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AIBU?

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Original poster

Invited to dinner but they had already eaten

105 replies

Peterandpam · 03/10/2022 21:55

family Member and I had to borrow an item of each other so decided that I would go to her house tonight to swap items. She called this morning and asked if we wanted to stay for dinner. We said that would be lovely and both discussed food options and settled on a take away after a conversation on what to get from the shop. Late this afternoon I get a text saying we are now getting something from the supermarket as we fancy something healthier. I replied saying thats good for us as we are both being good with what we eat. When we turn up they have already eaten. My partner and I where starving hungry when we turned up so ended up rushing to the shop after as we had nothing in. Surely from the messages I haven’t miss read them have I ?

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 04/10/2022 06:59

did you not ask whey they had already eaten?

MimiSunshine · 04/10/2022 07:02

Peterandpam · 03/10/2022 22:35

Yes we had spent ages deciding on take away or supermarket so I said it’s up to you as your the one hosting. So when it came for her to change the plans to supermarket I figured she just couldn’t decide. When we got there they had empty plates on the table and where clearing up. We also turned up on time

Im assuming from your 1st sentence that you believed they we’re paying for takeaway and I would assume they thought the takeaway cost would be split between you both so they realised it was going to cost a more than they could afford it wanted to spend so they cancelled the takeaway idea but communicated it poorly.

i know MN believes that the one who suggested going out / getting a takeaway always pays but I wouldn’t expect that unless someone explicitly says ‘my treat’.

ultimately yes I would have expected food and they were poor communicators but a simple ‘shall we bring anything’ from you would have helped clarify things.

Moonlight75 · 04/10/2022 07:24

Did you offer to pay for the takeaway?’ Maybe that’s why they changed their mind. They didn’t make it very clear though but it seems they didn’t want to spend more money on you

Anniegetyourgun · 04/10/2022 07:28

OP already said she was put out because they had not eaten and didn't have anything in for an evening meal, having expected the invitation to dinner to include, well, dinner 😕
Wouldn't it have been just a trifle clearer and caused less awkwardness, not more, to clarify the payment issue? "Sorry, if it's takeaway I'm going to need to go halves, hope that's ok"? Not "we're getting something different", from which the OP is supposed to divine the "which excludes you". It's easy enough to work out what they meant in hindsight, but before turning up to discover they'd eaten it I for one would still have believed the food offer stood. I might have needed that nudge to realise I should pay (bit of a one for missed cues), but wouldn't have an issue doing so. Hmm, maybe she was waiting for you to say you'd pay for all of it and then switched when you didn't offer? No reason why you should, of course.

reader12 · 04/10/2022 07:30

Maybe her DP is grumpy / tight and vetoed the plan once he got wind of it and she was too embarrassed to explain. Or she was hoping you would offer the pay half. It’s rubbish on their part either way.

Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 07:35

YANBU but I do think they tried telling you with their message about the supermarket.

But this is why I hate when people hint or beat around the bush as it’s not for you to try and work out what they’re trying to say.

I’m wondering if they thought you were paying halves and when it became obvious you weren’t going to then they chose to eat earlier.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/10/2022 07:44

It's just a miscommunication. Does it really matter? Don't overthink it is my advice.

AsAnyFuleKno · 04/10/2022 07:45

It was an ambiguous message and your reply made it clear you'd interpreted it that they'd be cooking so there was no excuse not to clarify it.

Firstly, the original message should have been clearer - they could have added: 'I wanted to let you know so you could sort your own dinner out' or similar.

After your reply, they could have said, 'Sorry, I meant we will just be cooking for the two of us.'

Whattheactualfcku · 04/10/2022 07:47

Maybe the option was take away together or just get something yourself from supermarket? Doubt they’d have done it intentionally and clearly crossed wires.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/10/2022 07:55

I would have still expected dinner too. A change in menu or where from does not mean a cancellation of dinner, it just means different food.

Is there a DP problem though?

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 07:57

InPraiseOfBacchus · 03/10/2022 23:35

I wouldn't have read this as a cancellation because I would rather the ground swallow me up than do this to a friend!

Then again I have some non-British cultural heritage. I find a lot of English people are very comfortable with being stingy hosts.

You need better friends. All the English people I know are incredibly generous hosts.

WinOutdoors · 04/10/2022 08:01

I think they decided they couldn't or didn't want to pay for a take away. Personally I'd have still catered for you too, but as the original plan was to (I assume) share the cost of dinner, they fidntvthink that had changed.

But they're a relative you're borrowing things from, so presumably like. Talk to them about it.

NotQuiteHere · 04/10/2022 08:16

Once you saw they had finished dinner, couldn't you just order takeaway for yourselves? Maybe they had eaten precisely because they assumed that you would do that?
People should talk more rather than suffer in silence and then appeal to MN to condemn others for rude behaviour.

Wheresthebeach · 04/10/2022 08:29

I agree its crossed wires, but it odd of them to not make it clear they were cancelling if you'd discussed supermarket v take away. I think they were under an obligation to be clear dinner was off.

Live and learn and be very careful with them in the future about plans. I wouldn't get back in touch about the dinner though.

bananaboats · 04/10/2022 08:31

I think it just sounds like a miscommunication don't think its that big of a deal. Lots people seem to be jumping on the DH being the issue here but not sure where that's coming from. I would have read the message as a cancellation of dinner and your reply as acceptance of that.

sue20 · 04/10/2022 08:32

InPraiseOfBacchus · 03/10/2022 23:35

I wouldn't have read this as a cancellation because I would rather the ground swallow me up than do this to a friend!

Then again I have some non-British cultural heritage. I find a lot of English people are very comfortable with being stingy hosts.

Unnecessary stupid and offensive post.

letitbeknown · 04/10/2022 08:34

I would have assumed they meant they were cooking for you all.
If they were wanting to eat before you got there - which it sounds like they did (which is also odd considering all of the conversations you had arranging this), they could have said "we'll have ours before you arrive" or something along those lines to let you know.
Did you say anything?

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/10/2022 08:35

Screenshot the actual messages

Beautiful3 · 04/10/2022 08:36

I would have thought the same as you. That they're cooking a healthy dinner instead of the take away. Why didn't you ask? I would text and ask, how come dinner was cancelled. Otherwise its going to fester.

Samarie123 · 04/10/2022 08:40

I'm assuming they wanted you to go halves on a takeaway. And since you didn't they changed their minds and rightly so.

SleeplessInEngland · 04/10/2022 08:43

You both should have been more specific, but if I was the friend I'd have been embarrassed. Was she?

incywincyspidery · 04/10/2022 08:43

Misunderstanding. As others have said- she was cancelling on you but you didn't realise. Maybe she could have been more obvious and said they'd get something from the supermarket for themselves and eat earlier but she's not done it on purpose.

Frogsalad · 04/10/2022 08:43

I never understand posts like this. You ask a bunch of random strangers "have we mis-read" some messages you have relayed. Clearly not, by the way you've stated them but why you wouldn't just say to your friend "sorry, I thought we were eating eat, did I mis-read your messages?" while you were actually with them?!? You could save yourself a lot of time by just asking the other person involved.

EwwSprouts · 04/10/2022 08:44

I'm with you OP. They said the food was changing not 'we're not now going to eat with you'.

Johnnysgirl · 04/10/2022 08:44

gaymeanshappy · 03/10/2022 22:35

Me too, I'd have assumed that they were going to go and buy some food to make us all dinner with!

Show quote history

Of course that's how you'd take it. Mystified at the "it's perfectly clear they were cancelling dinner" posters 🤔