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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel shit at their comments

54 replies

Rosebel · 05/10/2022 21:37

At work today and two of my colleagues were talking about their children. Basically about how one of them uses no childcare (works school hours and no holidays). Other only works 3 days but has family who help out so she uses limited childcare.
Lots of comments about how they could never use full-time childcare and about how they don't understand women who take less than a year maternity leave.
I work compressed hours (49 hours over 4 days) so my son is in childcare from 8 until 6 4 days a week and I had to go back to work when he was 7 months old. They both know this because we all work in the childcare setting that my son attends.
I actually do enjoy my job but now feel like the worst mum in the world., like I'm doing the worst thing for my son.
And I feel really judged. Do you think I'm unreasonable to have been in tears over their comments (not at work. I heid it together until I got home).? Am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
Wakinguptooearly · 05/10/2022 21:40

You're not being over-sensitive. They were being insensitive.
You are doing the best you can and you're son gets three days a week with you plus lots of socialising.
Don't compare their situation to yours. Have confidence that you are doing what works for you and yours. That is all any of us can do.

Namechanger355 · 05/10/2022 21:40

They are stupid for judging and insensitive - and entitled

many many women have done what you have done - including myself. And also you can never win - there are women who will judge other women who don’t go back to work quickly

so try to ignore if you can - you are doing a great job

thepriceoffish · 05/10/2022 21:43

They both know this because we all work in the childcare setting that my son attends. they probably shouldn't be working in a childcare setting if that's how they feel. Utter disgrace.

SussexRoyal · 05/10/2022 21:44

They're completely out of touch. Pretty much all of my friends have gone back to work full time, many of them putting their children in daycare for longer hours than you are. My boss is taking 3.5 months maternity leave next year. Yes I must admit I felt guilty sending my DD to daycare from 8 months old but I am doing it to give her better opportunities, plus the time I do spend with her is truly special.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2022 21:45

As you work in a childcare setting they wouldn’t have jobs if people didn’t need childcare.

I know someone who used to work in a nursery, she was soooo judgy about parents using childcare which was baffling and ridiculous anyway given it paid her bills.

She was a very vocal SAHM till she found her son quite hard work so puts him in nursery part time even though she doesn’t work.

Some people are just dicks. You’re doing the best thing for your family.

HighlandPony · 05/10/2022 21:47

I think you’re being over sensitive. Since your son is in the place you work they probably don’t class you in the same category as the women they are referring to (like my mother - you sound nothing like her)

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 05/10/2022 21:50

You're not being unreasonable no, or overly sensitive. My first DD was in nursery from 9 months part time and my 2nd will be going full time from the same age. I would love to not have to pay the hundreds of pounds each month but I also know we will have a much easier life if I'm working. You're doing what is right for you so ignore what anyone else says

LoupsGarous · 05/10/2022 21:58

So these people only have jobs because other parents choose to work outside of the home?

I went back early from maternity leave, and DS wasn’t in FT childcare since the age of 8 months. I can honestly say it has never cost me a second thought.

Lightsoutallout · 05/10/2022 21:59

Lucky them.

Not everyone is in the same boat and has to go back to work to afford to live.
My son is in nursery 3.5 days per week whilst I work. He loves nursery and picks so much up (including colds!) and we've noticed a difference in him. Even if I didn't have to work I would still send my son to nursery for a day or so per week. Sometimes the mum guilt kicks in but honestly I'm doing my best at being a mum and having a career and hopefully one day my son will see how hard we've worked to make sure we can live a lovely life.
Ignore them xx

Invisimamma · 05/10/2022 22:02

They were being insensitive and I can see how it made you feel that way.

But they're also entitled to feel the way they do and make choices that work for their families as you have done for yours.

49 hours is a lot though, do you need to work such long days? Full time at my work is 35hrs and 37 at DPs.

Original poster
Rosebel · 05/10/2022 22:12

49 was a typo. I meant 40.
Absolutely they can feel how they want and do what works best for them but the difference is I wouldn't judge them for it or critise them for it.
I will try to ignore it. DS loves nursery but I obviously miss him to bits and wish I could work less hours but unfortunately I can't so that's it.
I did point out that without working parents we wouldn't be working either but they said there's no need to work full time and they should ask family to help. (I didn't bother to point out the many reasons why that's not possible for lots of people including me).
I'm sure they did include me in their conversation about mums working full time hours.
It's harsh. Deep down I know DS is fine but mum guilt is bad enough without your colleagues making it worse.

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 05/10/2022 22:14

They were being insensitive. Just know that you can't win. If you stay at home you'll be judged. If you go to work you'll be judged. Mothers are just judged period.

