AIBU?
How to help DP
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 15:32
I'm sorry, I'm posting for traffic as I'm desperate.
My DP has 2 children, he is a fantastic dad and loves his kids so much.
We've just received an email to say that DP isn't DS dad. DS is 10, his mum has told him. She isn't the easiest of people to deal with, in fact she is absolutely awful. She likes to use the kids as a weapon to get what she wants, with that in mind, we asked for proof. That has now been given.
DP is a mess, understandably. My concern is, last year he had a complete mental breakdown, he was so ill, contemplated suicide, it was just a horrible time. He's on the road to recovery, but isn't yet 100%. This news has destroyed him all over again.
How do I help? I feel at a complete loss, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to be there for him. I don't know how I can possibly make this easier for him, I'm so scared he's going to break down again. It's just a horrible horrible situation.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
ThirtyThreeTrees · 04/10/2022 18:41
There is a special place in her for women like this.
I think your partner should absolutely insist on having an independent DNA carried out on both the children. I wouldn't take her word on absolutely anything,even though it is most likely true.
I can't believe she would do this to the child either.
I think wll you can do is support him, encouraging the counselling and gp appointments etc.
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 18:53
Princessglittery · 04/10/2022 18:39
@tiddlywinks2 the letter can be genuine but it will only relate to the samples provided. It cannot guarantee the providence of the samples.
I recall reading about a case where a sample from a different child was used. There was a retest ordered by the court and the mother again tried to substitute the second child but the test was eventually completed on the original child and there was a match.
Before DH can be removed from the birth certificate you can insist on a court ordered DNA test where DH can guarantee the sample comes from DS by witnessing it.
It may not change the outcome but at least he would have 100% assurance.
The other thing I would point out is if DS Mum has always known DP was not his biological parent (he is still his Dad) she may have committed fraud.
Oh really, it didn't even occur to me that she may have used another child.
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 18:55
She has apparently always had doubts, she didn't voice them to DP. He was completely oblivious that she had cheated on him.
I find it very difficult to understand, that if you'd had doubts from the beginning, why you wouldn't do the test earlier. Not wait until he's 10 and destroy both DS and DP
Sunnyqueen · 04/10/2022 19:50
Wow what a truly evil cu next Tuesday she is. That poor poor lads head must be all over, and your partners obviously.
As pp said definitely let his school know whats gone on. They will keep an eye on him and as a bonus any sort of reputation she had with them will go right down the pan. Urgh, definitely get court ordered test, don't get your hopes up but just in case. Narcs will pull all sorts of sick stunts.
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 19:54
Sunnyqueen · 04/10/2022 19:50
Wow what a truly evil cu next Tuesday she is. That poor poor lads head must be all over, and your partners obviously.
As pp said definitely let his school know whats gone on. They will keep an eye on him and as a bonus any sort of reputation she had with them will go right down the pan. Urgh, definitely get court ordered test, don't get your hopes up but just in case. Narcs will pull all sorts of sick stunts.
DP said he's worried about doing this, if he says what's going on, won't he then not be allowed to speak to the school? As he's not DCs dad? We are just very confused and worried to be honest.
Mombie2016 · 05/10/2022 00:03
I’m sorry OP, but Cellmark are a court approved DNA testing company. I know because I’ve used them, when my ex was being a fuck knuckle and trying to get out of paying CMS.
A GP takes the swabs from each person, after they’ve been shown photo ID + birth certificates, which are scanned in and photos of each person taken.
Samples sent straight to the lab - they literally go straight out of the GPs to a courier.
There’s a list of GPs that are approved by court to do this.
It won’t have been a random child or a random man, it’ll have been DSS, his Mum, the suspected biological father.
I’m afraid this is all that’s needed in order to have his biological father put on his birth certificate.
I really am so sorry for all of you - I had it dropped on me in my teens that my mother had an affair and wasn’t sure who my biological father was, and I still don’t know, because none of them will cooperate and do a DNA test.
tiddlywinks2 · 05/10/2022 00:54
Mombie2016 · 05/10/2022 00:03
I’m sorry OP, but Cellmark are a court approved DNA testing company. I know because I’ve used them, when my ex was being a fuck knuckle and trying to get out of paying CMS.
A GP takes the swabs from each person, after they’ve been shown photo ID + birth certificates, which are scanned in and photos of each person taken.
Samples sent straight to the lab - they literally go straight out of the GPs to a courier.
There’s a list of GPs that are approved by court to do this.
It won’t have been a random child or a random man, it’ll have been DSS, his Mum, the suspected biological father.
I’m afraid this is all that’s needed in order to have his biological father put on his birth certificate.
I really am so sorry for all of you - I had it dropped on me in my teens that my mother had an affair and wasn’t sure who my biological father was, and I still don’t know, because none of them will cooperate and do a DNA test.
Thank you for letting me know. I think I do need to give up hope that she's just being a bitch.
I can't believe it, still completely in shock. I know it would be easier for my DP if he could actually talk to his son. But that's not going to happen.
tiddlywinks2 · 05/10/2022 00:56
Mombie2016 · 05/10/2022 00:03
I’m sorry OP, but Cellmark are a court approved DNA testing company. I know because I’ve used them, when my ex was being a fuck knuckle and trying to get out of paying CMS.
A GP takes the swabs from each person, after they’ve been shown photo ID + birth certificates, which are scanned in and photos of each person taken.
Samples sent straight to the lab - they literally go straight out of the GPs to a courier.
There’s a list of GPs that are approved by court to do this.
It won’t have been a random child or a random man, it’ll have been DSS, his Mum, the suspected biological father.
I’m afraid this is all that’s needed in order to have his biological father put on his birth certificate.
I really am so sorry for all of you - I had it dropped on me in my teens that my mother had an affair and wasn’t sure who my biological father was, and I still don’t know, because none of them will cooperate and do a DNA test.
I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles too. Everyone should know who their parents are, I'm sorry you haven't had that ❤️
Mombie2016 · 05/10/2022 07:14
The man who raised me knew there was a 50/50 chance that I wasn’t his child, but raised me and loved me like his own anyway, so even at 13, I knew he was the most important person in my life.
If my mother had her way, she would have erased him from my life and thrust me on a man who had zero interest in me. I can’t imagine how DSS feels right now, having your DP removed from his life.
I would strongly advise getting a shit hot solicitor or Barrister because despite the DNA test, no court would allow this to happen to your DSS - child is front and centre with this sort of thing. A close friend went through it and was granted monthly access for a whole weekend.
I’ve never had much interest in my biological father, I did want to know when I was around 19, but I soon gave up as nobody would cooperate with me.
tiddlywinks2 · 05/10/2022 09:50
@Mombie2016 we are seeing a lawyer next week. It was originally for visitation as EX was being horrendous. But we now have a whole new situation.
I hope DP gets to see DS. He wants to be his dad. He's devastated by the results, but it doesn't change a thing for DP, he's still his dad.
I'm so sorry you've been through the same.
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