To feel this gutted about DH and my book

[Mrsaspiringauthor]

I probably am. Just surprised by how hurt I feel.

I’m one of those people who has wanted to write a book for years but lacked the confidence. I loved writing as a child but had a bad experience when toxic mother (now NC) found some of my writing and was so sneery about it I didn’t write again.

I had an idea for a novel years ago and earlier this year found the confidence to start writing it. At first I felt really uncomfortable about it and just imagined my mum looking over my shoulder and sneering at it. But I kept going and after a few weeks and 10,000 words found that I was really enjoying it. I’m now 155000 words into a novel that will hopefully be 450k words (big sweeping saga) and have absolutely fallen in love with writing again, I get so much enjoyment from bot the writing and the research as well as plotting, developing characters etc. It’s so hard to judge your own writing but I think what I’ve written so far is ok.

Have talked to DH about the book as I write it and he’s been reasonably interested. He actually has more of a background in writing than I do in terms of what he studied at Uni and parts of his job. I haven’t told anyone else I’m writing and asked him if he’d read what I’ve written so far. It felt like a big deal to share my writing with someone else and I told him to only read it when he has time.

Anyway he was away for a few days with lots of free time (ended up being much more than expected) and he said he’d read it then.

He got back yesterday and I guess I was hoping he’d bring it up and tell me what he thought. Eventually I asked him if he’d read it and he said, oh yeah meant to say, yeah I really liked it. He’d read only about 40 pages (he is a fast reader so not much for him) and didn’t seem to have much else to say about it. I asked him what he thought of a few aspects of it and he was very positive but didn’t seem to have put much thought into it.

I guess I’m just thinking about how it would have been if the roles were reversed, I’d have made the time to read it all and would have had lots to say even if I thought it was crap. At the very least I’d have said well done for picking up your own again and writing 1/3 of a book.

He has always made me feel as if he always has something more important than me going on so I guess it’s just a sore point. There’s always work to be done (he’s very invested in his job), a cup of tea to make it a pot to watch or a task that needs finished. Even on our wedding day I felt I hardly saw him as he was ‘just going to speak to X Y or Z - a couple of people joked on the day that I’d lost my husband as he was always off with someone else.

No snark please as I just feel really sad, I guess I just wanted a bit more encouragement.

[Poppchipps]

I am a performer and a few years ago after working on a new act for months, I performed it for my husband to ask his opinion. I was so proud of it and thought he'd like it.
He hated it. No constructive feedback, just "I don't like it." I was gutted.

It's now one of my favourite acts, I've performed it for hundreds of people and it's had great reviews.

It's one opinion.

But I get how much it hurts.

[thekewgirl]

I would love a read too if you would allow it. It sounds like my kind of book. I always wish I had followed my ambition to be an editor

[WeepingSomnambulist]

Every writer, no matter how good, will received a draft back from an editor covered in red pen.

You need to be resilient. You dont sound like yo are when it comes to your writing. Look at your history with it. How do you think your husband felt when you asked him for critique our writing? He cant say anything bad about it. And it isnt even a genre he enjoys. You put him in a very difficult position and that wasnt fair.

Get a writing group, pay for an editor. One hard rule for writers is not to ask your family and friends to read your stuff. Even if they want to reas that type of thing, they dont want you pouncing on them for compliments. Because you wanted compliments, not criticism.

[Teenyliving]

You’re projecting your unmet needs from your childhood onto your marriage - I would guess you subconsciously choose him to marry exactly becaue he would continue the cycle of not acknowledging you

[Mrsaspiringauthor]

@thekewgirl

I would love a read too if you would allow it. It sounds like my kind of book. I always wish I had followed my ambition to be an editor

Thank you - I will dm you!

