AIBU?
To feel shit at their comments
Rosebel · 05/10/2022 21:37
At work today and two of my colleagues were talking about their children. Basically about how one of them uses no childcare (works school hours and no holidays). Other only works 3 days but has family who help out so she uses limited childcare.
Lots of comments about how they could never use full-time childcare and about how they don't understand women who take less than a year maternity leave.
I work compressed hours (49 hours over 4 days) so my son is in childcare from 8 until 6 4 days a week and I had to go back to work when he was 7 months old. They both know this because we all work in the childcare setting that my son attends.
I actually do enjoy my job but now feel like the worst mum in the world., like I'm doing the worst thing for my son.
And I feel really judged. Do you think I'm unreasonable to have been in tears over their comments (not at work. I heid it together until I got home).? Am I being oversensitive?
gretr · 06/10/2022 19:10
Walesscales · 06/10/2022 18:32
Tbh I don't understand why people have kids if they can't actually raise them and look after them? Why have children if they're going to just spend most of their time at nursery being looked after by other people?
I don’t really understand how anyone could have children in your scenario unless they have inherited wealth. If you know how I could get paid without working I would love to hear it! We saved for children and maternity, but no way could we save enough for us both to work part time to do without childcare (even if we did, we don’t have jobs that can be done part time) and still manage to pay bills and the mortgage.
Rosebel · 06/10/2022 20:13
Walesscales · 06/10/2022 18:32
Tbh I don't understand why people have kids if they can't actually raise them and look after them? Why have children if they're going to just spend most of their time at nursery being looked after by other people?
I do raise ad look after my child. He's not at nursery 24/7. He's at home 3 days a week and every morning and evening.
Do you have children? If you do and don't have to work you are very lucky. Perhaps you should think about that rather than running down people who have to work.
I would love to be a SAHM but I think my children would rather I work and they can eat than me being at home.
BiscuitLover3678 · 06/10/2022 20:16
Mariposista · 05/10/2022 22:35
I'm going to flip it round and judge her right back in her face.
I COULD NEEEEVER (adopt whiny voice) give up my job and pander to my children 24/7 because the would make me a boring, frustrated and unfulfilled person. I want to set a good example to my kid that money doesn't grow on trees and mummy doesn't merely exist for you.
I COULD NEEEEEEEEVER not prepare my kid for the reality of school by using nursery/CM. Who wouldn't want to be the parent of the reception child clinging to them and howling.
Sarky comments aside, ignore this piece of filth OP (bit harsh maybe hehe). You are doing what you need to do, to earn money and provide for your family, and to safeguard your own economic future and mental health. You are doing just fine.
Then you are just as bad if not a whole lot worse than these mothers. ‘Pandering to their kids every need?’ Wtf.
I hate this debate it’s nasty and polarises women against each other ffs.
Back to the original post - yes that would upset me op. They are insensitive and lucky and knowing your situation shouldn’t have said that at all. I’ve recently become a sahp and I would never think or say something so horrible.
There are many different ways to parent and you’re not doing anything wrong.
BiscuitLover3678 · 06/10/2022 20:20
Also as someone else posted if they said it in front of you then they probably weren’t categorising you in that group or thinking of you in that way. They were being thick.
These I feel like there’s so much more judgement if you stay at home tbh so actually you’ve got the perfect set up really! Your kids are getting the best of both and you are providing for them. Youre doing fine op don’t worry.
BiscuitLover3678 · 06/10/2022 20:22
Rosebel · 05/10/2022 22:12
49 was a typo. I meant 40.
Absolutely they can feel how they want and do what works best for them but the difference is I wouldn't judge them for it or critise them for it.
I will try to ignore it. DS loves nursery but I obviously miss him to bits and wish I could work less hours but unfortunately I can't so that's it.
I did point out that without working parents we wouldn't be working either but they said there's no need to work full time and they should ask family to help. (I didn't bother to point out the many reasons why that's not possible for lots of people including me).
I'm sure they did include me in their conversation about mums working full time hours.
It's harsh. Deep down I know DS is fine but mum guilt is bad enough without your colleagues making it worse.
Just read this again. Omg they really are idiots!
Musti · 06/10/2022 20:27
I went back to work when my eldest was a toddler. It was full time. Even though we only spent a few hours together in the evenings it was pure quality time.
with my others, I was a sahm. I may have been there all the time but I was so busy cleaning, tidying, chauffeuring, cooking etc that I spent less quality time with them and it was never as focused and relaxed.
Ignore those bitches. You’re a great mum and your kid is happy. And for the record, I put my eldest in nursery because I wanted him to have fun with other kids, have professionals around him and get lots of fun and stimulation. Rather than a family member.
Darbs76 · 06/10/2022 20:29
I was young when I had my eldest son, and family looked after him a lot, though he did go to the college nursery too. Trust me it was much easier to use paid childcare as my parents under minded my parenting completely until we moved away when he was 7. I was glad to use paid professional childcare for my 2nd and 3rd children. Expensive but lots of fun for them too instead of watching TV
redredwineub40 · 06/10/2022 20:33
It's normal these days and all your hours in 4 days and 3 with your child is a great deal and well done for negotiating it.
I could neeever go part time and lose career progression and have a poorer pension - particularly if I wasn't married (and therefore splitting savings if the relationship ended).
TheMoops · 06/10/2022 21:06
That actually sounds like my mothers approach to child rearing. It’s also the reason she rarely sees her grandkids, barely any of her surviving kids see her and the only one who does is an addict who wants money. Or a clean piss test. When kids grow up not feeling like a priority they become adults who choose not to make the parent a priority.
Do you really think all children who have parents who work turn out like this? You know that's not true right?
TheMoops · 06/10/2022 21:12
Walesscales · 06/10/2022 18:32
Tbh I don't understand why people have kids if they can't actually raise them and look after them? Why have children if they're going to just spend most of their time at nursery being looked after by other people?
Tbh I don't understand how some people aren't intelligent enough to understand that:
- most families need two incomes to survive
- lots of women enjoy their career and don't see having a family and a career as mutually exclusive
- just because you use childcare doesn't mean you aren't raising your own children.
They aren't difficult concepts so either you're really stupid or you enjoy having a dig at working mothers (always mothers, never the dads!)
Neither look is great tbh 🤷🏼♀️
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/10/2022 21:13
Walesscales · 06/10/2022 18:32
Tbh I don't understand why people have kids if they can't actually raise them and look after them? Why have children if they're going to just spend most of their time at nursery being looked after by other people?
Be honest, @Walesscales, you mean you don't understand why mothers have kids if they're going to put them in nursery. Because no one is judging dad for going to work and earning the money and furthering his career, are they? Equally, if mum goes to work and dad stays at home, dad gets all the cheering for being a SAHP and mum is STILL judged!
@Rosebel - those comments sound pointed, and designed to upset you so I don't blame you for being upset. But - YABU. Your child being in nursery is not a bad thing. And let me tell you - I had two kids in nursery from 8 months and one who didn't go until pre-school, I have exactly the same relationship with them all - a good, close one. The ones that went to nursery don't remember it at all at nearly 14. And neither will your child most likely. The memories of being with you until school age are for you, not for him.
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