To ask if lack of reaction/empathy is a common thing in certain men?

[BeautifulBenji]

When I was younger I lived in a house share with a couple - the girl once fell over and hit her chin on the floor, blood everywhere, chin split open. And her boyfriend didn't get off his chair. Everyone in the room was around her, and then he stood up and took her to hospital. But I always remember that he sat there for 3 mins not doing anything.

My DH is a difficult man. He can be brilliant, but I'm finding his behaviour increasingly unacceptable.

There have been a few incidents where I've been really shocked at DH's lack of reaction. Cutting myself with a kitchen knife when making dinner - he finished his game on his phone, barely looked up. Our DS fell into the fire guard, he didn't move. Our DS wandered towards some concrete stairs when he was 2, DH moved so slowly I got there before he did. This morning, I smashed my head in the shower really hard in the ensuite and let out an almighty cry, you know that shock of hitting your head and you really shout out. He didn't move from his bed or say anything

When I questioned it - he said 'Oh love. Of course I care if you're OK just knew you weren't dead or anything' When I said his lack of reaction was weird he said 'don't fucking take it out on me'

Is this something anyone else recognises? It's not that he doesn't care about me or DS. He does then come to our aid. But in the moment, he doesn't bloody move. at all. Just like that other bloke. It's like the natural reaction of moving or saying something or doing anything doesn't happen in their brain.

I didn't know to put this AIBU or relationships - I'm just interested in whether this is a thing other people have seen in partners.

@2bazookas Virgo like the star sign?

@MrsTerryPratchett DH has adoring parents. V religious though. V insular.

I had an angry dad.

I've finally signed up for therapy

I feel totally lost at the moment. Its like my DH doesn't love me. But then I think maybe it's just character to be uncomfortable with things and as someone said maybe he thinks I'm dramatic or crying over nothing. Probably

You haven't described being over dramatic or crying over nothing though. What you have described is a partner who doesn't seem to understand any emotion apart from anger. Which is down to a lack of emotional literacy in his upbringing. Which is his issue, not yours.

I think men and women can both lack empathy (see AIBU posts).

I suppose a question to ask is whether the lack of empathy makes your relationship dysfunctional.

If what you say about your husband is correct, then is this behaviour something that has just appeared from nowhere ? Has he always been like this or has he changed ?

My guess is that he has always been like this, and that for some reason in the past you were willing to settle for this behaviour and now for some reason (maybe because you feel it affects your child) you aren't.

Maybe it is time to think how you can form a relationship based on both of your strengths rather than your weaknesses. For example there must be some things he is really good at, or else you wouldn't still be with him. So what are those things ?

What comes to mind is that some people only respond if they have the idea they need to act with purpose. Purpose does not include showing empathy unless they have learned somehow to include "show empathy towards someone in my life when they hurt themselves or are upset" to a mental list. Purpose would be because the water was still on and flooding the shower after you fell if you see what I mean.

DH is being a bit like this at the moment. My Dad is terminally ill, I feel permanently sick and DH is just "cold" about it. I hand held him through losing his Dad the same way a few years ago and tbh, it's making me really question our relationship.

I'm not in the headspace to deal with it, but I think we've got a serious conversation to be had in the future at some point. If you can't be "in the moment" with someone, what's the point?

My DP is definitely like this and has ASD. I have to give him an instruction (“help me up”) and he will do it, so it's not that he doesn’t care. He just cannot put himself in another person’s position and think ‘what do they need right now?’. It can be hard to live with.

I think you're right about "purpose" @Isthisexpected

DH would say "but I could see you were OK so what would jumping up do?" Or "I know you're upset but I don't have anything to suggest so I didn't stop looking at my phone"

He doesn't see point of reacting. Though to be honest with DS nearly throwing himself down some stairs and he didn't move and he just shrugged

Me and my partner were in relationship counselling for a while, a professional said to me that men and woman ARE in-fact wired differently and a man who has been brought up with more woman in his life has a bit more of the woman brain in him and a man brought up with more men is more wired like a man. My partner was very much like yours OP, we have both currently decided to see our therapist separately to uncover some childhood traumas and figure ourselves out. I understand how much it hurts and sympathise with what you are going through.

