To think there's no space in this relationship?

[Lorelia]

Together 7 years, own a house together, no kids.

He was laid off during Covid and hasn't found anything yet. He's applying but he isn't being successful. He admits it hasn't been his priority, he's been focusing on reskilling and his MH.

Our savings are gone. His savings are gone.

He said he was depressed. I supported, took on all housework, bought vitamins, encouraged him to see his GP etc. He seemed to improve.

This has happened a few times. Its been ongoing for over 18 months and he's just said he's feeling down again. I'm now hiding in the bedroom.

I don't know that I can do this again. I'm having a tough time in work, I'm exhausted and I feel like I can't rely on him. There's no money coming in from him, no help around the house and no emotional support because he has so much going on in his world.

I know that this is because he's ill and I feel like the worst person on the planet to be making this about me.

Am I a bad person? What would you do?

*(would spend a long time waiting to see a psychiatrist)

but have just re read your post and he may have turned down meds, actually.

He needs to work PT (even if a step down). It's not like his small income will affect benefits as he's not getting any.

I too suffer with MH issues and not on meds. However, being part of the sandwich generation I cannot shirk my responsibilities and have to deal daily with my SEN children and disabled mother.

I work PT - 90% of the time I come away from work feeling better than the days I spend on the sofa.

Walking around the towns closest to me I constantly see jobs in retail and hospitality. Our local Costa sometimes closes at 1pm due to lack of staff!

He is taking advantage, you can work PT whilst job hunting for FT work. Stores will be crying out for Xmas help.

How does he think he can walk into a FT role if successful at interview and cope with the challenge if he can't even empty a dishwasher?

Time to give him a shove - docs for meds, PT work and sticking on a load of washing!

I think a frank talk with him is needed. It’s been 18 months and while I understand that being rejected from jobs can massively affect his confidence he is really taking the piss by relying on you to do absolutely everything. In the kindest way possible you are enabling him by allowing this behaviour to continue. If he’s too depressed to function properly he needs to take anti depressants to just lift him out of that mental fog while he waits for therapy/counselling.

What kind of jobs is he applying for? If they are at the same level as he was employed 18 months ago it is probably optimistic to think he will get another job at the same level/same pay straight away. He needs to look at lower paid jobs initially to build his confidence back up.

Just remember that your health matters too and his mental health does not trump your own.

This this this!

My DM suffered with depression during my childhood and continues to do so. Funnily enough, despite being quite severely impaired at times due to said depression, she never seemed to feel the need to use it as a get out of jail free card to do fuck all.

I think there are probably a lot of men who opt out of responsibilities due to 'depression'. Because they have a woman around who can take on all said responsibilities!

Depression and anxiety are real and serious issues but he has got to help himself here. You are enabling him to lounge around, feel sorry for himself and achieve precisely nothing, and as a result he will end up feeling worse and worse.

Time for a bit of tough love OP.

It's hard to help yourself when depressed.

It really is.

But all we have to go on here is "he says he's depressed".
In which case - why no meds?
As PP have pointed out, most women with depression manage to battle on. Stay at work, or looking for work, manage the house ... OP's partner is not trying to manage any of that, yet comes back from the GP without a prescription or any plan of action.

I suspect he's swinging the lead. Which doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with him - just that he's content to let OP struggle until HER mental health is affected, so long as he doesn't have to pull his own finger out.

It absolutely is hard to help yourself when you're depressed, that's one of the reasons it's such a fucker of an illness. It's horrible and it's sad and I have every sympathy for your H.

But I also have sympathy for YOU because living with and supporting somebody with depression is also fucking horrible. It is OK for you to want something to change. You can ask him to do various things like work part time, cook you dinner, go to the doctors and get medication, but ultimately if he is not doing these things - even if his intent is good and it's the depression making him selfish not his will - you don't HAVE to live like that. You are allowed to behave in a way that's best for you. Anything you decide doesn't have to be permanent either, don't forget. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

First thing I would do in your shoes is plan something you want to do for a few days without your H and do it. You are allowed to be happy and have fun even if he can't at the moment.

He is probably depressed because he isn't doing anything , his life is boring and he is worried about his future

What did he do before? Have you looked at his cv and cover letters that he writes to check he isn't missing something very obvious that is holding him back from securing a job.

He needs to get a job to take the pressure off you. I nearly guarantee his mental health will improve if he has some of his own money again. He's drained your savings and he's making you feel trapped. If you have no children and you don't like being with him any more and he isn't willing to work on himself, I would leave him

@KettrickenSmiled

I completely agree with everything you've said.

It's such a tough situation. I feel for you OP x

I don't really have first hand experience of depression (partner has anxiety though), but my question would be how do they stop you doing housework or cooking dinner?

I suffer with depression. I have a full time job. I also look after my 5 year old before and after school and do all the cleaning and cooking and washing.

Depression is just awful but absolutely no excuse to not work or at least run a bloody hoover round!

@Aquamarine1029 talks a lot of sense. Read her messages again.