AIBU child's father in prison

[thelongwayhome]

Didn't really know where else to ask any of this.

My child's father has been sent to prison. It's come totally out of the blue, he didn't tell anyone and we were only told once he was already there, he was an incredibly involved and active parent and we've lost that support as well as his maintenance payments. The financial side is a blow, but mostly my child is devastated and can't understand why she can't see her dad anymore. He won't let the children see or speak to him, I'm not sure why.
I've called everyone I can think of and there seems to be no support for this, her school are giving her some space to talk but we are down £400 a month, I now have none of the additional childcare he provided (for lack of a better word) and I'm suddenly a lone parent after happilyco-parenting for over half a decade.

I also have to reconcile the version of him I thought I knew with the crimes he pled guilty to. I'm in shock as well.

Half of us are sure he didn't do it but can't work out why he pled guilty, the other half are in acceptance that he must have done these things (I'm the latter, I work in the legal sector and can't wrap my head around any other reason than he pled guilty because he's guilty and the evidence was overwhelming).

I don't know who to be angry at or where to go, I feel ashamed and embarrassed and honestly co-parenting in the way we did was a huge part of my identity. I was proud of it. My daughter loves her dad, he's not missed a weekend in 5 years, it's all gone without warning and I feel we've got nowhere to turn. Lots of people seem to expect us to feel a sense of "good riddance" and move on but we can't. He was a fantastic dad and a brilliant Co-parent.

S’drugs isn’t it?

What are you on about? My ex doesn’t pay any maintenance for our kid’s and he isn’t in prison! Cms or the government won’t do anything about it so they are hardly going to step in and provide for someone’s kids who has committed a crime and been sent to prison! They won’t even make the ones aren’t in prison pay! So yes I do know!

And people have sympathy but the children won’t be getting money because he committed a crime (guessing drugs as well) and that’s on him.
why do you think the government will step in here?

@thelongwayhome - I am so sorry for you and your child - you didn't say their age.

You can send money to her father to top up his mobile phone - he can call her - but you must intercept the calls because they start with a statement that the call is from someone in a UK prison and will you accept the call.

The prisoners can video chat but you should trial this as I assume it's obvious, they are in prison,

Any child older than a toddler would be aware of the airport style security/prison sniffer dogs to visit an inmate. Not sure this would be beneficial when voice/video calls are available. There is such stigma to having a father in prison

Can your dc have contact via purple visits, which is the video call app? You can usually book a half hour slot to speak using this. There are also emails as mentioned above.

I think this must be a horrible shock for you both. Can the school access some space for your dc to speak about the loss of contact with his dad, maybe via the school nurse? Something like play therapy can be good at KS1 age.

I have no solution about the financial element. I think I'd be really angry that his actions had let you and his dc down like this.

My dad was in prison many times when I was a kid. He wasn't a good father though so I didn't miss him. Some parents were incredibly snobby about their children being friends with me, as if I was going to be a bad influence, prepare yourself for the arseholes.

It’s not OP’s fault. It’s not her child’s fault. It’s a real shame they will suffer financial detriment and miss a hands-on involved dad. Sorry OP must be very hard

You clearly have absolutely no idea of the impact this can have on the life of those left behind. Not only the loss of the parent but also financial hardship. Of course, people shouldn't be rewarded for crime but the life circumstances of the family are changed. I speak from experience, when I say it is traumatic and life altering for the child.

Although I completely agree that it’s so unfair on the child and not the child’s fault.

We can’t expect other people to pay as surely a massive deterrent for not going to jail is because you know your child will suffer.

I would purposely commit a crime or put myself at risk of committing a crime because I am a single parent and know that I have a responsibility to raise my child physically, mentally and financially.

I have life insurance so if I die then my child will still have financial support.

My child’s dad doesn’t pay any maintenance but I don’t expect the state to pay in his place.

The state already pays child benefit. I don’t think it’s fair to pay maintenance on top for the children of every person who is in jail.

This is a really good podcast about a woman who's husband goes to prison. She talks about her experiences, and those of her children.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p09dw8k3

Oh please don't worry - I was probably rude 😂 It may be a regional thing - SW & Wales have been trialling it for some time in specific prisons, so may not have rolled out further afield. The women's estate especially have stopped it though.

OP contact Children Heard and Seen they are a brilliant charity for children of prisoners.

Good lord, the OP had zero notice or expectation of this. She would have had no reason to be familiar with the arrangements when a non resident parent goes to jail. No need to be critical of this for a person who has clearly had a nasty shock.

