To think there's no space in this relationship?

[Lorelia]

Together 7 years, own a house together, no kids.

He was laid off during Covid and hasn't found anything yet. He's applying but he isn't being successful. He admits it hasn't been his priority, he's been focusing on reskilling and his MH.

Our savings are gone. His savings are gone.

He said he was depressed. I supported, took on all housework, bought vitamins, encouraged him to see his GP etc. He seemed to improve.

This has happened a few times. Its been ongoing for over 18 months and he's just said he's feeling down again. I'm now hiding in the bedroom.

I don't know that I can do this again. I'm having a tough time in work, I'm exhausted and I feel like I can't rely on him. There's no money coming in from him, no help around the house and no emotional support because he has so much going on in his world.

I know that this is because he's ill and I feel like the worst person on the planet to be making this about me.

Am I a bad person? What would you do?

Whatever you think people will think about you, this is your one life and you don't have to spend it in the service of someone else if you don't want to.

Imagine the pressure of children thrown into this mix. You really do need to get rid of him. Sounds harsh, but if he is capable of doing skills courses, he can do housework as well. If he really loved you, he would not treat you like this, depression or not.

OP,

Get out.

You are not married.

You deserve better than this.

You do and pay for everything?

Cop on.

What about YOUR MH?

Who is going to look after you?

No one.

Get out now.

He'll be fine.

Do not marry or have children with him.
This will be your life.

You as the parent, always in a supportive role.

No way to live.

Get the hell out while you can.

Are you married?

I wouldn't saddle myself with this if you have no kids to think about. As the PP says this will be your life. Think how you will feel in ten years time if you feel this way now.

his concern is that if he works part time, it'll be less time for applications and therefore less chance of him getting back to the same level/hours he was before

Rubbish. It's always easier to get a job when you already have one.

If you love this man and you previously had a good relationship, I think you might regret leaving just yet, but I totally understand your frustration and why you may think it's time to split.

If all attempts at conversation end in arguments (I can imagine his defensiveness and your exasperation easily sparking this) try instead writing him a heartfelt letter in which you can say what you want without fear of interruption or anger. Tell him while you have every sympathy for what he is going through, that the current situation is not sustainable, either emotionally or financially. Tell him a positive plan needs to be put in place wherein he gets the soonest possible gp appt and all options of medication and counselling are discussed and considered. Tell him that if he feels capable of applying for and ultimately working a full-time job, then he can certainly work a part-time job and use his time off to apply for other jobs. It will give him a sense of purpose, give him work experience and look better on his CV when he finally finds a job he really wants. In the meantime, until he gets a job, he must plan his days to keep himself busy (but not overwhelmed) - he can help out with housework, shopping, cooking in between applying for jobs. it requires discipline, some structure and planning but I think think this will put him in good stead going forward.

I hope he starts to feel better soon and you can both move forward, regardless of whether you decide to stay together or not

Not married, he Spends a good few hours a day looking for and applying for jobs. I can verify that as I work from home a couple of days a week. He's also getting through to a lot of interviews but seems to struggle to get from there to an offer.

It's not about what people will think of me -
I'm worried depression can make your world very small and that his inability to see what's happening to me is down to that rather than him being truly selfish. He wasn't like this before, he lived alone before we moved in together and always pulled his weight.

But I feel exhausted. I'm eating rubbish because I don't have time to cook properly, I'm doing 0 exercise, I can't afford to go out with friends anywhere and my family have always needed support that I'm struggling to meet at the moment.

I'm just stuck wondering whether this is a temporary issue or not.

This idea that noone can possibly work part-time or at a low-level job while looking for a better job, because job-hunting is so time-consuming, is utter rubbish. How do you think people who are currently working manage to change jobs? You do applications in your own time, in the evenings or weekends.

I have personal experience of this but without MH issues. Diagnosed anyway but DH was definitely depressed in the end after 2.5 yrs unplanned out of work due to the pandemic.
He needs to face reality that his previous "level" is not achievable with such a long break in employment. SH took a much lower level job for 8 months and then waltzed into a great job. His confidence was so much more at interviews, he had the lingo at the top of his tongue and his brain was in the right space.

I had to get tough in the end and start talking about selling the house and downsizing etc. We're married with kids.

Time for a conversation about medication and accepting a half reasonable job. If nothing else there is plenty of zero hours work. Yes, little time for applications but it is frankly a great motivator to make the time if you have to deal with Joe Public and their level of entitlement over Christmas.

You can be offered medication straight away, you don't have to use therapy first, the waiting lists are too long (could be a year or two). That's what the depression guidelines state, he needs to revisit the dr as this is not shifting of its own accord or due to him having less pressure, he's still depressed. Anti-depressants can't fix everything and I would still encourage him to seek other treatments, but they can be a starting point to getting some space and time to get better through other means.

What if all the challenges, the changes in attitude is down to his illness and I leave something for a temporary blip?

Oh right, the "temporary" blip. This blip has already been long enough to burn through his saving AND yours. You've got to take the blinders off, op. He's taking the absolute piss and doing nothing to help himself. Don't allow him to take you down with him.

It's difficult because there's not a lot you can do to help the person any more than you've already done, and you've done a lot. It also sounds like resentment is building up - which is a perfectly natural feeling given you do everything as well as work - and guilt is keeping you together. Ultimately he needs to help himself, but that's difficult with MH issues. Perhaps he could give up the idea of going back into work at the same level/salary as before and take a lesser paid position or as people have suggested part time, because any money coming in is more than nothing. There's still time for applications when you're working.

It also sounds like it's overwhelming you and affecting your own MH. Can you carve out some time for yourself and do something you love, away from the house? There was a tv programme a while ago about this and the person was encouraged to do something they used to do when younger just for themselves - think it was bodyboarding or something like that.

