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AIBU?

How to help DP

68 replies

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 15:32

I'm sorry, I'm posting for traffic as I'm desperate.

My DP has 2 children, he is a fantastic dad and loves his kids so much.

We've just received an email to say that DP isn't DS dad. DS is 10, his mum has told him. She isn't the easiest of people to deal with, in fact she is absolutely awful. She likes to use the kids as a weapon to get what she wants, with that in mind, we asked for proof. That has now been given.

DP is a mess, understandably. My concern is, last year he had a complete mental breakdown, he was so ill, contemplated suicide, it was just a horrible time. He's on the road to recovery, but isn't yet 100%. This news has destroyed him all over again.

How do I help? I feel at a complete loss, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to be there for him. I don't know how I can possibly make this easier for him, I'm so scared he's going to break down again. It's just a horrible horrible situation.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Report

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 16:18

Anyone?

OP posts:

yougotthelook · 04/10/2022 16:32

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 16:18

Anyone?

I think all you can do is point out that although he isn't DSs biological father, he's still his dad and always will be.
His ex sounds absolutely delightful...not!
Poor man he must feel terrible 😢

warofthemonstertrucks · 04/10/2022 16:39

My DP has been through a very bad time with his ex wife re the custody of their children and ended up in a Similar state to yours.
It became all encompassing for both of us-and it ended up affecting my mental health seeing him suffer so much and not being able to do anything about it.things that helped are getting him some medication, getting him some counselling, taking plenty of time out-the two of us-talking everything through and sort of simplifying everything else a bit-no testing social stuff for example -just going to ground a bit. And time tbh... it all takes time to process.
Yours/his sounds an awful situation-my sympathies to you both

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 16:40

Thank you for replying @yougotthelook, the difficulty I have is trying to support him. He's come home from work, I've told him to go upstairs and have some time. As my 3DC are playing.

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User38899953 · 04/10/2022 16:41

How old is the DC? I think is is really relevant o get good advice.

Is he absolutely sure she is telling the truth? Has he done his own test to conform.

Is child aware of it ?

yougotthelook · 04/10/2022 16:42

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 16:40

Thank you for replying @yougotthelook, the difficulty I have is trying to support him. He's come home from work, I've told him to go upstairs and have some time. As my 3DC are playing.

Honestly I think all you can do is be there for him whilst he processes it.
I really feel for you both xxxx

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 16:42

warofthemonstertrucks · 04/10/2022 16:39

My DP has been through a very bad time with his ex wife re the custody of their children and ended up in a Similar state to yours.
It became all encompassing for both of us-and it ended up affecting my mental health seeing him suffer so much and not being able to do anything about it.things that helped are getting him some medication, getting him some counselling, taking plenty of time out-the two of us-talking everything through and sort of simplifying everything else a bit-no testing social stuff for example -just going to ground a bit. And time tbh... it all takes time to process.
Yours/his sounds an awful situation-my sympathies to you both

It has been an awful couple of years to be honest, she really upped her disgusting behaviour recently, but this is just unbelievable. DP had no idea there was even a chance he wasn't DS dad.

He has a therapist and is already on medication due to his breakdown, I'm wondering whether I contact her and let her know?

OP posts:

User38899953 · 04/10/2022 16:43

So sorry, just reread and the 2nd paragraph was missing.

Mum has already told DC?

At that age all you DH can do is reassure child he is still his dad, still loves him etc.

Awful situation for them both and you x

DismantledKing · 04/10/2022 16:44

I wouldn’t even know where to start giving advice here. What a bombshell for him, and how unfair considering he was starting to recover from his MH crisis too.

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 16:44

User38899953 · 04/10/2022 16:41

How old is the DC? I think is is really relevant o get good advice.

Is he absolutely sure she is telling the truth? Has he done his own test to conform.

Is child aware of it ?

DC is 10. He knows, this is the message we received: 'I've told Ds about the situation, he wants a relationship with his dad, will you tell your mum or shall I?'

OP posts:

DismantledKing · 04/10/2022 16:44

She’s evil.

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 16:47

She has been trying to build a divide between DS and DP since they split. It didn't work as DS is besotted with his dad.

She would use a lot of excuses to keep them apart, mainly covid. We already have an appointment with a solicitor to have child arrangements made. This was booked before we found out this news.

The proof we received from her was a photograph of the letter, I've contacted the company it came from to confirm.

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WonkasBooboofixer · 04/10/2022 16:48

Well the evil bugger. He's the lads dad in everyway that matters and I think the key thing here is for him to speak to his son and reassure a little boy who must be incredibly confused that he is his dad and he will always be his dad - biology doesn't make a dad, actions do, christ knows what this will to to the poor little lads head.

shoplifteroftheworld · 04/10/2022 16:50

What a horrible thing to have happen to him. His ex is evil to have put him through this and must always have known that your DP wasn't her child's father. You're a good partner for wanting to know how best you can help him and I'm sure you played a big part in helping him through his difficulties last year. I think he should see a counsellor or therapist if he isn't already. Besides that I'd just shower him with love, remind him what a good person he is and, yes, reinforce the fact that he raised the boy and loves him dearly.

ICanHideButICantRun · 04/10/2022 16:51

What a horrible thing to happen to your poor partner and his son. A PP is right, he's still the boy's dad.

If I were him I'd reduce the CM and save that money for his son's future.

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 16:56

ICanHideButICantRun · 04/10/2022 16:51

What a horrible thing to happen to your poor partner and his son. A PP is right, he's still the boy's dad.

If I were him I'd reduce the CM and save that money for his son's future.

She's sent a message to say she's cancelled the CMS claim and would be amending the birth certificate.

DMIL is thankfully away, but I will have to try and speak to her when she gets back, before ex does. She really has thrown a grenade into the family.

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DismantledKing · 04/10/2022 16:57

What a vindictive monster she sounds.

PaisleyP · 04/10/2022 17:09

Oh god that is awful. All you can do is be there for him and support him and the child. Chances are the child will not want anything different in regards to seeing someone else as dad over night and won't push out DP. Kids are resilient little things. Once emotions have settled it'll all be ok.

warofthemonstertrucks · 04/10/2022 17:11

I wood encourage him to tell
The therapist himself tbh.

Is the letter definitely legit? Just as I know now from dealing with DP's ex wife that some people really are that vile that they would falsify something like this to get their own horrible way

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 17:14

warofthemonstertrucks · 04/10/2022 17:11

I wood encourage him to tell
The therapist himself tbh.

Is the letter definitely legit? Just as I know now from dealing with DP's ex wife that some people really are that vile that they would falsify something like this to get their own horrible way

Unfortunately it is, I've called the company.

She is just so vile. It's just such a shock, there has never been any questions over DS, this is a bolt out of the blue.

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tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 17:15

He has tried to call DS, but he thinks his number has been blocked

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warofthemonstertrucks · 04/10/2022 17:15

With re your DP-hate to say it but if he is really bad-and you will know what that looks like-don't leave him alone too long.
I worked from home a lot last year (sometimes I really took emergency leave but didn't tell DP as he would feel guilty about that on top) because there were days where I wasn't sure that if I left him I'd come back to find him still with us.
It's so hard because there is really nothing you can say to make any of it better.

Badgirlriri · 04/10/2022 17:20

I’d do your own test. She may have used someone else’s DNA?

tiddlywinks2 · 04/10/2022 17:20

warofthemonstertrucks · 04/10/2022 17:15

With re your DP-hate to say it but if he is really bad-and you will know what that looks like-don't leave him alone too long.
I worked from home a lot last year (sometimes I really took emergency leave but didn't tell DP as he would feel guilty about that on top) because there were days where I wasn't sure that if I left him I'd come back to find him still with us.
It's so hard because there is really nothing you can say to make any of it better.

At the moment that's not a problem, I'm currently not working due to a neurological problem.

I've messaged his boss, I had a lot of contact with him when DP was having a breakdown. He has been given the rest of the week off.

OP posts:

strawberry2017 · 04/10/2022 17:20

Have you googled the company to see if it's a legitimate company?

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