To think there's no space in this relationship?

[Lorelia]

Together 7 years, own a house together, no kids.

He was laid off during Covid and hasn't found anything yet. He's applying but he isn't being successful. He admits it hasn't been his priority, he's been focusing on reskilling and his MH.

Our savings are gone. His savings are gone.

He said he was depressed. I supported, took on all housework, bought vitamins, encouraged him to see his GP etc. He seemed to improve.

This has happened a few times. Its been ongoing for over 18 months and he's just said he's feeling down again. I'm now hiding in the bedroom.

I don't know that I can do this again. I'm having a tough time in work, I'm exhausted and I feel like I can't rely on him. There's no money coming in from him, no help around the house and no emotional support because he has so much going on in his world.

I know that this is because he's ill and I feel like the worst person on the planet to be making this about me.

Am I a bad person? What would you do?

Has he made any efforts to go to a doctor? Retrain? What does he do to prioritise you?

It sounds like, as you say it's been "a few times", he needs to be on consistent medication.

He seen a Dr the first time and got added to a waiting list but nothing yet. We paid for him to see someone privately which seemed to help but we have no money to do this again.

He's doing a lot of free training online.

He doesn't seen to have the headspace to think about anyone else at the moment. I'm struggling

I think so! But getting an appt is super challenging, he's not against medication in principle but nothing has been offered

He needs to speak to the gp about medication, as difficult as it is for him you cant allow yourself to become burnt out and effect your own mental health as well. It's not unreasonable for you to feel unhappy

That seems weird. Waiting list for what? CBT?

My friend's husband went into the GP and left with a prescription for antidepressants. Are you sure he didn't refuse them?

They recommended talking therapies first. The waiting list is very long though.

He may have turned the meds down, that would be his choice but I don't know why he wouldn't share that.

Sorry op but in your position I'd sell up and split up.
He's dragging you down both mentally and financially.

He may have turned the meds down, that would be his choice but I don't know why he wouldn't share that.

Well. He may not want to take medication but also may feel you're more likely to stay if he seems to have "tried everything" to help himself.

You don't have to live this way, and you aren't responsible for "fixing" him. You don't need anyone's permission to end this relationship.

I understand I think. My exhusband had mental health problems and this was unable to work.

We didn't have children and his mental health problems (anxiety and depression) also meant he couldn't do any house work. I literally used to want to cry each night after commuting 90mins each way to work, long days at work to return home to clear up his mess then cook our dinner, then sort out the laundry.

I think for me it's the lack of contribution of any sort that I couldn't cope with.

Our marriage didn't last. Too much resentment on each side.

He doesn't think anything is wrong with us. He tells me he loves me, appreciates me, wouldn't know what he would do without me etc.

We've had a few blow ups about money. I earn okay but we've lost half of our income. He is applying for roles and doesn't think he can do any more while he's not 100%

I'm sorry you had a tough time.

I'm also very worried about resentment

He doesn't think anything is wrong with us.

How nice for him. You do not feel the same way. I have a feeling that it's misplaced guilt keeping you there. You've got to let that go.

It may be guilt. I wouldn't want someone to judge and leave me when I was at my worst and unwell.

Also, we had a good relationship before this. What if all the challenges, the changes in attitude is down to his illness and I leave something for a temporary blip?

Yanbu OP. If one person takes on all the responsibility, all the mental load, all the chores, and gives all the support but receives nothing back consistently then its completely normal for resentment to build and for them to get burnt out. It's also difficult to remain attracted to someone when you are essentially in the role of being their mother. And it's hard because people with depression can be so self absorbed that there is no appreciation that its bloody shit for you as well as them.

Some people are lazy and some people are depressed but some people are depressed and lazy. Also not having a job can make depression worse. I'm not saying it is his fault. But maybe he could do more to help himself. I get the impression that a lot of women with depression carry on, looking after kids, house etc. But men often get to opt out. How was he with doing his share before he was ill?

I think you need to sit down and tell him that the financial situation is stressing him out. Go through the numbers. That you're not pressuring him to get a job but he needs to know how you're feeling as well and ask if he has any suggestions eg anything you can cut back on together. And take it from there

Woukdnt he feel better doing part time - just anything really - even if it was a bit of retail or warehouse or hospitality- leaving him time to continue looking for something else /reskilling etc ??

We've had a few blow ups about money. I earn okay but we've lost half of our income. He is applying for roles and doesn't think he can do any more while he's not 100%

What would he do if you weren't covering the bills? If he lived alone he would have to get a job or claim benefits.
Is he claiming benefits now due to this inability to work? If not why not?

Sorry but sounds like he’s done very little to support himself and work through his mental health issues. There’s no reason why depression should stop him from doing housework for example especially as you are working full time.

He sounds like he’s got used to you picking up all the responsibility and is happy enough to sit back and watch you drown while he does barely anything to help himself. He gets to sit around, playing on your sympathies and saying all is great and you are the one worrying you’re the bad person?

Hes massively taking the piss and I say that as someone who lived with depression for decades. Yes there were times when working was hard but I always made the effort to at least keep the house going and be responsible for myself - because there was no one else. He can afford not to make positive steps because he’s learned you’ll be there as his safety net. He’s got no incentive to try and get any better as things stand. (unless you count not running his partner into exhaustion and resentment because she’s doing everything - and looks like that’s not bothering him at all).

@DrinkFeckArseBrick thank you. I've tried sitting him down. We ended up arguing as he felt I wasn't being supportive.

My wages do cover our bills. But I can't put anything into savings, disposable income is near non-existent and I just keep thinking that I don't want to work doing a job I don't enjoy for 45 hours a week to not even have the money to go out for tea.

@Crikeyalmighty his concern is that if he works part time, it'll be less time for applications and therefore less chance of him getting back to the same level/hours he was before.

My wages mean hes not eligible for UC and his job seekers only lasted 6 months.

@DragonflyNights when I'm feeling low like tonight, I think all the things you've put in your post. I worry that I'm a doormat, that I'm wasting my time and that if it keeps on, it may make me ill too.

But then I think about how hard it must be to go through redundancy. To struggle with your MH and then to not get any help from the Dr. To be stuck on a waiting list for eternity and to keep getting rejection after rejection from applications.

How much worse would it then be for your partner to get up and leave too?

Personally, I would suggest he applies for temp Christmas work, it would give you money for gifts, and hopefully, it will seem less daunting as it has an end date. It sounds like he's stuck, and a part-time Christmas job would give him some outside interaction and maybe boost his confidence again. I do feel for you though, he should really be making sure the house is tidy at the very least.

He's a piss taking cock lodger.

The bottom line is that he is treating you very badly. You need to leave.

his concern is that if he works part time, it'll be less time for applications and therefore less chance of him getting back to the same level/hours he was before

Bullshit. Him having a part time job will look far better than a massive gap in his employment.
Seriously, how long does he tell you he spends applying for jobs?