Chdjdn · 05/10/2022 22:15

I remember this happening when a woman at work was pregnant and saying similar; I politely pointed out that not everyone has the choices they have and that everyone is doing the best they can in their own circumstances. She was quite quickly embarrassed at how insensitive shed been and tried to backtrack. At the time I was upset but on reflection she was just narrow minded and I don’t hold it against her

Chdjdn · 05/10/2022 22:18

Also at one point we had a lot of help from family and it was a bloody nightmare and I was so pleased to go back to using formal childcare. My son was just as happy in either environment and his development was much better in childcare so family is not necessarily better

TwoWrightFeet · 05/10/2022 22:26

You are the bigger person here. Sorry you have to work with people with such shallow minds.

thepriceoffish · 05/10/2022 22:27

It's disgusting that they talk about their customers like that

Devon01 · 05/10/2022 22:33

I'm sure, God forbid, their circumstances change and they lose their childcare and/ or have to work full-time hours, their opinion would change in a flash. Good for them they are in such a fortunate position to work the hours and have the help they do, but they are in the minority and they're are probably a lot more parents in your position than theirs. I can understand why you might feel upset by their insensitive comments but you are truly doing nothing wrong.

nutbrownhare15 · 05/10/2022 22:34

Dad's never get these kind of comments about working full time. Mothers are supposed to feel guilty whatever they do. I think that translates into people looking down on others who have made different decisions to themselves. It shouldn't be like that.

Mariposista · 05/10/2022 22:35

I'm going to flip it round and judge her right back in her face.
I COULD NEEEEVER (adopt whiny voice) give up my job and pander to my children 24/7 because the would make me a boring, frustrated and unfulfilled person. I want to set a good example to my kid that money doesn't grow on trees and mummy doesn't merely exist for you.
I COULD NEEEEEEEEVER not prepare my kid for the reality of school by using nursery/CM. Who wouldn't want to be the parent of the reception child clinging to them and howling.

Sarky comments aside, ignore this piece of filth OP (bit harsh maybe hehe). You are doing what you need to do, to earn money and provide for your family, and to safeguard your own economic future and mental health. You are doing just fine.

KarokeandGin · 05/10/2022 22:38

Both of them have other people supporting these decisions, either financially or with practical childcare support. They are very dense not to see that. Please don’t let their thoughtless comments get to you, you sound like a wonderful Mum and your son is lucky to have you. For what it’s worth I went into full time childcare at 3 months old and my mum (and Dad, but no one ever seems to worry about them!) worked full time, I think they’re both great.

HighlandPony · 05/10/2022 22:40

Mariposista · 05/10/2022 22:35

I'm going to flip it round and judge her right back in her face.
I COULD NEEEEVER (adopt whiny voice) give up my job and pander to my children 24/7 because the would make me a boring, frustrated and unfulfilled person. I want to set a good example to my kid that money doesn't grow on trees and mummy doesn't merely exist for you.
I COULD NEEEEEEEEVER not prepare my kid for the reality of school by using nursery/CM. Who wouldn't want to be the parent of the reception child clinging to them and howling.

Sarky comments aside, ignore this piece of filth OP (bit harsh maybe hehe). You are doing what you need to do, to earn money and provide for your family, and to safeguard your own economic future and mental health. You are doing just fine.

That actually sounds like my mothers approach to child rearing. It’s also the reason she rarely sees her grandkids, barely any of her surviving kids see her and the only one who does is an addict who wants money. Or a clean piss test. When kids grow up not feeling like a priority they become adults who choose not to make the parent a priority.

Ilovesandwiches · 05/10/2022 23:17

I think you should say something to management! It sounds like staff need to be reminded of what their role is, which doesn’t include making parents feel rubbish by sharing their completely unnecessary opinions. Just because you are a member of staff at the setting does not mean you should be treated any less than any of the other parents are and I’m sure they wouldn’t let any other parents hear them say that!
I work in a nursery in a senior position and I would be so cross it a member of the team said this about parents, especially in front of a parent such as yourself who needs to use childcare. At the end of the day, working as a practitioner means you’re there for the children and families no matter what their individual circumstances are and no family should be belittled for the choices they make for the best interest of their family. Your colleagues have been unkind and you are not being unreasonable. Please remember that working to provide for your child and being in the position where you need to use childcare doesn’t make you the worst mum in the world at all, so please don’t feel like that. You sound like you are doing all you can to be the best to your baby. I’m sure you’re doing an incredible job xxxx

Littlepaws18 · 06/10/2022 18:20

This is rings true for me.

To feel shit at their comments
AtrociousCircumstance · 06/10/2022 18:23

They were being smug, self-congratulatory, insensitive jerks. Plus, stupid. I hate them for you.

Hold your head high OP, your child won’t grow up with a judgemental half-wit as a role model.

Walesscales · 06/10/2022 18:32

Tbh I don't understand why people have kids if they can't actually raise them and look after them? Why have children if they're going to just spend most of their time at nursery being looked after by other people?

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