He's been like this for 18mths. I'm pretty sure his Dr. would have offered anti-depressants by now. If it came on after being made redundant then it's pretty obvious that the sooner he gets back into some kind of work, part-time or even voluntary, the better.
He's not doing much because he has you to support him, pick up the pieces. Job searching every day for hours seems excessive. Surely all he needs to do now is quickly check for any new jobs, max 1 hr. He can then do the household chores and still have plenty of hours in the day to relax. He needs to lighten your load in whatever way he can if he wants your continued financial and moral support. If he's resistant to this then I'm afraid he's taking the p*ss. You're already resentful, the love will dry up and you could end up suffering MH issues yourself.

I know it's not the same thing but my 92-year-old mother has a broken shoulder and has now broken her hip yet she will still move around as far as she can and tidy up and wash up etc. She does absolutely everything she can to make herself independent. I know a mental health issue is different and I lived with a man who had severe depression, but I don't know anyone who, given all bloody day, can't do the dishes and run a vacuum around.

So he is mentally able to apply for jobs and go to interviews but can't possibly do any housework or cook your dinner?

This is a very measured post and probably where I would fall in tackling it.

I understand it that it's hard for him but he needs to understand the long term impact on you as well.

Would the routine of work not help to keep his mind occupied? There's plenty of work out there even if it's restaurants or retail a couple of days a week

He’s not contact any recruitment agencies for temporary contracts? Easy enough to interview and get something permanent when you’re working temporarily.

If he even made a bit of effort to contribute around the house or get some temp work i’d say your views on giving him more time would be solid. But it sounds like he’s got no intention of doing any of that soon and again, why would he need to when he’s told you he is fine in the relationship itself and he is also able to live with you and be taken care of practically, emotionally and financially.

his concern is that if he works part time, it'll be less time for applications and therefore less chance of him getting back to the same level/hours he was before.

He's bullshitting you. This is right up there with "doesn't think there's anything wrong with us".

It is FAR easier to find full time work when you are already in part time.
It's also easier mentally & emotionally to make that transition from part to full, than from doing absolutely zero to full time.

How many applications does he send out per week anyway? Would 20 or 25 hours of work a week make any difference? People manage to apply for new jobs while they are already working full time ....

He has used up all your savings, isn't trying to get work, is living off your income & won't even stir himself to push the hoover round. Worse than that - he's telling you there's nothing wrong with that & is totally taking you for granted.

It's time to ask him what he think he'd do for himself if you weren't picking up ALL his slack. Let it become a row - don't allow any dislike of that discomfort to stop you from getting this out in the open. It's been - what, 2 years now? This is so unfair on you. I also don't believe that he's been depressed this long & his GP has not offered him a medical route.

You need to start asking him what he's doing to make himself better. Because right now, it sounds like he is not taking a single positive step to make himself right, & expects to live off you forever.

The gp absolutely could put him straight on meds.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh: I want to say upfront that anxiety and depression are a real problem and deserve to be treated with the utmost seriousness.

But I'm also getting tired of the posts I see on here on a nearly daily basis from women whose partners/husbands are using depression as a get out of jail free card to not have to contribute financially or domestically and allow their partner to carry everything.

Losing a job is very demoralising and he deserves sympathy and support but this is not an excuse for him not to take part time work while he looks for something more appropriate. And its not acceptable for him to duck out of supporting you in the home.

He needs to keep pushing to get treatment. And if he needs to take meds to function then he needs to take the meds. And if you're working FT and commuting there is absolutely no reason he can't pull his weight at home.

Why is it that women who suffer from depression largely have to crack on and get all this done while men get to wallow for years and hand over all responsibility?

Generally the broader awareness about openness about mental health is a good thing but it does cynically make me wonder if a lot of men are using it to duck out of responsibility.

Depression can dint your confidence and make you feel you can't do any job. It's possible he is self sabotaging. However the only way to get past this is to get a job and realise it is ok. A part time job would be a good start. Most people apply for jobs on top of having a full time job so there is no reason that can't happen.

The thing about depression is that most of the time you can still function (except in the worst cases). It is just harder. If someone offers you an out, by, say, working and paying for everything, then it is easy not to push yourself. But that actually isn't the best way because it doesn't 'fix' you. The depression doesn't go away through not working or not working.

As for the wait list, for what, I wonder? A GP will prescribe anti depressants on a first visit if that is what the patient will accept. I suspect he turned this down. Would he be willing to try St Johns Wort or 5HTP as a natural alternative to meds?

In my vast and awful experience of having recurring depression, it has always been a mixture of meds, time, and circumstance which pulls me out of it. I HAD to push myself to continue working and functioning, I had no choice, and this was a good thing, although it was very difficult. I have never known of someone to improve when they have a partner covering everything for them and they are able just to languish at home. Plenty who have improved when that partner finally leaves them and they have not choice but to function again.

You might have to get tough about this but it is for the good. Also you have to consider yourself. It isnt ok that you break yourself in half for this.

This

@Lorelia waiting list for secondary care talking therapies is very long but IAPT - sort of primary care talking therapies - is usually shorter. They can support with guided self help whilst he is on the waiting list, I think, eg things like behavioural activation. He can self refer. Not sure where you are, but if you google the place where you live + IAPT, then the service should come up (it will be called simply “talking therapies”. IAPT was how it was called before/how staff still call it).
he needs to mention during his triage with IAPT that he is on the waiting list for X with X NHS service, this is v important, so if there are any clashes they don’t end up discharging him from the long waiting list

GPs can prescribe antidepressants so he can have that conversation with a GP, doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist (would spend a long time

also - talk to him about how it’s affecting you. In a gentle and non judgemental way. It may help motivate him to take action.