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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to dinner but they had already eaten

105 replies

Peterandpam · 03/10/2022 21:55

family Member and I had to borrow an item of each other so decided that I would go to her house tonight to swap items. She called this morning and asked if we wanted to stay for dinner. We said that would be lovely and both discussed food options and settled on a take away after a conversation on what to get from the shop. Late this afternoon I get a text saying we are now getting something from the supermarket as we fancy something healthier. I replied saying thats good for us as we are both being good with what we eat. When we turn up they have already eaten. My partner and I where starving hungry when we turned up so ended up rushing to the shop after as we had nothing in. Surely from the messages I haven’t miss read them have I ?

OP posts:
Felicity42 · 03/10/2022 23:38

Maybe her partner had other ideas about what and when he wanted to eat...and she went along with that?
Otherwise maybe crossed wires, she thought you were bringing a takeaway for yourselves? Or that she would be 'hosting' the takeaway and paying for four meals? Then they couldn't afford that so made something before you got there.

midlifecrash · 03/10/2022 23:41

Mean. Rude.

Starryskiesinthesky · 03/10/2022 23:41

I disagree with the whole thing about them misunderstanding. You said thats fine as we are also trying to eat healthily - that sounds to me like we are fine with you cooking healthy food. I think they have been totally rude.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 03/10/2022 23:42

GoodVibesHere · 03/10/2022 22:16

You misunderstood. From what you've written, they were telling you that they had decided to get something from the supermarket instead and you replied that was fine with you. So why did you expect food when you arrived?

Well it's ambiguous. It obviously means that they're not going to do the takeaway anymore and will just get something from the supermarket. But for whom? For just themselves? Or also for the people who they have already invited round for dinner?

Pineappleflowers · 03/10/2022 23:45

mrsjimhopper · 03/10/2022 22:20

I think they are at fault in this situation. If I was un-Inviting people I'd make it very clear. I'd also assume I was still invited for food but having something from the supermarket rather than a take away.

Me too! If you invite someone round for dinner, and then decide not to provide food after all, that’s something to be super clear about!!

Summerfun54321 · 03/10/2022 23:53

But what did they do when you said you were hungry and hadn’t eaten as you were expecting to eat together? You did say something surely?

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 03/10/2022 23:54

Peterandpam · 03/10/2022 22:35

Yes we had spent ages deciding on take away or supermarket so I said it’s up to you as your the one hosting. So when it came for her to change the plans to supermarket I figured she just couldn’t decide. When we got there they had empty plates on the table and where clearing up. We also turned up on time

So it would have taken you all of 5 minutes to swap the items, say "oh I think I misunderstood your message, we still haven't eaten so we'll be on our way", and go and get the takeaway you'd originally fancied. I'm really not sure how you ended up being so put out by this.

Trez1510 · 04/10/2022 00:12

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 03/10/2022 23:54

So it would have taken you all of 5 minutes to swap the items, say "oh I think I misunderstood your message, we still haven't eaten so we'll be on our way", and go and get the takeaway you'd originally fancied. I'm really not sure how you ended up being so put out by this.

Show quote history

^ This.

NeverCleanAgain · 04/10/2022 00:13

If I’d had a loose text conversation with a mate about getting a takeaway while at my/ her house I’d have assumed we’d be going halves. If, when I asked if she fancied Indian/Chinese/whatever, she replied “up to you, you’re the one hosting” I would have worried she thought that me hosting meant I was also paying and probably done exactly what your mate did. I would like to think I’d have made it clearer but sometimes it’s awkward when you can’t afford/ don’t want to pay for the lot so I can understand the confusion.

Who were you expecting to pay?

AutumnCrow · 04/10/2022 00:16

Peterandpam · 03/10/2022 22:35

Yes we had spent ages deciding on take away or supermarket so I said it’s up to you as your the one hosting. So when it came for her to change the plans to supermarket I figured she just couldn’t decide. When we got there they had empty plates on the table and where clearing up. We also turned up on time

And you said ... ??

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/10/2022 00:24

They sound rude. Perhaps you would have been going halves on the takeaway? That’s fine. But as they decided to grab some supermarket food, I’d expect them to be feeding me as I was initially invited to dinner.

Frances0911 · 04/10/2022 00:29

She was basically uninviting you, but didn't make it clear - bit rude on her part I think.

AutumnCrow · 04/10/2022 00:35

When you arrived, did your arses even touch the seats? What actually happened?

Wife2b · 04/10/2022 00:45

How confusing, I’d have read that they were buying food from the supermarket and intended to cook for all of you. Bizarre that this wasn’t clarified before you turned up - they should have messaged you beforehand if they were cancelling.

greenteafiend · 04/10/2022 00:53

She was a bit casual/rude and did not communicate clearly.

She should have messaged and said "Did you order the takeaway yet, by the way?" and if you said "No," she should have said "I actually think I need to eat something a bit lighter. Perhaps you can just order TA for yourself and I'll bring something for myself from the supermarket. Or if you like, I can get supermarket food for all of us? Let me know."

BlackberryCat · 04/10/2022 02:00

GoodVibesHere · 03/10/2022 22:16

You misunderstood. From what you've written, they were telling you that they had decided to get something from the supermarket instead and you replied that was fine with you. So why did you expect food when you arrived?

But the Op said "I replied saying thats good for us as we are both being good with what we eat." So it seems obvious to me she still expected to be fed.

I think they were trying to cancel, maybe they were worried about cost, but felt embarrassed so didn't phrase it well.

WetLettuce2 · 04/10/2022 04:14

They cancelled on you in a confusing and clumsy way.
Plus, uninviting guests is so rude, particularly at short notice and with no real reason (everyone can eat healthier).

StoppinBy · 04/10/2022 05:59

I would have assumed they were now cooking for everyone instead of all buying takeaway.

Unless they specifically said they were just going to do their own dinner I can't see how anyone can take them changing the type of food to mean that they are cancelling the dinner get together.

EdgeOfACoin · 04/10/2022 06:19

StoppinBy · 04/10/2022 05:59

I would have assumed they were now cooking for everyone instead of all buying takeaway.

Unless they specifically said they were just going to do their own dinner I can't see how anyone can take them changing the type of food to mean that they are cancelling the dinner get together.

I agree.

And if you invite someone to 'stay for dinner', I would expect the host to pay for the takeaway.

onlythreenow · 04/10/2022 06:23

If they were un-inviting you for dinner (which is rude anyway) then they should have made it clear. That message did not make it clear. YANBU - what a stingy lot.

Beees · 04/10/2022 06:28

StoppinBy · 04/10/2022 05:59

I would have assumed they were now cooking for everyone instead of all buying takeaway.

Unless they specifically said they were just going to do their own dinner I can't see how anyone can take them changing the type of food to mean that they are cancelling the dinner get together.

Agreed.

If you're cancelling entirely then you need to make it crystal clear otherwise its just a change of menu which isn't exactly unusual. You can't just decide not to proceed with the meal full stop without making it abundantly clear to your guests which they didn't do.

I would have still expected food and been pretty annoyed they had been so inconsiderate.

oopsfellover · 04/10/2022 06:32

I think this was weird of them and would be tempted to say something.

Darbs76 · 04/10/2022 06:34

That’s very rude. Did they even address the fact they’d eaten already? Sounds like when they said they were getting something from the supermarket they meant they were cancelling your dinner invite. Really rude regardless

KatherineJaneway · 04/10/2022 06:38

Maybe this family member's partner wasn't happy at you being invited for dinner. Maybe due to cost, 'permission' etc.

Bestcatmum · 04/10/2022 06:43

Very weird behaviour.

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