I glad im not the only one who's a little shocked at some of these comments (thankfully a good majority have been kind and helpful) but op or their child haven't committed a crime and asking a question on this topic shouldn't be met with such distain iMO or mockery.

It wasn't that uncommon to hear this in prisons, especially if they were a builder / electrician ect

I would take yourself off this Aibu now OP. You’ve got some good advice to point you in the right direction but the claws are out for you.

you sound like you’re doing well. It’s such a shocking thing to come to terms with when it happens with a loved one. Despite what he may or may not have done you have done nothing wrong.

hope you get some answers and a bit of an action plan over the coming weeks. Stay strong

i think he wa slefish not to tell you he would be pleading gulty and probably a prison sentence rather tha just leave you to find out you wont be getting his money anymore

dont think you can do much about the money-how long did he get

@SpinningFloppa deadly serious. We will be fine, for some families that's the cost of heating the house for a bit for their children. It's not the child's fault that mummy or daddy is in prison.

And it should go without saying the money is the least of my concern, it's an inconvenience at worst. Would rather he had not done whatever he did and was here with us.

Sorry to be drip feeding, has been a busy week.

He works for a family member in construction.

In terms of the spiteful report which someone asked about, parts of the social services report she subsequently made were spiteful and untrue, she had never met me yet claimed in the report she had met me along with my child at a specific time to which I could prove my child was in her holiday club, for example.
She was a brief ex fling of his that he was seeing when he spilt up with his long term partner (briefly, they are back together now). She is also the ex partner of my partner's best friend, and by all accounts she isn't a nice person. She smacked her child in front of mine, and told my child to lie to me about her being at her dad's place at certain times. She sent a string of nasty messages to myself, and his current partner, but that doesn't mean that he didn't do what she accused him of at the end of the day, and we are coming to terms with that. Whether he pled guilty to get it out of the way or not, in the eyes of the law he is guilty.

As for the length of the sentence, the charges he was convicted of wouldn't usually warrant that long a sentence (3 years to serve half with the rest on licence) but it appears he has prior convictions and I assume was on licence for the last one still (class B possession with intent to supply). Again, we weren't aware, but upon looking on the Law Pages and the local paper's "in the court this week" segment, we did find these.

I don't need to defend my choices, but we had a baby together many years ago when I was quite young. I am incredibly law abiding, I am going to start my TC to qualify as a solicitor soon, I don't typically know criminals. It is a shock, and his family didn't know because he just didn't tell them. He didn't tell his partner either until shortly before the sentencing. She didn't know he'd pled guilty until I told her after I rang the local courts. I would have thought residential parents would be informed by social services of charges and convictions but the only time we were informed was the point of arrest, and I must say it did seem far fetched at the time and still does, and as we didn't hear anymore, I assumed that was the end of it.

We have been in touch with some helpful organisations and the school has been helpful. When a parent is involved, active, and loving toward a child, it's hard for them to comprehend why that is suddenly taken away.

Its sad, we are allowed to feel sad, and betrayed, it's a horrid shock.

@girlfriend44 I don't think fuming is even the word.

@cooolio either arrogant or unbelievably stupid. It was a woman, see above post for more info on that. That being said, it's hard for me to figure out what really happened. I don't think it's usual for men to abuse one partner and one partner only, but I'm not an expert on psychology who who knows.

Well, he's certainly managed to cover up who he really is. A drug dealing woman beater, classy. And lying through his teeth and failing to protect his children, all to save face.

Scumbag. He pleaded guilty because he was guilty. Violence, drugs, lies, sleaze, women and poor kids all over the place.

@thelongwayhome please look up a charity called Children Seen and Heard - it supports families / kids in exactly this situation.

I really feel for you, this must be incredibly tough on you both.

@cooolio it wasn't beating, battery etc. Don't want to be too outing so unfortunately can't share specifics. Funnily, she has a history of violence herself. As I said, it's hard to know what to think. Aside from the mother of his other child and his current parter of more than half a decade, I know two of his other ex partners and he never so much as shouted at us. He's never shouted at the children. I always joked with other mother about how you physically couldn't argue with him because he wouldn't engage. I was in an abusive relationship for a period of time and there were never any of those warning signs with DD's dad as there were with my ex. But who would plead guilty to that if they hadn't done it?
Part of me wonders if he pled guilty because he thought, like his other sentence, it'd be a fine and a community order. But part of me will always wonder if he pled guilty because like you say, he is guilty. Have definitely found these things a big surprise, that's for sure. He has always been a private person, but there are certain things that you are morally obligated to share in my opinion, and he was incredibly wrong for not informing us at any point.

@mumyes thank you. It has been very hard, in many ways, finding our new normal at the mo

What a shock for you, OP