Because big boys don't cry and emotions are for pussies. 🤷🏻
If you grow up with that in society, how do you expect not to be emotionally shut.

Mind me they usually feel it inside, but even on here if men were reacting as emotionally as women would, they would be called wimps and toddlers. I am pretty sure I remember thread about a guy who cried when emotional and it was not pretty thread.

Also, maybe he is just "meh" because it happens often? I love my dh but I also just go with "well i heard you were alive and you didn't need help so".

DP is utterly empathetic. But he freezes. I don't, so in any dramatic situation, he says what gives him the 'nudge' is the sight of me already about six foot ahead and on the move, at which point he usually follows.

When I've dropped something or there's a thud, there's always a pause where I reckon he's trying to work out what to do next on the basis of if I call him or whether there's an Ominous silence. And I do have to say I'd like a hug.

It's nothing to do with not caring, it's to do with processing and reaction times and whether he already knows what to do.

Your husband sounds a bit odd OP. I'm not particularly emotional but there's a difference between emotional and unresponsive!

If my wife cuts her hand I usually go into two emotional responses. When I cook I cut into the chopping board. My wife puts things in the palm of her hand and cuts into her hand (if that makes sense). I crab my fingers to slice onions. She lays her fingers flat on top 🙈

So usually it's, "are you ok" worried and concerned, followed by, "for goodness sake" in frustration and bewilderment 😂

I've finally signed up for therapy

Good for you! I think it's a great idea.

My husband has more empathy than I do - i only have to say “ouch” from another room and he shouts out if i am okay! I on the other hand would only react if there was screaming!

I don't understand people who don't react at all. Maybe I'm too much the other way. If someone looks a bit upset I'm straight in with the hug.

Ew.
I hate hugs unless I ask for them.
That for me is worse than no reaction

My husband is exactly the same. I remember hurting myself when child was 4yo. As I called out in pain child ran over, husband continued on his phone after checking I wasn’t on fire. Child shouted, ‘ Quick Dad, mum’s hurt’. I was devastated. I thought he was thinking ‘ Oh here we go again, more titty drama!’
But, I have just realised my husband is a lovely man but he has absolutely no emotional intelligence.
Like many people our generation, emotion and feelings we’re not discussed or aired in his home. No one talked about feelings, all their energy went on getting by day by day. The only acceptable emotion was anger ( not abusive anger, just a bit of shouting). No one said ‘I love you’, even though they did love each other.
It’s horrible for me though because I feel like my feelings don’t matter.

My DH reacts to me crying with anger or indifference

The crying thing he says when I cry about something it makes him feel like I'm blaming him or doing it to make him feel bad. Which I'm not. Basically when he doesn't know what to do he gets angry.

*This morning, I smashed my head in the shower really hard in the ensuite and let out an almighty cry, you know that shock of hitting your head and you really shout out. He didn't move from his bed or say anything

When I questioned it - he said 'Oh love. Of course I care if you're OK just knew you weren't dead or anything' When I said his lack of reaction was weird he said 'don't fucking take it out on me'*

He sounds fkg horrible.

This behaviour is not a male thing, it's a him thing.

You've also mentioned him saying cold, horrible things.

Oh and incidentally; he can't know you're ok after cracking your head v hard off something. You need to be on alert for quite some time after someone hits their head hard.

Yes I have seen this too

I'm not convinced that this is either a "man" thing or a generational thing.

My late Dad would never have not reacted with concern and care if my Mum had hurt herself or something. He reacted v quickly to her choking on bacon on holiday once and good thing he did, because us kids were in hysterics, not having a clue that it was dangerous.

I’m not sure why rushing to crowd around someone who has been injured is better than not joining the rush, but getting up and taking them to hospital.

Likewise I know loads and loads of men who would react very quickly to any sign of danger for a small kid.

I think posters on here are saying "oh yeah, my man is like that, it's men". Sorry, it's not men.

Might be shit men though.

*than, not but

*nevermind 🤦🏻‍♀️

Since you've said "certain men" op, then perhaps, yes.

I'd have to define those men as poor partner (and parent) quality.