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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU child's father in prison

76 replies

thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 11:33

Didn't really know where else to ask any of this.

My child's father has been sent to prison. It's come totally out of the blue, he didn't tell anyone and we were only told once he was already there, he was an incredibly involved and active parent and we've lost that support as well as his maintenance payments. The financial side is a blow, but mostly my child is devastated and can't understand why she can't see her dad anymore. He won't let the children see or speak to him, I'm not sure why.
I've called everyone I can think of and there seems to be no support for this, her school are giving her some space to talk but we are down £400 a month, I now have none of the additional childcare he provided (for lack of a better word) and I'm suddenly a lone parent after happilyco-parenting for over half a decade.

I also have to reconcile the version of him I thought I knew with the crimes he pled guilty to. I'm in shock as well.

Half of us are sure he didn't do it but can't work out why he pled guilty, the other half are in acceptance that he must have done these things (I'm the latter, I work in the legal sector and can't wrap my head around any other reason than he pled guilty because he's guilty and the evidence was overwhelming).

I don't know who to be angry at or where to go, I feel ashamed and embarrassed and honestly co-parenting in the way we did was a huge part of my identity. I was proud of it. My daughter loves her dad, he's not missed a weekend in 5 years, it's all gone without warning and I feel we've got nowhere to turn. Lots of people seem to expect us to feel a sense of "good riddance" and move on but we can't. He was a fantastic dad and a brilliant Co-parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 16:19

@CoralBells maybe I'm naive but I was surprised that the state don't pick up at least some of the maintenance, the children are innocent and with the cost of living crisis it's a knock, I work full time and his maintenance payments covered wrap around child care and gymnastics club so going to have to have a bit of a shuffle of finances to compensate but some families must really struggle when an earner goes to prison.

OP posts:
WhatHaveIDone21 · 06/10/2022 16:36

@thelongwayhome I have been where you are except I knew he was being sentenced.

I had 2 small children at the time and it was hard losing the financial and physical support. Email a prisoner was great and he called every night. He is no longer in prison but I think some places allow face time calls to children now so that may be a possibility depending on where he is.

DD1 did visit him when he was in a Cat D prison and it was fine. Didn't feel like a prison at all. I wouldn't have taken her before he moved there though. I suppose it depends how long he will be away DD2 never went as she was too young and he was home by the time she was 3.

I spoke to an organisation who deal specifically with children who have parents in prison and they were able to give lots of support.

It is very isolating and you feel alone but it actually affects more people than you realise.

cantcope88 · 06/10/2022 16:49

yes many families struggle when an earner is sent to prison. However he is in prison for a certain amount of time (obviously unsure of his sentence) bare in mind his mortgage/rent, any debt he has now will be affected, also in the future. You need to focus on trying to keeping the communication between your daughter and father. Write emails and keep him updated of what is going on her life.

cantcope88 · 06/10/2022 16:50

make sure you benefit claims if any are up to date. I won't get into a debate about the state picking up the pieces lol

Original poster
thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 17:08

@cantcope88 his partner is going to continue with all the rent and car insurance payments etc. whilst he's inside, his job will be there when he comes out too so he won't be coming out to a shell of his former life thankfully.
DD doesn't want to talk about daddy right now which is quite hard, I've never once spoken negatively of him in front of her and trying to keep up those conversations we usually have about him and his other half when she's at home with me but she either runs off or covers her ears and says "do not say that anymore " (her go-to when a conversation is uncomfortable). I do remind her that he loves her a lot but it's a lot to take in for a child :(

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 06/10/2022 17:11

Are you being serious about the “state”
picking it up? Even if they did it would be £7 as he isn’t working. And that would be split between all the children. Not each.

Noteverybodylives · 06/10/2022 17:42

Give yourself a few days to come to terms with it.

There should be support for his children on how to cope with this and I would speak to the school so they can give her a bit of extra support and will understand if there are any changes in behaviour which I’m sure there will be, especially for the older siblings.

The CMS is worked out on how much someone earns.
If he does earn anything in prison it will be a pittance and probably not transferable anyway.

I would do a UC claim as I believe you have to declare it and so you might now get some help through UC but again it won’t be as much.

You could ask his family members if they can help out with childcare if you need it for work etc.