[Pinkdelight3]

You're so early in your writing journey, not even knowing how long a book 'should' be (industry-wise) and there's nothing wrong with that for now at all. The main thing that jumped out to me is that you're doing this because you're enjoying it. The floodgates have opened after a lifetime of holding back, so let it flow and enjoy it for yourself. You're at that stage where you're writing for yourself, and will - if you stick at it and learn - come to write for an editor and for an audience. But even then, that audience will likely not include your husband and you'll have found more like-minded souls who become your eyes on this. Forty pages and a positive response is a win. The equivalent to the three chapters that any gatekeeper would ask for to get a sense of whether it's any cop. So take that as encouragement and carry on enjoying the experience. (Do start considering how to separate it into a series of shorter novels though.)

[toastofthetown]

It’s great that you’re enjoying writing and gaining so much confidence from it. He should be supporting you and encouraging you with that.

But I don’t agree that reading a third of your unedited manuscript is part of that. Your boom isn’t finished or edited, so I’m not sure that’s there’s anything to gain by him reading it. From the sound of your post, it doesn’t sound like your want him to workshop or critique your work, but it will definitely need that at this stage to polish it. So all he can really say is ‘that’s nice; I’m happy you’re happy’. And honestly, I wouldn’t be queuing to read a third of an unedited 450k manuscript either. That’s so long, I’m not sure the word long does it justice.

Are you planning to have the book traditionally published? If you are, 450k will be an auto skip for most agents and either the book will need a major cut back, or it will need to be serialised.

[MissBattleaxe]

If you're aiming for 450k, then it sounds like you're writing a trilogy and have completed the first third. As Terry Pratchett once said, the first draft is just you telling yourself the story. 40 pages isn't a bad stab at reading it and it is really hard to critique the work of someone you're close to. There are lots of Facebook Groups for people like you and you might find more help there. Also, get over to the Mumsnet creative writing boards. You will need a thicker skin in future as your work will be edited and critiqued before it gets published and you may get harsh reviews after that too. Don't let any of this put you off. Even famous and successful writers get 1 or 2 star reviews. Keep the faith and keep going.

[MagpieSong]

I can totally understand you feeling upset about that. He probably doesn't realise how hurtful it is. I'd maybe have a chat and say you know he's busy and so on, but sometimes you feel a bit left to one side. Do you get time just together to do something nice? I know it can be hard to find time, but it's great to try and put that into practice if not happening. Often these things are less that one person is needy or one person is cold, it's much more that people are different. On top of that, if one has had stable loving parents, they rely easily on the love of a spouse, whereas if you've had tricky relationships in the past, you don't assume everything is fine all the time.

Would he be willing to read it aloud to you? My DH does this to help with my final edit and it's really helpful. I pick up on bits I wouldn't otherwise and I can see whether he's picked up on a cue for later plot or whether my characters are memorable enough. I do think if he has a writing background, he might need to be careful not to over-intrude in the edit though. Your voice and style are likely to be very different to his and he'd need to make sure that he's not imposing his own rules on your work (so, for example, putting strong plot rules on a literary fiction or personal writing stylistic choice such as replacing a dash with a comma). He would read and you would edit. He can question things, point out something unclear or help you understand why he confuses two characters etc. but you have final say.

Adding to another poster commenting re it being first novel and no formal training: You may well have read lots and taught yourself to write fiction, as novel writing isn't something that can only be taught in a class. However, structured teaching can be really helpful. I'd say I've learnt more myself outside of class than I ever learnt in class, but the courses and feedback I've done have had really helpful parts too. I did Creative Writing as part of my University Degree, but the most I've learnt has been through reading my genre, reading a lot on the whole and reading theory outside of Uni, then testing out these learnings in my own writing. I think the best advice is that you have to know the rules to break them.

One pointer would be a first novel is almost never given an agent at much above 100,000 words. Mine was way over and I split it into 2 books. It may be worth finishing the novel, then deciding where to split and that being the point where he reads it aloud. At this point, it's so exciting you might want to share sections, but it's still the first draft so will need playing around with and it may be more exciting to share when complete.

