AIBU?
How to help DP
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 15:32
I'm sorry, I'm posting for traffic as I'm desperate.
My DP has 2 children, he is a fantastic dad and loves his kids so much.
We've just received an email to say that DP isn't DS dad. DS is 10, his mum has told him. She isn't the easiest of people to deal with, in fact she is absolutely awful. She likes to use the kids as a weapon to get what she wants, with that in mind, we asked for proof. That has now been given.
DP is a mess, understandably. My concern is, last year he had a complete mental breakdown, he was so ill, contemplated suicide, it was just a horrible time. He's on the road to recovery, but isn't yet 100%. This news has destroyed him all over again.
How do I help? I feel at a complete loss, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to be there for him. I don't know how I can possibly make this easier for him, I'm so scared he's going to break down again. It's just a horrible horrible situation.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Maray1967 · 04/10/2022 17:22
Is she really saying she is cutting her son off from the man he knows as Dad and getting him to build a relationship with a stranger who is now going to be Dad?
I have no idea what the law says on this - does your DH have no say at all? If she knew all along and has just been waiting to tell her son at a certain age can she be prosecuted for falsely claiming CMS?
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 17:25
Maray1967 · 04/10/2022 17:22
Is she really saying she is cutting her son off from the man he knows as Dad and getting him to build a relationship with a stranger who is now going to be Dad?
I have no idea what the law says on this - does your DH have no say at all? If she knew all along and has just been waiting to tell her son at a certain age can she be prosecuted for falsely claiming CMS?
This is exactly what she is doing.
I'm her message she says she cheated on DP. And it's been confirmed DS isn't his.
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 17:26
Princessglittery · 04/10/2022 17:23
I would reiterate what pp have said, your DH needs to do his own test where he is 100% sure it is DS and his samples that are being matched I.e. he observes the sample being taken from DS. This might require a court order.
We have an appointment next week with a solicitor, it was for contact. But we will now be speaking about this. Will see what they suggest.
Gazelda · 04/10/2022 17:31
What a terrible mother she is!
I hope that the boy is being supported appropriately, and that he is able to process this thoughts and verbalise his wishes. Do you have contact with his school? A call to them to ask for him to be kept an eye on might be helpful for him.
Is the sibling older or younger? Do they know? Will your DP still be having visits with the sibling?
Testina · 04/10/2022 17:33
You only mention the second child in the first post.
Is second child half sibling to this one through the mother? Presumably not?
Do the two children see each other?
That relationship needs to be considered too.
I think the most important thing is to keep your boyfriend close to you, and encourage him to speak to his therapist asap.
He also needs to decide how to support his younger child.
Anything else - like trying to get contact - can wait.
Laurdo · 04/10/2022 17:38
Gazelda · 04/10/2022 17:31
What a terrible mother she is!
I hope that the boy is being supported appropriately, and that he is able to process this thoughts and verbalise his wishes. Do you have contact with his school? A call to them to ask for him to be kept an eye on might be helpful for him.
Is the sibling older or younger? Do they know? Will your DP still be having visits with the sibling?
Good idea. The mother sounds like a narcissist and they never put their kids needs first so I doubt she'll be supporting DS but instead celebrating throwing that grenade!
wellhelloitsme · 04/10/2022 17:39
My god what an evil person she is.
Unthinkably selfish and cruel.
Your poor DP, his poor DS and poor you.
I'm sure people will be along with actual advice but in the meantime I just wanted to add to the chorus of people who are glad he has you and thinking of you both 
Thefriendlymoth · 04/10/2022 17:47
Oh this is so sad, for your DP and his son (I say HIS son because he is still his dad and nothing on a piece of paper about genetics Indonesian any of the time and love that has built their relationship). As others have said, I would look to get a test done yourselves just for your piece of mind, although I appreciate this in itself might be difficult given the circumstances- it’s great that you already have a chat about legal advice in the works.
sending lots of unmumsnetty hugs, it’s a scary situation having a partner that struggles with their mental health and this truly doesn’t sound like a lot to deal with. Be kind to yourself, it’s ok to not know what to say or do. It sounds like you are already giving your DH some space to process this, keep doing what you are doing and make sure your OH knows that you are there to listen if he needs to talk.
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 17:50
Trying to answer all questions.
We had no idea there was even doubts, she apparently contacted this man and sought out a DNA with him. I will speak to a solicitor and see where we go from here.
Regarding other child, DS is the youngest, he has an older child. So they are half siblings. DP and ex split a year after marriage because she was cheating. The mother of other DC is great. Haven't told her yet. But I am worried DS will tell her. Not sure how to navigate that one to be honest.
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 17:53
Thefriendlymoth · 04/10/2022 17:47
Oh this is so sad, for your DP and his son (I say HIS son because he is still his dad and nothing on a piece of paper about genetics Indonesian any of the time and love that has built their relationship). As others have said, I would look to get a test done yourselves just for your piece of mind, although I appreciate this in itself might be difficult given the circumstances- it’s great that you already have a chat about legal advice in the works.
sending lots of unmumsnetty hugs, it’s a scary situation having a partner that struggles with their mental health and this truly doesn’t sound like a lot to deal with. Be kind to yourself, it’s ok to not know what to say or do. It sounds like you are already giving your DH some space to process this, keep doing what you are doing and make sure your OH knows that you are there to listen if he needs to talk.
Thank you, I feel very selfish in saying how hard I'm finding it. But after the previous breakdown I'm just on edge. It was one of the worst situations I've ever been in.
However I need to put my feelings aside and just focus on DP for now.
MammaMacgill87 · 04/10/2022 18:02
If dad is on the birth certificate she can't cancel child maintenance. If she wanted to child maintenance would ask for their own DNA to be done to remove dad from the certificate.
Who's DNA did she use for the test? Because if dad wasn't present she could only have done maternal then sibling dna, which can be flawed.
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 18:04
tickticksnooze · 04/10/2022 18:01
Are you saying you phoned this company as a third party and they just shared someone's sensitive medical data over the phone with you - a random stranger?
I gave them the reference number and just asked to confirm it was real and from their company. I didn't ask for any details. They said they can confirm it is one of theirs but can't give me any details.
No names were given, just the reference.
tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 18:05
MammaMacgill87 · 04/10/2022 18:02
If dad is on the birth certificate she can't cancel child maintenance. If she wanted to child maintenance would ask for their own DNA to be done to remove dad from the certificate.
Who's DNA did she use for the test? Because if dad wasn't present she could only have done maternal then sibling dna, which can be flawed.
She has done the test with the other man. It was DS and other man's DNA
Princessglittery · 04/10/2022 18:39
@tiddlywinks2 the letter can be genuine but it will only relate to the samples provided. It cannot guarantee the providence of the samples.
I recall reading about a case where a sample from a different child was used. There was a retest ordered by the court and the mother again tried to substitute the second child but the test was eventually completed on the original child and there was a match.
Before DH can be removed from the birth certificate you can insist on a court ordered DNA test where DH can guarantee the sample comes from DS by witnessing it.
It may not change the outcome but at least he would have 100% assurance.
The other thing I would point out is if DS Mum has always known DP was not his biological parent (he is still his Dad) she may have committed fraud.
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