This must be a massive shock for you and you need time to adjust.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 06/10/2022 17:42

There's not any financial support available unfortunately.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 06/10/2022 17:44

thelongwayhome · 06/10/2022 16:19

@CoralBells maybe I'm naive but I was surprised that the state don't pick up at least some of the maintenance, the children are innocent and with the cost of living crisis it's a knock, I work full time and his maintenance payments covered wrap around child care and gymnastics club so going to have to have a bit of a shuffle of finances to compensate but some families must really struggle when an earner goes to prison.

Omg really OP 😳😳😳

girlfriend44 · 06/10/2022 17:47

Shame he didn't think about his kids then you wouldn't have thus worry now..

I'd be fuming at the fact he didn't think of his kids and the impact on them.

MrsPinkCock · 06/10/2022 17:53

Are you sure his employers are willing to keep his job open for a number of years despite him now having a criminal record?!

that wouldn’t be usual practice…

AgathaMystery · 06/10/2022 17:57

OP you must be in shock. This is so, so strange.

gogohmm · 06/10/2022 18:00

I worked with a project called bedtime stories (think so was 12 years ago) and they arranged for prisoners to record bedtime stories for primary aged and younger kids. We were in the midlands but I think it was at multiple locations

namechange202086 · 06/10/2022 18:08

I see several posters have expressed shock/disagreement OP has suggested state should help family financially.

You clearly have absolutely no idea of the impact this can have on the life of those left behind. Not only the loss of the parent but also financial hardship. Of course, people shouldn't be rewarded for crime but the life circumstances of the family are changed. I speak from experience, when I say it is traumatic and life altering for the child.

The children didn't have a role in the crime but are punished and suffer regardless. Try and have some empathy.

GreyBlossom · 06/10/2022 18:10

What on earth does he do that his job will still be there after several years in prison?

TeaAndBrie · 06/10/2022 18:12

Apologies if it’s already been mentioned but Ormiston families offer a lot of support and can help you navigate the prison system.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/10/2022 18:14

I don't have any advice but just to say please don't feel ashamed. Your grieving a person who hasn't died (the person you knew) to his crimes.

It's well documented that some serial killers have also been loving partners and fathers. Just because someone commits a crime, it doesn't erase the good qualities they had, but I totally it does tend to over shadow things.

I do know that people who commit DV can get specialist therapy (for the margin of one's that reform) so I really do hope there's some resources to help you. Can you apply universal credits ?

lickenchugget · 06/10/2022 18:19

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 06/10/2022 17:44

Omg really OP 😳😳😳

Show quote history

I know!

YourSpleenIsDamp · 06/10/2022 18:20

childrenheardandseen.co.uk/ Children Heard and Seen is an amazing charity which supports prisoners' families - highly recommend (I used to work in a prison)

lickenchugget · 06/10/2022 18:24

namechange202086 · 06/10/2022 18:08

I see several posters have expressed shock/disagreement OP has suggested state should help family financially.

You clearly have absolutely no idea of the impact this can have on the life of those left behind. Not only the loss of the parent but also financial hardship. Of course, people shouldn't be rewarded for crime but the life circumstances of the family are changed. I speak from experience, when I say it is traumatic and life altering for the child.

The children didn't have a role in the crime but are punished and suffer regardless. Try and have some empathy.

People can have empathy while also believing that it’s not for the state to pick up maintenance bills of criminals.

cantcope88 · 06/10/2022 18:26

If his employer is keeping his job open then I’m using my better judgement and saying he’s only had a couple of months rather than years. FYI he will need to inform his car insurance once he’s released. His premium will quadruple. If it is a short sentence then say he’s in hospital and can’t have any visitors. That’s the main approach. Or working away.

SomeSquirrelsAreBlack · 06/10/2022 18:31

It must be quite a serious offence, courts are pretty lenient these days

SomeSquirrelsAreBlack · 06/10/2022 18:36

Just going by the court reports in my local paper.

SomeSquirrelsAreBlack · 06/10/2022 18:37

And he pleaded guilty. People normally plead guilty to avoid prison. What did he do op?

cooolio · 06/10/2022 18:46

Why didn't he make provisions for his kids in the meantime? Sounds like an arrogant tosser with all his women and kids and lies.

Selfish or what? Who was making the "spiteful" false allegation that he confessed to in the end? Was it a woman?