earning now.

However I'm confused as to how he, his partner or family didn't tell you he was on bail or arrested.

CoralBells · 06/10/2022 15:33

Sorry to hear this op. I really hope you are entitled to benefit support. After all you and your children are not at fault

ihatewinter2 · 06/10/2022 16:06

GetOffTheRoof · 06/10/2022 15:24

Times have moved on a bit since @ihatewinter2 keft the Prisons. Please don't send in stamps until you know if he's allowed them. It currently varies from prison to prison). They may suggest you send him money and he can buy his own stamps.

There's also now the "Email a Prisoner" scheme where you can send them an email which is printed off and handed to them. It costs 40p per email to send in - www.gov.uk/staying-in-touch-with-someone-in-prison/email-and-social-media. Depending on which establishment he's in, he may be able to reply that way as well.

It's all part of preventing drug-laced paper from coming into prisons.

He'll definitely be able to send and receive letters, but obviously emails are easier in a lot of ways for you.

There also now video visits which were set up during lockdowns. It's known as "Purple Visits" and means you an make a video call with him - possibly something he'd be happier to do to speak to his daughter once he's got his bearings?

A quick text to several currently serving prison officers shows you can still send in stamps :)

ihatewinter2 · 06/10/2022 16:08

GetOffTheRoof · 06/10/2022 15:24

Times have moved on a bit since @ihatewinter2 keft the Prisons. Please don't send in stamps until you know if he's allowed them. It currently varies from prison to prison). They may suggest you send him money and he can buy his own stamps.

There's also now the "Email a Prisoner" scheme where you can send them an email which is printed off and handed to them. It costs 40p per email to send in - www.gov.uk/staying-in-touch-with-someone-in-prison/email-and-social-media. Depending on which establishment he's in, he may be able to reply that way as well.

It's all part of preventing drug-laced paper from coming into prisons.

He'll definitely be able to send and receive letters, but obviously emails are easier in a lot of ways for you.

There also now video visits which were set up during lockdowns. It's known as "Purple Visits" and means you an make a video call with him - possibly something he'd be happier to do to speak to his daughter once he's got his bearings?

The email a prisoner is a good shout though, I forgot about that. They normally get the emails the day after you send them and some (but not all) prisons let you pay extra for a sheet they can reply on. You'd then get a scanned copy of the sheet to your email address.

ihatewinter2 · 06/10/2022 16:10

@GetOffTheRoof sorry, I pressed send too soon on my first message and it was meant to say 'to at least three prisons but obviously some high security ones might not allow them' and I've just read it back and il unsure if it came across rude. If it did it wasn't meant to x

Original poster
thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 16:14

@Mangogogogo
None of us knew! I knew he'd been arrested as social services called but like I said, I've only ever known one side of him, he assured me it was a spiteful report and social services (who were involved as the report had mentioned the children may be with him at time of arrest- they weren't), and I didn't hear of it again.
He only told his partner a few months ago, but didn't tell her he had pled guilty. She thought his sentencing was his actual trial and wasn't expecting him to not come home either. We are all very shocked as a result.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 16:15

Sorry tagged wrong person, was meant for @cantcope88

OP posts: