To ask if lack of reaction/empathy is a common thing in certain men?

[BeautifulBenji]

When I was younger I lived in a house share with a couple - the girl once fell over and hit her chin on the floor, blood everywhere, chin split open. And her boyfriend didn't get off his chair. Everyone in the room was around her, and then he stood up and took her to hospital. But I always remember that he sat there for 3 mins not doing anything.

My DH is a difficult man. He can be brilliant, but I'm finding his behaviour increasingly unacceptable.

There have been a few incidents where I've been really shocked at DH's lack of reaction. Cutting myself with a kitchen knife when making dinner - he finished his game on his phone, barely looked up. Our DS fell into the fire guard, he didn't move. Our DS wandered towards some concrete stairs when he was 2, DH moved so slowly I got there before he did. This morning, I smashed my head in the shower really hard in the ensuite and let out an almighty cry, you know that shock of hitting your head and you really shout out. He didn't move from his bed or say anything

When I questioned it - he said 'Oh love. Of course I care if you're OK just knew you weren't dead or anything' When I said his lack of reaction was weird he said 'don't fucking take it out on me'

Is this something anyone else recognises? It's not that he doesn't care about me or DS. He does then come to our aid. But in the moment, he doesn't bloody move. at all. Just like that other bloke. It's like the natural reaction of moving or saying something or doing anything doesn't happen in their brain.

I didn't know to put this AIBU or relationships - I'm just interested in whether this is a thing other people have seen in partners.

It has nothing to do with sex/ gender, he just has slow reflexes or feels paralysed when confronted with a sudden issue.

Well I was going to say my DH is a bit like this - kind and compassionate but like a chip in his head is missing as he doesn't have that normal run and hug reaction unless prompted. But loving definitely.

Then when I got to the bit in your post where he said 'don't fucking take it out on me', well, he just sounds like an asshole, sorry.

My DH reacts to me crying with anger or indifference - afterwards he says it makes him uncomfortalble and he's "not sure what I want him to do"

And this is the person you decided to marry and procreate it with. Why?

Finishing a game before paying attention to someone you allegedly love who is in pain or barely moving while your two year old is in danger isn’t ‘logical’. There’s nothing ‘logical’ about this man’s behaviour.

People with highly systematising brains (brilliant technicians, detail focused, good memory for facts, precise, deeply focused) will likely have relative weaknesses in empathy, emotions, social communication, autobiographical memory. We don't all have our brains organised in the same way, and the cost of some strengths is some weaknesses. While other people have more all round strengths and fewer specialisms. I'm a therapist (so fairly much an empathy specialist!) who works with lots of people (not just men) with these strengths (and weaknesses). Cut dh some slack I think!

It is logical in the sense that there are numerous possible perfectly normal reasons:

• Reduced peripheral vision- genuinely didn’t see anything
• Hyper-focus- ADHD related oblivious to everything else when focussed on a task.
• socialisation- for males minor accident with minor pain is embarrassing and best to pretend not happening for sake of the sufferer to retain dignity. Sort of like the cat that misses a jump and then acts like they meant to trip over their own tail all along. That’s how boys are raised.
• desensitisation- exposure to high levels violence means small things don’t even register. Could be in job or past home life or prison. It’s a survival mechanism so you’re not hyper-vigilant.
• empathy fatigue- when you are living with a drama llama that cries Wolf a lot, after awhile you tend to ignore. My little sister is a drama llama…drops butter knife on the floor and howls in misery FFS! Gah! Why is this happening to me?! Dammit can nothing go right….
• true lack of empathy- yes it’s possible. But then he would not always come to OPs and DCs aid after the initial moment as she said he does so this is not much of a contender imho.

@Runningintolife "cut DH some slack"

He doesn't move towards our kids when they're in danger? He gets v angry when I cry and says I'm doing it on purpose?

And @Discovereads definitely not a "drams lama" (though I like the phrase). I'm v resilient when ill or hurt. Was off the sofa sorting shit out days after giving birth. It's not that.

Also he does come to our aid in the sense that he asks if we are alright once I've badgered him. But it come so unnaturally to me.

I don't think I'm describing things v well. Like some people have said with the other bloke I described that he was probably just being calm...his girlfriends chin was split open and he was sitting there looking vaguely irritated, no reaction, no concern, nothing.

Though I do take desensitisation as an option @Discovereads He saw a lot of horrible shit as a youngster at home. Suicide attempts. Sibling with psychosis. Sister pregnant at 15.

I really don’t think men as a whole lack empathy. It’s not a man thing, it’s a shitty person thing.
My husband would never dream of sitting there playing a game on his phone if I or DD hurt ourselves. That’s really weird.

@Badger1970 sorry for what you are experiencing.

I always find that the ones to need / expect the most support give me the least.

And @Discovereads definitely not a "drams lama" (though I like the phrase). I'm v resilient when ill or hurt. Was off the sofa sorting shit out days after giving birth. It's not that.

Sorry, I wrote that horribly. I can see you are no drama llama. I got carried away thinking of possibilities and only at the end thought…hey but does it apply to OP?I noted for the last one and then promptly forgot to work back up my list and do the same check on the prior ones…. Sorry for that.

Some people have slower reactions. It does seem more common in men though. Maybe something to do with women reacting more to babies/ children's cries or having to protect the children in cave man days or something?

It is odd.

Let’s run through these in sequence, shall we? Let’s use two year old in danger example.

• He did see it. He was moving, just really slowly. Not logical.
• As above. He wasn’t hyper focused. He moved, just slowly. Not logical.
• No gender is socialised to let a child seriously injure themselves. Not logical.
• There is no level of desensitisation that makes it logical to allow a child to injure themselves. Anyone who is that removed from the pain of others shouldn’t have kids or be in a relationship, and it would make zero sense for them to do so. So, again, not logical.
• A two year old cannot be a ‘drama llama’. To treat a helpless toddler like they are an attention seeking adult isn’t logical.
• If he lacks empathy, then she should leave him.

Stop trying to rationalise garbage behaviour. It’s incredibly unhelpful (and possibly dangerous) to people who are seeking advice and support. Also, not logical.

I always find that the ones to need / expect the most support give me the least.

Me too.

In fact, i found that I came to learn that it was all one-way empathy and support by him utterly failing to support me when it really, really mattered. Not just failing to support me, but expecting me to feel sorry for him and put his feelings and wants first.

It was a very bad time to realise that it wasn’t that he’d never had occasion or opportunity to step up for me before that; it was that he simply wasn’t going to. He was too busy crying ‘poor me’ with his head stuck up his own arse.

He gets v angry when I cry and says I'm doing it on purpose?
Though I do take desensitisation as an option @Discovereads He saw a lot of horrible shit as a youngster at home. Suicide attempts. Sibling with psychosis. Sister pregnant at 15.

Hmm. Ok, I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist or licensed mental health professional of any sort. I do though have experience as a patient shall we say having also seen a lot of horrible shit as a child, and I do have psychosis as one of my conditions.

So, these suicide attempts and psychosis, was the family member in question a frequent crier due to being mentally unwell such that the crying was often perceived as manipulative by the parents because it was exaggerated or inappropriate for the situation? (Many people don’t understand emotion dysregulation which is just a fancy way of saying uncontrollably feeling OTT or inappropriate emotions due to mental illness or other neurological cause).

If this at all strikes a chord with you, his angry reaction will likely be learned behaviour modelled by his parents. Something he should try and unlearn because he’s unconsciously repeating history and while he can feel angry when you cry, he needs to start identifying that emotion and then start consciously acting to comfort anyway. Feel the anger, do it anyway. Don’t try and say change how you feel now too, this is probably hard wired into his brain.

But this is an opportunity because you can tell him this is the action I need from you when I cry. So he knows not only to stop acting angry, but what to do instead that is exactly what you want and need. If it’s a quick hug and a peck on the head…great. If it’s a cup of tea…good. Pat on the hand and a sympathetic there there I got your back. Pick the one kind gesture that comforts you the most and ask for just that. At first he will do it while feeling the anger….angry hug, angrily make a cup of tea..but new neural pathways will start to form because the new action itself generates different emotions and after the actions become habit, the anger emotions will get less and less strong until they are replaced by the new emotions that probably have him feeling better too..no one likes to feel angry.

Of course though, he has to trust you. If he genuinely believes you cry on purpose….then the above will not work. Maybe just saying, hey will probably cry less if I get that hug or whatever when I do cry, let’s give it a shot.

I don’t think I react either. I want to, but nothing happens. I do care, I just don’t know what to do. It’s not for lack of empathy.

I wouldn’t be as callous as saying “don’t take it out on me”. Once I’ve been sort of re-activated I’ll do anything to help after. Just no good in a crisis I suppose

Im.a man and the first situation smakes of someone seeking attention....you were all around her...
second no he should be there unless l like me he milks
every injury....why because I am so much bigger and heavier than she is and it's funny

Let’s run through these in sequence, shall we? Let’s use two year old in danger example.
Ok the “Our DS wandered towards some concrete stairs when he was 2, DH moved so slowly I got there before he did.”

But you do realise the possibilities were not meant to all be applied to every scenario? They are (logically) meant to be assessed for applicability. So I think you are using them in an illogical fashion really.

He did see it. He was moving, just really slowly. Out of two people reacting, one will be slower. The fact OP got there before he did, doesn’t indicate anything not logical

He wasn’t hyper focused. He moved, just slowly. Ok? Some people are faster than others. It’s called reaction processing speeds. Which can be affected by hyper focus. Also logical

No gender is socialised to let a child seriously injure themselves. Good thing I didn’t say that. I said minor accident with minor injury. So not logically applicable to the 2yr old wandering by concrete stairs scenario, more logical to apply to falling into the fire guard (which did its job and fully protected the child from the fire).

There is no level of desensitisation that makes it logical to allow a child to injure themselves. Anyone who is that removed from the pain of others shouldn’t have kids or be in a relationship, and it would make zero sense for them to do so. Funny you used the word “allow” I was thinking of the cut finger with a knife scenario unpredictable very minor things that just happen. So again not applicable to the scenario of a child wandering by concrete stairs.

A two year old cannot be a ‘drama llama’. To treat a helpless toddler like they are an attention seeking adult isn’t logical. Again, not logically applicable to the 2yr old serious danger scenario but rather to the not rushing to a ow bonked my head in the shower scenario.

Things do tend to seem illogical when you don’t use any logic when deciding whether or not they even apply to a scenario.

Stop trying to rationalise garbage behaviour. It’s incredibly unhelpful (and possibly dangerous) to people who are seeking advice and support. Also, not logical. Why? “Rationalise garbage behaviour” rationalise literally means to understand why into order to stop or weed out something undesirable like garbage behaviour. Not sure how that process can be unhelpful or dangerous.

Sorry that long response was to @Tsort

Me: Finishing a game before paying attention to someone you allegedly love who is in pain or barely moving while your two year old is in danger isn’t ‘logical’. There’s nothing ‘logical’ about this man’s behaviour.

You: yes, there is. Gives a variety of scenarios.

Me: applies each of the scenarios to one of the two examples in my comment, to which you replied with said scenarios.

You: well, they weren’t meant to be applied to that one. They aren’t relevant to that one.

I see. Very logical.

Also, rationalise means ‘attempt to explain or justify (behaviour or an attitude) with logical reasons, even if these are not appropriate’. So, again, no.

Oh, God. I just realised who I was talking to. Rational conversation will not be happening here. I’m out. You take care. 😂

He just doesn’t see any of it as his responsibility.

I haven’t been in a relationship for a very long time. I developed a chronic illness in adulthood and my dear dad showed me so much empathy and love as he did to my mum. When I was incredibly ill he reacted quickly to all my needs.

Yes, very logical glad you see my logic now. It just wasn’t logical of you to mistakenly assume that my response to you saying “nothing is logical about this man’s behaviour” would mean that each and every possible explanation I listed was meant to all be applied to every example/scenario. It’s quite logically obvious that possible explanations can be sole or combined in a variety of ways depending on logical analysis of applicability.

Also, rationalise means ‘attempt to explain or justify (behaviour or an attitude) with logical reasons, even if these are not appropriate’. So, again, no.

Er, that definition is not listed in the dictionary.

Rationalise
-verb weed out unwanted or unnecessary things
-verb structure and run according to rational or scientific principles in order to achieve desired results
-verb remove irrational quantities from
-verb defend, explain, clear away, or make excuses for by reasoning
-verb think rationally; employ logic or reason

When one wonders why one is doing certain things, one should rationalise.

www.wordnik.com/words/rationalise
www.thefreedictionary.com/rationalise

When I said his lack of reaction was weird he said 'don't fucking take it out on me'

That's a pretty nasty reaction. Swearing at a partner like that, isn't normal or nice. It doesn't sound as though he likes you very much. Or perhaps only likes you when you're doing things that conform with his wishes.