When I was younger I lived in a house share with a couple - the girl once fell over and hit her chin on the floor, blood everywhere, chin split open. And her boyfriend didn't get off his chair. Everyone in the room was around her, and then he stood up and took her to hospital. But I always remember that he sat there for 3 mins not doing anything.
My DH is a difficult man. He can be brilliant, but I'm finding his behaviour increasingly unacceptable.
There have been a few incidents where I've been really shocked at DH's lack of reaction. Cutting myself with a kitchen knife when making dinner - he finished his game on his phone, barely looked up. Our DS fell into the fire guard, he didn't move. Our DS wandered towards some concrete stairs when he was 2, DH moved so slowly I got there before he did. This morning, I smashed my head in the shower really hard in the ensuite and let out an almighty cry, you know that shock of hitting your head and you really shout out. He didn't move from his bed or say anything
When I questioned it - he said 'Oh love. Of course I care if you're OK just knew you weren't dead or anything' When I said his lack of reaction was weird he said 'don't fucking take it out on me'
Is this something anyone else recognises? It's not that he doesn't care about me or DS. He does then come to our aid. But in the moment, he doesn't bloody move. at all. Just like that other bloke. It's like the natural reaction of moving or saying something or doing anything doesn't happen in their brain.
I didn't know to put this AIBU or relationships - I'm just interested in whether this is a thing other people have seen in partners.
AIBU?
To ask if lack of reaction/empathy is a common thing in certain men?
BeautifulBenji · 04/10/2022 14:09
Discovereads · 06/10/2022 23:28
Yes, very logical glad you see my logic now. It just wasn’t logical of you to mistakenly assume that my response to you saying “nothing is logical about this man’s behaviour” would mean that each and every possible explanation I listed was meant to all be applied to every example/scenario. It’s quite logically obvious that possible explanations can be sole or combined in a variety of ways depending on logical analysis of applicability.
Also, rationalise means ‘attempt to explain or justify (behaviour or an attitude) with logical reasons, even if these are not appropriate’. So, again, no.
Er, that definition is not listed in the dictionary.
Rationalise
-verb weed out unwanted or unnecessary things
-verb structure and run according to rational or scientific principles in order to achieve desired results
-verb remove irrational quantities from
-verb defend, explain, clear away, or make excuses for by reasoning
-verb think rationally; employ logic or reason
When one wonders why one is doing certain things, one should rationalise.
www.wordnik.com/words/rationalise
www.thefreedictionary.com/rationalise
Tsort · 06/10/2022 23:08
Me: Finishing a game before paying attention to someone you allegedly love who is in pain or barely moving while your two year old is in danger isn’t ‘logical’. There’s nothing ‘logical’ about this man’s behaviour.
You: yes, there is. Gives a variety of scenarios.
Me: applies each of the scenarios to one of the two examples in my comment, to which you replied with said scenarios.
You: well, they weren’t meant to be applied to that one. They aren’t relevant to that one.
I see. Very logical.
Also, rationalise means ‘attempt to explain or justify (behaviour or an attitude) with logical reasons, even if these are not appropriate’. So, again, no.
Discovereads · 06/10/2022 22:55
Let’s run through these in sequence, shall we? Let’s use two year old in danger example.
Ok the “Our DS wandered towards some concrete stairs when he was 2, DH moved so slowly I got there before he did.”
But you do realise the possibilities were not meant to all be applied to every scenario? They are (logically) meant to be assessed for applicability. So I think you are using them in an illogical fashion really.
He did see it. He was moving, just really slowly. Out of two people reacting, one will be slower. The fact OP got there before he did, doesn’t indicate anything not logical
He wasn’t hyper focused. He moved, just slowly. Ok? Some people are faster than others. It’s called reaction processing speeds. Which can be affected by hyper focus. Also logical
No gender is socialised to let a child seriously injure themselves. Good thing I didn’t say that. I said minor accident with minor injury. So not logically applicable to the 2yr old wandering by concrete stairs scenario, more logical to apply to falling into the fire guard (which did its job and fully protected the child from the fire).
There is no level of desensitisation that makes it logical to allow a child to injure themselves. Anyone who is that removed from the pain of others shouldn’t have kids or be in a relationship, and it would make zero sense for them to do so. Funny you used the word “allow” I was thinking of the cut finger with a knife scenario unpredictable very minor things that just happen. So again not applicable to the scenario of a child wandering by concrete stairs.
A two year old cannot be a ‘drama llama’. To treat a helpless toddler like they are an attention seeking adult isn’t logical. Again, not logically applicable to the 2yr old serious danger scenario but rather to the not rushing to a ow bonked my head in the shower scenario.
Things do tend to seem illogical when you don’t use any logic when deciding whether or not they even apply to a scenario.
Stop trying to rationalise garbage behaviour. It’s incredibly unhelpful (and possibly dangerous) to people who are seeking advice and support. Also, not logical. Why? “Rationalise garbage behaviour” rationalise literally means to understand why into order to stop or weed out something undesirable like garbage behaviour. Not sure how that process can be unhelpful or dangerous.
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