[IrisVersicolor]

Two issues, first your writing, second your DH’s lack of interest in you.

As pp’s have said 40 pages is a decent stab to get the gist, but the rest of his lack of interest and prioritising of everything over you is thread of itself and needs to be addressed separately.

The other issue is why you are so dependent on the views of others to give you ‘permission’ to do what you want to do.

[Mrsaspiringauthor]

Thanks everyone, this is all very useful.

My initial idea was that it would be three volumes of 450k each. Each is split into different chapters telling the story of members of one family from early civilisation to present day with common threads running through it. It’s in chronological order and takes place in different locations throughout the world.

The 150k words I’ve written are the first two parts of volume 1.

I now see that 450k is far too long so I think I’m going to have to split it and maybe make what I’ve written so far a stand alone book!

[WeepingSomnambulist]

No one is going to read a series of 3 books which each of them being half s million words.

You really need to stick to 100,000 words +/- 20,000 for it to be the most commericl it can be.

[Vecna]

Your DH can't win. Even if your work is brilliant (big hurdle) and he's knowledgeable enough about the genre (hurdle 2) to give meaningful feedback, you've expressed your lack of confidence and sensitivity, which is probably an insurmountable hurdle. Proper feedback on a well-written book is brutal and, from what you've said, would discourage you.

He's not the right person for the job, and maybe he sees that. IMO the closer you are to a person in these circumstances, the worse it is.

[BirdinaHedge]

My initial idea was that it would be three volumes of 450k each. Each is split into different chapters telling the story of members of one family from early civilisation to present day with common threads running through it. It’s in chronological order and takes place in different locations throughout the world.

Gently @Mrsaspiringauthor no agent is going to take that on to sell it, and I doubt anyone is going to read it. A million words with no plot???

You need proper professional advice. I suggest you give a book pitch plus outline plus a draft (not 150k words!) to an agent and see what they think. Or, as PP have suggested, join a writers' group and LISTEN.

I suspect your DH is well aware of the problems with your writing & what you propose and is letting you down gently. Anyone can write, but very few people write well enough for other people to want to read them.

[WisherWood]

How do first time writers of novels that size get published if that’s too long?

They don't, generally. Any that do will be from someone with a background and training in writing in some form but publishers can be very wary of first time authors. This will be especially so at the moment given the state of the economy.

It's really hard to tell from what you say how much of this is your sensitivity and how much is your husband's lack of interest in you. That is something I would try to unpack, possibly with help from a therapist. He may be loving and supportive and you misread him because of what happened with your mother. Or it may be that you've chosen a rather distant partner. I know, for e.g. that I am insecure in relationships so I am aware that these are my insecurities to deal with, not my partner's. That doesn't mean he's perfect but it does mean I bear in mind that I am insecure and that this is my problem, not his.

[BirdinaHedge]

Would he be willing to read it aloud to you? My DH does this to help with my final edit and it's really helpful.

Ha ha!

When George Eliot (still Maryanne Evans) talked with G H Lewes (her partner) about starting to write fiction, they read Jane Austen out loud together, so she could absorb the excellences of Austen's prose fiction.

Eliot & Austen are quite temperamentally different, but it was a deep learning experience for Eliot apparently.

[ReneBumsWombats]

Ack, don't ask friends and family to read it, especially not an early and unfinished first draft, and even more especially if it's not a genre they usually enjoy.

If you want some impartial, constructive criticism, get a professional editor to cast an eye on it once you've finished the first draft. Reedsy is a good place to look. You'll need to pay but that's only fair, and keep it professional. I know it's hard when you've put sweat, blood and tears into it but it's an editor's job to be honest and emotionally detached and try to get it as good as possible. Did you read The Silkworm by Robert Galbraith? I don't think it was meant to be overtly funny but I laughed when a writer wrote an editor into a story as an evil character who kidnaps and murders a helpless creature and is called The Cutter. Yeah, we've all been there.

If you want more support and interest from your husband in general, that's a completely different issue.

Well done on writing so much already. That's a huge achievement in itself. Get ready to rewrite it a jillion times and enjoy.

[AguaFiestaFeminista]

I was once asked to read a draft of a novel a friend was writing. I thought it was pretty terrible. I then had sleepless nights trying to work out how I could give him feedback without destroying our friendship. I did a good job, and he was also receptive and open to constructive feedback, so it turned out ok. But I hated having to do that.

Maybe he feels like that.

[krystalweedon]

I now see that 450k is far too long so I think I’m going to have to split it and maybe make what I’ve written so far a stand alone book!

I think that is sensible if you are going to try for publication. You can then pitch it as a standalone with series potential.

[ReneBumsWombats]

There's something about writing - maybe because it's so fucking hard and takes so fucking long and is so fucking complex - that provokes higher feelings than other kinds of art regarding criticism. None of us like to offer criticism to the labour of someone we love, but most of us would probably find it easier to tell someone that their singing or painting isn't great than that their novel isn't. Not saying your novel isn't good, OP, but no first draft will be anywhere near ready and it sounds like it comes into quite specific taste.

There's a reason it's writer's block and not artist's or dancer's or musician's block...

[deeperthanallroses]

now see that 450k is far too long so I think I’m going to have to split it and maybe make what I’ve written so far a stand alone book!
it’s your first book op. I mean this kindly when I say that unless a publisher jumps on it and says holy shit this is the best first novel I’ve ever read, you should not just split it. You should challenge yourself to slash it at least in half. Read up on the editing process, and have a look at how many authors thank their editors.

[Doingprettywellthanks]

Is a “sweeping”saga actually something that he’d read and enjoy otherwise?

You can’t force someone to be interested in a book.

he made a valiant effort!

[DragonflyNights]

I feel for you OP because on the one hand it’s amazing that you’ve reconnected with your passion and produced so much of a draft and most importantly have been loving it! However it’s also not easy to then show what you’ve done to someone you love and feel they weren’t really that interested or didn’t like it. I can see why you’re hurt.

While it’s true that there’s a lot to learn for you with regards to writing it seems like this is an indication of other things in terms of your hurt at your husbands reaction. If you have mostly experienced people close to you as a kid criticising and sneering at you (and your creative efforts?) then it can feel like a sucker punch for your husband to be uninterested - even if there are plenty of rational reasons why he wasn’t beating a path to tell you it was amazing.

Don’t let this set you back - learn about the industry and craft and everything you can and find people who will share your enthusiasm writing wise and encourage you while also being honest about how to improve.

In terms of your husband if you often feel he’s uninterested in you and your life and passions that is a connected but also different issue and probably needs addressing, alongside dealing with the doubts your family instilled in you.

[Doingprettywellthanks]

@Mrsaspiringauthor

Thanks everyone, this is all very useful.

My initial idea was that it would be three volumes of 450k each. Each is split into different chapters telling the story of members of one family from early civilisation to present day with common threads running through it. It’s in chronological order and takes place in different locations throughout the world.

The 150k words I’ve written are the first two parts of volume 1.

I now see that 450k is far too long so I think I’m going to have to split it and maybe make what I’ve written so far a stand alone book!

This is the sort of book a very well established author published.

not a debut novelist

why? It requires too much trust on the part of the reader. You have to produce something fairly easily digestible as your debut and when you have shown you can engage, you then publish the work that is going to require a serious commitment on the part of the reader

[ReneBumsWombats]

Sorry, I did scan your posts but missed that it isn't a first draft. I think the rest still goes though. Get a professional to look at it. Someone close to you who isn't an industry professional (however clever they might be) and doesn't like the genre is probably the worst person to give you constructive feedback.

But if it's actually about your relationship, that's something else.